View Askew Junior
"Pilot"
AUTHOR'S NOTES
This is the pilot I wrote for a television show based on the View Askewniverse. It chronicles the adventures of the Askewniverse characters when they were in fourth grade. However, it takes place in a kind of alternate Askewniverse. Why? Because I don't know everything about the Askewniverse. I'm a big fan, and I did as much research as I could, but I'm likely going to get a lot of things wrong, which is why I just chose for it to take place in a kind of alternate Askewniverse.
A lot of words are censored because it is written for TV, and likewise they'd probably be bleeped out. If you're imagining how it would look on the screen as you're reading it, I wrote this thinking it might be animated, in the style of the Clerks Cartoon Series. There's not too many things that couldn't be done in live-action, but I had it in mind to be a cartoon. (Look at me, pretending like my little fanfiction like an actual pilot.)
Finally, all of the Askewniverse characters are property of Kevin Smith and View Askew Productions. Now on wit da show...
OPENER
EXT. QUICK STOP--NIGHT
[JAY & SILENT BOB are outside of the QUICK STOP, leaned in their usual positions. DANTE gets out of his mom's car.]
JAY: Hey, little boy, you want some of this f***ing s***?
DANTE: What is that? Sugar?
[JAY cracks up.]
JAY: Hey, Silent Bob, this little motherf***er thinks the pot is sugar.
DANTE: That's not a pot.
[RANDEL walks up to DANTE.]
RANDEL: Excuse me, stoner boy, but it seems like my man here has lived a very sheltered life. If you excuse me, I'll be taking him elsewhere.
JAY: Why, so you can lick his balls? Noinch!
[RANDEL & DANTE walk inside the QUICK STOP.]
RANDEL: Don't worry about those guys, they're idiots. How do you not know what pot is?
DANTE: I don't know, I don't get out much... the only reason I'm here is because my cousin came over and got stuff all over my window, so my mom's gotta' get something called a... jizz-mopper.
[RANDEL laughs.]
DANTE: Man, I hate this place. I'm not even supposed to be here today!
ACT ONE
EXT. LEONARDO ELEMENTARY SCHOOL--DAY
[DANTE gets out of his bus and sees RANDEL.]
DANTE: Hey, I remember you.
RANDEL: Yeah, Quick Stop kid.
DANTE: Don't call me that. I hate that f***ing place. It smells like feet.
RANDEL: So, what's your name?
DANTE: Dante Hicks.
RANDEL: I'm Randel. Remember this face, because one day, you're going to be seeing it on the space shuttle.
INT. ROCKET SHIP
[RANDEL is in a space suit, seen from the chest up. We hear a zipping sound and then a sound as if RANDEL is pissing.]
RANDEL: Ahhh...
[Sure enough, the urine comes up and floats around.]
RANDEL: Alright, space-pissing is fun!
EXT. LEONARDO ELEMENTARY SCHOOL--DAY
[RANDEL is still day dreaming.]
DANTE: Are you okay?
JAY: F***, he's not f***ing moving 'cause he's f***ing gay and he f***ing wants your co**.
[SILENT BOB motions to try and get JAY to come to class.]
JAY: God, Silent Bob, why do you f***ing want to get to class so f***ing bad? It's 'cause uh that f***ing Amy b**ch, ain't it?
[SILENT BOB nods reluctantly.]
JAY: Fine, we can f***ing go, but you better f***ing tell her to give me some f***ing he** after she's finished f***ing you.
[JAY & SILENT BOB exit.]
RANDEL: So, you new here?
DANTE: Yeah, my family moved here because I've got some family around here.
RANDEL: You guys're gonna' be sorry you ever came to New Jersey. Bunch of savages in this town.
INT. LEONARDO ELEMENTARY SCHOOL--DAY
[DANTE & RANDEL are walking through the halls.]
RANDEL: This school isn't too bad. There's some weird people you have to watch out for, but everyone's pretty cool.
[STEVE-DAVE bumps into RANDEL.]
STEVE-DAVE: Hey, watch we're you're going! I'm a level 84 magician!
RANDEL: And yet you'll still never get laid.
VOICE: I don't want to hear that kind of language from you boys.
[DANTE & RANDEL turn around to see CARDINAL GLICK.]
CARDINAL GLICK: Jesus would cry if he heard the way you were talking!
RANDEL: Well, if Jesus would cry over something a little fourth grader said, then I'm upset for his social life.
