Johnny The Homicidal Maniac belongs to the Great Jhonen Vasquez and all that good shit };
(Also, the dialogue kind of goes back and forth, I doubt there will be any confusion, have a nice day.)
The stars look beautiful tonight. As I lay down on the hood of my beat up p.o.s. I look up into the night's sky. I then pick myself up and stare down at the town I liked to call home. Things had changed; things had changed a lot for me. I saw things differently and I realized what needed to be done with the monstrosity that is me. My life had been a meaningless, disturbing mess and I wasn't even sure why. How had I become this disturbed person, a person who had committed unspeakable horrors? That day I had decided to leave my town. I tried to apologize to my dear Devi, and said my farewells to the little Squee. I had to leave; I was so messed up with emotions. Disgusting human needing, wanting, feeling, emotional humanity. It revolts me in a way that nothing I have ever done *has*. I don't know where I'm going, or what I'm supposed to find, but all I know is that the next time I visit this ledge I will be emotionless. Hopefully. I looked down on the town, at its people, scurrying like little insect that needed to be exterminated. Parasites, a cancer on this Earth. I feel something wet on my cheek, a tear. I wipe it off angrily and slam my fist onto the hood.
"Fucking emotions!", I scream out into the night.
I pick myself up and get into my car. I didn't know what I was doing anymore. What had happened to my cause? When did I get so clouded as to let that thing behind my wall get into my brain? When did I become so blind as to not see the Doughboys begin to move? When did I become so fucking melodramatic? A car behind me was honking his horn, that was annoying. I slammed on my breaks. The guy behind me swerved into the middle of the street and was promptly hit by a truck. I laughed to myself; it's the simple things. As I drove on into the moon lit highway, I came across a fork in the road. I then closed my eyes and picked one. The left.
******
"Hey! Hey NNY!", someone was talking to me again.
"Fuck, who is it this time? Mr. F? Psycho D-Boy? Nail Bunny? Burger Boy? A fucking sock puppet?!" I yelled in frustration.
"Nope, just me." I looked at my dashboard. It was a bobby-headed monkey with a fez.
"Oh, jeez, now a fez-monkey is talking to me?"
"Technically, you're talking to yourself, buddy." It replied.
"What do you want fez-monkey?", I asked, slightly annoyed at the social interaction forced upon me by the wobbly-head thing.
"Well, you've obviously gone off the deep end. I mean you *are* searching for yourself. How cliche can you get?"
"I knew buying you was a bad idea."
"Buy? You killed the guy who had me because he said you looked wacky."
"Don't *ever* say that word!"
"Woah buddy, calm down there, I'm just here because subconsciously you need some companionship. Well, here I *am*!"
"Great, just fucking great, I'm really getting desperate aren't I?"
"Hell, you should see your subconscious, there's so much shit back there, you wouldn't believe it!"
"Like what?", I asked curiously.
"I don't know, the remnants of Nail Bunny, that Burger guy is there too, along with a lot of memories."
"What *kind* of memories?", my interest was peaked.
"How the hell should I know? I know as much as you do! I'm *you* remember!"
"Stupid imaginary friend."
"Well, it's gonna be a long trip, let's sing Hakuna Matata!"
"Suddenly suicide doesn't seem that bad anymore."
******
The car's headlights the only form of illumination on the road, my car stumbled along with a fez-monkey singing songs from the Lion King at 3 o'clock in the morning. I banged my head on the window.
"Shut up! I can't *take it* anymore!!"
~Can you feel the loooove tonight? *Tonight*~
"Are you trying to teach me to suppress my emotions or something, because it ain't fucking working! I just want to rip off your stupid little wobbly monkey fez-head!!"
"Well. No need to be snippy."
"Rrrrrrrrrrrrrr."
"Ok, ok. 20 questions?"
"No!"
"I spy with my little eye?"
"No!!"
"How about the license plate game, huh?"
"No!!!"
"Damn, your no fun."
"What the fuck am I doing?"
"Talking to a plastic monkey, obviously."
"No! Besides that. Where am I going?"
"To find something, I guess. Sanity perhaps?"
