Hello everyone. As you can see I'm writing this on Friday the 13th and I'm here with my girlfriend. Say hi to the crowd.
*looks away disinterested*
Ok, that went great. Well I thought it would be a great day to come up to this abandoned cabin and go desecrate some corpses, thereby showing people how to get themselves into their very own "horror movie-ish situation" Seeing how it is Friday the 13th and all and how there are enough Jason movies to line a litter box on television, I'm doing this favor for all my readers out there. How's that sound hon?
*stares blankly*
Terrific and away we go.
*gets into old shoddy pick up truck*
Now as you can see this has the makings of a great horror flick. I trust that nothing will happen when we desecrate all of the corpses and use them as if they were puppets.
*steps out of truck*
Well here we are. Hell Cemetery. *lightning flashes in the background* Thats a great sign that the horror process is already in its first stages.
*walks over to the first grave he can find* This one looks good. Let's see..... Here lies The Crazy Maniac Psycho who Kills People cause he has nothing better to do. Perfect.
*takes out shovel and begins to dig.*
Now the first thing we have to do to get the process to reach its fullest potential is act like nothing at all is going to go wrong, even though no one in their right mind would do what I'm doing now.
*Finally hits the coffin*
Now we take our last chance of fleeing this evil place and throw it out the window by cutting the gas tanks of my truck. I mean after all, NOTHING COULD GO WRONG *winks. Gives girlfriend knife and she cuts the gas tanks to the truck*
*opens up lid and sees horribly mangled and deformed killer*
Now, we simply do something to irritate the corpse, still keeping in mind that absolutely nothing will go wrong. Honey would you hand me that party dress?
*hands him party dress, dresses up corpse and starts to dance with it.*
Hmmmmm, this doesn't seem to be working. Maybe some more irritation is required.
*throws corpse back in grave, unzips pants.*
Now if this doesn't do it, I don't know what will.
*begins to do his 'business' on the killer's corpse.*
Now remember, just as your doing the one thing you don't want to do with a dead killer corpse, making a quip is also required. Hey honey, I guess this guy's a little..... STIFF? HAHAHAHAHA!
*corpse still doesn't move even after author finishes 'business'*
Dang it. Oh I know what's missing.
*puts down a hockey mask and weapon of choice right next to where the killer may have easy access to them.*
There. Now one last reassurance that the killer is dead. Gee honey, I guess we'd better be going and all *winks*. Annnnddddd......
*killer pops out of grave*
Voila. Instant horror flick procedure.
*killer starts getting out of hole.*
Killer: Rrrrrrrr.
Oh do be quite.
*Places gun up to killer's head and fires off a whole clip.*
There. Now as you can see, Jhonen Vasquez owns Invader Zim and all other properties, except for stinky here, he's all mine.
*kicks dead killer corpse*
Next week, we'll show you how to make sure the killer is dead before walking away, allowing the killer ample time to kill you at a later juncture. Good night.
Enjoy the Chapter.
*laughs to himself* What the hell was I thinking?
Chapter 9: Cram for the Exam
"Hmmmm. Dib's been gone for an awful long time." Gaz said at the dinner table, her father eating right next to her. "You think you killed him Dad?"
"No, I don't think so. I mean, if I had, I would have been in a drunken stupor by now, crying to myself, and wearing high heels."
"Is that what you did with mom?"
"Now honey, you're mother died of natural causes." Gaz's dad winks.
"Of course she did." Gaz winks back. "But it is weird that 'Paranormo the Idiot Boy' isn't here with his usual rants."
"Well this has been a great twenty three seconds of conversation between us Gaz, but if you'll excuse me, I have to go and continue to be a horrible and negligent father."
"Ok, see ya!"
Meanwhile, at Earth Skool......
"We're missing someone." Ms. Bitters said disintersted.
"I think Zim and Dib have dissappeared!" said a young child sitting in the front row with black hair falling over his face.
"Haven't I made it evident in my class, Todd, that no one cares what you think? YOU'RE GOING TO DIE A HORRIBLE DEATH SOMEDAY SO PLEASE DO US ALL A FAVOR AND BE QUIET UNTIL YOU DO!"
