…SURVIVOR…
5
^
Denotes thoughts ^
~*~*~*~
Her
sobs filled the empty room.
Outside
the sun was brightly shining, yet she was inside a cold and dusty room.
^
How could I have let it get this far? How could I not be here for Giles when he
needed me? ^
Opening
the heavy curtains she revealed the hot summer sun.
It
pelted down in rays of glistening heat and it drew her towards it.
As
she left the confines of the mansion she made her way over to the top of the
hill.
This
was the highest point that she could find.
It
made her closer to the sun.
Closer
to heaven.
Closer
her late Watcher…
^
What does *late* mean? Its not like Giles' is LATE to a dinner party or that he
is LATE to take a tablet.
Maybe
he is LATE to go to heaven … but shouldn't it be early because he should have
lived to be the ripe old age of 80 or something?
Late
… what a weird word to associate with dead people…
Giles
is dead. ^
She
was taken out of her thoughts by a butterfly landing on her nose…
Crossing
her eyes she stared at this tiny creature…
Its
wings were pigmented with a rainbow of colours … all blended to make this
little creature look vibrant and new.
The
small animal fluttered its wings and then took off for another journey.
She
looked past where the butterfly had been sitting on her nose and she saw the
streets of Sunnydale.
Her
mind automatically went to another day when she was standing atop of this hill…
It
was predicted to be a warm sunny day and the sun was about to rise.
She
was up here arguing with him.
He
didn't want to be in her world anymore. He didn't feel that he belonged.
But
he did.
She
needed him and he tried to leave her.
She
stopped him this time with the miracle of snow…
But
that was the only time she had been able to prevent him from leaving her.
He
had tried again later in her life and he succeeded … he left her.
So
she left him … and all of them.
~
It
had been a couple of hours since the funeral and she had spent the remainder of
her time sitting out on the peak of the hill.
The
sun had shone brightly throughout the day and it was beginning to make its
descent.
The
multitude of colours lit up the cloudless sky, forming a breathtaking sunset.
That
was when it happened.
She
fought so hard to resist it … but her efforts were in vain.
It
used to bring her comfort … but now she dreaded it … dreaded what it meant.
Her
body tingled.
Like
the butterfly from earlier in the day had entered her body and fluttered around
in her stomach.
^
Ohhh … God … not now … I'm not ready … please… ^
She
closed her eyes as tight as she could … hoping that they would shut out the
world.
Shut
out him.
But
it didn't…
"Angel
… don't … not now … I can't" Before now she had refused to say his name. Only
in her dreams did the word Angel escape her lips.
But
in an instant that was forgotten and she said his name with as much ease as she
had two years earlier
~
He
was a good three metres behind her but he knew she had felt him.
Because
he had felt her.
His
body had led him to the mansion.
Every
part of his being told him that she had been in his room … but he knew that she
was not there now … but that she was near.
Letting
his senses take over he walked straight to the hilltop on the outskirts of the
mansion.
She
was sitting there with her knees hugged to her chest.
He
was about to speak when she said…
"Angel
… don't … not now … I can't"
She
sounded like his name rolled off of her tongue … but he knew that it pained her
to speak it.
"Neither
can I … but we have to" he said with ease that belied his nerves.
"I
can't … I can't face them and I certainly can't face you"
He
moved closer towards her coward form.
"Buffy…"
But
she cut him off…
"I'm
not Buffy … not anymore"
"What
do you mean you're not Buffy … you'll always be my Buffy … I mean you'll always
be Buffy"
"I'm
not your's or anyone else's Buffy … not anymore"
"Buffy
your not making sense"
"Sense
… you think I can even formulate a thought right now … I just found out that
Giles was sick and I come back after two years and end up spending his last minutes
with him and watch him die in front of me and then I have to face all the looks
of disappointment and confusion from everyone else … not to mention that I then
had to stand there as Giles' body was lowered into the earth only to be eaten
by bugs and God knows what … Tell me then Angel … am I making sense enough for
you?"
Tears
had formed and fallen from her eyes throughout her outburst.
Angel
only stared at her with disbelief and sorrow
"Buffy…"
She
got up off of her place on the ground…
"I
told you … I'm not Buffy!" she yelled
"Then
who are you?" he said as anger rose slightly in his voice
"I'm
… I'm Kimberly Jarvis … citizen of Melbourne Australia … please to make your
acquaintance" she spat out as she ran for the mansion
Angel
stood there perplexed by her words and her mood swings … but he knew he
couldn't let her leave … not again.
He
ran after her and reached the mansion mere seconds after she had entered.
"No
you don't … you're not leaving again" he said as he grabbed her arm and turned
her to face him
"What?
Me leave … as I seem to recall you left me! Or do you suddenly have selective
memory?"
"Fine
… I left you … but I came back the following week because I realised that I was
wrong. That I couldn't live without you and that I couldn't let you live your
life without love. I didn't want to know that I was sitting in LA while you
were risking your life … because if anything ever happened to you and I knew
that I wasn't there to help because *I* decided to leave … then I would never be
able to forgive myself!"
She
had not expected this reaction from him.
She
had thought that he didn't love her enough to make it work. That he left her
because he thought their love wasn't strong enough to survive trivial setbacks.
She
stared into his soulful eyes and knew that he was telling the truth.
He
was staring right back into her hazel pools … her gaze softened as she realised
what he had said.
His
grip on her arm loosened and she moved away from him. Walking almost aimlessly
around the mansion.