CARDINAL GLICK: Excuse me, young man?
JAY: Ha ha, the f***ing pointy hat f***er is f***in' gettin' the gay f***off in trouble an' s***. Snoogans.
CARDINAL GLICK: You have just about the foulest mouth I've ever heard!
JAY: And you have just about the smallest f***in' balls I ever seen.
RANDEL: Finally, saved by the pothead.
DANTE: Who's that guy?
RANDEL: The pothead or the old guy?
DANTE: Both of 'em.
RANDEL: Well, the old guy is Principal Glick. He's also the cardinal at the church. The other guy is Jay. He calls everyone gay, yet he's never seen without his friend Silent Bob. Oh, we better get to class...
INT. MRS. SCHWELBECHER'S CLASS--DAY
[DANTE & RANDEL sit down in two desks. DANTE looks behind him to see a kid drawing in pen over a comic book.]
DANTE: Why're you tracing?
[The kid looks up to reveal himself as BANKY.]
BANKY: I'm not tracing! I'm the inker for my friend's comic book!
DANTE: What's the comic about?
[HOLDEN, a kid sitting next to BANKY, turns towards DANTE.]
HOLDEN: It's called Clerks. It's about these two guys that work at a convenience store and a video store.
DANTE: Who would want to see something like that?
MRS. SCHWELBECHER: Alright, class, I'm going to call roll now. Caitlin Bree...
CAITLIN: Here.
[DANTE stares at CAITLIN. She walks back to him, and kisses him hard on the lips. RANDEL snaps in his face and wakes him up.]
MRS. SCHWELBECHER: Dante Hicks!
DANTE: Um... here.
MRS. SCHWELBECHER: Jay... Phat Buds?
[SILENT BOB walks in.]
MRS. SCHWELBECHER: Are you Jay Phat Buds?
[SILENT BOB points outside.]
MRS. SCHWELBECHER: There's a monster made of human excrements outside?
[SILENT BOB shakes his head, and points at JAY's name on the roll call list.]
MRS. SCHWELBECHER: The human excrement monster has eaten your friend, Jay?
[SILENT BOB shakes his head again. MRS. SCHWELBECHER goes to the door and looks outside.]
MRS. SCHWELBECHER: I see no such monster outside! You're going to the principal's office!
[SILENT BOB puts his head down and walks outside.]
MRS. SCHWELBECHER: Alright, class, we're now going to do a 500-word essay on what you did on your summer vacation. Of course, I mean we're as in you, and not me, as I'll be sitting her thinking of 85 synonyms for the male genitelia so I can win a bet. Go!
[DANTE writes a note and hands it to RANDEL.]
DANTE: Hey, give this to Caitlin!
RANDEL: Dude, I'm trying to write about what happened to my cousin Walter did over the summer.
[BANKY looks over to read RANDEL's paper.]
BANKY: Dude, that's sick!
DANTE: Just give this to Caitlin.
RANDEL: Fine.
[MRS. SCHWELBECHER looks at DANTE & RANDEL.]
MRS. SCHWELBECHER: Passing notes in class, are we? Well, I'll just take a look at this...
[MRS. SCHWELBECHER picks the note up.]
MRS. SCHWELBECHER: [Reading] Hey, my name's Dante, I think you're very pretty, will you go out with me... so, Mr. Hicks, you thought you could get away with sending fag letters to your friend over here?
DANTE: What?
MRS. SCHWELBECHER: It looks like you've seen too many Miramax movies! We don't allow you homos in our New Jersey schools!
[HOOPER X looks up from his paper.]
HOOPER X: Uh oh...
[HOOPER X runs away.]
MRS. SCHWELBECHER: [To DANTE] You're going to see the principal!
DANTE: Yes, m'am.
[DANTE exits.]
INT. MAIN OFFICE--DAY
[JAY & SILENT BOB are seated, waiting to go into the principal's office.]
JAY: Man, f*** this s***. Man, why can't you just get over this f***in' crush so we don't have to f***in' come to this f***in' hell hole?
[SILENT BOB shrugs.]
JAY: It's not like there ain't a hundred f***in' bitches lined up wantin' to f***in' suck your co**.
[DANTE walks in.]
JAY: Oh, well look at this little smartass motherf***er thinkin' he all f***in' cool and s***. What the f*** you in here for?
DANTE: I don't know. The teacher told me I was a fag and told me to come here.