"SQUUEEEE!"
"Exactly."
Meanwhile, back on Irk.....
"Ooooohhhhhh, my head." Dib said as he shook his head from side to side trying to be rid of the after taste of the Irken whiskey.
"fakjfdiosjdfi." Zim muttered to himself.
"You said a mouthful Zimm..... SWEET MERCIFUL PANCAKES!" Dib screamed as he looked down to see his hand clutching Zim's.....heiney *of lack of a better word.*
"Whazzit?...... OH MY IRK OH MY IRK OH MY IRK OH MY IRK OH MY IRK OH MY IRK OH MY IRK!" Zim also caught sight of his own hand, like wise on Dib's heiney.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Dib cried out for what seemed like three hours.
"Ok, this isn't as bad as it looks."
"Hey youse two." The barkeep said. "Get a room!"
"I think I'm gonna be sick!" Dib said as he began to feel the vomit rise up in his throat.
"PITIFUL STINKBEAST! IF YOU HAD NOT TRICKED ME INTO DOING THIS DUEL, NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE HAPPENED!"
"ME? THIS WAS YOUR IDEA ZIM! YOU CAN'T PIN IT ON ME!"
Zim and Dib argued for the next several minutes about who had caused this unfortunate turn of events when all of a sudden, Dir rolled right next to their feet.
"Gir did it to both of you when you were asleep. Jeez what did you think happened?" Zim and Dib looked at each other for a split second, cringed, and looked back down at Dir.
"Dir, for the last time, you can't talk. Now let's go or we'll be late for skool." Dib walked out of the bar slowly, rubbed his eyes from the blinding Irken sun and was off.
"Thats right run.....run.....GARF!" Zim vomitted all over his invader suit.
"Cleanup on Aisle 3." The barkeep rang out as Zim wiped himself off and ran through the door.
"Thank God that's over." Dib said as he was now freshly showered and bandaged from the amount of beating he had taken from the fist fight with Zim.
"You should be so lucky, Stink mammal thingie." Zim said as he ran alongside Dib.
"And why's that Irko?"
"Because I'm betting my squeedily spooch that you forgot the big test today!" Zim smiled wickedly.
"HOLY CRAP!..... I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO WRITE YOUR LANGUAGE YET!"
"Hehehehe, everyone will discover the truth once you score lower than everyone else in the class. Prepare for Doom, Prepare for horror, prepare for..... GWARF!" Zim vommited once again, right inside of Dir.
"Oh gross Zim, thats just gross." Dib ran away from the recovering Zim, emptied out Dir and began to think of a plan. "I need to think of a way out of this, but how?"
"........."
"DIR, YOU'RE A GENIUS!" Dib took Dir by the handle and wheeled him into the class. Zim smiled and knodded slowly up and down as Dib sat down.
"Now class, as you all know, today is the day when we all take the exam to determine how good we have been on his/her/its/their/more politically correct references invader project."
"Oh teacher!" Dib cried out anxiously, arm swinging in the air.
"What is it Ima?"
"Zim just told me that his leg is hurting horribly and he needs to see the nurse, may I escort him?"
"What my leg doesn't...." But just as Zim said this, Dib quickly pulled out a banjo from out of Dir and slammed it against Zim's right leg. "AAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
"Hmmmm, I can see that. Yes you may, but be sure to be back in time for the exam, seeing as how your very soul depends on it." The teacher smiled cruelly as Dib took the screaming Zim outside.
"Ok, listen here Zim. You're gonna tell me everything about the Irken language and how you invade planets, or else...."
"Or else what stinkling?" Zim asked confidently. "You'll whack me with another banjo?"
"No..... I'll do THIS!" Dib reached into his front pocket, and with lighting fast speeds, whipped out a number of small photos.
"What are....." Zim's jaw dropped to the ground as he looked at the horrible pictures of him escorting his robot, dressed as a girl of course, to the restaurant. "HOW DID YOU...?"
"How could I not take pictures of that joyous occasion?" Dib asked. "I'm sure the rest of the skool would just love to see an invader who is so pathetic he takes his robot out on dates."
