A Very Cheesy Fantasy

by Marfresbo

This is a parody of just about every fantasy novel I've read. I put it in here because I couldn't think of anyware else to put it.

Disclaimer: I own about half of this.  The other half is owned by various fantasy authors. A Very Cheesy Fantasy

 Opaque Productions

There's a guy in a suit standing in the middle of a room.

Guy: Good day, I will be your narrator for tonight.  I do not use contractions, and always use 'whom' and 'I' even when they are incorrect.  I hold people that use very fake French accents in the highest regard because I think that they really are Frenchmen, and France is the epitome of civilization.  So I know you want to hate me.

Act I, Scene I

Camera switches a forest road.  There are two people, Thomas and Walter, walking.  As the camera comes closer we can see that they are also talking.  Turn on sound.

Thomas: But if the Big Evil Nasty Bad Guy is loose, what do we do?

Walter: Well, Thomas, isn't it obvious?  We must go on a quest to defeat him, that's just whatcha do.  Then, after we've finished the quest, we go and confront Grax-

Thomas interrupting: Don't say his name.

Walter: Fine, we go and confront You-Know-Who, and kill him.

Thomas: People only do that in stories, Walter.  I thought you knew that.

Walter: This IS a story.

Thomas: Oh, yeah.

Narrator: While this conversation was taking place, Thomas felt a prickling sensation grow on the back of his neck.

Thomas turns around, and there, in the path behind them, is a black cloaked rider on a fake black horse.  He starts to look frightened, then trips and falls.  Before Walter sees the rider, he leaves.

Walter: Get up Thomas, we need to get to town.

Thomas: There was a black cloaked rider on a black horse behind us.

Walter: Coool! Was it a Nazgûl or a Myrddraal. It must be one of Graxxelploi's agents.

Thomas: Uhhh…

A man with clipboard, paper, and pencil jumps out of the bushes.

Man: Hello I am one of "The Boss's" pollsters.  When our Myrddraal appeared did you feel (pick only one) frightened, terrified, horrified, or confused?

Narrator: Right now our heroes are horribly confused, they set about thinking about what they felt.

Thomas: I think I was confused, I'm still confused come to think of it.

Man: So we need more fearsome creatures?

Walter: Yes, definitely!  I didn't even know he was there.  When I did find out I was actually excited, because it means we're going to have a quest!

Man: You were not supposed to see him.  You are going to die tonight.

Walter curses, but is bleeped out by the narrator.

Narrator: Walter! Do not use that kind of language.  This movie will have no such words!

Walter to narrator: No one told me I was going to die early in the movie.

Walter suddenly crumples.  After a few seconds he gets up gibbering in fear.

Narrator: That should teach you to argue with me.

Walter: Yes! Yes! Please don't ever do that again! Please!

Man with clipboard leaps back into the bushes while Tom and Walt continue walking.  They reach the village in a short time to find there's a major party in town.  They walk through till they find Ben.

Added to the stage are: 15-20 extras, some cardboard house fronts, and some recorders, drums, etc.

Walter: Ben, what's the party for?

Ben: Didn'tcha hear? King Marfresbo is taking the armies of Gidhailla to fight the Big Evil Nasty Bad Guy.

Thomas to Walter: See, I told you there wouldn't be a quest.

Suddenly a guy rides into town on a fake horse.

Guy: I am a messenger of the king.  The king has sent me to tell you that he has fallen ill and the assault is canceled.  He needs a few young folk to go on a quest.

Narrator: The Messenger sees our three young folk and a pretty young woman.

Guy: You four, come with me into the inn.

The four young folk follow the messenger into the inn.

Act I, Scene II

Inside an inn.

Tom, Walt, Ben, girl, and man gather around a table, while other patrons chat quietly amongst themselves.

Guy: My name is Howard.  I will be your guide.  I am mysterious and aloof.  I will give you incomplete information and be unhelpful.  And you?

They all give their names.  The girl is Cara.  Ben drains his mug.