"Sanity, HA! I can never find sanity, without finding what I've lost, when I find the missing piece I can be fixed, then I can be sane. Until then I'm coo coo for coco puffs."
"Was that an analogy or a metaphor?"
"Shut up."
"All I'm saying is that maybe sanity isn't that far from your grasp as you might think. Maybe, just maybe, it's been in your reach all this time; you've just been in such denial and self-loathing that all you can see is the darkness within."
"You're pretty articulate for a monkey."
"*Your* pretty articulate foe a homicidal maniac."
"You know, your a lot more, um, cheerful then the others. I mean Nail Bunny was nice and all, but your cheery. It's very disturbing."
"Yeah, it freaks me out too. On another topic: Why don't you pull over? Get some sleep?"
"Sleep?! Are you mad?! Sleep is disturbing in unto itself. It lures you into a false sense of security, leaves you open to the insanity that's already eating me alive!"
"Touché."
"I'm getting antsy. I need to kill someone."
"Just a random victim, huh?"
"*Everyone* is a victim! There *are* no *innocents*! *Only* victims! If I kill some random person, it wouldn't matter, odds are he or she has done something horrible themselves and deserves the fate I give them! Either that or maybe I'm relieving them of their tortured existence or maybe I'm just relieving *the world* of their wretched existence!"
"Have you no faith in human goodness?"
"Goodness? Bah! A mere facade! Most people are evil, with evil intentions, whether they act on them or not makes no difference. Evil is evil. And trust me, evil knows evil, fez-monkey."
"What about Squee, Johnny C.? What about your precious Devi?"
"Squee? The poor little kid is already on the verge of insanity! If it wasn't for that asshole bear of his, he'd be *just like me*.
"And Devi?"
"Devi...Devi is perfect, she could never be evil, ever."
"So, you get my point?"
"Only one person out of the millions upon millions of people in the world and the hundreds I've killed."
"Hey look!", Fez-Monkey looks out the window, abruptly changing the subject, "A Taco Smell! You must be hungry by now!"
"I don't know, last time I was in a Taco Smell it involved a certain word and a spork.", I said hesitantly.
"Come on!"
"Fine, fine, then we get back on the road, and if I gut someone like a fish it's all your fault!"
"Whatever."
I then picked up the plastic simian and went inside. A rush of air hit my face with the smell of meat paste and stale nachos right behind it. A small group of people were eating in the place. Three drunk guys, one young woman, a guy with shifty eyes, and me. I immediately didn't like the drunk guys, they smelled bad. I took a wad of cash out of my pocket and put it on the counter.
"Surprise me.", I said with a wild grin.
The Taco Smell slave boy, looking suspicious, took the money as I went to sit down. I placed Fez-Monkey on the table and looked into his soulless black dot eyes.
"This place smells like feet.", He commented.
"Hey, *you're* the one who wanted to stop here!", I said a little too loudly.
The girl turned around and looked at me for a second and hurriedly turned around. She was a little scared, I could tell. I smiled to myself evilly.
"You gonna kill her?", FM asked.
"No, she hasn't done anything to me."
"Hey! Here's your food!", the Taco Smell slave called to me.
I got my food and quickly sat down. I poked the burrito.
"I think it moved.", I said.
My burrito then crawled a little.
"Fuck it *did* move! AAAH!", I screamed and hid under my table. "It's alive, aliiiiiiiiiive!!", I yelled in terror.
"What the fuck are you talking about.", It was one of the drunk guys. "Stop fuggin screememin", he slurred as he spoke. He reeked of beer and pee.
"But it's alive I tell you!", I yelled and grabbed him by the collar of his shirt. "Don't you see it?! It *KNOWS*!! It *wants* me!!" I squeezed the guy's head and shook it. "Take *him*, he smeeeeeeeeellllsss!!!", The burrito must be stopped. I then shoved the drunk guy's head into the burrito. I picked up the burrito and shoved it in his throat, he began to choke. His buddies stopped laughing and came over to me, still frantic and flailed my arms in the air. "I have subdued the burrito!", I yelled triumphantly.