"I...BUT....YOU.....Oh crap." Zim bowed his head in defeat. "I will teach you...."
"Excellent."
The next fifteen minutes went by fairly quickly with Zim teaching Dib about how planets were invaded, how to understand written Irken text, and why the hell Sinbad was given his own tv show *Try to figure out the reference and you win a...... I don't know, I'm in over my head here."
"So you're telling me that the whole planet is run on a structure of who is the tallest and who is the shortest?"
"Yes." Zim said as the two walked back into the class room.
"But that's so dumb."
"It would have kept your filthy stinkbeast Bush out of the whitehouse." *Too good to resist, apologies and kisses.*
"Good point." Dib pushed the door open and returned to his seat, Zim following suit.
"Nice of you two to join the rest of the class in time for the exam." The teacher opened up a book and began to look at the class. "Now as you all know, the exam always comes down to one question. If you all are ready..... LET'S PLAAAAYYYY THEEEE FEUUUDDDD!"
"Oh for the love of God...." Lights began to shine around the room as Dib said this and a huge sign which said 'Irken Feud' seemed to pop out of nowhere.
"Ok, first contestant will beeee..... Invader E!" Invader E slowly walked out of his desk, still alive even after being hit by a flaming knife and thrown into a box full of rat people.
"Ok, bring it on."
"Invader E, your question is....... On the third night of the triple year of Kortex's sixteenth moon, what is the approximate measuring of the quanex that is attached to the head of the blordey fin?"
"Uhhhhhmmmmmm..." E looked nervously around the room, beads of sweat running down his face. "4 quantums?"
"Judges?" A large buzzer went off as E began to cry. "I'm sorry, but you did not put it in the form of a question. Bye bye now."
"NO WAIT!" Just as E said this, a group of clowns who were foaming at the mouth seemed to spring out of the floor boards, grabbed onto the now screaming E, and dragged him into a dark room, never to be seen again.
"Well, that was fun!" The teacher said as everyone in the classroom began to shake. "Next contestant iiissss..... Invader Ima!"
Dib slowly walked out of his chair, gulped, and walked up to the large chair.
"Invader Ima, are you ready?"
"Ready as I'll ever be Biff!" Dib said nervously, Zim smiling in the audience.
"Biff?"
"What?"
"*Sigh* Invader Ima, your question is..... when you reach a planet..." Dib gulped as he awaited the horrible question of....clowney....doom. "what do you do?"
"OH COME ON!" Zim cried in the background. A smile grew on Dib's face as he immediately blurted out the answer.
"What is invade it, Biff."
"That is CORRECT!" The teacher yelled as balloons began to drop from the ceiling and all of the children began to clap for their classmate.
"As your prize, you will not be given a horrible death administered to you by circus clowns who happen to be foaming at the mouth. Have a nice life Ima."
Dib walked out of the classroom, breathing a sigh of relief.
"WHY NOT JUST GIVE HIM THE ANSWER FOR IRK'S SAKE!"
"ZIM! Since you are so anxious, you will be the next contestant."
Zim confidently got out of the chair and strode to the front of the class.
"Throw any question at me, I'm ready."
"Very well Zim, for your life.... What is the official greeting on the planet of Glorbobia 3?"
"........... WHAT DOES THAT EVEN HAVE TO DO WITH MY MISSION?"
"Tick tock tick tock tick tock." The teacher made tiny clock motions with his hands.
"What is......what is....." Zim began to shake nervously. "what iissssss.......I DON'T WANT TO BE EATEN BY CLOWNS!!!" Zim began to burst into tears as the teacher looked at him blankly.
"Judges?......THAT IS CORRECT!"
ZIm passed out after hearing that he would not be eaten.
"Thank you for playing Zim and please play our home game. This is Generic Irken Teacher, signing off. GOOD NIGHT!"
End Chapter 9
THAT WAS SO FUN MY PANTS HAVE BEEN SET AFLAME! What will Dib do with his new found freedom of not being eaten by clowns? Will Zim ever get over his drunken stupor? Will anyone ever acknowledge Dib's existence back on Earth?
Join us next time for......
Chapter 10: Irken Partay's the thing!