JAY: Yo, looks like the f***in' teach knows some s*** after all.
[Lunch bell rings.]
JAY: Aw, f***in' s***! I'm motherf***in' hungry, too!
INT. CAFETERIA--DAY
[BANKY is seated in front of BRODIE. For the entire scene, even though it's animated, it parodies the moments in TV shows when one actor is playing two characters.]
BRODIE: Hey, I saw some of the comics you were drawing.
[Camera changes to show BANKY from the front, and someone who is dressed like, but obviously not BRODIE from the back.]
BANKY: Really?
[Camera changes to do the same with BRODIE in front.]
BRODIE: Yeah, if you can make me some comic books, I'll give you 10 cents for every copy I sell.
[Camera changes again to show both BANKY & BRODIE. As they talk, RANDEL passes by and disappears halfway between them.]
BANKY: Well, how much would you get for each?
BRODIE: A dollar.
BANKY: ... deal!
[BANKY walks over to HOLDEN.]
BANKY: Hey, guess what, Holden?
HOLDEN: You're still an idiot?
BANKY: ... no. I just made out first comic book deal.
HOLDEN: What?
BANKY: Brodie is gonna' give us ten cents for every book he sells if we can make some comics for him!
HOLDEN: You f***in' dumbass! I don't have enough time to make a whole comic book!
BANKY: Hang on, let me go ask him what the deadline is.
[BANKY goes over to BRODIE who is now played by GARY COLEMAN.]
BANKY: How much time do we have for the comic?
BRODIE: I need 50 copies by tomorrow.
BANKY: Oh crap...
BRODIE: What you talkin' 'bout, Banky?
INT. PRINCIPAL GLICK'S OFFICE--DAY
[DANTE walks in.]
DANTE: Hello?
GLICK: Oh, hello there. Now, before we get talking about why you're in here, just let me show you something, and tell me what you think.
[GLICK brings out a television monitor and turns it on.]
ANNOUNCER: In the Beginning... God created the Universe... and now, Cardinal Glick creates... Biblemon! Follow the adventures of Snatch Ketchup as he collects Biblical Pocket Monsters!
[SNATCH appears, and picks up a PIKACHU-looking creature.]
PIKACHU: What Would What Would... Jesus Do?
ANNOUNCER: Coming soon to Kids WB!
GLICK: Well, what do you think?
DANTE: Man, that was stupid.
GLICK: Really? Yeah, I thought it might have been. Well, anyway, why are you here?
[DANTE hands GLICK a note from his teacher.]
GLICK: Oh my! That's it, son, we're sending you to... the Homo Converto Center!
JAY: [Outside] Ha ha, that f***er loves the co**.
END OF ACT ONE.
ACT TWO
EXT. SOCCER FIELD--DAY
[HOLDEN is sitting on the bench. BANKY runs up to him.]
BANKY: Dude, why are you here? You need to be drawing that comic so I can ink it.
KID: Ha ha, tracer!
BANKY: Shut the f*** up!
HOLDEN: I'm too busy to draw a comic, especially fifty.
BANKY: No, it's just fifty copies. We copy the original one.
HOLDEN: How much money do you have to pay for the copy machine.
BANKY: ... s***.
HOLDEN: See, you need to think about things before you do them.
BANKY: Man, Brodie's gonna' f***in' kill me.
HOLDEN: You can take Brodie.
BANKY: I hope so.
EXT. QUICK STOP--NIGHT
JAY: Noinch, noinch, smokin' weed, watchin' Big Bird...
INT. DANTE'S HOUSE--NIGHT
DANTE'S DAD: Where's the little f***in' s*** bag?
DANTE'S MOM: I don't know, I'm starting to get worried.
DANTE'S DAD: Why? His cousins look just like 'im. We'll just steal one uh them if he gets lost.
DANTE'S MOM: You can't just steal children; it's illegal!
DANTE'S DAD: Oh... uh oh.
DANTE'S MOM: I'm gonna' call the school.
[DANTE'S MOM picks up the phone. The screen splits to show her talking with GLICK on the phone.]
DANTE'S MOM: This is Dante Hick's mother. Where's my boy?
GLICK: Oh, you're the fruit's mother. We sent him to the Homo Converto Center to get rid of his... tendencies.
DANTE'S MOM: My little baby's not a fag!
[DANTE'S MOM hangs up the phone. She rushes out of the house.]
