Disclaimer: Not mine, not being paid.

Author's Notes: AU. Pre-Season 6.

The Only Gesture

"A month today," Spike muttered under his breath, "A bloody month." He has been saying that all day long. And pacing. He has been pacing like he were Angel or something. If he doesn't stop, I'm going to knock him down, and maybe kick him a little, but mainly just push. No, no I won't. That's not me thinking these things. It's the demon.

It's been a month since Willow cast the spell that was supposed to make everyones lives easier, even Spike's. Simply put, the idea was that the demon in Spike would be forced out of his body, leaving him a living human. Simply put, the spell screwed up. Oh, it forced the demon out of him, but it also forced it into me. Now, he's human and I'm a vampire. Geez, and our relationship wasn't hard enough?

It's been three weeks since I asked a question that no one could answer. "If Angel gave Wil the demon, and the demon was forced out of him and into me, who's my sire?" My Willi stormed out, leaving everyone stunned and mulling over my question. Eventually, he came back. "No sire," he whispered, "You've not been sired. You were evolved." Speaking louder, he added, "Red, you and your bint might start looking for prophesies containing this sort of thing while you look for a cure."

Two weeks since Spike and I were allowed to go patroling again. I had been forced to stay in Giles' house for the two weeks previous. Wil had stayed with me. We would lay in bed together, just holding each other and pretending things weren't different. But it was hard to ignore his warmth behind me as we spooned, his heart beating against my back. Somehow, I managed.

A week ago, the secret slipped. Not only was I a freak of vampire nature by the way I became a vampire, but I didn't act like vampires were supposed to act. I had control over my hunger from the very beginning. Wil was especially shocked by the fact that I didn't try to bite him during the night. My personality had barely changed other than the fact that I was a bit more aggressive and spoke my mind more easily. I had felt like a freak when I was human, and I feel like a freak as a vampire.

Now, Wil was freaking because it is four weeks today that we have been... in each others places, I suppose. His voice carries to me more than he probably aware of. His pleasure of being without the chip is twisted and torn to bits by his wish of normalcy. He wants things back to normal. I can't say that I blame him, but I want us to both be one or the other instead of playing this back and forth game. That's part of the reason we are back at my apartment, our apartment. I want my love to be comfortable.

"Touch me," I say. I don't know where things like that come from, but they started appearing frequently since the 'exchange' as I like to refer to it in my mind.

"What?" I obviously startled him. His face holds a expression I find endearing. A cross between lust, confusion, and the slightest bit of fear. Imagine that, I install fear into people now.

"Take all that energy that is going to waste and put it into something that we can enjoy." There it goes again. My mouth is quickly becoming my most hated feature.

The fear is gone, as is the confusion, leaving only lust. He begins to cross the room, a feral gleam in his eyes, to where I am lounging in an arm chair.

"Damn it," he swears when the phone rings. Wil turns on his heels and stalks to the phone. "What do you want, I was about to get off!" he barks into the mouthpiece when he picks it up, not giving time for the other person to talk. The anger in his stance dissipates, his shoulders slump in sadness. I know what I would see if he were facing me.

"'Kay. be there after sundown." Setting the phone down onto its cradle slowly, his scent is making its way to me. A mixture of relief and fear. The smell of fear is heady , and I know too much will make me lightheaded.

"Sundown is in thirty. What's going on?" I ask as I get up from my chair. I guess that sex is out.

"Watcher and Red think they may have found something."

"That explains the aroma of relief and fear, but what about the sadness?" I need to know what he is thinking. I know when he lies to me now.

His eyes darken slightly from their usual icey blue to an electric color. "I dunno." he slouches. Turning away from me, he slowly walks to a window and opens the curtains, allowing sunlight to fall on him, but nowhere near me. "I think...," he starts insecurely, "I think maybe this is why." His eyes close, he smiles slightly.

And I don't know what to say to him. He stands there, in front of the window, highlighted by light that he hadn't been allowed to touch a month ago. I want to pull him to me, make our torsos touch, nearly crush him with my vampiric strength and tell him that I can see what is going on, make the only gesture of understanding he will recognize, "Li, I love you."