HONOUR, GIRI, OBLIGATION
Disclaimer: Again, I own nothing. *Humph*
Jubilation Lee sat huddled on the roof outside her bedroom determined to ignore the tears that had been threatening all day. She was amazed that she had lasted even this long, after all, the man she had seen as a partner and best friend had just dumped her on the most important day of her life and then returned exactly an hour after he day had passed as if to rub in the insult.
*Damn him*
Why did she let him have so much power over her? When had he gained so much power over her? Wasn't she the strong one? He'd taught her to be strong. Wasn't she the survivor? She'd survived. All her life, she'd survived so why couldn't she just rest?
To go one day without feeling the exhaustion that threatened to overwhelm her at any moment. Was that too much to ask?
Why did she let him know he had power over her? When had she become such an open book? Once, such an obvious affection could have been death, or something equally as bad. But now she knew what she was to him once again. She'd tried to forget and she had been so close. So close to accepting love, to opening up to someone, opening up without fearing that their newfound knowledge of her would be used to hurt her.
Her first lesson. Never forget.
She almost had and he had brought her back to reality with a bump. Those dreams of acceptance and love had been destroyed now. Evaporated like morning dew on the first rays of morning sun.
How could she have been so *stupid*?
Honour. Giri. Obligation.
That's what she was to him. She'd saved his life and he had felt honour bound towards her. Nothing more, nothing less. It hadn't meant he'd cared.
She had wanted him to care though. Wanted to mean something to him. If she had saved his life then he had become the meaning in hers. In need of something to cling to she had anchored herself to him. Allowed him to become her lighthouse, her guide through the rough times and beacon that there was something better than this waiting just around the horizon. Her love and blind devotion to him had kept her on the same course though, no matter how many times he took that light and left her to navigate the rocks on her own.
Well no more. *Your debt is repaid Logan-san I release you from your obligation*.
If her release was supposed to make her feel better, then why did she still feel like throwing herself off the roof?
Because she loved him. It was humiliating and degrading, her affections let the whole world see right through her shields, right to the heart of who she was- a lonely child seeking the approval of a parent who couldn't bring themselves to care.
Lifting her head she focused on the mid-summer stars in a weak attempt to take her mind away from the eyes of the man who had once been the sun and moon and stars to her. Even now, she couldn't help the turn her thoughts took when she meditated on just what he meant to her. She loved him. Pure and simple.
Sure, he never chose her if it was a toss up between her and Kitty, and he hardly ever visited anyway, and if she was at the X-Mansion during the holidays then all bets were on him taking off to Canada or 'Poor, and he called her 'kid' all the time and had only saved her from the streets and taught her about life and the world and given her a home and a family to replace the ones she had already lost. Only called her his lifeline and promised her she'd never be alone again. That's all. Nothing major, like donating a kidney or something.
The thoughts of him overwhelmed her defences and finally she allowed the tears she had been hiding to flood forth, making no attempt to hold them back.
It felt like years since she'd finally stopped mourning for her lost friendship and weakly she lifted her head and gazed around. Her tears had finally exhausted themselves and the sky was now taking on the unmistakable hue of early morning.
Soon, now she knew that the first birdsong would fill the air.
It was with shock then, that she realised what she had missed the night before-
The sound of Wolverines jeep pulling away over the gravel drive. While her senses were definitely nowhere as sensitive as Logan's' or even the Cajuns- honed as they were from years of guild training- they were definitely more aware than an average persons. Years of living rough and in care homes - where what you heard or didn't hear could mean death, or something equally as bad depending on where you were, meant that the sound of the vehicle leaving would not have gone unchecked by her brain, no matter her state of mind.
The knowledge that *he* had sat outside the school all night chilled her. Why was he still there? Was he waiting for her? Could he see her from his jeep- was he watching her? With a shock she realised that he would have definitely have heard her emotional dams break, and angry at both Wolverine and herself she opened her window and slipped back inside to her bed. She knew that Emma would know what had transpired that night and would not wake her.
As sleep, long denied finally overcame her a lyric of one of the songs that Jono enjoyed listening to flitted through her mind:
'Let me strip the pain, let me not give in.
Free me of your life, inside my heart dies.
Your dreams never achieved, don't lay that shit on me.
Let me live my life.
Hey! I'm seeing my worth
I'm fucked at dealing with your life.
Dead bodies everywhere.
You! Really want me to be a good son.
Why you make me feel like no one?
The crunching of a car on the gravel disturbed the uneasy sleep that she had finally achieved and turning on her side she slipped into a sticky slumber borne of grief.
