Hi there boys and girls. For this introduction seeing as how it's February and all *random person walks up and whispers into author's ear* ITS NOT FEBRUARY??.....*sigh* All right, well anyway seeing as how its whatever month we're in at the present time, I thought I'd do something a little different.
Devi: Uhmmmm.....
I thought I'd go on a date with Jhonen Vasquez's Devi, pretty neat eh?
Devi: Who are you talking to?
The audience... *points over to two people sitting at a table, trying to avoid the obviously deranged person's line of sight.*
Devi:....riiigghhttt.
So here we are at Luigi's restaurant and we just saw the movie....what was it called again?
Devi: *sigh* Debbie does Dallas.
Oh yeah! That's the one I picked. Now I have to say a lot of those "money" shots were especially great. I mean they actually made me believe that a donkey could actually do that....flipped upside down even.
Devi: Could we please talk about something else?
Oh sure. Anything in mind?
Devi: Well, I guess we could talk about art or something. I am a pretty talented painter at the moment even though I'm being tortured by a small doll from a painting I made....
Ooooo sounds kinky.
Devi: Ummmmmm yeah.... *rolls eyes*
GARCKON! GARCKON! *snaps fingers together and hails over waiter.*
Waiter: Garcon you mean....Yes?
A sloppy joe for me and a BLT for my lady friend.
Devi: That's not what I wa...
Waiter: Sir, this is an italian restaurant.
So?
Waiter: Soooo we only serve Italian food here, hence the name "Luigi's"
I thought you were just naming it after one of the Mario Bros.
Devi: *slaps her hand over her face*
Waiter: No sir. Would you like to order something else mayhap?
Fine, a pizza or something... *to Devi* Is that even Italian?
Devi: YES! *deep sigh* I'll just have some garlic bread. *hands waiter the menu*
Waiter: Very good Ms. and....thing sitting across from her. *walks away*
Well looks like we have some time before our orders get here so it gives me just enough time to tell you the "How I lost my molars" story.
Devi: Oh my God....
*Twenty Minutes later*
So then I told the police, "HEY! JUST BECAUSE THE MONKEY INTESTINES WERE FOUND IN MY PANTS, DOESN'T MEAN I WAS THE ONE WHO SACRIFICED THEM TO THE DEVIL!"
Devi: *shakes after hearing horrible story*
Boy, HAHAHAHA was my face red.....you know from the monkey blood and all.
Devi: *starts looking over the table to try and find an instrument to kill the author*
Waiter: Here you are... Some garlic bread for Miss and a pizza for the.... insane asylum escapee.
Thank you! So, you must have had other dates before me, what were they like?
Devi: *shudders at the thought* Sadly, you're the best one so far.
ALL RIGHT!
Devi: *starts looking over the table to try and find an instrument to kill herself*
You know, I think that in this light, you look very beutifal and you're eyes seem to scream to me in such a way that...HEY WHATS THAT OVER THERE?
Devi: *looks the other way as the author puts the pizza on his shoulder and stuffs all the garlic bread in his pants, now darting for the window*
AND AWAY I GO! I HAVEN'T EATEN IN WEEKS! *jumps out the window*
Devi: ........ That suprisingly ended better than I expected.
Waiter: Jhonen Vasquez is the proprietor of this establishment and thereby owns all food and souls within, thank you and please tip me.
Enjoy.
Chapter 12: Hi, My name is Dib and I am Screwed!
"H..O...L...Y...C...RAAAAPPPP!!!" Dib cried as he was being surrounded by every single Irken in the building.
"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?" Yelled out Red as he pointed at Dib, now maskless.
"I TOLD YOU ALL, BUT YOU WOULDN'T LISTEN TO ME! I WAS RIGHT! HEHEHAHAHAH!" Zim laughed triumphiantly as Dib began to move to the back of the stage.
