Disclaimer: Not mine, can't blame me because they are too awesome not to play with.

Author's Notes: AU. Pre-Season 6.

The Only Platitude

I'm still blurry on the details of what happened. One day, I go out of town to get a day by myself, and the next, one of my best friends is my enemy by nature. I remember walking into Giles' place and sensing a vamp, but I thought it was just Spike. A few seconds later, I see Spike curled up on a vamped out Xander's chest, sleeping. I froze, two questions running through my mind. 'What the hell happened to Xander?' and 'Why is Spike sleeping on Xander?'

I pulled a stake out, going into a offensive stance when Angel walks into the living room from the kitchen. He heard my heart beating wildly, he told me later. He ran to me and took the stake away. "You might want to ask questions first," he said in his 'all knowing, all seeing' tone.

Then, I freaked. I yelled and screamed and wailed for an hour. When I finally quit, too tired to continue, I saw Xander crying. I let my own tears fall.

It's been a month, but it's all so fresh in everyone's mind. Why did our Xander have to go through this? His first serious encounter with a vampire was when he staked his best friend, and now, he is what his best friend was. Sadness creeps into his eyes when he thinks that everyone is too busy to notice.

I think that is why I convinced Giles to let Spike and Xan go patrolling with me. They were shutting themselves away from us. I know that most people think I don't see things, but I'm not completely oblivious to other people's pain. Xander needed something to spend his anger and sadness on and he wasn't going to leave Spike behind. Spike needed it, too. This wasn't any easier for him.

That is something else that is slightly confusing me. I don't understand how they came to be together like they are now. Spike is so gentle and caring with Xan. I wouldn't have thought he would have it in him to care for someone other than Dru. But, here he is, loving Xander.

The one time that Xander and I have been alone and talked, I asked him how Spike treated him before everything happened. All Xander said was that 'Wil won't ever change'. I hope that means Spike was good to him before the spell.

Willow is obsessed with finding something to reverse the spell she cast that caused this whole ordeal. Giles has given her every spell or charm book in his possession. He wants to find the solution as quickly as she does. Tara sits in the background until her services are required. I can tell she isn't too happy with how Willow went about this spell, but she doesn't seem to be truly upset.

Angel commutes between LA and here as often as possible. For some reason, I think he may blame himself for this whole thing. It wouldn't surprise me, he is always trying to take on more than necessary.

Everything right now is shocking and confusing or surprising and weird. I don't know how Spike and Xander adjusted so well to this whole thing. They act like it never even happened sometimes.

Now, Willow and Giles think they have found something that might help, but I'm worried. What if the same thing that happened a month ago, happens with this spell? What if it isn't translated correctly? What kind of consequences are there? I don't have an answer for anything.

The two that will be the most affected by anything that may occur just walked through Giles' front door, hand in hand. They go everywhere like that some days. Like they don't know that they are two separate people.

Without saying anything to anyone, they walk over to Spike's favorite chair. Xander sits in the seat and 'his Willi' sits on his lap. They are quite a pair sometimes. The light against dark. The contrast was deeper not too long ago, but not by as much as you would think.
Xander whispers a greeting, Spike nods his head. Giles nervously walks back and forth, to and from the kitchen. Books are scattered about, and Willow is in the middle of them on the floor, leaning against the couch. Tara sits on the couch with a leg on either side of her lover. I sit to myself in the other chair. No one has said anything. No one knows what to say.

Six pairs of eyes wonder around the room. Mine land on the couple in the chair. They are a cute couple. They love each other.
The couple on the couch shuffle slightly. Willow leans back even more than before. It's like she thinks she can disappear into the couch, or into Tara.

The tension in the room is suffocating. I want this to be over with. Not just this meeting, but the whole situation. I miss the easy going times. I want everything back to normal.

My eyes have been glancing around again, but, again, I come back to my friend and his lover. I watch Spike. He has his side to Xander's chest and his feet over the arm of the chair. His head is on Xan's shoulder, his eyes closed.

He opens them. They are that shocking ice blue. Cold is no longer a word to describe them, they have a new look to them. I love the color, so pale and unusual.

And then I see it. He gives up gazing at a wall for looking into my eyes. And I see the regret and tears that he hasn't let shed yet. I see fear and anger that has been repressed from the beginning. I see this all and understand. I just want to pull him to me, nearly crush him with what he sees in my eyes and murmer the useless phrase that is meant to make you feel better, the only platitude that I can remember now that I mouth to him, "I am sorry, Spike."