Don't Be
by Trish (snoflayyke@aol.com)
My first Ken-based ficcy. It's a bit strange, but then
again, so's Ken-chan. ^_^ I sort of play around with
the facts, so don't be suprised if you read something
and it didn't really happen.
Oh yeah, and there's some mild-Kensuke. No more then
there is on the show, I assure you.
* * *
Daisuke wanted to know why.
I didn't want to tell him. I knew why. Had always known
why. I didn't want him to know.
Daisuke. Strong. Courageous. Powerful.
It seems he's always been there for me. Even when I
didn't know it. Even when I didn't except it. I didn't
want to admit to him that I was weak.
He doesn't know. He doesn't know what I really am. He
knows I'm emotional and that sometimes I blame myself
for things that can't be helped. But he doesn't think
I'm weak for that. He doesn't think I'm weak at all.
But I am.
/Hey Ken-chan, how come you let Arukennimon put that
dark spore inside of you?/ he asked me one day.
It was an innocent question. We were playing soccer in
the park. He'd asked it on a complete whim. I could
have said anything, and he would have excepted it
without hesitation.
But I didn't say anything.
/Ken-chan, daijoubu?/ He was by my side in an instant,
keeping me steady with his strong hands. I guess I'd
blanked out, suddenly.
It was because of what he'd asked. Why had I let
Arukennimon change me? Why had I believed her lies so
easily?
...Because they were beautiful lies.
I kept remembering the same things over and over. They
were playing on a loop, or so it would seem. It was
almost as though all my other memories were
unaccessible, because certain ones wouldn't go away.
...Blowing bubbles with Osamu on the balcony.
/Your bubbles are bigger than mine, Ken-chan, because
you're gentle./
...Wishing that I would never have to live in Osamu's
shadow.
/Ken-chan, there's been an accident... Osamu is.../
It was my fault that Osamu died. Because I wanted him
to. Because I didn't want to be "the other son". I
wanted to be the one my parents could be proud of. The
one people were in awe of.
And then I got my chance, and it didn't seem worth it
anymore.
The Ichijouji's youngest son became worse off.
Alarmingly low test scores, an inability to socialize
with other people.
I'd never seen my parents look so misreable in my
entire life.
Their perfect son had died, and their other son was
slowly, but surely, joining him.
And that's when she appeared.
A beautiful lady with false promises and a mysterious
agenda.
/You parents are so depressed!/ She had observed, /All
because they lost the son that made them proud. You
know, you could make them feel better if you tried./
And, naiively, I believed her.
/Since you were the one to make them so upset, it's
only natural you make up for it./
/And how would I do that?/
/What made them happy?/ she asked. I didn't know it at
the time, but she was sucking my soul dry. She was
killing all the goodness in my heart. She was killing
my heart.
/Osamu made them happy/ I told her, feeling the
depression and rage start to bubble. Feeling the
darkness start to overcome me.
/To make them happy, you have to be Osamu./
And she told me she could do it for me. She could make
me smarter, stronger, more athletic. If I let her, she
could make me twice the prodigy Osamu was.
If I let her.
But I was afraid. Because she hadn't been able to
destroy every part of my soul. There was a small part
that I kept protected by stone. The small part that was
my happy memories. /I'm sure my parents love me the way
I am. I'm sure they don't mind that I'm not good like
Osamu. Parents are supposed to be like that, aren't
they?/
/Children are supposed to be good./
And I just wasn't any good.
Crack. Crack. Crack. The stone protecting my happy
memories started to shatter. They were replaced by
memories of Osamu teaching me to blow bubbles, and my
ungrateful thanks-- wishing him dead. They were
replaced by memories of isolation and neglect.
So she said, /Be good, or don't be./
/Do it then./ Darkness spread over me. /Do it./
I couldn't tell Daisuke that I was so easily subdued.
For some reason he admired me, and I didn't want to
make him sorry for that. I wanted to make him proud.
That's what my life is all about, isn't it? Making
someone proud. It's either 'kaasan or 'tousan or
Daisuke. But it's always someone.
* * *
"Tell me what's wrong," Daisuke's hands rest on my
shoulders, "I know you're strong but you can't possibly
be that strong. Let me help you. We're friends, you
know."
Friends. The word is so new to me.
"You're my first friend," I tell him, "I don't know
what it's like to have them. I don't know what I'm
supposed to do."
