Chapter XXV:
Selphie had really outdone herself this time. The second floor ballroom, only used for
SeeD graduation parties, was beautiful in itself, but when Selphie was leading
the party committee, she had made sure all was nothing but perfect, everything
from lighting to music to the food. The
girl was literally beaming with pride as everyone around her congratulated her
on a job well done, and she seemed even brighter than her sun yellow
dress. Irvine, of course, was by her
side as always, bragging about her efforts. He had really paid a lot of attention to her after the little 'incident'
with Nikki, and no doubt Selphie was both pleased and flattered. Zell was by the same table, with Jadina next
to him – she was fresh in her SeeD uniform, and blushed as Zell went on about
how she had gotten a Rank 5 upon passing her field exam. Edea and Cid were busy congratulating and
talking with the many newly graduated students, and Quistis was nowhere to be
seen at the moment. Neither was Seifer,
for that matter, but Squall hadn't expected that he would be around
either. After all, he had seen his
share of graduation parties, although never gotten a chance to participate in
one.
Returning his attention to the glass in his hand, Squall
took another sip of his champagne, maybe to just have something to do and avoid
eye contact with the single person sitting on the other side of the same table
as him. Ellone watched the young man
carefully with hazel brown eyes, her hands folded on the table in front of her,
as she studied the white fur of his jacket.
"Shouldn't the Commander of Garden be in his uniform for an
occasion like this?"
Squall glanced up at her, uncaringly, then shrugged,
"Probably."
She smiled, shaking her head lightly to herself, "You were
never a boy of many words, Squall."
"Why waste words when there's nothing to say?"
Ellone sighed, her thin eyebrows lowering in a big sisterly
manner that reminded Squall of when they were younger, "I wish you would talk
with Uncle Laguna, though."
"……"
"Squall, he is your father."
Frowning, Squall set his glass down firmly and proceeded to
stare harshly at the floor, "He is not my-"
"Yes, Squall, yes he is," Ellone interrupted, catching him
somewhat off guard with the urgency in her voice. "Uncle Laguna has made his share of mistakes, yes. He left me behind too, you know, but I know
that he loved us both very much and that he did search for us all he
could. Don't you see? He feels really, really bad about it all. Just like you do."
For a moment, Squall met her eyes, then picked up his glass
again but merely held it in his hand, tightly, "He doesn't even know me."
"You didn't give him a chance to get to know you. Or the other way around."
"I don't want to know him!" Squall continued, his
voice rising just slightly. He held
onto the champagne glass so hard it was a wonder it didn't break yet. "I don't
want to know another person who…" But he trailed off as he remembered who he
was talking to, though too late to prevent Ellone from understanding.
She eyed him warily, "…who what?"
"Never mind."
"… who left you? That's what you were going to say, wasn't it?" Even after all these years, she didn't miss the expression on
Squall's face. He was a terrible liar,
yet just like he had when he was a little child, he refused to admit it when
she was right.
But she wouldn't let him remain silent this time, and tried
to lock gazes with him, without success, as she kept pressing, "That's it, you
never wanted to be alone. But people
left you. Like I did," she paused
briefly, "Like Rinoa."
The glass was broken.
A few looked in their direction as Ellone hurriedly grabbed
a napkin and wiped away the spilled champagne, while Squall winced as he pulled
out a couple of glass bits from his glove, one which had stuck in his
hand. Another sigh escaped Ellone as
she watched him take off the glove to examine the cut. "It hurts to be abandoned. But sometimes… you just do not have a
choice. I'm not saying Laguna couldn't
have tried harder to find the orphanage, but please… just give him a chance,
and hear what he has to say."
"Whatever," Squall muttered and rose, wrapping another
napkin around a slightly bloody hand, "I'd better get this cleaned up."
Quistis blinked and quickly backed up against the wall as
Squall rounded the corner she had been standing… hiding behind, relieved that
he was too focused on his own thoughts to notice her. Letting out a breath, she turned to peek at Ellone again, who was
left by the table with a mildly disappointed and lost look on her face, before
she got up to join Selphie and the others. Momentarily, Quistis considered following Squall, but decided against
it. He probably wanted to be alone with
his thoughts, and in fact, she needed to think through what she had just heard
too.
Laguna was Squall's father? That explained a few things, and brought up even more
questions. Squall was already under so
much stress; and this with Laguna could only make it worse.
