"Why? What's not to like? The creepy hillbilly shack-house? The rats and the smell of death? Or the dead-eyed child of the obviously fat pervert that brought us here? Lighten up would you?", I said quietly to FM. He's so uptight. Fez gave a sigh as I picked him off the dashboard.
"Tho, thith ith my beautiful wife Thithy and my...thupple...thon Q-bert. Mouth watering aren't they?", his smile grew wide again, a tooth fell from his mouth. No one seemed to notice.
"Ok I've seen your family can I go now?", I was getting a little annoyed, I wasn't sane yet, so I obviously needed to keep going.
"No, you mutht come inthide..."
"Uh, whatever.", I just wanted this to be over with already.
"Nny, don't go in! *I* don't want to go in!", FM begged.
"Fine, fine, you can stay out here, man, I hope *I'm* not that whiney." So I went inside, but just as I stepped inside of the rickety old house, the pervert guy's wife, Thithy or whatever slammed the door behind me.
"Hey, whatcha doin?", I asked, a little puzzled, I hope their not gonna try to kill me.
"You foolish little boy! Now you're in my home and there ith no ethcape!", he yelled at me.
"Man, you don't waste any time do you? Just get 'em in and chop 'em up, huh?", I was a tad disappointed in the guy.
"What?", a little confused
"I mean there was no suspense, no waiting. You didn't set me up. There wasn't even any fancy gizmo to lock me into a chair or something. I mean I have hundreds of fancy gizmos for doing this kind of thing, though I don't usually try to lure anyone into my house, I usually drag them there kicking and screaming...literally.", I was babbling a little, I confess, but this guy really didn't know what he was doing.
"I don't underthtand. It'th worked before. I've killed over 20 people in thith houthe.", he stammered a bit, he was almost ashamed of himself.
"*Only 20?!* Man, I've brutally killed, maimed, and tortured *hundreds*!! Amateur. But, it's ok, really it is, I mean I was scared a little when your tooth fell out, and when you showed me your family."
"What'th wrong with my family?"
"Well, your wife is either dead or in a coma...look!", I then poked her gently, she immediately fell to the floor and appeared to have stopped breathing. "See what I mean? And your son...did you fuck him so hard his brain was punctured?"
"Well I didn't mean to, it'th jutht...hey!", he clearly wasn't the sharpest crayon in the box.
"What *I* usually do is this, allow me demonstrate..." I then grabbed his son by the neck and slammed his head onto the table. Blood poured form his nose and the side of the table cracked a little from the impact. "Now...oh, wait, you don't mind me using this kid, do you?"
"Not at all."
"Good, then I would take him over here...", I took the unconscious zombie-boy over the junk draw. There I found some copper wire. I wrapped the wire around his wrists and moved towards an electrical socket in the wall. "Then, guess what? Yes! That's right! I put the wire into the sockets! And enjoy the fun!" The kid's eyes sprang open as he writhed and screamed, blood came from his ears, he jumped and then died. "The end. See?"
"I get it know, wow, that wath pretty good. I wath jutht gonna thtab you and eat your thkin."
"Eat my skin? Eeeeeew."
"It'th an acquired tathte."
"Well, I'm sorry, but I can't let you use this knowledge on anyone."
"What, but..."
"Well, I mean there are enough monsters in the world, including me, and your just bad at it, I mean be a pop-star if you want to be a sick-o, for God's sake. I just can't let an evil monstrosity like you live. Sorry." He then charged at me, I just moved out of the way. I found a knife and jammed it into him, just below his heaving gut. I gutted him and sat down. I was tired. At least I did something helpful. I went over to the sink and washed the blood from my hands and the old dried blood from my face. I picked up a piece of toast and went outside.
"What happened to the fat guy and his family?", asked Fez-Monkey.
"I did my good deed for the month." I smiled and picked up Fez-Monkey.
"You know, for a guy who's trying to become sane or a robot or insect or whatever, you sure are crazy."
