Edge of Darkness
By: CNJ
PG-13
9: November 2023
Mary Anne:
"Happy birthday, Tam," I said softly, giving my daughter a hug after I'd brought out the cake.
All of us...Alma, Mona, Zara, and I gathered around as Tam made her wish and blew out all ten candles on the cake that November 14, 2023. We all whooped, then sat down to cut and eat the cake.
I can't believe my oldest daughter is ten. And that I turned forty almost two months ago.
We all still feel that gap without Owen and I realized with a pang that this is our first year of celebrations...birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah...without Owen. It feels a little strange, but slowly, we are filling in the gaps, moving on and finding reasons to celebrate. Today, we'd all gone out to dinner at Tam's favorite restaurant in the city, then come back here to have the cake.
"Mary Anne...are you still going over to Kristy's for Thanksgiving?" Mona asked once the girls had gone upstairs to play a card game of Uno. Mona and I were lingering in the kitchen over cups of tea.
"Yes," I asked, a little surprised. "I wouldn't miss the re-union bash at Kristy's for the world."
"I thought maybe..." Mona hesitated. "If flying turns out to be too much for you, Stacey and I could stay here also."
I had thought of that and yes, the thought of flying, being on a plane made my hands shake. I had to put my cup down. Mona put a hand over mine and we sat for a long minute, listening to the cold wind blow outside.
"It'll be scary, but I'm still flying out," I said in a low, determined voice. "I've lived with fear all my life, Mona, and I learned as a teenager not to let it stop me from doing what I have to do."
"You're right," Mona said softly.
"I'm going to call Kristy this week and let her know I'm still coming," I continued.
"Tell you what..." Mona suggested. "Stace and I can sit by you on the plane and make sure it doesn't get too scary for you. We'll be by you all the way."
"Thanks," I told her, grateful for her support. I still felt a bit shaky about being on an airplane again, but with two of my closest friends and my kids along, it wouldn't be so overwhelming.
Kristy:
"So you're coming out here?" I confirmed over the phone the Sunday before Thanksgiving.
"Yes." Mary Anne seemed to be a bit shaky, but determined.
We talked a bit longer before we hung up. Plane crash and all, Mary Anne was still Mary Anne. I'd known her since toddlerhood when we were growing up in Stoneybrook, Connecticut and Mary Anne had always been a very shy, quiet person. She had always been afraid of so much, yet had a strong backbone that surface when she needed it.
I know flying now terrifies her. A lot of people would never set foot on a plane after what she went through last February, but Mary Anne is a person who faces her fears down and does whatever is necessary, even if she is afraid. Maybe because she has so many fears and is highly sensitive, dealing with those fears and sensitivity made her into such a strong person.
"So, Mary Anne's actually flying out here?" my oldest son, David, who's almost fifteen, asked once I hung up.
"She sure is," I told him. "Here, help me bring the salad plates in..."
"She's brave," my oldest daughter, thirteen-year-old Karen added as she pulled out silverware and followed us to the table.
"You can say that again," I nodded as I brought in the noodle casserole and my five kids and I sat and started to eat.
As we ate, I looked around, grateful that all my kids were here. Besides David and Karen, there's Michael, who's twelve and Michelle, who's ten, the same age as Tamara, and my youngest, Elizabeth, who's eight. I was looking forward to seeing all of my old friends in the BSC again.
Mary Anne:
Once our flight was called that Wednesday morning, Stacey put a hand on one shoulder while Mona put her hand on my other shoulder. Then slowly we walked onto the plane together.
My legs felt rubbery and my heart was pounding as we sat. Tamara reached over and stroked my hand and Alma said something supportive, but it was hard hearing them over the swoosh of my pulse in my ears.
I couldn't believe I was on a plane again. Everything looked surreal, bright and when the flight attendants demonstrated the use of the emergency equipment, it all seemed too real.
Listen carefully, all of you... I sent out a mental message to our fellow passengers. I had to use that equipment for real less than a year ago.
I slumped back once I put my seat belt on. Once the plane started toward the runway, everything got more vivid and I had to put on my sunglasses, my hands really shaking, my heart pounding. My skin felt damp and clammy.
Mona clasped my hand and talked to me in a low soothing voice as the plane lifted off. I kept my eyes straight ahead, my terror closing around me. This is it, I thought. We were in the air and if...I fought back the crazy, frightening thoughts that started to crowd my mind.
Come on, don't panic, Mary Anne, I silently willed myself. You've done it before. It's like getting back on a horse after you're thrown off.
I managed a shaky ironic smile as tears slid down my face at the thought of horses, since it's one of the many things I've been afraid of. Good thing the flight was only four hours to Minnesota.
Occasionally, I cried quietly and sometimes I started shaking. Sometimes the shaking was more like a brief spasm wracking my body.
I didn't dare close my eyes because I knew I'd flash back to last February's plane crash. Thinking of the plane crash also reminded me of this morning when I'd gone to Owen's grave and put a vase of fall flowers there and cried. My husband's been gone almost a year now.
It was a fearful flight, but with Stacey and Mona support as well as that of my kids, I made it through and we landed safely in Minneapolis Airport early that afternoon. Fresh tears spilled down my face when several passengers clapped.
"We made it," Stacey whispered, giving me a little hug. Mona stroked my hand.
"Way to go, Mom," Tamara told me.
"Are you still scared, Mommy?" Alma asked, her big dark eyes full of worry.
"Yes, but I'm making it, sweetie," I leaned over and stroked her hand.
Once the passenger crowd had squashed their way out of the plane, we stood up, got our bags, then slowly made our way out of the aircraft. My legs and hands were still shaking wildly, but I also felt a sense of relief. I also felt a bit light-headed until I spotted Kristy.