Howard: Cara, before we start I have to tell you that your only purpose is to be the hero's girlfriend, and to get kidnapped by Gra-

Thomas, Ben, and Cara: Don't say that name!

Howard: You-Know-Who then.  Anyway, we shall leave tomorrow at dawn.

Thomas, Ben, and Cara: Coool!

Walter: Well, you guys have fun.  I'm going to die tonight.

Howard: Another round of drinks, please.

A waiter comes up and fills up the mugs.  They all finish their drinks.

Howard: I've gotten three rooms.  We should go to bed now.

All wander up the stairs to their rooms.

Act I, Scene III

Inside Tom's and Walt's room.  A guy sneaks into the room and stabs at one of the cots. Inside the room are 2 cots and table with a lantern.  Walter screams as he dies.

Tom jumps up out of bed.

Thomas: Huh?

Guy: I am the evil assassin of "The Boss." I've come to kill you!

Thomas surprised: Oh?

Tom slugs the guy.  Guy crumples into a heap.  Tom picks him up and tosses him out the window.

Thomas: Out the cliff side window.

Tom bursts out in maniacal laughter, and a faint splat is heard.

Act I, Scene IV

Outside of town.

The four remaining questers are riding fake horses.  Howard the guide has a sword.

Howard: We shall now go forth to Shayol Mishrak-dûr.

Rest: Whaaat?  We must go on a quest first.

Howard: Yes, I forgot.  Where shall we go?

Cara: I know!  The king has been poisoned to make him sick.  We shall go to Gidhailla.

Howard: Very good.  I never would though of that.

Narrator: They gallop bravely forth across plains, hills, and forests to where they meet a Nazgûl and a Myrddraal fighting.

While the narrator is talking the group moves forward to a different portion of the stage, for about 20 seconds till they reach a Nazgûl and a Myrddraal fighting with swords.

Howard: I will take care of this.

Howard rides out and draws his sword.  When he engages the evil creatures they 3 start fighting each other badly (swords wobble, can't swing right, swords don't hit each other).  After a while of watching them fight Tom walks up and takes Howard's sword.

Thomas: Allow me to show you how it's done.

Howard: Are you sure you can do this?

Tom nods once then moves in on the black cloaks.  Tom starts fighting and quickly defeats his enemies.

Howard: Very good.  Where did you learn the sword.

Tom: Nobody taught me.  You guys were just awful.

Howard: Oh.

Narrator: Our brave heroes have fought Graxxelploi's horrible monsters and prevailed. They now continue on their way to Gidhailla.

Act II, Scene I

Gidhailla.

Our heroes reach Gidhailla.  There are houses and a castle.

Howard: Behold, Gidhailla is below us!

The cast looks down in the direction of their feet.

Ben: I only see dirt.

Howard: I meant over there.

Ben: Then say, "In front of us"

Howard: But it is not as dramatic.

Cara: Ben, if it's for dramatic purposes, it's okay.  Forward!

They all gallop into the city.  Howard stands up on his horse to make an announcement.

Howard: People of Gidhailla, a horrible thing has happened.  The king is being poisoned!

Extras: No!

Howard: Listen idiots, this is a very bad typical fantasy.  Of course he's being poisoned.

Extras: Oh, yeah.  Are you folks going to find the poisoner?

Howard: Think about it, you dolts.

Extras: Oh, yeah.

The main characters tie up their horses and walk into the castle.

Act II, Scene II

Inside Gidhailla castle.

The four enter the throne room where Prince Robert is sitting.  There are lackeys sitting around the room.

Group walks into throne room.  They bow to the Prince.

Cara: Prince Robert, we bring horrible news.  Your father, the king, is being poisoned!

Robert: No! Who has done it?

Howard: We do not know.  That is what we are here for.

Robert: What evidence is there that he has been poisoned?

Thomas: This is a very bad typical fantasy, don'tcha know.