DANTE'S DAD: Where are you going?
DANTE'S MOM: to save our boy from the homos!
[DANTE'S MOM exits. DANTE'S DAD pulls VERONICA up from under a table.]
DANTE'S DAD: I'm sorry. If I knew stealin' kids was illegal, I'd of let you go weeks ago!
INT. HOMO CONVERTO CENTER--NIGHT
[DANTE enters and finds HOOPER X.]
HOOPER X: Hey, I remember you from class. It's a good thing we got away from those close-minded fools, right honey?
DANTE: What?
HOOPER X: Oh, you don't have to pretend now.
[HOOPER X tries to kiss DANTE, and everyone inside the CENTER pulls up a gun. DANTE'S MOM runs in.]
DANTE'S MOM: Get your lips away from my son, you fruit!
DANTE: He's not a fruit, mom, he's a human!
DANTE'S MOM: C'mon, Dante, we're going home!
[DANTE gets in the car with his MOM.]
INT. MALL--NIGHT
[BANKY walks up to BRODIE.]
BANKY: Hey, Brodie, about those comics, I may not have them tomorrow...
BRODIE: Why not?
BANKY: My partner may not be able to produce them as quickly as I thought.
BRODIE: Listen, Banky Edwards, don't f*** with me. I will get Walt Flanagan's dog on you, and you know how fast he disposes of his victims!
BANKY: Right.
INT. DANTE'S MOM'S CAR--NIGHT
DANTE'S MOM: All that sheltering you from everything just for this...
[DANTE'S MOM parks the car at QUICK STOP.]
DANTE'S MOM: I've got to pick up some things. Don't you move anywhere!
[DANTE'S MOM exits. RANDEL goes up to the car. DANTE rolls down the window.]
DANTE: Hey, Randel.
RANDEL: So, the entire school thinks you're a fag now...
DANTE: What's a fag?
RANDEL: It's a guy who prefers co** over cu**.
DANTE: What?
RANDEL: God, does your mom let you watch any TV or movies?
DANTE: Yeah, Pooh Bear!
RANDEL: Oh, and let me guess, Blue's Clues?
DANTE: She says that Steve acts too gay, but I thought gay was good to be since it's happy.
[RANDEL picks up a copy of a move called WORKERS.]
RANDEL: Here, watch this tonight. It's by Kevin Smith. I guarantee that by tomorrow you'll know everything I've been talking about.
JAY: [Outside, to DANTE'S MOM] Hey, b***, you wanna' have some fun with a f***in' 4th grader?
[DANTE'S MOM screams.]
END OF ACT TWO.
ACT THREE
INT. LEONARDO ELEMENTARY SCHOOL--DAY
[BRODIE walks over to BANKY.]
BRODIE: Got my comics?
BANKY: No... Holden wouldn't draw them.
BRODIE: Holden? You mean you're not the one that draws the comics?
BANKY: I'm just the inkist.
BRODIE: Oh, so you trace them?
BANKY: Inkist! Inkist!
BRODIE: Well, I'm sorry for threatning you. I should've been threatning your partner.
BANKY: So... I saved my ass?
BRODIE: Yes, but no Holden's.
BANKY: Who the f*** cares? I'm not getting my ass kicked!
BRODIE: [Sigh] Idiot...
[Elsewhere...]
RANDEL: So, Dante, did you watch the movie?
DANTE: Yeah, I f***in' watched it. So everyone at school thinks I want to suck co**s?
RANDEL: Yeah, pretty much.
DANTE: Well, you know, I don't. But I don't see why everyone hates f***in' co** suckers. They're just the same as everyone else, except they happen to like someone of their same gender.
[The KIDS start to gather around DANTE as he speaks.]
DANTE: If we've learn to overcome racial differences in our society, why can we not overcome sexuality differences? I have a dream! A dream where all people can come together and hold hands, with no worry of where those hands have been, or on whom they have been! We can all get along, whether or not we want to REALLY get along. If the teachers don't like it, we'll boycott the f***in' schools!
KIDS: Yeah!
[DANTE walks over to CAITLIN after everyone stops paying attention to him.]
DANTE: So, Caitlin, you want to go wit me?
CAITLIN: Sorry, Dante, but there's someone else for me.
[ALYSSA comes up to CAITLIN and holds her hand.]
DANTE: Aw, s***.
JAY: Snoogans.
END OF ACT THREE.