BEEP BEEP RICHIE! *another inside thing, just ignore it or step out of the way.* PEACE!
*looks away disinterested*
Ok, that went great. Well I thought it would be a great day to come up to this abandoned cabin and go desecrate some corpses, thereby showing people how to get themselves into their very own "horror movie-ish situation" Seeing how it is Friday the 13th and all and how there are enough Jason movies to line a litter box on television, I'm doing this favor for all my readers out there. How's that sound hon?
*stares blankly*
Terrific and away we go.
*gets into old shoddy pick up truck*
Now as you can see this has the makings of a great horror flick. I trust that nothing will happen when we desecrate all of the corpses and use them as if they were puppets.
*steps out of truck*
Well here we are. Hell Cemetery. *lightning flashes in the background* Thats a great sign that the horror process is already in its first stages.
*walks over to the first grave he can find* This one looks good. Let's see..... Here lies The Crazy Maniac Psycho who Kills People cause he has nothing better to do. Perfect.
*takes out shovel and begins to dig.*
Now the first thing we have to do to get the process to reach its fullest potential is act like nothing at all is going to go wrong, even though no one in their right mind would do what I'm doing now.
*Finally hits the coffin*
Now we take our last chance of fleeing this evil place and throw it out the window by cutting the gas tanks of my truck. I mean after all, NOTHING COULD GO WRONG *winks. Gives girlfriend knife and she cuts the gas tanks to the truck*
*opens up lid and sees horribly mangled and deformed killer*
Now, we simply do something to irritate the corpse, still keeping in mind that absolutely nothing will go wrong. Honey would you hand me that party dress?
*hands him party dress, dresses up corpse and starts to dance with it.*
Hmmmmm, this doesn't seem to be working. Maybe some more irritation is required.
*throws corpse back in grave, unzips pants.*
Now if this doesn't do it, I don't know what will.
*begins to do his 'business' on the killer's corpse.*
Now remember, just as your doing the one thing you don't want to do with a dead killer corpse, making a quip is also required. Hey honey, I guess this guy's a little..... STIFF? HAHAHAHAHA!
*corpse still doesn't move even after author finishes 'business'*
Dang it. Oh I know what's missing.
*puts down a hockey mask and weapon of choice right next to where the killer may have easy access to them.*
There. Now one last reassurance that the killer is dead. Gee honey, I guess we'd better be going and all *winks*. Annnnddddd......
*killer pops out of grave*
Voila. Instant horror flick procedure.
*killer starts getting out of hole.*
Killer: Rrrrrrrr.
Oh do be quite.
*Places gun up to killer's head and fires off a whole clip.*
There. Now as you can see, Jhonen Vasquez owns Invader Zim and all other properties, except for stinky here, he's all mine.
*kicks dead killer corpse*
Next week, we'll show you how to make sure the killer is dead before walking away, allowing the killer ample time to kill you at a later juncture. Good night.
Enjoy the Chapter.
*laughs to himself* What the hell was I thinking?
Chapter 9: Cram for the Exam
"Hmmmm. Dib's been gone for an awful long time." Gaz said at the dinner table, her father eating right next to her. "You think you killed him Dad?"
"No, I don't think so. I mean, if I had, I would have been in a drunken stupor by now, crying to myself, and wearing high heels."
"Is that what you did with mom?"
"Now honey, you're mother died of natural causes." Gaz's dad winks.
"Of course she did." Gaz winks back. "But it is weird that 'Paranormo the Idiot Boy' isn't here with his usual rants."
"Well this has been a great twenty three seconds of conversation between us Gaz, but if you'll excuse me, I have to go and continue to be a horrible and negligent father."
"Ok, see ya!"
Meanwhile, at Earth Skool......
"We're missing someone." Ms. Bitters said disintersted.
"I think Zim and Dib have dissappeared!" said a young child sitting in the front row with black hair falling over his face.
"Haven't I made it evident in my class, Todd, that no one cares what you think? YOU'RE GOING TO DIE A HORRIBLE DEATH SOMEDAY SO PLEASE DO US ALL A FAVOR AND BE QUIET UNTIL YOU DO!"
"SQUUEEEE!"
"Exactly."
