(DISCLAIMER: Much to my despair I do not own any of the ER characters!)
TITLE: Another day in Paradise.
AN: Carter speaks to a therapist as part of his rehab-outpatient programme.
Essentially he his discussing his life since Atlanta etc. Read on!!
Please Review! Baby Jen.
Carter walked nervously to the Doctor's Lounge. He opened the door and sheepishly
slid into the seat opposite the man waiting for him.
"Carter, John Carter?"
Carter looked across at his former therapist. He had not seen him since
Atlanta...6 months ago. Now he was here-in Chicago. Somehow it brought the
reality home to him. It was always with him wherever he went...he was
recovering drug addict.
"Ugh-yeah...hi...again!?"
The therapist looked back at John and-sensing his discomfort-began off with
'small talk'.
"Well John-I just ran into your Cheif-Dr Weaver? Yeah she arranged this room
for us. Nice Lady, you..."
"Look, Dr Caldwell, Why don't we dispense with the small talk Doctor, and get to the point-I
to the point. Not that this is even necessary coz quite frankly *you can't tell me
anything I don't already know!* Now can we get on with it if we must-I have
alot of work to do."
This wasn't actually true, as Kerry had given him the day off but all the same
-why should he have to be there longer than necessary? The whole thing was a
waste of time-he was doing OK, wasn't he?
Carter felt bad for his rude reaction and mumbled feebly his apologies.
"Don't worry about it John, I've had far, far worse! But as you wish, let us
move onto the fundamentals. How many 'slips' have you had since we left off in
Atlanta?"
"HEY-whu do you immediately assume that I had a 'slip'? God-you don't ask "IF"
I've had any-no, no it's immediately onto the "HOW MANY". Hell, no one will
EVER trust me ever again you're all the same!!
Dr Caldwell observed the young man before him quietly.
"Who, John?"
"Huh?"
"You said 'you're all the same, you'll don't trust me'-WHO else are you
talking about?"
"It's nothing..."
"...John..."
John sighed resignedly.
"Dr...Dr Weaver...and the faculty board."
"Explain."
John focused away from the therapist and onto the floor as he replied.
"'sigh' I applied for the Cheif Resident Position for the up-coming year
and my application was intercepted because...because of what happened."
"Your addiction?"
"No, because I wore mismatching socks...OF COURSE the addiction, for crying
out loud! That's all I represent to anyone anymore. It doesn't matter what
I say, or what I do or how much time passes -I'll always be 'that addict'."
Carter stood up and walked over to the coffee machine.
"It's-it's ...ugh. You know what? I can't even complain about it not being
fair either. I'm lucky to be even practising medicine anymore -especially
after...*sigh*. You were right Dr Caldwell. I *did* have 1 'slip'."
"When?"
"Uh...a month or so ago!? I'd been on all day, then up all night with my
friend who went into labour, then I had to start work again. I was
so *tired* and this patient had some vicodin...it was just sitting
there on the table...I didn't even think about it till after I'd taken 'em."
"How many?"
"Huh? Oh-uh, 2-I took 2. But I realised almost straight away what I'd done.
I panicked and ran into a bathroom stall, stuck two fingers down my throat
and brought them up. "
"So they were never actually in your system?"
"No-but I still took 'em- all the same."
The room went silent. Carter sat down opposite the psychiatrist wishing they
had been in a room besides the Dr.'s lounge. The idea that everyone
knew to stay away from the room because *he* needed therapy made him feel
weak. Which was just the way he felt after the Vicodin incident. *weak*
As though he were reading Carter's thoughts, the therapist spoke.
"You know-you musn't feel discouraged John, Actually I feel you're doing
quite well. Just one 'incident', you acted fast so as to stop it ever
entering you're system, so essentially you've remained narcotic free
for 6 months now. Don't let one 'scare' erase all the hard work you've
put in to come this far!"
" *sigh* I know but... sometimes I feel like I'm working so hard to get
my life back-but I'm never going to get it back. I mean c'mon-the board
is hardly going to change it's opinion of me next year either. Hah-Cheif
Resident, yeah right. I was foolish to think they'd consider me-Weaver
was right. In the eyes of the everyone I only represent 1 thing; a pathetic
drug addict foolishly trying to regain a life that's long gone, I guess."