END
"Pilot"
AUTHOR'S NOTES
This is the pilot I wrote for a television show based on the View Askewniverse. It chronicles the adventures of the Askewniverse characters when they were in fourth grade. However, it takes place in a kind of alternate Askewniverse. Why? Because I don't know everything about the Askewniverse. I'm a big fan, and I did as much research as I could, but I'm likely going to get a lot of things wrong, which is why I just chose for it to take place in a kind of alternate Askewniverse.
A lot of words are censored because it is written for TV, and likewise they'd probably be bleeped out. If you're imagining how it would look on the screen as you're reading it, I wrote this thinking it might be animated, in the style of the Clerks Cartoon Series. There's not too many things that couldn't be done in live-action, but I had it in mind to be a cartoon. (Look at me, pretending like my little fanfiction like an actual pilot.)
Finally, all of the Askewniverse characters are property of Kevin Smith and View Askew Productions. Now on wit da show...
OPENER
EXT. QUICK STOP--NIGHT
[JAY & SILENT BOB are outside of the QUICK STOP, leaned in their usual positions. DANTE gets out of his mom's car.]
JAY: Hey, little boy, you want some of this f***ing s***?
DANTE: What is that? Sugar?
[JAY cracks up.]
JAY: Hey, Silent Bob, this little motherf***er thinks the pot is sugar.
DANTE: That's not a pot.
[RANDEL walks up to DANTE.]
RANDEL: Excuse me, stoner boy, but it seems like my man here has lived a very sheltered life. If you excuse me, I'll be taking him elsewhere.
JAY: Why, so you can lick his balls? Noinch!
[RANDEL & DANTE walk inside the QUICK STOP.]
RANDEL: Don't worry about those guys, they're idiots. How do you not know what pot is?
DANTE: I don't know, I don't get out much... the only reason I'm here is because my cousin came over and got stuff all over my window, so my mom's gotta' get something called a... jizz-mopper.
[RANDEL laughs.]
DANTE: Man, I hate this place. I'm not even supposed to be here today!
ACT ONE
EXT. LEONARDO ELEMENTARY SCHOOL--DAY
[DANTE gets out of his bus and sees RANDEL.]
DANTE: Hey, I remember you.
RANDEL: Yeah, Quick Stop kid.
DANTE: Don't call me that. I hate that f***ing place. It smells like feet.
RANDEL: So, what's your name?
DANTE: Dante Hicks.
RANDEL: I'm Randel. Remember this face, because one day, you're going to be seeing it on the space shuttle.
INT. ROCKET SHIP
[RANDEL is in a space suit, seen from the chest up. We hear a zipping sound and then a sound as if RANDEL is pissing.]
RANDEL: Ahhh...
[Sure enough, the urine comes up and floats around.]
RANDEL: Alright, space-pissing is fun!
EXT. LEONARDO ELEMENTARY SCHOOL--DAY
[RANDEL is still day dreaming.]
DANTE: Are you okay?
JAY: F***, he's not f***ing moving 'cause he's f***ing gay and he f***ing wants your co**.
[SILENT BOB motions to try and get JAY to come to class.]
JAY: God, Silent Bob, why do you f***ing want to get to class so f***ing bad? It's 'cause uh that f***ing Amy b**ch, ain't it?
[SILENT BOB nods reluctantly.]
JAY: Fine, we can f***ing go, but you better f***ing tell her to give me some f***ing he** after she's finished f***ing you.
[JAY & SILENT BOB exit.]
RANDEL: So, you new here?
DANTE: Yeah, my family moved here because I've got some family around here.
RANDEL: You guys're gonna' be sorry you ever came to New Jersey. Bunch of savages in this town.
INT. LEONARDO ELEMENTARY SCHOOL--DAY
[DANTE & RANDEL are walking through the halls.]
RANDEL: This school isn't too bad. There's some weird people you have to watch out for, but everyone's pretty cool.
[STEVE-DAVE bumps into RANDEL.]
STEVE-DAVE: Hey, watch we're you're going! I'm a level 84 magician!
RANDEL: And yet you'll still never get laid.
VOICE: I don't want to hear that kind of language from you boys.
[DANTE & RANDEL turn around to see CARDINAL GLICK.]
CARDINAL GLICK: Jesus would cry if he heard the way you were talking!
RANDEL: Well, if Jesus would cry over something a little fourth grader said, then I'm upset for his social life.