Oh, but to know where you come from and who your real
parents are… It was something possibly
every orphan child had wondered about and wanted to know at some point of their
life. Something Quistis would never
know.
And I'm pretty sure Squall doesn't want it. That's so unfair…
She leaned back again, playing with a lock of her golden
hair as she looked back to the exit. The party around her went unnoticed as she somehow hoped Squall would
return through that door any minute now, even if she knew he'd probably not be
back that evening. Moving ice blue eyes
to the dance floor, scenes from a few months back came back to her, and she
pictured Squall out there with Rinoa. Squall. Dancing! When hell freezes over, she had thought at
the time, but Rinoa just went ahead, grabbed his hand and pulled him out there,
giving him no other choice.
That was what Rinoa always did. Grabbed him and pulled him out of his shell whether he liked it
or not, always bursting with energy despite how fragile and inexperienced she
seemed to be. Never gave him any choice
but to open to her. That was what
Quistis could never do. Quistis asked gently,
Quistis made careful approaches and subtle offers of help, and was always
turned down. Rinoa didn't ask. Rinoa didn't doubt. Rinoa didn't hesitate.
What was it about Rinoa? Or was there something wrong with me, is there still? Why am I even thinking about this!
But it wouldn't go away. The pain on his face when he had re-experienced the final moments of
Rinoa's life; it was like part of him had died along with her. The part of him that smiled, had a sense of
humour, that made him handle the role as leader so perfectly when he was
unwillingly forced into it. His
confidence and happiness had died with Rinoa. And Quistis? Quistis was there
once again, offering support that he didn't want, making more careful
approaches only to be rejected like before. All she wanted to do was help, maybe be that big sister Ellone had been
to him at the orphanage. That's what
she had told him, anyway. Sometimes she
wanted it to be true and almost believed it herself. It made things simpler. But that was when Rinoa was still alive. Now everything was different. Quistis didn't know what she wanted now, but her own lie was slowly
losing its meaning. Squall didn't need
any big sister. If anything, he already
had a sister. He had friends, but they
weren't enough. He had a father, but he
didn't want one.
He wants his life back, and he lost that along with Rinoa.
Closing her eyes, the young instructor tried to clear her
mind, the slow music playing in the background no longer just a blurred sound
to her, and she could hear the voices again. Above them rose a single cry of joy, and startled, Quistis glanced
towards the table where her friends were located.
"Oh my God, Irvy!" Selphie screeched excitedly as she stared at something tiny and shiny on
her finger. To Quistis' surprise,
Irvine was actually kneeling on the floor in front of Selphie, not seeming to
care much about the crowd that had begun to gather around them. Quistis hurried up and pushed past a few new
SeeDs to catch the rest of the show.
"Like it?" the cowboy asked casually, although he was
obviously nervous. Selphie could only
nod soundlessly, unable to find words for possibly the first time in her life,
emerald eyes still wide and slowly brimming over with tears. Smiling, Irvine tilted his head, "So,
whaddya say?"
"YES!" Selphie practically tossed herself into his arms,
and the crowd started clapping. Zell
could be heard screaming out 'All right, go Irvine!' and then whistle
loudly. Quistis didn't see what
happened next as the lump in her throat suddenly became too big to swallow, and
abruptly she turned and ran out of the ballroom. No one saw her leave.
Chapter XXVI:
A dim light spreading from the subtly lit main hall of
Garden outlined his face as he stood there, while the rest of his form was
cloaked in darkness. It was so very
quiet, but Squall was used to that, used to the silence and used to being
alone. The terrific beauty of the view
that the 'secret area' in the training centre provided really gave one an idea
as to how large Garden actually was, and in a way, it felt calming to watch it,
as he tried to forget about all the things that currently troubled him; just
for a moment. This was home. Garden. But so many things had changed. Despite his efforts, he was unable to let his mind rest, and was
eventually confronted by the icy voice of Shiva.
(You couldn't sleep?)
No use trying to…
(Are you worried about what Ellone told you?)
… No… well, yes… But what worries me the most is…
(Go on…)
I made another promise to Rinoa… A final promise. I'm worried I won't be able to keep this one
either.
(How do you know you can't keep it if you don't even try?)