Meanwhile, back on Irk.....
"Ooooohhhhhh, my head." Dib said as he shook his head from side to side trying to be rid of the after taste of the Irken whiskey.
"fakjfdiosjdfi." Zim muttered to himself.
"You said a mouthful Zimm..... SWEET MERCIFUL PANCAKES!" Dib screamed as he looked down to see his hand clutching Zim's.....heiney *of lack of a better word.*
"Whazzit?...... OH MY IRK OH MY IRK OH MY IRK OH MY IRK OH MY IRK OH MY IRK OH MY IRK!" Zim also caught sight of his own hand, like wise on Dib's heiney.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Dib cried out for what seemed like three hours.
"Ok, this isn't as bad as it looks."
"Hey youse two." The barkeep said. "Get a room!"
"I think I'm gonna be sick!" Dib said as he began to feel the vomit rise up in his throat.
"PITIFUL STINKBEAST! IF YOU HAD NOT TRICKED ME INTO DOING THIS DUEL, NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE HAPPENED!"
"ME? THIS WAS YOUR IDEA ZIM! YOU CAN'T PIN IT ON ME!"
Zim and Dib argued for the next several minutes about who had caused this unfortunate turn of events when all of a sudden, Dir rolled right next to their feet.
"Gir did it to both of you when you were asleep. Jeez what did you think happened?" Zim and Dib looked at each other for a split second, cringed, and looked back down at Dir.
"Dir, for the last time, you can't talk. Now let's go or we'll be late for skool." Dib walked out of the bar slowly, rubbed his eyes from the blinding Irken sun and was off.
"Thats right run.....run.....GARF!" Zim vomitted all over his invader suit.
"Cleanup on Aisle 3." The barkeep rang out as Zim wiped himself off and ran through the door.
"Thank God that's over." Dib said as he was now freshly showered and bandaged from the amount of beating he had taken from the fist fight with Zim.
"You should be so lucky, Stink mammal thingie." Zim said as he ran alongside Dib.
"And why's that Irko?"
"Because I'm betting my squeedily spooch that you forgot the big test today!" Zim smiled wickedly.
"HOLY CRAP!..... I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO WRITE YOUR LANGUAGE YET!"
"Hehehehe, everyone will discover the truth once you score lower than everyone else in the class. Prepare for Doom, Prepare for horror, prepare for..... GWARF!" Zim vommited once again, right inside of Dir.
"Oh gross Zim, thats just gross." Dib ran away from the recovering Zim, emptied out Dir and began to think of a plan. "I need to think of a way out of this, but how?"
"........."
"DIR, YOU'RE A GENIUS!" Dib took Dir by the handle and wheeled him into the class. Zim smiled and knodded slowly up and down as Dib sat down.
"Now class, as you all know, today is the day when we all take the exam to determine how good we have been on his/her/its/their/more politically correct references invader project."
"Oh teacher!" Dib cried out anxiously, arm swinging in the air.
"What is it Ima?"
"Zim just told me that his leg is hurting horribly and he needs to see the nurse, may I escort him?"
"What my leg doesn't...." But just as Zim said this, Dib quickly pulled out a banjo from out of Dir and slammed it against Zim's right leg. "AAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
"Hmmmm, I can see that. Yes you may, but be sure to be back in time for the exam, seeing as how your very soul depends on it." The teacher smiled cruelly as Dib took the screaming Zim outside.
"Ok, listen here Zim. You're gonna tell me everything about the Irken language and how you invade planets, or else...."
"Or else what stinkling?" Zim asked confidently. "You'll whack me with another banjo?"
"No..... I'll do THIS!" Dib reached into his front pocket, and with lighting fast speeds, whipped out a number of small photos.
"What are....." Zim's jaw dropped to the ground as he looked at the horrible pictures of him escorting his robot, dressed as a girl of course, to the restaurant. "HOW DID YOU...?"
"How could I not take pictures of that joyous occasion?" Dib asked. "I'm sure the rest of the skool would just love to see an invader who is so pathetic he takes his robot out on dates."
"I...BUT....YOU.....Oh crap." Zim bowed his head in defeat. "I will teach you...."