Robert: Oh, yeah.  I shall give they four of you free reign in the castle to find out who has done this atrocious thing.

Howard: Thank you sir.

A man runs into the room, bows, and addresses the prince.

Man: Your Highness, the king, your father, is dead!

Robert: NOOO!! [to the heroes] I am very sorry, but you are to late to save my father.  Go now and find his murderer.

Narrator: While they are too late, our heroes decide to do just as the prince commanded.

Cara: Thank you, Highness.

As they walk out the talk to each other.

Ben: I don't trust the Prince.

Cara: You don't trust him just 'cause he's handsomer than you.

Ben: You trust him just 'cause he is handsome.

Thomas: He was helpful Ben, and he seemed very upset about the king being poisoned.

Ben: He could have been acting.

Howard: Listen to Tom, Ben.

Tom looks smug as they leave the hall.

Intermission

Graxxelploi sniffling: You know all I've wanted in my life is to be loved.
When I was a kid, whenever I went somewhere people would yell "It's Bob!"
and run away. After I was so sad and lonely I changed my name to something
more loveable, Graxxelploi, but now people won't even say my name the call
me "The Big Evil Nasty Bad Guy". I'm not really evil, I just need more
love. Heros come and yell "Come out and fight, Big Evil Nasty Bad Guy" and
when I don't because I'm really a good person deep down, they come in, hunt
me down, and attack ruthlessly, forcing me to defend myself. After it all
ends my evil reputation just get bigger.

Graxxelploi then breaks down in tear. Suddenly several guys run on screen.

Guy1: There he is!
Guy2: Attaaack!

The guys all fall over.

Graxxelploi: See what I mean?

Act II, Scene III

Inside Gidhailla Castle

Our heroes are walking down a hallway.  Howard is carrying his sword.

The party reaches a door, they all stop.

Thomas: Well y'all, I'm going to find myself a poisoner.

Rest: Good luck.  We'll stay in the rooms for a while.

Rest walks into room.  Tom walks down the hall.  He stops a servant who is carrying a tray.

Thomas: Sir, is anyone allowed to give the king food, without any tasters tasting it?

Servant: No sir.

Thomas: Is anyone here a follower of the Big Nasty Evil Bad Guy?

Servant: Not that I know of sir.

Thomas: Who would want to kill the king?

Servant: None I know.  Sir, are you sure the king was poisoned?  I mean, it is possible that he just got ill.

Thomas: Did you kill the king?

Servant emphatically: No sir!

Thomas: Oh well.  Thank you for your cooperation.

Servant bobs a bow and scurries down the hall.  Another servant, pushing a broom, comes around the corner.  Tom stops him.

Thomas: Excuse me sir, but is anyone here a follower of the Big Evil Nasty Bad Guy?

Servant2: Actually, I do happen to be one of "The Boss's" followers.

Tom stares at the man for a long time.  During this wait two soldiers, with swords, cross the screen fighting for some unknown reason.

Thomas: You are?

Servant2: You bet.  It offers a great retirement plan, the wages are great, and "The Boss" is very friendly and accommodating.  I am required by company policy to give you an application form if you're not a member.  Are you?

Tom shakes his head and the servant pulls out a paper and gives it to him.

Servant2: Now, you need three references to fill out the form, and you need to give one good reason why you should be allowed to join.

Thomas: This is all very complicated.  I thought if you wanted to join you just became a follower, and I must say I don't want to join.

Servant2: Well, that was all you used to need to do, but we got all sorts of riff-raff, so we just made joining harder.  And please just take the form.  I have to give it to you anyway.

Tom takes the paper, and the servant leaves.  After staring at the paper he tosses it in a garbage can and walks back to the room.  When he gets there he goes in.  Laying about the room are a few chairs, a table, a clock, and a self.

Thomas: I had a very weird experience just now.

Cara: What happened?

Thomas: Well I asked this servant if there were any of the Big Evil Nasty Bad Guy's followers in the castle, and the guy just straight out says, 'Well I am'.  It takes me totally off guard.  On top of that he just hands me an application and tells me how to join.