The dark figure before her threw her off guard as she
entered the secret area; Quistis immediately recognized it, but she didn't
think she'd find him here. Apparently
he hadn't noticed her yet, so she approached very carefully, but his warrior
instincts made him snap around to face her before she could even say a word. Bright blue eyes behind small, round glasses
met him. "Squall? It's nearly 5 am… Have you been here all
night?"
Was she looking for me? Squall frowned,
although Quistis' sudden appearance didn't annoy him as much as he expected it
would. Thus he didn't ask why she was
there. Turning back to the view, he
leaned his right lower arm against the fence, "Pretty much."
Quistis could tell he had a lot on his mind, as he always
did, and she didn't blame him. Yet even
though she wanted to say something to make him feel better, or talk about his
concerns, she knew better than that. Yes, Quistis Trepe had learned a few things about Squall since the time
he was her student, and one was that she, unlike Rinoa, couldn't force him to
speak up. This was also a different
Squall she was dealing with. One that
was even more wounded, perhaps, but also one that couldn't shrug everything off
like he had used to do. So instead of
saying everything she wanted to say, she offered a faint smirk and asked,
"Weren't there any cadets making out here?"
A soft snort was given in reply, "There was. But they vanished once I got here."
"Being the Commander has a few advantages," Quistis
laughed, "They probably thought you'd come to chew them out for being outside
after curfew."
Something was familiar about this conversation. "That's the Disciplinary Committee's job,"
he said, then paused before adding, "Or it would have been, if there still was
one…"
Moving a few steps closer, Quistis placed her gloved hands
on the fence as well, her expression calm and yet sombre as she looked at the
view along with him, "Yes, it's all different now, isn't it… Even Seifer's not
the same. People don't seem to mind him
being here as much anymore either." No
reply. She sighed, and continued, "Did
you hear about Selphie and Irvine…?"
Squall kept staring straight ahead of him for a moment, as
if he hadn't heard the question, then gave a vague nod, "I heard a few
rumours. So it's true?"
"Yes, it is. I
can't believe they're actually getting married," she smiled a little sadly and
glanced at him, "I'd never thought Irvine would want to give up his 'freedom'…
not this quickly. But it's kind of
sweet, too. Selphie is so happy." As Squall still didn't say anything, and
seemed to show very little interest, Quistis trailed off. Would he ever stop being so cold? She had seen other sides of him… She had
seen him be afraid, hurt, angry, and caring and even happy, so why couldn't he
show any of this now? Didn't anyone but
Rinoa matter to him?
Had Quistis been able to read his thoughts, though, she would
have known that Squall cared. He cared
about Irvine and Selphie, and a part of him was glad on their behalf, but there
was no need for him to show this to Quistis. At least that was his reasoning. Rinoa had done so many things for him, but she couldn't change him
completely and he would never be one to talk much. Yet, it was she who had opened his eyes to see the people around
him, and helped him see that he had… friends. Or was it just Rinoa? Hadn't
they proved their own dedication themselves? They all said they were there for him, they'd help him out if he
was in trouble, yes, he knew all that. But none of them understood him like Rinoa had, they hadn't really tried
to…
… except Quistis. She kept following him around, she kept trying to save him from himself,
ever since he had lost Rinoa. Why?
In the silence that followed, Quistis could only guess what
was going through Squall's mind. Laguna? Ellone? … Rinoa? Why? Why did
she keep wondering, why did she keep trying when she knew it was useless? Squall would never get over Rinoa, he'd
never open up to her. Why couldn't she
leave him alone? Why did she feel so
bitter when thinking about Rinoa?
Rinoa had been her friend! Not a close friend, but still… a friend. But the way she had been able to get through to Squall like
Quistis never could… The raven haired Deling princess had even charmed Seifer
once. Free-spirited, cheerful Rinoa…
changed into a worried Sorceress Rinoa. Now she was gone. And Squall
still loved her more than anything. And
Quistis was still jealous of her.
… jealous? No… I
can't be… couldn't have been. It's
wrong, plain out wrong!
But wasn't she?
"Squall," Quistis said quickly, not able to handle the
silence and her own trail of thought. She was becoming just as broody as him now. "I… um… I saw you speaking with Ellone earlier, at the party."