He
followed suit and they silently came to rest in his bedroom … it was the only
place with furniture left in it.
She
went and sat down on the bed and he stayed leaning on the frame of the door…
"Everything
is so screwed up at the moment" she said with much honesty
"I
know"
"You
left … I left … Giles is gone…" the last part lingering on her lips
"Buffy
… ahhh Kimber…"
She
cut him off
"Buffy
… can you call me Buffy?"
"You
have never been anything else to me"
"But
I am not the same Buffy that you knew…"
"And
I'm not the same Angel that you knew from 2 years ago"
"That's
an understatement … Mr-I-have-a-tan" her sentence was a light tone but much
hurt was behind her words
"Yeah
… well…"
"When?
How?"
"Ummm
… a little over a year now. I was granted my humanity after the 'End of Days'
fight. The Hellmouth is permanently closed and the PTB … umm Powers That Be …
said that I have earned my redemption."
"Wow
… that's ummm … wow. Congratulations"
"Thank-you"
"That
must be why I saw all those families out walking the SunnyHell streets after
sunset and why there were those people in the cemeteries at night"
"Yeah
… no more demons means the nightlife is less deadlier"
"Hmmm
… you said it was about a year ago that the Hellmouth closed?"
"Uh
huh"
"That
must explain it"
"Explain
what?" Angel said with confusion on his face
"Well
… last year I gradually started to loose my Slayer strength and agility and
other perks that came along with being the Chosen One"
"I
thought that something like that might have happened"
"Why
… ummm … did…?" she faltered on her words
"What?
You can ask me Buffy" he said as he came and sat on the opposite side of the
bed
"Did
you look for me?" she said averted his enquiring gaze
"Yes"
such a simple answer yet it was exactly what she wanted to hear.
"For
how long?"
"Right
up until five days ago. I searched for you from the minute I returned to
Sunnydale 2 years ago … until I finally found you last week"
"Then
… then why did the Council contact me and not you?"
He
took a slow intake of breath
"Because
I thought you wouldn't talk to me … and we all knew that Giles didn't have long
to live and so we thought that if the Council rang then you would believe what
they had to say"
"I
always believed you Angel…"
"But
would you have stayed on the phone long enough to listen?"
"Truthfully
… no … but only because I would have been scared"
"I'm
sorry" he suddenly said
"For
what? Me being scared?"
"Yes
… because I made you scared of me. Because I left you … I had this HUGE
momentary lapse of sanity and I let the most precious and most important person
slip through my fingers. I tried so hard to find you … but…"
"I
didn't want to be found."
"Exactly
… I had so many false sightings and dead-end leads … but I never gave up … I
would have never given up"
"Then
why did you give up on us?" she blurted out through fresh salty tears
By
now Angel's eyes had already began to well…
"I
thought that you deserved better than what I had to offer. I couldn't give you
everything that you were worthy of receiving. I couldn't offer you the world
Buffy … and that is what I thought and what I still think that you deserve to
have!"
"But
I don't want the world if it means that you are not in my arms. The world is
nothing if I don't have you … so don't I deserve to be happy?"
"That
is what I thought a 'normal' guy could offer you … happiness"
"But
don't I deserve to be loved … to be able to love someone back with all of my
heart?"
"That's
why I came back … apart from the fact that it pained me beyond words that you
would ever have the love of another guy or even more so that you would love
another guy … I realised that you did love me with all of your being … just
like I loved you…"
"Loved?"
she said with a slight amount of hurt emitted in her voice
"Love
… I'm still hopelessly and utterly in love with you Buffy … always"
"But
you left me! You left me and I died … my heart broke into a million pieces and
it has never recovered … I don't think it will ever recover" she said the last
line in an almost whispered voice
"That
is why I am so sorry … and I know that no amount of apologetic words can erase
what happened but I don't expect that to occur. I just want to tell you that I
love you with all of my soul and that I regret every second of the past two
years because you have not been in my arms and that you have been scared and
alone. But most of all I am sorry because for two years now you have thought
that I didn't love you enough to make it work. That you have thought that our
love wasn't eternal or as strong as what it really was."
Her
bottom lip was quivering by now and she slowly looked at him through
tear-clouded eyes…
"Is"
she stated
"Huh"
he asked confused
"What
our love IS … not what it WAS"
"You
mean…" he dared to believe what he thought he had heard
"Yes
Angel … I still love you … I never stopped"
"Me
either … I always have loved you"
"Do
you know how relieving that is to hear!"
"I
think I have a fair idea" he said as he smiled while moving along the bed to be
closer to her.
"Ohhh
God … Angel … I have missed you so much"
"I've
missed you too Buffy"
Their
arms were flung around one another in a tight and long awaited embrace.
Both
of them emitted a sigh of relief as they sat there relishing the moment …
finally being able to touch their soul mate after two LONG years apart.
Reluctantly
pulling back slowly … Angel cupped Buffy's chin in his strong hands.
"I
know we have a lot to work through and a lot to talk about … but…"
"But?"
Buffy said with trepidation in her voice
"Can
I do something that I have longed to do for two years?"
"What?"
"This…"
he said before his lips met hers in a gentle but passionate kiss.
Feelings
and unspoken apologies were released into this kiss as well as two years of
painful solitude.
Although
they both know that they have a long way to go to making their relationship
work…
One
thing was for certain … there definitely was a relationship to be had.
~*~
TBC…
~Chikki~
B/A
lover/shipper/believer for eternity!