"What the fuck?! You killed him!", one of his drunk buddies came over to me. "You son-of-a-bitch!!"
He swung and punched me in the face, very very hard. I went flying and slammed into the glass window. It didn't break. He came over to me and punched me in the face some more with his big sweaty meaty fist.
It hurt. But pain doesn't matter. Pain goes away, it's just a perception of time. Pain is there and then it is gone, it is a mere annoyance that I must endure until it is gone, my whole life has been pain, I should know.
I lay motionless on the floor, lying in a pool of my own blood, my face a crimson mask of my own body liquid. Yuck is the only word I can think of. I hate blood.
The drunken apes leave the Taco Smell, with their dead buddy. Mumbling and stumbling their way to their car. I struggle to get up as my head throbs and blood pours from my face. I cough and sputter as I drag myself to my table. Fez-Monkey is lying on the ground; I pick up the little guy and place him on the table. Everyone is staring at me, wide-eyed and disgusted. I hear the sound of someone barfing behind the counter.
"What?", I say with a sound of nonchalance.
"What the fuck was *that* all about?!", asked FM.
"I didn't like what that Taco slave gave me. It was an assmeat burrito."
"And what about the drunk guy?!"
"Well, I wanted to kill two birds with one stone, der.", I still don't see how he didn't get that. My blood dripped onto the table, I was a little dizzy, and I was a little weak, I'm guessing from the blood loss.
"Are you all right?", FM asked, worry in his voice.
"How should *I* know. What do I look like? A doctor?"
The sounds of screeching tires came from outside just as a large pickup truck smashed through the front of the Taco Smell. The drunk guys were yelling and cursing as they tried to run me over. God, that was annoying.
I struggled to get to my feet and dove onto the back of the truck, I then punched through the back window and grabbed the drunks by their collars. The car then drove outside and smashed into a tree. The two guys were unconscious as I dragged them from the car. I then started the pickup again and ran over their heads, which popped like pimples on the Taco Slave's face. The other people then came out and cheered and clapped, as I stood proud. Oh, shut up! It *could* have happened that way!
Actually, when I struggled to get up, I jumped up into the back of the pickup and passed out with Fez-Monkey in my hand, all that other stuff was a dream I had. Huh. I had a dream. Fascinating.
********
When I woke up I was on the side of the road. It kind of looked like a desert. I had no idea where I was, neither did FM.
"Where are we?", I asked FM
"No idea.", See what I mean?
We began walking down the road, I was thirsty and all the dried blood on my face made my face itch a little.
"So The way *I* see it, hitchhiking is the best way to get out of this situation." I suggested to FM.
"Well, people usually don't pick up hitchhikers because they're usually crazy."
"Huh, I think that'd work to our *disadvantage*."
It was at least 2 hours later, hitchhiking was working ok, we hadn't been picked up, maybe it was because of my sign: *Probably won't kill you*. The dried blood was flaking on my skin, that might have been part of the problem too.
"Why don't you change the sign to *won't* kill you? Maybe we'll get a ride!" Yelled FM.
"I'm not going to *lie* to the people, I want to be honest, they have a 50/50 chance of surviving after they pick me up.", I rationalized.
Surprisingly enough, just then, like in a bad TV show, a car pulled up. In there sat a fat bald guy with pilot glasses.
"Hey, need a ride thomewhere?", he said with a lisp.
"Yeah, thanks, don't worry you have a 50/50 chance of surviving this encounter." I said with a wide smile.
"Whatever, heheheh.", he chuckled and sweated.
We then began driving and driving until it felt like hours. Suddenly, the guy pulled down an old dirt road.
"Where are we going?", I asked curiously.
"Well I don't get much vithitorth, tho I would like you to meet my family. They're *really* nithe. I pormithe.", He smiled showing yellow teeth, bad smells flew out of his mouth and attacked my nostrils, I gagged a little.
"I really don't want to meet your *family*, really, I've met enough people in my life.", I wiped some of the dry blood off my face.
"They're gonna love you.", his smile disturbed me, which is a very hard thing to do.