The way Quistis seemed to hesitate - as if that wasn't what
she really was going to say - had Squall arching an eyebrow, but he decided to
answer the unasked question that he knew was lurking in Quistis' mind. "We're getting along better." His eyes narrowed again as a thought
occurred to him, "… you didn't overhear what we were talking about, did you?"
Now Quistis was surprised. Was she that easy to read? Squall was supposed to be the predictable one. "Well, I… …"
"So you did," Squall almost chuckled inwardly, although
humourlessly. Quistis had to find out
sooner or later, it was just in her nature. "It appears that President Loire is… Well. More than I thought he was…"
Quistis couldn't contain her curiosity, "Do you know who
your mother is too?"
Squall nodded. "I
saw her in Ellone's 'dreamworld' once…," he said softly, "Raine Loire… Or Raine
Leonhart. She died… giving birth to
me."
She merely nodded in return, "So you have a family… All I
ever had were adoptive parents. I
worried about them during the attack on Dollet, but… they were never really my
parents."
"I don't have a family, Quistis," Squall breathed out
slowly, nearly sounding disappointed at her statement, "I don't know these
people. Even Ellone isn't what she used
to be."
Not Sis.
Squall didn't need any Sis, he needed an equal. He didn't need pity, but understanding. Someone who would listen and care about what
he actually had to say. Rinoa had been
all this, but she had also been his to protect, and he didn't know if he could
ever protect anyone again. Something
was broken inside him, beyond repair. Yet he couldn't bear to be alone, and at the same time couldn't break
that evil circle, or maybe he didn't let himself do it.
Maybe he was just too blind to see.
"You're right, Squall… Family isn't easily defined,"
Quistis turned around to look at him, "But you know… I still have a
family. Zell, Selphie, Irvine… Cid and Edea… you… even Seifer. You've all been important parts of my life." Again, that sad smile appeared on her lips,
"Yet… Even in such a crowd, you can easily be alone. Isn't that strange?"
Quistis, alone? Quistis with her fan club called 'Trepies', Quistis the famous instructor,
the perfect cadet becoming a SeeD at 15, lonely? But Squall had never really known Quistis before, so how would he
know how lonely she was? She had been
that overly irritating instructor who kept acting like she was his big sister
at some times, and like she had a thing for him at others. Either way, he had always ignored her. But… Quistis wasn't an instructor trying to
tell him what to do anymore. She
wouldn't go away no matter what abuse he put her through when refusing to
accept her attempts at helping him, never giving up, but instead she kept
coming back to offer advice, to talk even when he didn't reply. To see him cry, to save his life, to share
his pain?
As his expression softened, Quistis found herself staring
into his steel blue eyes, encouraged by how he didn't turn away from her. For the first time she understood what Rinoa
had meant when she once said that Squall spoke better without words. "During all the battles… Through all our
training, we wear that mask of invincibility. But we're people like everyone else… We all need something to fight for,
that's what got us through the fight with Ultimecia. Zell has his parents in Balamb and Jadina. Selphie has Trabia Garden and Irvine, and
Irvine has Selphie. Cid and Matron have
each other."
"I had Rinoa…" He
watched her carefully. And what do
you have?
"I have Garden, my friends…," Quistis suddenly broke the
stare, eyeing the ground, "I have you. I know loneliness too, Squall, I can't let you do this to yourself for
the rest of your life."
She cares.
It was hard to tell exactly how it happened, or who made
the first move, but when Squall placed a single finger under her chin to tilt
her face up, and their gazes met, the next thing they knew their lips were
touching. Quickly it turned into a more
passionate kiss and Squall closed his eyes. What was this feeling? What was
he doing? But it didn't feel
wrong, it didn't feel like he was betraying Rinoa, it was new, unexpected… and strangely comforting and safe. So unlike the Squall everyone knew. Perhaps that's why it felt right.
Quistis was startled at first, her eyes wide, but then she
gave in to the moment and slowly wrapped her arms around Squall's neck. A longing fulfilled. Wasn't this what she had wanted for so
long? To have Squall close, have him
open up to her, love her. Someone who
loved her for who she was inside. …?
Something was wrong.
Abruptly she pulled away from him, stumbling backwards and
facing away so she wouldn't have to see the confusion she knew would be there,
"Squall, I can't, I just can't! I can't
replace Rinoa!"
Stunned, Squall just stood there, watching her
blankly. Finally finding his voice
again, he shook his head in protest. "I
never asked you to replace her," he frowned, suddenly looking hurt, "No one can
replace her."