"Ok, this may look bad to all of you. I know this 'visage' may be something of a shock. Come on though, what are you going to believe? Zim? Your own eyes? Reality? Or will you believe.... THE SHIRT?" Dib pushed the labeled part of his shirt forward as the letters instantly began to melt from the hot lights bearing down on him. "HOLY MONKEYS!"
"GET HIM!" The purple yelled as most everyone pulled out some kind of weapon. Multiple lasers and various projectiles flew at Dib as he began to duck and dodge as best he could. As a number of large Irken security guards ran at him, Dib ran full force straight at them.
"What the hell?" One of the guards said as Dib kept running. In full force, Dib fell on his arm and began to roll at full momentum. His tiny body smashed against the legs of the guards and caused them to topple to the ground.
"Wow..." Dib said as he shook his head from side to side. "Not going to try that again."
"Let's hire guards you said! They'll work out just fine and they're cheaper then robots you said!" Red said as he scolded Purple.
"OH SCREW YOU!" Purple yelled back. "KILL...WHATEVER THAT THING IS!"
As Dib heard this, he lunged for a closed window and mistakingly smashed through it, causing all the glass to break around him. "CRRAAAPPPP!"
"DAMMIT!" Red cried. "He got away."
"Where did Invader Ima go?" Purple asked as he looked around.
"OH FOR IRK'S SAKE!" Zim cried as he managed to pull himself on stage. "THAT WAS IMA!"
".........."
"HE WAS NEVER AN IRKEN INVADER!"
".........."
"HE WAS A HUMAN BEING DAMMIT!"
"We don't follow you." Purple said as he raised his shoulders up, confused.
"A CREATURE LIKE BLORTEC!!!"
"HAHAHA!" Everyone in the arena began to laugh hysterically. "Zim, please. Everyone knows that Blortec and his kind died thousands of years ago!"
"THEY'RE ON EARTH DAMMIT!"
".......What is Earth?"
"RRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Zim screamed at the top of his lungs, shaking his fists in the air.
"Cute kid." Purple said to Red in reference to Zim.
"No he isn't."
"CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP!" Dib cried as he began to run back to his house. "What am I going to do with a whole planet coming after me? At least in planet of the apes the monkeys couldn't throw you in a happy box and Charleton Heston was president of the NRA, so he could handle himself!"
*Somewhere in the universe, someone sighs....How many sighs has been in this chapter like 13?*
"Ima..." Someone whispered from an alleyway as Dib stopped in his tracks. The mysterious figure beckoned Dib forth as the young earthling walked slowly and suspiciously toward him.
"Who's there?"
"It's me Dib." The Irken classmate of Dib's stepped out from the shadows. "Random."
"Invader Random? What are you doing here?"
"I'm here to help you. Look..." Random reached behind his head to take off the flimsy wooden mask that didn't have facial movements to reveal his true face, that of one of the slaughtering rat people.
"HOLY CRAP!"
"Shhhh...you want to be heard? Now listen, there are hundreds of surviving alien species that are on Irk right now disguised as Invaders. All of these species, mine included, have been subjogated to the horrible Irken will. Your planet however was lucky in getting the stupidest Invader Irk had to offer. As for the species here, we've been lying in wait for someone to get as close to them as you did, and with your help we can take down the Irken Empire and free our people!"
Dib looked astonished then confused as he looked down at Random's horrible costume which merely looked like a bunch of random sticks and rocks glued together under a red carpet with a wooden mask painted green. "Now how the hell did I not see that?"
"Probably because of this." Random pointed to the back of his costume which had 'IRKEN=ME!' in big letters.
".....Ok. But why else would you help me Random? Surely this may jeopardize your mission."
"Well yes, but I also did this to prove everyone that my name is not who I am. I'm not just some random character placed in existence to be filler material and eventually die at the hands of some horrendous robot type creature. No, I HAVE A SOUL AND I'm GOING TO..." Just then Random got a hole the size of a bowling ball blown through his chest. "OH....shit balls."