"OVER HERE!" she bellowed, waving wildly.
"Hello!" Hiiiii!" We all booked into each others' arms and hugged.
"You're all right, Mary Anne?" Kristy asked once we got our bags and started toward her car.
"Yes...I will be," I told her. Finally, I got the courage to take my sunglasses off. "It was scary, but I survived it."
"Way to go," Kristy put an arm around me.
Outside, it was bright, cold, and windy the way some late fall and winter days seem to be with a deep blue sky and a splotch of white sun. The brightness made me squint and frown. I had to rub my eyes a minute once we got into the car and started toward Two Skies.
"...so Claudia made the pies and I'm picking up the turkey tonight," Kristy told us on the way there.
"I have the stuffing here," I told Kristy, tapping my round plastic bag. Mona and Stacey told her what they'd brought as well.
"Hey, thanks," Kristy grinned. "This is going to be quite a feast."
"Gotten any snow yet?" Stacey asked.
"Not yet, but it'll be soon," Kristy told us. "I thought it was going to come down on Monday because it really looked like a snow sky, but it didn't. It's been cold though with the nights in the low teens."
"It's been close to it in Vermont," Stacey nodded.
"It's been in the twenties at night in New York," Mona put in. It has been, even in the city.
"I hope we get snow for the holidays," Tam told us.
"Me too," Syrie put in.
Stacey:
I was glad all of us in the BSC and our families were able to come out to Kristy's place. It felt strange without Larry and Jon, but we managed to make the holiday a peaceful, memorable one.
It was a good thing the dining room table was long, because all of us sat around it, then would help ourselves to a buffet near the head. This year, it was a bit sad, yet special because each of us were grateful that we still had our each other, despite the terrible loss Mary Anne and I had suffered this past year.
Throughout the meal, Mary Anne and I exchanged glances of understanding and encouragement. So did our daughters. We've been through a lot, but we're surviving it and for that I'm thankful for our courage...not only Mary Anne and me, but for all of us in the BSC whenever we'd gone through rocky times.
Mary Anne:
They are some of the most precious things ever in my life. My girls. My BSC friends. Their kids. The rest of my family.
I mostly listened to the others talk and at one point Dawn and I were talking about everyday things, we exchanged a grateful look...that we had each other as stepsisters.
Dawn and I smiled softly as we saw Alma and Dawn's daughter Sierra, flick string beans across the table in each others' plates. Zara added her rice into Sierra's plate, then Sierra's twin brother, pushed a bit of yam across toward Zara and Alma.
Across the table, Anna's daughter, Raisa and Claudia's daughter, Stacey, dropped scraps of food down to the Thomas's dog, Mountain. Abby's twin daughters, Kristen and Rachel, snickered when Mountain belched noisily.
Kristy then stood up, leaned under the table and called Mountain out from there. "Come on, Mountie...you've had enough to eat..." I guess Mountain did because she followed Kristy to the basement where she closed the door, then sat again. By then, all of us were getting full and relaxed.
"My last re-load," Tom Kishner, Claudia's husband quipped and most of us laughed.
I smiled. I was stuffed to the top as well. It was the first time in a long time I'd enjoyed a full meal and I was happy to see that my girls had too.
After we ate and cleared the table, all of us herded into the kitchen with a noisy clatter of dishes going into the dishwasher and all of us talking, bit by bit, we drifted into the living room while our kids headed to the den.
"Who wants coffee...or tea?" Kristy asked, still edging at the kitchen doorway.
We all chimed in our choices. Claudia and Tom went into the kitchen to help and in a minute, I got up and started in, but Kristy told me they had everything set, so I headed back into the living room and sat between Abby and Mona.
"You're sounding a lot better," Abby told me as the two of us sipped tea.
"Thanks," I said softly. "I think my kids and I are coming together, bit by bit."
We played a few rounds of Uno and talked for a long time, catching up on things. Abby, who's a lawyer now, told us about her latest case and Dawn expounded on her current archeology dig.
I talked some about some of the classes I was teaching this year. Kristy's newest store was off the ground and doing well. Claudia was starting a new advertising project right after Thanksgiving that would take two weeks.
"Just think, this design will grab the right audience," Claudia told us, passing around her drawings, which was for a new restaurant. It was an inviting sketch of a plate of food on a homey-looking table with an inviting window above it.
"It gives the feel of coziness," I passed the picture on to Mona.
"Good color," Mona said softly, passing it to Anna.
"How's the latest CD coming?" Dawn asked Anna, who is with a soft rock music group.
"It's coming along all right," Anna told us. "If all goes smoothly, Water and Wind should have the CD released by April."
"All right..." "Sounds good." We sat, sipping tea, coffee, and cappuccino.
"You know what is fantastic?" Jessi sat up from where she'd been seated close to her husband, Russell Wysley. "That we've stayed so close all these years."
"Yeah..." Mallory added. Jessi and Mallory are two years younger than the rest of us and we don't see them that often, but when it's a gathering like this, they come out.
"I think part of it stemmed from us having the mission to run the BSC back in middle and high school," Stacey put in.
"And in high school, dealing with that IN clique made us bond even more closely," I added.
"We sure kept our high school graduation pact," Claudia put in.
We all remembered how before we left Stoneybrook for college, we'd all met at the tower near the beach and vowed to remain friends always, no matter how far we were and what happened.
Slowly, we moved onto other topics, but we felt the familylike bonds between us and felt secure knowing that it would always be there, no matter what happened in our lives.
I smiled softly, sipping the last of my tea, remembering how when I was a little girl, I'd been an only child and wanted a sister. Well, now I feel like a have ten sisters, I thought. And we're there to pull each other through the bad times as well as enjoy the good times.