"So what are you saying?" Quistis turned to him, struggling hard to keep her composure. This wasn't what she wanted, not like
this. "What just happened was… just
about you and me?" Squall opened his
mouth to say something, but Quistis held up her hand to stop him, "Last time we
were here, I wanted you to be a friend, and you told me to go talk to a
wall. You didn't care back then. I tried to change you and I couldn't. Then Rinoa came along and changed
everything. If she was still alive,
this would never have happened, and if you had never met her, this would never
have happened. Don't you get it,
Squall? I'll always feel like your
second choice."
Placing her hand over her mouth, she stared at him for
another brief instant, then fled out to the training centre before he could see
her tears. Squall looked after her, not
moving, not knowing what to do. Rejected, angry, confused and… alone.
Second choice…
But…
… I wasn't given any choice.
Chapter XXVII:
It was still dark outside when Xu locked herself into the
headmaster's office at 5:30 am that morning, carrying a bunch of various papers
under her arm that she would have to go through before Cid arrived. Payments from past missions, requests for
new missions, new applications for joining Garden… Xu sighed exaggeratedly at the weight of her work as she sat down
by her desk. It was at times like these
she regretted taking up the offer to be both Cid's assistant and an
instructor. She hardly had time to
sleep anymore. The cup on the table
next to her was filled with cold coffee from the day before. She frowned.
Suppose I
will have to make some new coffee, too…
The minute she rose from her chair to move over to the
coffee machine, the phone on Cid's desk rang. On the line that carried direct calls from Balamb Town, too, the one to
be used only in emergencies – the SeeD requests were usually sent to Garden in
written form. Xu hesitated. But waking up the headmaster would take too
much time, she figured, so she hurried over to his desk and picked up the
phone, answering in a tired, slightly gruff voice, "Balamb Garden, this is
Headmaster Cid Kramer's assistant Xu Xasalu speaking."
As the man on the other end of the line spoke, Xu's brown
eyes widened slowly. "What? When? … Yes… I will inform him as soon
as possible. Yes, I understand the
situation. What? Of course. Yes, okay."
Now fully awake without even paying the coffee a second
thought, she hang up and then ran over to her own desk, grabbing the phone and
dialling the local number to Cid and Edea's private room. "Sir? … I wouldn't disturb you if it wasn't
important. Cid, you have to get up
here, right now."
Squall had headed back to his dorm without much hope of
getting any sleep, even if he had been up all night and most of the night
before. He would just have to drink
massive amounts of coffee at breakfast again. It had almost become a habit. As
he laid down on his bed to try to get at least some rest, his thoughts began
drifting as he predicted, promising him no sleep this time either. Quistis. She had left him in anger just minutes earlier, and right then and there
he hadn't understood why. Now, however,
her words came back to him. Had he
misinterpreted her actions and words? Hadn't she wanted it as much as he had? He knew how long he had neglected her, and in fact, he had only recently
begun to even care about that fact at all. She had been his sister, instructor, friend… Was that all there was? Had he fooled himself into believing there was something more, just
because she was his friend, because she supported him, because… because he needed
there to be something more?
Did I really try to replace Rinoa with her?
(Do you believe that, Squall?)
She is right, though, Shiva… If Rinoa wasn't… I mean… if she hadn't…
(I know.)
… then this wouldn't have happened.
(Humans are
able to fall in love more than once. I
know you better than to think you would kiss a woman without meaning something
with it. You see something in Quistis
that you want and need. That doesn't
have anything to do with Rinoa. I
cannot know your every emotion, but I've been with you, and humans in general,
long enough to learn certain things…)
But-
(If Rinoa was alive, you wouldn't feel this way about Quistis. That may be true, as Quistis said, but isn't
everything that happens a result of the past? If you hadn't been an orphan, would you have been a SeeD? If you hadn't been in such a desperate need
for acceptance, would you have fallen in love with Rinoa? You will never get over Rinoa, and no one
expects you to, but should the past stop you from being happy again in the
future? Or maybe the question is, will
you let it?)
Shiva was solemn. Squall was startled to see this very serious, not to mention
knowledgeable, side of her, and even more startled to know she knew things
about him not even Rinoa had been able to see. And she was right.