CARDINAL GLICK: Excuse me, young man?
JAY: Ha ha, the f***ing pointy hat f***er is f***in' gettin' the gay f***off in trouble an' s***. Snoogans.
CARDINAL GLICK: You have just about the foulest mouth I've ever heard!
JAY: And you have just about the smallest f***in' balls I ever seen.
RANDEL: Finally, saved by the pothead.
DANTE: Who's that guy?
RANDEL: The pothead or the old guy?
DANTE: Both of 'em.
RANDEL: Well, the old guy is Principal Glick. He's also the cardinal at the church. The other guy is Jay. He calls everyone gay, yet he's never seen without his friend Silent Bob. Oh, we better get to class...
INT. MRS. SCHWELBECHER'S CLASS--DAY
[DANTE & RANDEL sit down in two desks. DANTE looks behind him to see a kid drawing in pen over a comic book.]
DANTE: Why're you tracing?
[The kid looks up to reveal himself as BANKY.]
BANKY: I'm not tracing! I'm the inker for my friend's comic book!
DANTE: What's the comic about?
[HOLDEN, a kid sitting next to BANKY, turns towards DANTE.]
HOLDEN: It's called Clerks. It's about these two guys that work at a convenience store and a video store.
DANTE: Who would want to see something like that?
MRS. SCHWELBECHER: Alright, class, I'm going to call roll now. Caitlin Bree...
CAITLIN: Here.
[DANTE stares at CAITLIN. She walks back to him, and kisses him hard on the lips. RANDEL snaps in his face and wakes him up.]
MRS. SCHWELBECHER: Dante Hicks!
DANTE: Um... here.
MRS. SCHWELBECHER: Jay... Phat Buds?
[SILENT BOB walks in.]
MRS. SCHWELBECHER: Are you Jay Phat Buds?
[SILENT BOB points outside.]
MRS. SCHWELBECHER: There's a monster made of human excrements outside?
[SILENT BOB shakes his head, and points at JAY's name on the roll call list.]
MRS. SCHWELBECHER: The human excrement monster has eaten your friend, Jay?
[SILENT BOB shakes his head again. MRS. SCHWELBECHER goes to the door and looks outside.]
MRS. SCHWELBECHER: I see no such monster outside! You're going to the principal's office!
[SILENT BOB puts his head down and walks outside.]
MRS. SCHWELBECHER: Alright, class, we're now going to do a 500-word essay on what you did on your summer vacation. Of course, I mean we're as in you, and not me, as I'll be sitting her thinking of 85 synonyms for the male genitelia so I can win a bet. Go!
[DANTE writes a note and hands it to RANDEL.]
DANTE: Hey, give this to Caitlin!
RANDEL: Dude, I'm trying to write about what happened to my cousin Walter did over the summer.
[BANKY looks over to read RANDEL's paper.]
BANKY: Dude, that's sick!
DANTE: Just give this to Caitlin.
RANDEL: Fine.
[MRS. SCHWELBECHER looks at DANTE & RANDEL.]
MRS. SCHWELBECHER: Passing notes in class, are we? Well, I'll just take a look at this...
[MRS. SCHWELBECHER picks the note up.]
MRS. SCHWELBECHER: [Reading] Hey, my name's Dante, I think you're very pretty, will you go out with me... so, Mr. Hicks, you thought you could get away with sending fag letters to your friend over here?
DANTE: What?
MRS. SCHWELBECHER: It looks like you've seen too many Miramax movies! We don't allow you homos in our New Jersey schools!
[HOOPER X looks up from his paper.]
HOOPER X: Uh oh...
[HOOPER X runs away.]
MRS. SCHWELBECHER: [To DANTE] You're going to see the principal!
DANTE: Yes, m'am.
[DANTE exits.]
INT. MAIN OFFICE--DAY
[JAY & SILENT BOB are seated, waiting to go into the principal's office.]
JAY: Man, f*** this s***. Man, why can't you just get over this f***in' crush so we don't have to f***in' come to this f***in' hell hole?
[SILENT BOB shrugs.]
JAY: It's not like there ain't a hundred f***in' bitches lined up wantin' to f***in' suck your co**.
[DANTE walks in.]
JAY: Oh, well look at this little smartass motherf***er thinkin' he all f***in' cool and s***. What the f*** you in here for?
DANTE: I don't know. The teacher told me I was a fag and told me to come here.