"CRAP!" Dib cried as he looked up at the number of Irken robots pointing lasers at him. Looking down at the now dead rat person of Blortch, Dib picked the dead carcas up and flung it at the robots. "EAT RANDOM!"
Two of the robots were nailed with the dead rat carcass as Random cursed Dib in the afterlife.
"DESTROY ORGANISM!" The robots signaled as they fired multiple laser shots at Dib. Dib was able to dodge many of the lasers but quickly realized he would get hit eventually. Running as fast as he could, he ducked under what seemed to be a vent and waited as the robots looked around. After several minutes the robots left.
"*Phew*....What am I in?" Dib looked down to see himself covered in a green liquid and cringed as he realized he was waist deep in....Irken dookie. "Perfect."
Pulling himself out of the mess, Dib made the long trek back to his house and opened the door. As he quietly walked into his house, he washed off the gunk with a random hose and began to take off his costume *ladies and gentlemen, please avert your eyes as Dib gets dressed aaaannndddd......he's in his underwear, everyone can look back now.*
"Thats it Dir." Dib said to his trashcan, beaten and bruised from the various Irken experiences. "If I'm going to declare war on Irk, I'm doing it... AS AN EARTHLING!"
*Cue Dramatic Music*
Dib then pulled on his classic black pants, his blue shirt, his leather jacket, his boots, and his glasses. As he slicked his hair back, his glasses reflected off the light coming outside as he stood alone in the dark. *Damn is this a cool scene or what?*
"All right Irk!" Dib cried, back in his classic clothes. *CLASSIC CLASSIC CLASSIC AAAAAAAA!* "Get ready to pay for....that....what was his name?"
End Chapter 12
OOOOOO DOOKIE! What will Dib do against Irk in retaliation for....*stares blankly*? What will Zim do to try and rid Irk of Dib's presence? Will the Disguised species help Dib in time? Who likes short shorts?
Find out these and more in......
Chapter 13: DIB VS IRK....IN MADISON SQUARE GARDEN!
Ok that last part probably isn't right. PEACE!
Devi: Uhmmmm.....
I thought I'd go on a date with Jhonen Vasquez's Devi, pretty neat eh?
Devi: Who are you talking to?
The audience... *points over to two people sitting at a table, trying to avoid the obviously deranged person's line of sight.*
Devi:....riiigghhttt.
So here we are at Luigi's restaurant and we just saw the movie....what was it called again?
Devi: *sigh* Debbie does Dallas.
Oh yeah! That's the one I picked. Now I have to say a lot of those "money" shots were especially great. I mean they actually made me believe that a donkey could actually do that....flipped upside down even.
Devi: Could we please talk about something else?
Oh sure. Anything in mind?
Devi: Well, I guess we could talk about art or something. I am a pretty talented painter at the moment even though I'm being tortured by a small doll from a painting I made....
Ooooo sounds kinky.
Devi: Ummmmmm yeah.... *rolls eyes*
GARCKON! GARCKON! *snaps fingers together and hails over waiter.*
Waiter: Garcon you mean....Yes?
A sloppy joe for me and a BLT for my lady friend.
Devi: That's not what I wa...
Waiter: Sir, this is an italian restaurant.
So?
Waiter: Soooo we only serve Italian food here, hence the name "Luigi's"
I thought you were just naming it after one of the Mario Bros.
Devi: *slaps her hand over her face*
Waiter: No sir. Would you like to order something else mayhap?
Fine, a pizza or something... *to Devi* Is that even Italian?
Devi: YES! *deep sigh* I'll just have some garlic bread. *hands waiter the menu*
Waiter: Very good Ms. and....thing sitting across from her. *walks away*
Well looks like we have some time before our orders get here so it gives me just enough time to tell you the "How I lost my molars" story.
Devi: Oh my God....