"I don't like where this is going." Fez-Monkey chimed in as the car pulled into a driveway.
(Also, the dialogue kind of goes back and forth, I doubt there will be any confusion, have a nice day.)
The stars look beautiful tonight. As I lay down on the hood of my beat up p.o.s. I look up into the night's sky. I then pick myself up and stare down at the town I liked to call home. Things had changed; things had changed a lot for me. I saw things differently and I realized what needed to be done with the monstrosity that is me. My life had been a meaningless, disturbing mess and I wasn't even sure why. How had I become this disturbed person, a person who had committed unspeakable horrors? That day I had decided to leave my town. I tried to apologize to my dear Devi, and said my farewells to the little Squee. I had to leave; I was so messed up with emotions. Disgusting human needing, wanting, feeling, emotional humanity. It revolts me in a way that nothing I have ever done *has*. I don't know where I'm going, or what I'm supposed to find, but all I know is that the next time I visit this ledge I will be emotionless. Hopefully. I looked down on the town, at its people, scurrying like little insect that needed to be exterminated. Parasites, a cancer on this Earth. I feel something wet on my cheek, a tear. I wipe it off angrily and slam my fist onto the hood.
"Fucking emotions!", I scream out into the night.
I pick myself up and get into my car. I didn't know what I was doing anymore. What had happened to my cause? When did I get so clouded as to let that thing behind my wall get into my brain? When did I become so blind as to not see the Doughboys begin to move? When did I become so fucking melodramatic? A car behind me was honking his horn, that was annoying. I slammed on my breaks. The guy behind me swerved into the middle of the street and was promptly hit by a truck. I laughed to myself; it's the simple things. As I drove on into the moon lit highway, I came across a fork in the road. I then closed my eyes and picked one. The left.
******
"Hey! Hey NNY!", someone was talking to me again.
"Fuck, who is it this time? Mr. F? Psycho D-Boy? Nail Bunny? Burger Boy? A fucking sock puppet?!" I yelled in frustration.
"Nope, just me." I looked at my dashboard. It was a bobby-headed monkey with a fez.
"Oh, jeez, now a fez-monkey is talking to me?"
"Technically, you're talking to yourself, buddy." It replied.
"What do you want fez-monkey?", I asked, slightly annoyed at the social interaction forced upon me by the wobbly-head thing.
"Well, you've obviously gone off the deep end. I mean you *are* searching for yourself. How cliche can you get?"
"I knew buying you was a bad idea."
"Buy? You killed the guy who had me because he said you looked wacky."
"Don't *ever* say that word!"
"Woah buddy, calm down there, I'm just here because subconsciously you need some companionship. Well, here I *am*!"
"Great, just fucking great, I'm really getting desperate aren't I?"
"Hell, you should see your subconscious, there's so much shit back there, you wouldn't believe it!"
"Like what?", I asked curiously.
"I don't know, the remnants of Nail Bunny, that Burger guy is there too, along with a lot of memories."
"What *kind* of memories?", my interest was peaked.
"How the hell should I know? I know as much as you do! I'm *you* remember!"
"Stupid imaginary friend."
"Well, it's gonna be a long trip, let's sing Hakuna Matata!"
"Suddenly suicide doesn't seem that bad anymore."
******
The car's headlights the only form of illumination on the road, my car stumbled along with a fez-monkey singing songs from the Lion King at 3 o'clock in the morning. I banged my head on the window.
"Shut up! I can't *take it* anymore!!"
~Can you feel the loooove tonight? *Tonight*~
"Are you trying to teach me to suppress my emotions or something, because it ain't fucking working! I just want to rip off your stupid little wobbly monkey fez-head!!"
"Well. No need to be snippy."
"Rrrrrrrrrrrrrr."
"Ok, ok. 20 questions?"
"No!"
"I spy with my little eye?"
"No!!"
"How about the license plate game, huh?"
"No!!!"
"Damn, your no fun."
"What the fuck am I doing?"
"Talking to a plastic monkey, obviously."
"No! Besides that. Where am I going?"
"To find something, I guess. Sanity perhaps?"