JAY: Yo, looks like the f***in' teach knows some s*** after all.
[Lunch bell rings.]
JAY: Aw, f***in' s***! I'm motherf***in' hungry, too!
INT. CAFETERIA--DAY
[BANKY is seated in front of BRODIE. For the entire scene, even though it's animated, it parodies the moments in TV shows when one actor is playing two characters.]
BRODIE: Hey, I saw some of the comics you were drawing.
[Camera changes to show BANKY from the front, and someone who is dressed like, but obviously not BRODIE from the back.]
BANKY: Really?
[Camera changes to do the same with BRODIE in front.]
BRODIE: Yeah, if you can make me some comic books, I'll give you 10 cents for every copy I sell.
[Camera changes again to show both BANKY & BRODIE. As they talk, RANDEL passes by and disappears halfway between them.]
BANKY: Well, how much would you get for each?
BRODIE: A dollar.
BANKY: ... deal!
[BANKY walks over to HOLDEN.]
BANKY: Hey, guess what, Holden?
HOLDEN: You're still an idiot?
BANKY: ... no. I just made out first comic book deal.
HOLDEN: What?
BANKY: Brodie is gonna' give us ten cents for every book he sells if we can make some comics for him!
HOLDEN: You f***in' dumbass! I don't have enough time to make a whole comic book!
BANKY: Hang on, let me go ask him what the deadline is.
[BANKY goes over to BRODIE who is now played by GARY COLEMAN.]
BANKY: How much time do we have for the comic?
BRODIE: I need 50 copies by tomorrow.
BANKY: Oh crap...
BRODIE: What you talkin' 'bout, Banky?
INT. PRINCIPAL GLICK'S OFFICE--DAY
[DANTE walks in.]
DANTE: Hello?
GLICK: Oh, hello there. Now, before we get talking about why you're in here, just let me show you something, and tell me what you think.
[GLICK brings out a television monitor and turns it on.]
ANNOUNCER: In the Beginning... God created the Universe... and now, Cardinal Glick creates... Biblemon! Follow the adventures of Snatch Ketchup as he collects Biblical Pocket Monsters!
[SNATCH appears, and picks up a PIKACHU-looking creature.]
PIKACHU: What Would What Would... Jesus Do?
ANNOUNCER: Coming soon to Kids WB!
GLICK: Well, what do you think?
DANTE: Man, that was stupid.
GLICK: Really? Yeah, I thought it might have been. Well, anyway, why are you here?
[DANTE hands GLICK a note from his teacher.]
GLICK: Oh my! That's it, son, we're sending you to... the Homo Converto Center!
JAY: [Outside] Ha ha, that f***er loves the co**.
END OF ACT ONE.
ACT TWO
EXT. SOCCER FIELD--DAY
[HOLDEN is sitting on the bench. BANKY runs up to him.]
BANKY: Dude, why are you here? You need to be drawing that comic so I can ink it.
KID: Ha ha, tracer!
BANKY: Shut the f*** up!
HOLDEN: I'm too busy to draw a comic, especially fifty.
BANKY: No, it's just fifty copies. We copy the original one.
HOLDEN: How much money do you have to pay for the copy machine.
BANKY: ... s***.
HOLDEN: See, you need to think about things before you do them.
BANKY: Man, Brodie's gonna' f***in' kill me.
HOLDEN: You can take Brodie.
BANKY: I hope so.
EXT. QUICK STOP--NIGHT
JAY: Noinch, noinch, smokin' weed, watchin' Big Bird...
INT. DANTE'S HOUSE--NIGHT
DANTE'S DAD: Where's the little f***in' s*** bag?
DANTE'S MOM: I don't know, I'm starting to get worried.
DANTE'S DAD: Why? His cousins look just like 'im. We'll just steal one uh them if he gets lost.
DANTE'S MOM: You can't just steal children; it's illegal!
DANTE'S DAD: Oh... uh oh.
DANTE'S MOM: I'm gonna' call the school.
[DANTE'S MOM picks up the phone. The screen splits to show her talking with GLICK on the phone.]
DANTE'S MOM: This is Dante Hick's mother. Where's my boy?
GLICK: Oh, you're the fruit's mother. We sent him to the Homo Converto Center to get rid of his... tendencies.
DANTE'S MOM: My little baby's not a fag!
[DANTE'S MOM hangs up the phone. She rushes out of the house.]