The question is, what will Quistis do…
Why was he still in doubt…?
But the brooding session was rudely interrupted as the
Garden intercom summoned Squall - along with a row of familiar names: Zell, Selphie, Irvine, Nida, Jadina, Quistis
and Seifer – to the headmaster's office. A gentle, cool breeze caressed his cheek just barely as he stood
up. For the first time in over a month,
a smile crossed Squall's face. Just for
a second, just a little curl of his lips, but it was there. "Thank you, Shiva," he whispered as he
walked out the door. Through his
window, the first rays of dawn entered.
"A serious problem has come to our attention," Cid paced
back and forth as he spoke to the little crowd within his office, a grim frown
etched on his face, "President Temeka has ordered Adar Nalhan's execution. And it is to happen today. Nalhan has apparently been unable to gather
evidence to prove himself innocent, and even if he had, chances are Temeka
would have discarded them. Galbadia
needs someone to blame. Nalhan will be
it." Looking up at the seven SeeDs and
one fallen knight that stood before him, Cid put emphasis on his next words,
"We all know how much of a threat Temeka is. Dollet is in a very weak state, and they couldn't defend themselves
against another attack. Temeka, much
like many previous Galbadian presidents, only wants one thing: Power. If Nalhan is killed, there's nothing left to
stop him. Several soldiers loyal to
Caraway and Nalhan have been discovered and disposed of already. The few who are left sent a plead to us
earlier this morning to help them stop the execution before it's too late."
"Excuse me, sir," Quistis spoke up, "But how do we do
something like this when it's against most of the population and army's
will? In order to carry this out, it's
likely we'll have to arrest Temeka or even kill him in the attempt. Even if we do rescue Nalhan, won't the mob
get both us and him?"
Xu, who was standing next to Edea near the headmaster's
desk, shook her head, "The army and the people aren't as happy about the
current rule as they appear to be. Reports from our spies in Galbadia reveal that most everyone are too
afraid or too little informed about what's actually going on to stand up
against Temeka. The people of Galbadia
have been oppressed for so long that they don't know how to liberate themselves
anymore."
"As you can imagine, this is a most important mission," Cid
continued, "That's why I'm sending the six of you, as well as Jadina Letris and
Seifer, as I trust and believe that if anyone can handle this, it's you."
Zell narrowed his eyes and turned to look at Seifer, who
appeared to be quite surprised himself. "Headmaster, why is Seifer coming? Isn't this too important to, like, risk that anythin' goes
wrong?"
Edea stepped forward, "Seifer has no more reason to let
anything go wrong than any of you do, Zell. Besides, we are in short of SeeDs as so many were wounded during the
battle in Dollet. We could need the
help. You will need the help."
Although not everyone seemed to be as pleased with having
Seifer with them again, no one else protested. Zell practically fumed as he saw a grin appear on Seifer's face, but
calmed down when Jadina put her hand on his, and he let the topic pass. He didn't see Seifer turning away slightly
and sighing, the grin fading just a little too quickly.
"You will head out immediately. We would like to keep our approach as subtle as possible, but we
don't have much time. It's now 6:15
am. The execution is scheduled to be in
five hours and 45 minutes from now. You
will take Ragnarok to a location near Deling City, where two cars sent by our
spies will pick you up." Cid paused,
then nodded firmly, "Good luck."
On the way out, Squall heard Selphie and Irvine whispering
behind him.
"Do you think we'll have time to say goodbye to Ellone
first?" Selphie asked.
Irvine blinked, "She's leaving?"
"Yeah, Sir Laguna's sending Kiros and Ward to get her
today. But I'm sure she'll be back for
our wedding! We'll have to invite Sir
Laguna, too, and all my friends from Trabia Garden!"
The cowboy was silent for a moment, and sounded somewhat
unsure when he replied, "Sure, babe." Selphie didn't seem to notice, and continued to chat cheerfully.
I know what you're thinking, Irvine, Squall thought, … this is a dangerous
mission. What if not all of us return…?
Stepping into the lift, he wasn't quite prepared for the
exchange of glances he had with Quistis, and neither was she, apparently. She turned away from him quickly, and
started talking with Nida to divert her own attention. Squall watched her for a second, then let
his gaze drop to his medallion, and he held it up slightly to study the silvery
lion's head. His expression melted into
a plain, empty frown.