"Sanity, HA! I can never find sanity, without finding what I've lost, when I find the missing piece I can be fixed, then I can be sane. Until then I'm coo coo for coco puffs."
"Was that an analogy or a metaphor?"
"Shut up."
"All I'm saying is that maybe sanity isn't that far from your grasp as you might think. Maybe, just maybe, it's been in your reach all this time; you've just been in such denial and self-loathing that all you can see is the darkness within."
"You're pretty articulate for a monkey."
"*Your* pretty articulate foe a homicidal maniac."
"You know, your a lot more, um, cheerful then the others. I mean Nail Bunny was nice and all, but your cheery. It's very disturbing."
"Yeah, it freaks me out too. On another topic: Why don't you pull over? Get some sleep?"
"Sleep?! Are you mad?! Sleep is disturbing in unto itself. It lures you into a false sense of security, leaves you open to the insanity that's already eating me alive!"
"Touché."
"I'm getting antsy. I need to kill someone."
"Just a random victim, huh?"
"*Everyone* is a victim! There *are* no *innocents*! *Only* victims! If I kill some random person, it wouldn't matter, odds are he or she has done something horrible themselves and deserves the fate I give them! Either that or maybe I'm relieving them of their tortured existence or maybe I'm just relieving *the world* of their wretched existence!"
"Have you no faith in human goodness?"
"Goodness? Bah! A mere facade! Most people are evil, with evil intentions, whether they act on them or not makes no difference. Evil is evil. And trust me, evil knows evil, fez-monkey."
"What about Squee, Johnny C.? What about your precious Devi?"
"Squee? The poor little kid is already on the verge of insanity! If it wasn't for that asshole bear of his, he'd be *just like me*.
"And Devi?"
"Devi...Devi is perfect, she could never be evil, ever."
"So, you get my point?"
"Only one person out of the millions upon millions of people in the world and the hundreds I've killed."
"Hey look!", Fez-Monkey looks out the window, abruptly changing the subject, "A Taco Smell! You must be hungry by now!"
"I don't know, last time I was in a Taco Smell it involved a certain word and a spork.", I said hesitantly.
"Come on!"
"Fine, fine, then we get back on the road, and if I gut someone like a fish it's all your fault!"
"Whatever."
I then picked up the plastic simian and went inside. A rush of air hit my face with the smell of meat paste and stale nachos right behind it. A small group of people were eating in the place. Three drunk guys, one young woman, a guy with shifty eyes, and me. I immediately didn't like the drunk guys, they smelled bad. I took a wad of cash out of my pocket and put it on the counter.
"Surprise me.", I said with a wild grin.
The Taco Smell slave boy, looking suspicious, took the money as I went to sit down. I placed Fez-Monkey on the table and looked into his soulless black dot eyes.
"This place smells like feet.", He commented.
"Hey, *you're* the one who wanted to stop here!", I said a little too loudly.
The girl turned around and looked at me for a second and hurriedly turned around. She was a little scared, I could tell. I smiled to myself evilly.
"You gonna kill her?", FM asked.
"No, she hasn't done anything to me."
"Hey! Here's your food!", the Taco Smell slave called to me.
I got my food and quickly sat down. I poked the burrito.
"I think it moved.", I said.
My burrito then crawled a little.
"Fuck it *did* move! AAAH!", I screamed and hid under my table. "It's alive, aliiiiiiiiiive!!", I yelled in terror.
"What the fuck are you talking about.", It was one of the drunk guys. "Stop fuggin screememin", he slurred as he spoke. He reeked of beer and pee.
"But it's alive I tell you!", I yelled and grabbed him by the collar of his shirt. "Don't you see it?! It *KNOWS*!! It *wants* me!!" I squeezed the guy's head and shook it. "Take *him*, he smeeeeeeeeellllsss!!!", The burrito must be stopped. I then shoved the drunk guy's head into the burrito. I picked up the burrito and shoved it in his throat, he began to choke. His buddies stopped laughing and came over to me, still frantic and flailed my arms in the air. "I have subdued the burrito!", I yelled triumphantly.