(Note: The lyrics are by Korn. 'Dead Bodies Everywhere')
Disclaimer: Again, I own nothing. *Humph*
Jubilation Lee sat huddled on the roof outside her bedroom determined to ignore the tears that had been threatening all day. She was amazed that she had lasted even this long, after all, the man she had seen as a partner and best friend had just dumped her on the most important day of her life and then returned exactly an hour after he day had passed as if to rub in the insult.
*Damn him*
Why did she let him have so much power over her? When had he gained so much power over her? Wasn't she the strong one? He'd taught her to be strong. Wasn't she the survivor? She'd survived. All her life, she'd survived so why couldn't she just rest?
To go one day without feeling the exhaustion that threatened to overwhelm her at any moment. Was that too much to ask?
Why did she let him know he had power over her? When had she become such an open book? Once, such an obvious affection could have been death, or something equally as bad. But now she knew what she was to him once again. She'd tried to forget and she had been so close. So close to accepting love, to opening up to someone, opening up without fearing that their newfound knowledge of her would be used to hurt her.
Her first lesson. Never forget.
She almost had and he had brought her back to reality with a bump. Those dreams of acceptance and love had been destroyed now. Evaporated like morning dew on the first rays of morning sun.
How could she have been so *stupid*?
Honour. Giri. Obligation.
That's what she was to him. She'd saved his life and he had felt honour bound towards her. Nothing more, nothing less. It hadn't meant he'd cared.
She had wanted him to care though. Wanted to mean something to him. If she had saved his life then he had become the meaning in hers. In need of something to cling to she had anchored herself to him. Allowed him to become her lighthouse, her guide through the rough times and beacon that there was something better than this waiting just around the horizon. Her love and blind devotion to him had kept her on the same course though, no matter how many times he took that light and left her to navigate the rocks on her own.
Well no more. *Your debt is repaid Logan-san I release you from your obligation*.
If her release was supposed to make her feel better, then why did she still feel like throwing herself off the roof?
Because she loved him. It was humiliating and degrading, her affections let the whole world see right through her shields, right to the heart of who she was- a lonely child seeking the approval of a parent who couldn't bring themselves to care.
Lifting her head she focused on the mid-summer stars in a weak attempt to take her mind away from the eyes of the man who had once been the sun and moon and stars to her. Even now, she couldn't help the turn her thoughts took when she meditated on just what he meant to her. She loved him. Pure and simple.
Sure, he never chose her if it was a toss up between her and Kitty, and he hardly ever visited anyway, and if she was at the X-Mansion during the holidays then all bets were on him taking off to Canada or 'Poor, and he called her 'kid' all the time and had only saved her from the streets and taught her about life and the world and given her a home and a family to replace the ones she had already lost. Only called her his lifeline and promised her she'd never be alone again. That's all. Nothing major, like donating a kidney or something.
The thoughts of him overwhelmed her defences and finally she allowed the tears she had been hiding to flood forth, making no attempt to hold them back.
It felt like years since she'd finally stopped mourning for her lost friendship and weakly she lifted her head and gazed around. Her tears had finally exhausted themselves and the sky was now taking on the unmistakable hue of early morning.
Soon, now she knew that the first birdsong would fill the air.
It was with shock then, that she realised what she had missed the night before-
The sound of Wolverines jeep pulling away over the gravel drive. While her senses were definitely nowhere as sensitive as Logan's' or even the Cajuns- honed as they were from years of guild training- they were definitely more aware than an average persons. Years of living rough and in care homes - where what you heard or didn't hear could mean death, or something equally as bad depending on where you were, meant that the sound of the vehicle leaving would not have gone unchecked by her brain, no matter her state of mind.
The knowledge that *he* had sat outside the school all night chilled her. Why was he still there? Was he waiting for her? Could he see her from his jeep- was he watching her? With a shock she realised that he would have definitely have heard her emotional dams break, and angry at both Wolverine and herself she opened her window and slipped back inside to her bed. She knew that Emma would know what had transpired that night and would not wake her.
As sleep, long denied finally overcame her a lyric of one of the songs that Jono enjoyed listening to flitted through her mind:
'Let me strip the pain, let me not give in.
Free me of your life, inside my heart dies.
Your dreams never achieved, don't lay that shit on me.
Let me live my life.
Hey! I'm seeing my worth
I'm fucked at dealing with your life.
Dead bodies everywhere.
You! Really want me to be a good son.
Why you make me feel like no one?
The crunching of a car on the gravel disturbed the uneasy sleep that she had finally achieved and turning on her side she slipped into a sticky slumber borne of grief.
(Note: The lyrics are by Korn. 'Dead Bodies Everywhere')