DISCLAIMER: I don't own gundam wing or any of its characters. I don't even own my car so don't sue me*_*
Raining In My Head
By: Lara Winner
Song: Staind
Your face is so unclear
Walking aimlessly Duo huddled deeper into his jacket seeking protection against the cold midnight breeze. He ignored his surroundings, his thoughts going round in circles as he tried to make sense of the position he now found himself in. He was leaving again. In less than twelve hours he would be on shuttle heading for earth. His chances of returning, slim to none.
His jaw set as a distorted image of Hilde's face flashed in his mind again for the hundredth time. She didn't want him to go. No surprise there. He had put off telling her for as long as possible, he had even entertained the idea of leaving without saying goodbye but he couldn't do that. As much as he didn't want to see her cry he couldn't leave her like that.
I try to pay attention
Your words just disappear
But it would've been so much easier if he hadn't heard her pleas. It would hurt so much less if he could ignore the words she'd yelled at him only hours before. It hadn't been easy to see her give up her apathetic façade and brake down like she did. But he had expected it and he had wanted to avoid it.
He couldn't help but smile bitterly as he tried to recall all the things she said. Yet the more he tried the more jumbled his thoughts became. She had said so much. She had called him down and told him exactly how little she respected him. She had even gone as far as to say she didn't want him to come back. He couldn't recall her words precisely. He had been too busy fighting the sinking, crushing feeling that seemed to drown out everything, even her pain filled voice.
Cuz it's always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said
He was numb, a feeling he was entirely too familiar with. It had nothing to do with the cold or even the icy drops of rain that were just now beginning to fall from the night sky. This went so much deeper then lack of physical feeling. It was almost suffocating, the way he was able to detach himself from his emotions and lock himself up in the recesses of his mind. But it was his only shield. It was the only way he knew how to deal with the inevitable.
He had known it would end this way. He should have had the guts to tell her from the beginning that he could never give her the kind of life she deserved. But he had wanted to prove his fears wrong so badly. And he tried to the best of his ability but it wasn't enough. When it came to her it was never enough.
So I speak to you in riddles
Cuz my words get in my way
He didn't expect her to understand. Maybe that was the problem. How would he ever know if he never gave her the chance? Maybe if he would just let himself depend on her a little more……
It seemed so easy when he was able to think like this. Away from her and the emotions she aroused he was able to see his faults and shortcomings. Without his anger and fear driving him he was able to see how easily he had her confused. He would get so close to letting her in. He would be a split second away from letting down all his walls and giving her a glimpse of everything that was bottled inside and, as always, he would panic.
He couldn't blame her for hating him. He could even see where she might believe he was just playing with her. It would seem that way to her. How else could she explain the way he seemed to honestly care one moment only to say or do something completely heartless the next. How else could she explain the way he still couldn't bring himself to say I love you?
Smoke the whole thing to my head
And feel it wash away
With a sigh he tried to clear his mind in vain. Slowly, around the edges of his consciousness he could feel the tension just building up in his body. For the first time in a long time he was scared. To admit it to himself was one thing but to see the way he let it control his life was another. If he had balls he would go back to the house and tell her he was sorry. He would beg her to wait for him and maybe he'd even say the three little words that were constantly on the tip of his tongue.
But reality was always there just waiting to intrude. Maybe if he were high he'd have the guts to tell her everything. At the thought he shoved his hands deeper in his pockets knowing that would really be the end of them if he showed up on her doorstep stoned blabbering words of endless devotion. God, he couldn't be any more insulting if he tried.
Cuz I can't take anymore of this
I want to come apart
A dry chuckle escaped his lips as he realized that he was still thinking he had a chance. Hadn't she made it clear? They were over. She didn't want him back. But what about what he wanted? Did it ever occur to her that maybe he didn't want to loose her? Did she really think that their relationship was based only on sex? He grimaced already knowing the answer. What else was she supposed to think?
Dragging in a deep breath he ignored the way the cold air needled his lungs. Feeling the suspicious pressure of tears rising behind his eyes he quickened his pace trying to focus on the echoing sound of his footsteps on the wet concrete. He was at the breaking point. There was no where else for him to turn now. Hilde had been his anchor for so long….
And dig myself a little hole
Inside your precious heart
He needed her. Despite her contrary beliefs and his own fears and inadequacies he needed her. But she wouldn't believe anything he could say at this point. She had opened her heart to him and he turned it down. He didn't deserve another chance. He didn't deserve her affections, her selflessness or her love.
Funny how he always managed to destroy the very things that kept him going. It was almost like he couldn't live with out having everything fall apart around him. Maybe he was so used to it now it was the only way felt he could survive. It was a fucked up conclusion but it made sense. Why else would he break her heart when doing so only served to break his too?