Before the therapist could respond John began to speak again.
"AND IT *IS* HARD! It's not like getting this far was easy. Every damn day
from the moment I get up till the moment I'm asleep I'm fighting the temptation
-I'm fighting damn hard, and I just feel like why bother sometimes? I'm treated
like a druggie whether I'm clean or not-so why fight so hard to stay clean if
I'm still treated like a junkie either way, I...."
Carter put his hands to his face and dropped his head. He fiercly fought
the urge to scream or cry. Now he thought of it-he hardly had the energy
to do either.
Dr Caldwell rose and spoke slowly yet cheerfully.
"Well, Dr Carter-you seem to be coming along OK. The way you're feeling is
perfectly natural for someone in your situation. It seems bad now, but trust
me-stick with what you're doin' and you'll get through it. It'll work out!"
Carter looked up puzzled.
"Wha..that's it?"
"Yup, you just need time to adjust-and so do your colleagues. As for theCheif
Resident slot-it's just as well-you still need to take it a little slowly for
a bit longer. Good Luck with next year's application though!"
"Wha...wait a minute-that's all you have to say? 'stick with it-it'll be ok?'
"Absolutely. Well-I need not take up any more of your time Dr Carter.
I'm pleased with your recovery so far-and wish you further success."
"But-But I don't understand...you-you don't wanna know more about the vicodin
or, or how it's affecting my work or.."
"No, I don't. You know why?"
"WHY?"
Dr Caldwell smiled.
"Because you were right the first time John. I wouldn't be able to tell
you anything you don't already know."
He chuckled a little then continued.
"No-one said this would be easy John-it's an every day struggle for quite
a while. But you'll get there in the end. You'll beat it. You've got the
courage it takes."
"How can you be so sure?"
Dr Caldwell opened the door, turned around and smiled.
"If you didn't-you wouldn't be *here* now. Good bye Dr Carter."
TITLE: Another day in Paradise.
AN: Carter speaks to a therapist as part of his rehab-outpatient programme.
Essentially he his discussing his life since Atlanta etc. Read on!!
Please Review! Baby Jen.
Carter walked nervously to the Doctor's Lounge. He opened the door and sheepishly
slid into the seat opposite the man waiting for him.
"Carter, John Carter?"
Carter looked across at his former therapist. He had not seen him since
Atlanta...6 months ago. Now he was here-in Chicago. Somehow it brought the
reality home to him. It was always with him wherever he went...he was
recovering drug addict.
"Ugh-yeah...hi...again!?"
The therapist looked back at John and-sensing his discomfort-began off with
'small talk'.
"Well John-I just ran into your Cheif-Dr Weaver? Yeah she arranged this room
for us. Nice Lady, you..."
"Look, Dr Caldwell, Why don't we dispense with the small talk Doctor, and get to the point-I
to the point. Not that this is even necessary coz quite frankly *you can't tell me
anything I don't already know!* Now can we get on with it if we must-I have
alot of work to do."
This wasn't actually true, as Kerry had given him the day off but all the same
-why should he have to be there longer than necessary? The whole thing was a
waste of time-he was doing OK, wasn't he?
Carter felt bad for his rude reaction and mumbled feebly his apologies.
"Don't worry about it John, I've had far, far worse! But as you wish, let us
move onto the fundamentals. How many 'slips' have you had since we left off in
Atlanta?"
"HEY-whu do you immediately assume that I had a 'slip'? God-you don't ask "IF"
I've had any-no, no it's immediately onto the "HOW MANY". Hell, no one will
EVER trust me ever again you're all the same!!
Dr Caldwell observed the young man before him quietly.
"Who, John?"
"Huh?"
"You said 'you're all the same, you'll don't trust me'-WHO else are you
talking about?"
"It's nothing..."
"...John..."
John sighed resignedly.
"Dr...Dr Weaver...and the faculty board."
"Explain."