"I know, isn't life just a game of crazy eights?" I hopped into the dead pervert's car and threw FM onto the passenger seat. Now, back to going nowhere.
"Tho, thith ith my beautiful wife Thithy and my...thupple...thon Q-bert. Mouth watering aren't they?", his smile grew wide again, a tooth fell from his mouth. No one seemed to notice.
"Ok I've seen your family can I go now?", I was getting a little annoyed, I wasn't sane yet, so I obviously needed to keep going.
"No, you mutht come inthide..."
"Uh, whatever.", I just wanted this to be over with already.
"Nny, don't go in! *I* don't want to go in!", FM begged.
"Fine, fine, you can stay out here, man, I hope *I'm* not that whiney." So I went inside, but just as I stepped inside of the rickety old house, the pervert guy's wife, Thithy or whatever slammed the door behind me.
"Hey, whatcha doin?", I asked, a little puzzled, I hope their not gonna try to kill me.
"You foolish little boy! Now you're in my home and there ith no ethcape!", he yelled at me.
"Man, you don't waste any time do you? Just get 'em in and chop 'em up, huh?", I was a tad disappointed in the guy.
"What?", a little confused
"I mean there was no suspense, no waiting. You didn't set me up. There wasn't even any fancy gizmo to lock me into a chair or something. I mean I have hundreds of fancy gizmos for doing this kind of thing, though I don't usually try to lure anyone into my house, I usually drag them there kicking and screaming...literally.", I was babbling a little, I confess, but this guy really didn't know what he was doing.
"I don't underthtand. It'th worked before. I've killed over 20 people in thith houthe.", he stammered a bit, he was almost ashamed of himself.
"*Only 20?!* Man, I've brutally killed, maimed, and tortured *hundreds*!! Amateur. But, it's ok, really it is, I mean I was scared a little when your tooth fell out, and when you showed me your family."
"What'th wrong with my family?"
"Well, your wife is either dead or in a coma...look!", I then poked her gently, she immediately fell to the floor and appeared to have stopped breathing. "See what I mean? And your son...did you fuck him so hard his brain was punctured?"
"Well I didn't mean to, it'th jutht...hey!", he clearly wasn't the sharpest crayon in the box.
"What *I* usually do is this, allow me demonstrate..." I then grabbed his son by the neck and slammed his head onto the table. Blood poured form his nose and the side of the table cracked a little from the impact. "Now...oh, wait, you don't mind me using this kid, do you?"
"Not at all."
"Good, then I would take him over here...", I took the unconscious zombie-boy over the junk draw. There I found some copper wire. I wrapped the wire around his wrists and moved towards an electrical socket in the wall. "Then, guess what? Yes! That's right! I put the wire into the sockets! And enjoy the fun!" The kid's eyes sprang open as he writhed and screamed, blood came from his ears, he jumped and then died. "The end. See?"
"I get it know, wow, that wath pretty good. I wath jutht gonna thtab you and eat your thkin."
"Eat my skin? Eeeeeew."
"It'th an acquired tathte."
"Well, I'm sorry, but I can't let you use this knowledge on anyone."
"What, but..."
"Well, I mean there are enough monsters in the world, including me, and your just bad at it, I mean be a pop-star if you want to be a sick-o, for God's sake. I just can't let an evil monstrosity like you live. Sorry." He then charged at me, I just moved out of the way. I found a knife and jammed it into him, just below his heaving gut. I gutted him and sat down. I was tired. At least I did something helpful. I went over to the sink and washed the blood from my hands and the old dried blood from my face. I picked up a piece of toast and went outside.
"What happened to the fat guy and his family?", asked Fez-Monkey.
"I did my good deed for the month." I smiled and picked up Fez-Monkey.
"You know, for a guy who's trying to become sane or a robot or insect or whatever, you sure are crazy."
"I know, isn't life just a game of crazy eights?" I hopped into the dead pervert's car and threw FM onto the passenger seat. Now, back to going nowhere.