Cuz it's always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said
Shivering, Duo glanced up at the sky watching the brilliant streaks of lightning play chase across the velvety backdrop of invisible clouds. He was soaked, chilled to the bone, yet he couldn't seem to turn back toward the house. She probably had his things thrown out all over the front yard. And even if she had calmed down some, he still wasn't sure he could handle seeing her. If he saw her now he knew he'd end up making things worse. The last thing she wanted was for him to come home pleading for another chance. Besides, things couldn't be resolved before he left her, yet again, for another mission.
I am nothing more than
A little boy inside
Deep down in his heart he knew the call of battle would always win out over his desire for a quiet relatively normal life. It was one of the many things she found immature about him. She didn't understand why death and destruction held such a fascination with him. She accused him of not caring because he couldn't keep his promise, because he was leaving her again despite swearing to her that he wouldn't.
It was so complicated to explain. He didn't like fighting anymore than she did. He wasn't leaving her because he wanted to. But the battlefield was the only place he could be in complete control. There was a freedom in knowing that his enemies were at his mercy. It was the thrilling to know he could die at any second. It was a release of sorts because on the battlefield there's no room for vulnerability or compassion. He wasn't hindered by his fears. He wasn't out of his element. He was in total control.
Who cries out for attention
Yet I always try to hide
But to be a soldier was a lonely existence. It left no room for things like friends and love. He wouldn't try to deny that sometimes he wished he would die in battle. It would solve so many problems. It would take away the pain, the hurt, and the guilt of knowing that no matter how much he craved the simple things it wasn't in his nature to possess them.
This was the last time he was going to put Hilde in the middle. It wasn't fair for him to use her any longer. He had to admit, it was comforting to know that she was always there when he felt like having her near. But he was a fool if he expected her to always be there. She was a strong person. She didn't need to bother herself with his mixed up emotions.
Cuz I talk to you like children
Though I don't know how I feel
"Fuck!"
He hissed the word not even realizing he spoke aloud. Why did it have to be this hard? Why couldn't he show her how he felt? Did he even know what he felt anymore?
Once upon a time he wouldn't have thought twice about leaving her or anyone else for that matter. There wouldn't have been a thing to think about other than himself. But this wasn't just about him anymore. Despite his actions he was trying to spare her. In his own way he was trying to show that she was better off without him. He sighed sadly as he realized that he wasn't sure what he was doing. He wanted her to be there yet he wasn't planning on coming back. This damn childish indecision would be the death of him.
And I know I'll do the right thing
If the right thing is revealed
What would be the right thing to do? Should he say fuck the mission and stay or should he run with his tail between his legs seeking the blood and carnage that was always haunting him in his dreams?
With no answer he sighed finally realizing that he was rounding the block to their little house. He was cold and tired. His thoughts were at a stalemate so the only thing left to do was collect his belongings and leave. It wasn't fair but at least that was a concept he couldn't argue with.
Slowly he walked toward the house not surprised to see the living room light shinning brightly through the window. He paused for a moment as he watched her shadow moving about. Swallowing the lump that seemed to lodge itself in his throat he began to walk cautiously to the door.
She must have heard the wooden boards of the porch creek or the faint sound of his footsteps because just as he reached for the door it jerked open revealing her anxious face. He wasn't quite sure what to say so instead he stood awkwardly with one hand in his pocket and the other resting limply at his side. He couldn't look her in the eye, he was afraid of he might see. Hanging his head miserably he waited for her to say something. The only response he received was her hand gripping his wrist to tug him inside.
But it's always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said
Comforting warmth blasted his frozen skin with sharp prickles as he stepped past her into the house. He said nothing as he eyed his packed duffel bag propped against the sofa ready and waiting. He ignored the odd little ache that seemed to make his breath catch as he floundered for some way to apologize and say goodbye with out making a complete fool of himself.
Involuntarily he jumped as the slamming of the door seemed to echo in his head. Wanting to get it over with he turned to face her as he spoke quietly, "I guess this is it."
"I guess so." She whispered.
He looked away as he noticed the tears welling up in her eyes. Unable to help it he asked, "Will you still be here when I get back?"
"I'm not waiting for you." She choked blinking back the tears that wanted to fall. Despite the effort her voice still cracked as she said, "Grow up. Get your priorities straight and if I'm still here then…"
"Then what?" He asked needing to know. "I don't want us to en-"
"I think you should leave now." She replied softly, cutting him off as she wrapped her arms around her chest.
For the first time in his short life Duo gave up with out a fight. He didn't want to argue anymore. It was pointless when he knew she was right. Without a word he grabbed his duffel bag and headed toward the door. Purposely he refrained from saying goodbye. With a slight nod of his head walked out the door letting the numbness invade him once again. He didn't look back. There was no need to. Everything had already been said.
A.N.- This fic is a combination of a bad day at work and the confusing problems that seem to come along when dealing with men. Don't get me wrong, not all guys are trouble, but all the ones that I deal with seem to make me want to scream. This is not my best work but I had to vent. Anyway, this fic is sad and I'm sorry but there won't be a sequel. Maybe he grows up and maybe he doesn't. Leave it to your imagination. Thanks for reading!! Luy ya guys!!!!*_*