John focused away from the therapist and onto the floor as he replied.
"'sigh' I applied for the Cheif Resident Position for the up-coming year
and my application was intercepted because...because of what happened."
"Your addiction?"
"No, because I wore mismatching socks...OF COURSE the addiction, for crying
out loud! That's all I represent to anyone anymore. It doesn't matter what
I say, or what I do or how much time passes -I'll always be 'that addict'."
Carter stood up and walked over to the coffee machine.
"It's-it's ...ugh. You know what? I can't even complain about it not being
fair either. I'm lucky to be even practising medicine anymore -especially
after...*sigh*. You were right Dr Caldwell. I *did* have 1 'slip'."
"When?"
"Uh...a month or so ago!? I'd been on all day, then up all night with my
friend who went into labour, then I had to start work again. I was
so *tired* and this patient had some vicodin...it was just sitting
there on the table...I didn't even think about it till after I'd taken 'em."
"How many?"
"Huh? Oh-uh, 2-I took 2. But I realised almost straight away what I'd done.
I panicked and ran into a bathroom stall, stuck two fingers down my throat
and brought them up. "
"So they were never actually in your system?"
"No-but I still took 'em- all the same."
The room went silent. Carter sat down opposite the psychiatrist wishing they
had been in a room besides the Dr.'s lounge. The idea that everyone
knew to stay away from the room because *he* needed therapy made him feel
weak. Which was just the way he felt after the Vicodin incident. *weak*
As though he were reading Carter's thoughts, the therapist spoke.
"You know-you musn't feel discouraged John, Actually I feel you're doing
quite well. Just one 'incident', you acted fast so as to stop it ever
entering you're system, so essentially you've remained narcotic free
for 6 months now. Don't let one 'scare' erase all the hard work you've
put in to come this far!"
" *sigh* I know but... sometimes I feel like I'm working so hard to get
my life back-but I'm never going to get it back. I mean c'mon-the board
is hardly going to change it's opinion of me next year either. Hah-Cheif
Resident, yeah right. I was foolish to think they'd consider me-Weaver
was right. In the eyes of the everyone I only represent 1 thing; a pathetic
drug addict foolishly trying to regain a life that's long gone, I guess."
Before the therapist could respond John began to speak again.
"AND IT *IS* HARD! It's not like getting this far was easy. Every damn day
from the moment I get up till the moment I'm asleep I'm fighting the temptation
-I'm fighting damn hard, and I just feel like why bother sometimes? I'm treated
like a druggie whether I'm clean or not-so why fight so hard to stay clean if
I'm still treated like a junkie either way, I...."
Carter put his hands to his face and dropped his head. He fiercly fought
the urge to scream or cry. Now he thought of it-he hardly had the energy
to do either.
Dr Caldwell rose and spoke slowly yet cheerfully.
"Well, Dr Carter-you seem to be coming along OK. The way you're feeling is
perfectly natural for someone in your situation. It seems bad now, but trust
me-stick with what you're doin' and you'll get through it. It'll work out!"
Carter looked up puzzled.
"Wha..that's it?"
"Yup, you just need time to adjust-and so do your colleagues. As for theCheif
Resident slot-it's just as well-you still need to take it a little slowly for
a bit longer. Good Luck with next year's application though!"
"Wha...wait a minute-that's all you have to say? 'stick with it-it'll be ok?'
"Absolutely. Well-I need not take up any more of your time Dr Carter.
I'm pleased with your recovery so far-and wish you further success."
"But-But I don't understand...you-you don't wanna know more about the vicodin
or, or how it's affecting my work or.."
"No, I don't. You know why?"
"WHY?"
Dr Caldwell smiled.
"Because you were right the first time John. I wouldn't be able to tell
you anything you don't already know."
He chuckled a little then continued.
"No-one said this would be easy John-it's an every day struggle for quite
a while. But you'll get there in the end. You'll beat it. You've got the
courage it takes."
"How can you be so sure?"
Dr Caldwell opened the door, turned around and smiled.
"If you didn't-you wouldn't be *here* now. Good bye Dr Carter."