He blinks in confusion, "You don't have to do anything.
Just do what comes natural. Having a friend isn't
supposed to be hard work."
Everyone thinks he's ignorant. I can't fathom why. He
can make such difficult concepts-- like love and
friendship-- so simple. He understands them in his own
way.
"I want you to be proud of me," I say, "I want to be
good for you."
He smiles, sadly, "I don't get you, Ken-chan. Why don't
you just be yourself? I'll like you no matter what."
... No matter what. Unconditionally.
Everyday Daisuke teaches me something new; something I
should have already known.
"If you just relax once and awhile," he breezes on,
"You'll be happier. For a second, stop being Ken
Ichijouji. Be someone else. Be someone who fools around
and is stupid. Be Daisuke for a day," he laughs.
The problem's not me being Ken Ichijouji. The problem's
me being Osamu Ichijouji. I don't know what Ken's like.
I forgot. It's been so long since I've let myself be
free.
'She' had told me that if I wanted to be anything, I
had to be Osamu. If I wanted to be loved and admired...
If I wanted to be forgiven... I would have to finish
living Osamu's life. The life I had wished for, but
hadn't really wanted.
* * *
Everyday I feel myself becoming Ken. For every error I
make I feel Osamu's ghost being put to rest. I'm not
always good, but my parents still love me. Always will
love me. It took us a few years to figure that out, but
it's better late than never.
As for Daisuke... He'll always be proud.
... Of my accomplishments and my success.
But especially for the mistakes I allow myself to make.
* * *
NOTES:
I am such a crack fiend. ^o^ I was thinking about
writing this story where Arukenimon is the one who
manipulates Ken into becoming Kaizer (even though I
don't mention him being one). She's the one who wedges
the dark spore inside his neck. But I effed this up, and
I made it about Ken being woe-begotten. lol. Not like he
*isn't*.
That "Don't Be" spiel, I got from Evangelion. It was
Asuka's belief that you had to be the best at
everything you tried, or else you didn't deserve to
live. Hence, "Be good, or don't be". Of course, we
shouldn't listen to Asuka. She's highly deranged. Cool,
yes, but still deranged.
by Trish (snoflayyke@aol.com)
My first Ken-based ficcy. It's a bit strange, but then
again, so's Ken-chan. ^_^ I sort of play around with
the facts, so don't be suprised if you read something
and it didn't really happen.
Oh yeah, and there's some mild-Kensuke. No more then
there is on the show, I assure you.
* * *
Daisuke wanted to know why.
I didn't want to tell him. I knew why. Had always known
why. I didn't want him to know.
Daisuke. Strong. Courageous. Powerful.
It seems he's always been there for me. Even when I
didn't know it. Even when I didn't except it. I didn't
want to admit to him that I was weak.
He doesn't know. He doesn't know what I really am. He
knows I'm emotional and that sometimes I blame myself
for things that can't be helped. But he doesn't think
I'm weak for that. He doesn't think I'm weak at all.
But I am.
/Hey Ken-chan, how come you let Arukennimon put that
dark spore inside of you?/ he asked me one day.
It was an innocent question. We were playing soccer in
the park. He'd asked it on a complete whim. I could
have said anything, and he would have excepted it
without hesitation.
But I didn't say anything.
/Ken-chan, daijoubu?/ He was by my side in an instant,
keeping me steady with his strong hands. I guess I'd
blanked out, suddenly.
It was because of what he'd asked. Why had I let
Arukennimon change me? Why had I believed her lies so
easily?
...Because they were beautiful lies.
I kept remembering the same things over and over. They
were playing on a loop, or so it would seem. It was
almost as though all my other memories were
unaccessible, because certain ones wouldn't go away.
...Blowing bubbles with Osamu on the balcony.
/Your bubbles are bigger than mine, Ken-chan, because
you're gentle./
...Wishing that I would never have to live in Osamu's
shadow.
/Ken-chan, there's been an accident... Osamu is.../
It was my fault that Osamu died. Because I wanted him
to. Because I didn't want to be "the other son". I
wanted to be the one my parents could be proud of. The
one people were in awe of.
And then I got my chance, and it didn't seem worth it
anymore.
The Ichijouji's youngest son became worse off.
Alarmingly low test scores, an inability to socialize
with other people.