"Excellent."
The next fifteen minutes went by fairly quickly with Zim teaching Dib about how planets were invaded, how to understand written Irken text, and why the hell Sinbad was given his own tv show *Try to figure out the reference and you win a...... I don't know, I'm in over my head here."
"So you're telling me that the whole planet is run on a structure of who is the tallest and who is the shortest?"
"Yes." Zim said as the two walked back into the class room.
"But that's so dumb."
"It would have kept your filthy stinkbeast Bush out of the whitehouse." *Too good to resist, apologies and kisses.*
"Good point." Dib pushed the door open and returned to his seat, Zim following suit.
"Nice of you two to join the rest of the class in time for the exam." The teacher opened up a book and began to look at the class. "Now as you all know, the exam always comes down to one question. If you all are ready..... LET'S PLAAAAYYYY THEEEE FEUUUDDDD!"
"Oh for the love of God...." Lights began to shine around the room as Dib said this and a huge sign which said 'Irken Feud' seemed to pop out of nowhere.
"Ok, first contestant will beeee..... Invader E!" Invader E slowly walked out of his desk, still alive even after being hit by a flaming knife and thrown into a box full of rat people.
"Ok, bring it on."
"Invader E, your question is....... On the third night of the triple year of Kortex's sixteenth moon, what is the approximate measuring of the quanex that is attached to the head of the blordey fin?"
"Uhhhhhmmmmmm..." E looked nervously around the room, beads of sweat running down his face. "4 quantums?"
"Judges?" A large buzzer went off as E began to cry. "I'm sorry, but you did not put it in the form of a question. Bye bye now."
"NO WAIT!" Just as E said this, a group of clowns who were foaming at the mouth seemed to spring out of the floor boards, grabbed onto the now screaming E, and dragged him into a dark room, never to be seen again.
"Well, that was fun!" The teacher said as everyone in the classroom began to shake. "Next contestant iiissss..... Invader Ima!"
Dib slowly walked out of his chair, gulped, and walked up to the large chair.
"Invader Ima, are you ready?"
"Ready as I'll ever be Biff!" Dib said nervously, Zim smiling in the audience.
"Biff?"
"What?"
"*Sigh* Invader Ima, your question is..... when you reach a planet..." Dib gulped as he awaited the horrible question of....clowney....doom. "what do you do?"
"OH COME ON!" Zim cried in the background. A smile grew on Dib's face as he immediately blurted out the answer.
"What is invade it, Biff."
"That is CORRECT!" The teacher yelled as balloons began to drop from the ceiling and all of the children began to clap for their classmate.
"As your prize, you will not be given a horrible death administered to you by circus clowns who happen to be foaming at the mouth. Have a nice life Ima."
Dib walked out of the classroom, breathing a sigh of relief.
"WHY NOT JUST GIVE HIM THE ANSWER FOR IRK'S SAKE!"
"ZIM! Since you are so anxious, you will be the next contestant."
Zim confidently got out of the chair and strode to the front of the class.
"Throw any question at me, I'm ready."
"Very well Zim, for your life.... What is the official greeting on the planet of Glorbobia 3?"
"........... WHAT DOES THAT EVEN HAVE TO DO WITH MY MISSION?"
"Tick tock tick tock tick tock." The teacher made tiny clock motions with his hands.
"What is......what is....." Zim began to shake nervously. "what iissssss.......I DON'T WANT TO BE EATEN BY CLOWNS!!!" Zim began to burst into tears as the teacher looked at him blankly.
"Judges?......THAT IS CORRECT!"
ZIm passed out after hearing that he would not be eaten.
"Thank you for playing Zim and please play our home game. This is Generic Irken Teacher, signing off. GOOD NIGHT!"
End Chapter 9
THAT WAS SO FUN MY PANTS HAVE BEEN SET AFLAME! What will Dib do with his new found freedom of not being eaten by clowns? Will Zim ever get over his drunken stupor? Will anyone ever acknowledge Dib's existence back on Earth?
Join us next time for......
Chapter 10: Irken Partay's the thing!
BEEP BEEP RICHIE! *another inside thing, just ignore it or step out of the way.* PEACE!