*Twenty Minutes later*
So then I told the police, "HEY! JUST BECAUSE THE MONKEY INTESTINES WERE FOUND IN MY PANTS, DOESN'T MEAN I WAS THE ONE WHO SACRIFICED THEM TO THE DEVIL!"
Devi: *shakes after hearing horrible story*
Boy, HAHAHAHA was my face red.....you know from the monkey blood and all.
Devi: *starts looking over the table to try and find an instrument to kill the author*
Waiter: Here you are... Some garlic bread for Miss and a pizza for the.... insane asylum escapee.
Thank you! So, you must have had other dates before me, what were they like?
Devi: *shudders at the thought* Sadly, you're the best one so far.
ALL RIGHT!
Devi: *starts looking over the table to try and find an instrument to kill herself*
You know, I think that in this light, you look very beutifal and you're eyes seem to scream to me in such a way that...HEY WHATS THAT OVER THERE?
Devi: *looks the other way as the author puts the pizza on his shoulder and stuffs all the garlic bread in his pants, now darting for the window*
AND AWAY I GO! I HAVEN'T EATEN IN WEEKS! *jumps out the window*
Devi: ........ That suprisingly ended better than I expected.
Waiter: Jhonen Vasquez is the proprietor of this establishment and thereby owns all food and souls within, thank you and please tip me.
Enjoy.
Chapter 12: Hi, My name is Dib and I am Screwed!
"H..O...L...Y...C...RAAAAPPPP!!!" Dib cried as he was being surrounded by every single Irken in the building.
"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?" Yelled out Red as he pointed at Dib, now maskless.
"I TOLD YOU ALL, BUT YOU WOULDN'T LISTEN TO ME! I WAS RIGHT! HEHEHAHAHAH!" Zim laughed triumphiantly as Dib began to move to the back of the stage.
"Ok, this may look bad to all of you. I know this 'visage' may be something of a shock. Come on though, what are you going to believe? Zim? Your own eyes? Reality? Or will you believe.... THE SHIRT?" Dib pushed the labeled part of his shirt forward as the letters instantly began to melt from the hot lights bearing down on him. "HOLY MONKEYS!"
"GET HIM!" The purple yelled as most everyone pulled out some kind of weapon. Multiple lasers and various projectiles flew at Dib as he began to duck and dodge as best he could. As a number of large Irken security guards ran at him, Dib ran full force straight at them.
"What the hell?" One of the guards said as Dib kept running. In full force, Dib fell on his arm and began to roll at full momentum. His tiny body smashed against the legs of the guards and caused them to topple to the ground.
"Wow..." Dib said as he shook his head from side to side. "Not going to try that again."
"Let's hire guards you said! They'll work out just fine and they're cheaper then robots you said!" Red said as he scolded Purple.
"OH SCREW YOU!" Purple yelled back. "KILL...WHATEVER THAT THING IS!"
As Dib heard this, he lunged for a closed window and mistakingly smashed through it, causing all the glass to break around him. "CRRAAAPPPP!"
"DAMMIT!" Red cried. "He got away."
"Where did Invader Ima go?" Purple asked as he looked around.
"OH FOR IRK'S SAKE!" Zim cried as he managed to pull himself on stage. "THAT WAS IMA!"
".........."
"HE WAS NEVER AN IRKEN INVADER!"
".........."
"HE WAS A HUMAN BEING DAMMIT!"
"We don't follow you." Purple said as he raised his shoulders up, confused.
"A CREATURE LIKE BLORTEC!!!"
"HAHAHA!" Everyone in the arena began to laugh hysterically. "Zim, please. Everyone knows that Blortec and his kind died thousands of years ago!"
"THEY'RE ON EARTH DAMMIT!"
".......What is Earth?"
"RRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Zim screamed at the top of his lungs, shaking his fists in the air.
"Cute kid." Purple said to Red in reference to Zim.
"No he isn't."
"CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP!" Dib cried as he began to run back to his house. "What am I going to do with a whole planet coming after me? At least in planet of the apes the monkeys couldn't throw you in a happy box and Charleton Heston was president of the NRA, so he could handle himself!"
*Somewhere in the universe, someone sighs....How many sighs has been in this chapter like 13?*
"Ima..." Someone whispered from an alleyway as Dib stopped in his tracks. The mysterious figure beckoned Dib forth as the young earthling walked slowly and suspiciously toward him.
"Who's there?"
"It's me Dib." The Irken classmate of Dib's stepped out from the shadows. "Random."
"Invader Random? What are you doing here?"
"I'm here to help you. Look..." Random reached behind his head to take off the flimsy wooden mask that didn't have facial movements to reveal his true face, that of one of the slaughtering rat people.
"HOLY CRAP!"
"Shhhh...you want to be heard? Now listen, there are hundreds of surviving alien species that are on Irk right now disguised as Invaders. All of these species, mine included, have been subjogated to the horrible Irken will. Your planet however was lucky in getting the stupidest Invader Irk had to offer. As for the species here, we've been lying in wait for someone to get as close to them as you did, and with your help we can take down the Irken Empire and free our people!"
Dib looked astonished then confused as he looked down at Random's horrible costume which merely looked like a bunch of random sticks and rocks glued together under a red carpet with a wooden mask painted green. "Now how the hell did I not see that?"
"Probably because of this." Random pointed to the back of his costume which had 'IRKEN=ME!' in big letters.
".....Ok. But why else would you help me Random? Surely this may jeopardize your mission."
"Well yes, but I also did this to prove everyone that my name is not who I am. I'm not just some random character placed in existence to be filler material and eventually die at the hands of some horrendous robot type creature. No, I HAVE A SOUL AND I'm GOING TO..." Just then Random got a hole the size of a bowling ball blown through his chest. "OH....shit balls."
"CRAP!" Dib cried as he looked up at the number of Irken robots pointing lasers at him. Looking down at the now dead rat person of Blortch, Dib picked the dead carcas up and flung it at the robots. "EAT RANDOM!"
Two of the robots were nailed with the dead rat carcass as Random cursed Dib in the afterlife.
"DESTROY ORGANISM!" The robots signaled as they fired multiple laser shots at Dib. Dib was able to dodge many of the lasers but quickly realized he would get hit eventually. Running as fast as he could, he ducked under what seemed to be a vent and waited as the robots looked around. After several minutes the robots left.
"*Phew*....What am I in?" Dib looked down to see himself covered in a green liquid and cringed as he realized he was waist deep in....Irken dookie. "Perfect."
Pulling himself out of the mess, Dib made the long trek back to his house and opened the door. As he quietly walked into his house, he washed off the gunk with a random hose and began to take off his costume *ladies and gentlemen, please avert your eyes as Dib gets dressed aaaannndddd......he's in his underwear, everyone can look back now.*
"Thats it Dir." Dib said to his trashcan, beaten and bruised from the various Irken experiences. "If I'm going to declare war on Irk, I'm doing it... AS AN EARTHLING!"
*Cue Dramatic Music*
Dib then pulled on his classic black pants, his blue shirt, his leather jacket, his boots, and his glasses. As he slicked his hair back, his glasses reflected off the light coming outside as he stood alone in the dark. *Damn is this a cool scene or what?*
"All right Irk!" Dib cried, back in his classic clothes. *CLASSIC CLASSIC CLASSIC AAAAAAAA!* "Get ready to pay for....that....what was his name?"
End Chapter 12
OOOOOO DOOKIE! What will Dib do against Irk in retaliation for....*stares blankly*? What will Zim do to try and rid Irk of Dib's presence? Will the Disguised species help Dib in time? Who likes short shorts?
Find out these and more in......
Chapter 13: DIB VS IRK....IN MADISON SQUARE GARDEN!
Ok that last part probably isn't right. PEACE!