DANTE'S DAD: Where are you going?
DANTE'S MOM: to save our boy from the homos!
[DANTE'S MOM exits. DANTE'S DAD pulls VERONICA up from under a table.]
DANTE'S DAD: I'm sorry. If I knew stealin' kids was illegal, I'd of let you go weeks ago!
INT. HOMO CONVERTO CENTER--NIGHT
[DANTE enters and finds HOOPER X.]
HOOPER X: Hey, I remember you from class. It's a good thing we got away from those close-minded fools, right honey?
DANTE: What?
HOOPER X: Oh, you don't have to pretend now.
[HOOPER X tries to kiss DANTE, and everyone inside the CENTER pulls up a gun. DANTE'S MOM runs in.]
DANTE'S MOM: Get your lips away from my son, you fruit!
DANTE: He's not a fruit, mom, he's a human!
DANTE'S MOM: C'mon, Dante, we're going home!
[DANTE gets in the car with his MOM.]
INT. MALL--NIGHT
[BANKY walks up to BRODIE.]
BANKY: Hey, Brodie, about those comics, I may not have them tomorrow...
BRODIE: Why not?
BANKY: My partner may not be able to produce them as quickly as I thought.
BRODIE: Listen, Banky Edwards, don't f*** with me. I will get Walt Flanagan's dog on you, and you know how fast he disposes of his victims!
BANKY: Right.
INT. DANTE'S MOM'S CAR--NIGHT
DANTE'S MOM: All that sheltering you from everything just for this...
[DANTE'S MOM parks the car at QUICK STOP.]
DANTE'S MOM: I've got to pick up some things. Don't you move anywhere!
[DANTE'S MOM exits. RANDEL goes up to the car. DANTE rolls down the window.]
DANTE: Hey, Randel.
RANDEL: So, the entire school thinks you're a fag now...
DANTE: What's a fag?
RANDEL: It's a guy who prefers co** over cu**.
DANTE: What?
RANDEL: God, does your mom let you watch any TV or movies?
DANTE: Yeah, Pooh Bear!
RANDEL: Oh, and let me guess, Blue's Clues?
DANTE: She says that Steve acts too gay, but I thought gay was good to be since it's happy.
[RANDEL picks up a copy of a move called WORKERS.]
RANDEL: Here, watch this tonight. It's by Kevin Smith. I guarantee that by tomorrow you'll know everything I've been talking about.
JAY: [Outside, to DANTE'S MOM] Hey, b***, you wanna' have some fun with a f***in' 4th grader?
[DANTE'S MOM screams.]
END OF ACT TWO.
ACT THREE
INT. LEONARDO ELEMENTARY SCHOOL--DAY
[BRODIE walks over to BANKY.]
BRODIE: Got my comics?
BANKY: No... Holden wouldn't draw them.
BRODIE: Holden? You mean you're not the one that draws the comics?
BANKY: I'm just the inkist.
BRODIE: Oh, so you trace them?
BANKY: Inkist! Inkist!
BRODIE: Well, I'm sorry for threatning you. I should've been threatning your partner.
BANKY: So... I saved my ass?
BRODIE: Yes, but no Holden's.
BANKY: Who the f*** cares? I'm not getting my ass kicked!
BRODIE: [Sigh] Idiot...
[Elsewhere...]
RANDEL: So, Dante, did you watch the movie?
DANTE: Yeah, I f***in' watched it. So everyone at school thinks I want to suck co**s?
RANDEL: Yeah, pretty much.
DANTE: Well, you know, I don't. But I don't see why everyone hates f***in' co** suckers. They're just the same as everyone else, except they happen to like someone of their same gender.
[The KIDS start to gather around DANTE as he speaks.]
DANTE: If we've learn to overcome racial differences in our society, why can we not overcome sexuality differences? I have a dream! A dream where all people can come together and hold hands, with no worry of where those hands have been, or on whom they have been! We can all get along, whether or not we want to REALLY get along. If the teachers don't like it, we'll boycott the f***in' schools!
KIDS: Yeah!
[DANTE walks over to CAITLIN after everyone stops paying attention to him.]
DANTE: So, Caitlin, you want to go wit me?
CAITLIN: Sorry, Dante, but there's someone else for me.
[ALYSSA comes up to CAITLIN and holds her hand.]
DANTE: Aw, s***.
JAY: Snoogans.
END OF ACT THREE.
END