"What the fuck?! You killed him!", one of his drunk buddies came over to me. "You son-of-a-bitch!!"
He swung and punched me in the face, very very hard. I went flying and slammed into the glass window. It didn't break. He came over to me and punched me in the face some more with his big sweaty meaty fist.
It hurt. But pain doesn't matter. Pain goes away, it's just a perception of time. Pain is there and then it is gone, it is a mere annoyance that I must endure until it is gone, my whole life has been pain, I should know.
I lay motionless on the floor, lying in a pool of my own blood, my face a crimson mask of my own body liquid. Yuck is the only word I can think of. I hate blood.
The drunken apes leave the Taco Smell, with their dead buddy. Mumbling and stumbling their way to their car. I struggle to get up as my head throbs and blood pours from my face. I cough and sputter as I drag myself to my table. Fez-Monkey is lying on the ground; I pick up the little guy and place him on the table. Everyone is staring at me, wide-eyed and disgusted. I hear the sound of someone barfing behind the counter.
"What?", I say with a sound of nonchalance.
"What the fuck was *that* all about?!", asked FM.
"I didn't like what that Taco slave gave me. It was an assmeat burrito."
"And what about the drunk guy?!"
"Well, I wanted to kill two birds with one stone, der.", I still don't see how he didn't get that. My blood dripped onto the table, I was a little dizzy, and I was a little weak, I'm guessing from the blood loss.
"Are you all right?", FM asked, worry in his voice.
"How should *I* know. What do I look like? A doctor?"
The sounds of screeching tires came from outside just as a large pickup truck smashed through the front of the Taco Smell. The drunk guys were yelling and cursing as they tried to run me over. God, that was annoying.
I struggled to get to my feet and dove onto the back of the truck, I then punched through the back window and grabbed the drunks by their collars. The car then drove outside and smashed into a tree. The two guys were unconscious as I dragged them from the car. I then started the pickup again and ran over their heads, which popped like pimples on the Taco Slave's face. The other people then came out and cheered and clapped, as I stood proud. Oh, shut up! It *could* have happened that way!
Actually, when I struggled to get up, I jumped up into the back of the pickup and passed out with Fez-Monkey in my hand, all that other stuff was a dream I had. Huh. I had a dream. Fascinating.
********
When I woke up I was on the side of the road. It kind of looked like a desert. I had no idea where I was, neither did FM.
"Where are we?", I asked FM
"No idea.", See what I mean?
We began walking down the road, I was thirsty and all the dried blood on my face made my face itch a little.
"So The way *I* see it, hitchhiking is the best way to get out of this situation." I suggested to FM.
"Well, people usually don't pick up hitchhikers because they're usually crazy."
"Huh, I think that'd work to our *disadvantage*."
It was at least 2 hours later, hitchhiking was working ok, we hadn't been picked up, maybe it was because of my sign: *Probably won't kill you*. The dried blood was flaking on my skin, that might have been part of the problem too.
"Why don't you change the sign to *won't* kill you? Maybe we'll get a ride!" Yelled FM.
"I'm not going to *lie* to the people, I want to be honest, they have a 50/50 chance of surviving after they pick me up.", I rationalized.
Surprisingly enough, just then, like in a bad TV show, a car pulled up. In there sat a fat bald guy with pilot glasses.
"Hey, need a ride thomewhere?", he said with a lisp.
"Yeah, thanks, don't worry you have a 50/50 chance of surviving this encounter." I said with a wide smile.
"Whatever, heheheh.", he chuckled and sweated.
We then began driving and driving until it felt like hours. Suddenly, the guy pulled down an old dirt road.
"Where are we going?", I asked curiously.
"Well I don't get much vithitorth, tho I would like you to meet my family. They're *really* nithe. I pormithe.", He smiled showing yellow teeth, bad smells flew out of his mouth and attacked my nostrils, I gagged a little.
"I really don't want to meet your *family*, really, I've met enough people in my life.", I wiped some of the dry blood off my face.
"They're gonna love you.", his smile disturbed me, which is a very hard thing to do.
"I don't like where this is going." Fez-Monkey chimed in as the car pulled into a driveway.