I grew up in a town in the Midwest, and recently I found out that
the dad I had known and loved, was not my real father, this is my story.
Once open a time there was a man, not just an ordinary man, but
a wonderful man whose name was Wayne Johnson. He and my mother
(whose name I will not mention) had a one night, steamy love affair in a
Motel 6 room. Because of this one night, my mother became pregnant. Her
husband named Ken, and my former father, thought the baby was his. When
my mom had the baby, she insisted that Wayne didn't show up but fled to
Alaska, because he was afraid of being a father. So Ken loved me like I
was his own child.
However back to Wayne, He said he was going because he heard a
rumor about oil. My mom knew he was lying but let him leave, so Ken
wouldn't find out. Like I said he was wonderful, but not bright. By
wonderful I mean a strong man, 6' 1" with a smooth voice, and the softest
goatee. In Alaska things were not working out, first he got too cold, then
laboring for oil got to be too much so he turned to theft.
You see Alaska has the same thought as Texas, every thing has to
be bigger and better, but since they live so far away from the U.S.A. they
get a little strange. They thought they would be the talk of the world
when they had the grand opening of a seven eleven and a half. See what I
mean, now they think they're great, but back in the states we've got Quick
Trips connected to Taco Bell's. There are many more scenarios which I am
not going to name.
So back in Alaska they're having these grand openings all over
the place for their great 7 11 1/2. When one opened near Wayne he marched
in gun in hand and demanded three slurpies and lots of salted peanuts and
oh yeah four hundred dollars and eighty-five cents. As I said, Wayne wasn't
that bright. Wayne got his demands but in his escape was shot in none other
then his rear end. The police followed the trail of blood to a porter potty
where it stopped. The next thing they knew he was on a plane to Mexico.
They sent a few Alaskan rangers after him and said bring him back
dead or alive. Wayne ended up being reunited with me on Oprah, this caused
a lot of publicity, given his story and all, and the rangers were hot on his
trail. He was then forced to abandon me again, so he wouldn't have to be
sent to prison, in fear of dropping the soap. Now sometimes his son will see
him in strange places with even stranger disguises, like once he spotted a
Sumo Wrestler complete with thong in IGA. He also sends him letters, they
stay in a little contact this way. I am working on a plan right now but I
inherited my father's brains so it's coming slowly. So If you see a man,
walking down the street, always looking over his shoulder It's probably Wayne.
Don't talk to him, but just give him the special signal and he'll know you're
a friend of mine. Note, the special signal is a wave, we thought long and
hard and we finally came up with a full proof one.