A/N: Okay, my friends read my story and they started threatening me to write others involving the PH cast and the Askewneiverse so…I did, I figure this could be a way to entertain loyal Kevin Smith fans and introduce a new wave. I'm starting from the beginning, which was obviously "Clerks" and using the occupational names I came up with the title "Pilots" so here ya go.
Disclaimer: Bay, Bruckhiemer, and Wallace own the characters and shit, Smith owns the plot line and Jay and Silent Bob, and some stuff may belong to me Damnit maybe Kari was right maybe I'm not original but who cares fuck her!!! My steam is now blowing out; few I'm feeling better.
Int.: RAFE's room- day
We find our selves in the room of RAFE MCCAWLEY (24), a pilot in the US army, he sleeps, half drunk from a party the night before, underneath the random clutter of his room. THE PHONE rings over and over. Rafe sits up clutching his head from a headache.
RAFE
Who the fuck is calling me on a Sunday morning?
He says as he rubs his face. He rummages through a pile of junk as the ring gets louder; he retrieves it and picks it up.
RAFE (cont.)
Hello?
VOICE (OC)
Hey we're being attacked by the Japanese, we need you to come help.
RAFE
But it's my fucking day off!
VOICE (OC)
But people are dying!
RAFE
I've got a hockey game at 2!
VOICE (OC)
Oh don't worry BILLY's coming at noon
RAFE
Okay, Okay, I'll do it.
Rafe hangs up and puts on some pants. He exits.
RAFE
(Mumbling)
Going to work on my fucking day off!
Int.: Airbase: office- day
DANNY WALKER (22) sits at the desk looking through a porno magazine. In front of the door he hears…
Ext.: Airfield- day
JAY and SILENT BOB lean up against the wall bopping their heads to an imaginary beat.
JAY
1-2-1-2-3-4
Noonch, Noonch, Noonch,
Shmoking Weed, Shmoking Weed,
Doing Coke drinking beers,
Drinking beers, beers, beers.
Danny storms through the doors as Jay makes a sale.
DANNY
What the fuck are you doing? You can't sell drugs on a US airbase!
JAY
Yo bitch calm down; these aren't any fucking drugs these are mine and this tubby Bitch's Snootchie Bootchie Nootchies!
DANNY
(Points to his (Danny's) aggravated face)
You see this face? This is my fucking caring face.
JAY
I think you need one of these.
Jay holds one up to him.
DANNY
Get that shit out of my face!
There is a boom in the background and the three look in the direction startled.
JAY
What the fuck was that?
DANNY
I think we're being bombed!
SILENT BOB
(Mumbles)
No fucking shit Sherlock
DANNY
What?
SILENT BOB
(Screaming)
I SAID NO FUCKING SHIT YOU DUMB ASS PILOT!!!
JAY
Shnoogins.
DANNY
Will you stop talking like a fucking baby?
They all forget about the attack until another bomb explodes. Jay and Silent Bob run away like two scared little schoolgirls.
Ext.: Airfield- day
Rafe unlocks the garage next to the airbase. He looks to his side to see Danny looking up at the sky. Rafe shrugs and enters the garage, Danny follows.
Int.: Garage- day
Rafe pulls a sheet off of a plane and grabs some black paint, on it he writes:
BOMB US AND I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!
Rafe then takes some cans with screws and walks outside with the sheet.
Ext.: Airfield- day
Rafe walks into the middle of the street and lays out the sheet putting the cans on each corner to hold it down. He walks back inside…
Int.: Garage- day
DANNY
Hey
(beat)
I thought you weren't supposed to be here today.
RAFE
Don't even get me fucking started!
DANNY
Are ya still going to the hockey game?
RAFE
Yeah, Billy's coming at 12.
DANNY
You didn't hear?
RAFE
Hear what?
DANNY
He fucking died!
RAFE
What!? How?
DANNY
A dud blew up right next to him,
(beat)
Anthony told me 'bout it.
RAFE
Shit! Now I'm stuck here all day!
DANNY
Hey, I'll be here.
RAFE
I'm feeling so much better!
(beat)
C'mon let's go shoot down some planes.
The two walk over to some planes and jump in they start them up and go through the large door. The second they get away from the garage a bomb drops right on it destroying it and the sign.
RAFE
That's it I'm gonna fucking kill them!
The two shoot down a bunch of planes and land, running over to the hospital.
Int.: Hospital- day
Oil covered people lye throughout the hospital. EVELYN (23) sews up a guy and sees her boyfriend Rafe and Danny.
EVELYN
Remind me to quit ASAP.
RAFE
Whatever.
Danny picks up a scalpel and examines it.
DANNY
What does this do?
EVELYN
Put that down.
DANNY
When you gals get horny do you use it as a substitute?
RAFE
Shut the fuck up!
EVELYN
Well only sometimes.
RAFE
Wow, I've never seen such a horny virgin before.
EVELYN
What? I'm not a virgin!
RAFE
You aren't? How many guys have you slept with?
EVELYN
Well one.
RAFE
Who?
EVELYN
(softly)
Danny.
RAFE
WHAT?!
EVELYN
I'm not proud of it!
(beat)
how many have you fucked?
RAFE
I don't know like seven?
EVELYN
Who?
RAFE
I dunno?
EVELYN
So you can fuck seven girls you don't remember, but if I sleep with your best friend it's such a big deal?
RAFE
Well, yeah!
(to everyone)
My girlfriend fucked my best friend!
BLEEDING MAN
Yo, can I be your friend?
RAFE & EVELYN
NO!
RAFE
Wow isn't this perfect?
(beat)
How would you feel if I slept with SANDRA?
Evelyn looks at him funny.
RAFE (cont.)
Yeah I know bad example.
EVELYN
Well I wouldn't care as long as it didn't happen while we were dating.
RAFE
Sure.
(sighs)
I gotta get back to the garage.
EVELYN
I'll see ya later.
RAFE
Bye.
Rafe and Danny exit.
Int.: Garage- day
Rafe and Danny sit on the smoldering clutter of the mass destruction that was once the garage. Danny looks through a pilot magazine. Rafe pouts about his hockey game.
DANNY
Did you hear this shit? Airplanes are soon going to be a transportation source. What pride will army pilots have after that?
RAFE
Why the fuck did you bang my girlfriend?
DANNY
What can I say, When I'm drunk I get horny and before you started dating her she was one horny bitch. Wait, scratch that she still is.
RAFE
(sarcastically)
hahaha!
Will this day ever end?
Jay and Silent Bob enter.
JAY
Yo bitch, why the long face?
Ya need a fatty boom batty blunt?
Rafe
No, I need to get the fuck out of here!
JAY
Why are you here?
Rafe
I gotta watch the planes!
JAY
(looks around at the ashes)
What planes?
Rafe
Your right!
(beat)
I am outta here!
Rafe walks out of the room chanting…
Rafe (cont.)
I'm free!
JAY
That guy is totally fucked up.
(to Bob)
C'mon fat-ass, Let's go to the bar, there'll be a lot of fucking business, and Poo Poo Kitty Fucks.
Jay and Silent Bob leave. Danny shrugs and leaves too.
THE END!
I know it was horrible, cut up, and minus a lot of good parts, but there are four other movies left, so if I get five positive reviews I'll write the next adventure, BarRats.
Hope ya liked it!