I'd never seen my parents look so misreable in my
entire life.
Their perfect son had died, and their other son was
slowly, but surely, joining him.
And that's when she appeared.
A beautiful lady with false promises and a mysterious
agenda.
/You parents are so depressed!/ She had observed, /All
because they lost the son that made them proud. You
know, you could make them feel better if you tried./
And, naiively, I believed her.
/Since you were the one to make them so upset, it's
only natural you make up for it./
/And how would I do that?/
/What made them happy?/ she asked. I didn't know it at
the time, but she was sucking my soul dry. She was
killing all the goodness in my heart. She was killing
my heart.
/Osamu made them happy/ I told her, feeling the
depression and rage start to bubble. Feeling the
darkness start to overcome me.
/To make them happy, you have to be Osamu./
And she told me she could do it for me. She could make
me smarter, stronger, more athletic. If I let her, she
could make me twice the prodigy Osamu was.
If I let her.
But I was afraid. Because she hadn't been able to
destroy every part of my soul. There was a small part
that I kept protected by stone. The small part that was
my happy memories. /I'm sure my parents love me the way
I am. I'm sure they don't mind that I'm not good like
Osamu. Parents are supposed to be like that, aren't
they?/
/Children are supposed to be good./
And I just wasn't any good.
Crack. Crack. Crack. The stone protecting my happy
memories started to shatter. They were replaced by
memories of Osamu teaching me to blow bubbles, and my
ungrateful thanks-- wishing him dead. They were
replaced by memories of isolation and neglect.
So she said, /Be good, or don't be./
/Do it then./ Darkness spread over me. /Do it./
I couldn't tell Daisuke that I was so easily subdued.
For some reason he admired me, and I didn't want to
make him sorry for that. I wanted to make him proud.
That's what my life is all about, isn't it? Making
someone proud. It's either 'kaasan or 'tousan or
Daisuke. But it's always someone.
* * *
"Tell me what's wrong," Daisuke's hands rest on my
shoulders, "I know you're strong but you can't possibly
be that strong. Let me help you. We're friends, you
know."
Friends. The word is so new to me.
"You're my first friend," I tell him, "I don't know
what it's like to have them. I don't know what I'm
supposed to do."
He blinks in confusion, "You don't have to do anything.
Just do what comes natural. Having a friend isn't
supposed to be hard work."
Everyone thinks he's ignorant. I can't fathom why. He
can make such difficult concepts-- like love and
friendship-- so simple. He understands them in his own
way.
"I want you to be proud of me," I say, "I want to be
good for you."
He smiles, sadly, "I don't get you, Ken-chan. Why don't
you just be yourself? I'll like you no matter what."
... No matter what. Unconditionally.
Everyday Daisuke teaches me something new; something I
should have already known.
"If you just relax once and awhile," he breezes on,
"You'll be happier. For a second, stop being Ken
Ichijouji. Be someone else. Be someone who fools around
and is stupid. Be Daisuke for a day," he laughs.
The problem's not me being Ken Ichijouji. The problem's
me being Osamu Ichijouji. I don't know what Ken's like.
I forgot. It's been so long since I've let myself be
free.
'She' had told me that if I wanted to be anything, I
had to be Osamu. If I wanted to be loved and admired...
If I wanted to be forgiven... I would have to finish
living Osamu's life. The life I had wished for, but
hadn't really wanted.
* * *
Everyday I feel myself becoming Ken. For every error I
make I feel Osamu's ghost being put to rest. I'm not
always good, but my parents still love me. Always will
love me. It took us a few years to figure that out, but
it's better late than never.
As for Daisuke... He'll always be proud.
... Of my accomplishments and my success.
But especially for the mistakes I allow myself to make.
* * *
NOTES:
I am such a crack fiend. ^o^ I was thinking about
writing this story where Arukenimon is the one who
manipulates Ken into becoming Kaizer (even though I
don't mention him being one). She's the one who wedges
the dark spore inside his neck. But I effed this up, and
I made it about Ken being woe-begotten. lol. Not like he
*isn't*.
That "Don't Be" spiel, I got from Evangelion. It was
Asuka's belief that you had to be the best at
everything you tried, or else you didn't deserve to
live. Hence, "Be good, or don't be". Of course, we
shouldn't listen to Asuka. She's highly deranged. Cool,
yes, but still deranged.