Rest: Weird.

Thomas: Well I'm off to bed.  Goodnight.

Howard: Me too.

The cast heads off for bed.

Act II, Scene IV

Room

Prince Robert and a Nazgûl sit down at the table that has a lantern on top.

Nazgûl: So, did you poison the king?

Robert: Of course I did.  How did you think he died?

Nazgûl: Um, well, I don't know.  So when are you going to take the throne?

Robert: When I'm good and ready, okay?  But for now I need to kidnap the heroine.  It's my job as Nae'blis.

Nazgûl: Yes, it is, Nae'blis, but I'm "The Boss's" messenger right now.

Robert: Well, what is the message?

Nazgûl: You are to kidnap the heroine tonight, then ride for Shayol Mishrak-dûr.

Robert: That is what I was going to do!  Isn't it obvious!

Nazgûl: "The Boss" just wanted to make sure.

Robert: Well, you just tell "The Boss" to leave me alone.  I don't need his interference.  It just makes my job harder.

The Nazgûl grins broadly, and Robert's eyes grow wide as it dawns on him just what he said.

Robert: Uh, don't tell him that.  Tell him that his faithful Nae'blis will do just what he orders, and is glad for his help.

The Nazgûl looks disappointed, but nods its head.

Nazgûl: Yes, great Nae'blis, I shalt see thee anon!  Fare thee well!

As the Nazgûl leaves he somehow manages to smack the doorframe with his head.  Robert bursts out laughing.

Robert: Well, actually the King just got sick.

Luckily, the Nazgûl has left, so it didn't hear that.  Servant2 enters just after the Nazgûl leaves.

Servant2: Your Highness, one of your visitors seems interested in becoming one of Torak's followers.

Robert starts laughing again.  The servant looks abashed.

Robert: Wrong story.

Servant2: Sorry, I mean Graxxelploi's followers.

Robert: Which one may want to join?  Besides, you're supposed to say "The Boss".

Servant2: The Thomas one.

Robert laughs for a third time.  The servant looks even more abashed.

Robert: That's the hero.  Heroes never go over to the bad guy.  At least if they do, they go back to the good guys at the end.  He was probably messing with your mind.

Act II, Scene V

The Cast's room.

The three male heroes are sitting around the room.

Ben: Cara's not in her room.

Howard: We have got to find her.  She cannot have been kidnapped yet.  Let us search the castle.  She must be somewhere inside.

They all leave the room.  Set camera on clock; move clock forward a few hours.  Party enters the room.

Howard: I see no one has found her.  She must have been kidnapped.

Ben and Thomas: No!

Howard: It was going to happen sooner or later.

Thomas: Well, yeah, but you're supposed to be horrified.

Ben: Yeah!

Howard: Sorry, I must have forgotten.

Thomas: I also found out that the Prince is gone too.

Howard: This looks like the work of the Nae'blis.

Ben and Thomas: Huh?

Howard: Gra-

Ben and Thomas: Don't say that name!

Howard: You-Know-Who's top boot-licker.

Ben and Thomas: Ohhh.

Howard: We must go to Shayol Mishrak-dûr.

They all leave the room for the stables.

Act III, Scene I

On a road.

Our three intrepid heroes are riding their fake horses down a road.  On their sides are swords.

Thomas: Howard, how do we find the Shayol Mishrak-dûr?

Howard: Easy.  We just keep on heading in this direction.  After a while the director will get bored of this and put Shayol Mishrak-dûr in our path.

Thomas: Wow, that's interesting.

Ben: What are we going to do when we reach Shayol Mishrak-dûr?

Howard: Well, we sneak inside, fight gobs of evil minions, get split up, one of us finds Cara with the Nae'blis and rescues her, the others go and fight Gra-, You-Know-Who.

Tom and Ben nod.  They ride for awhile, and then suddenly Shayol Mishrak-dûr appears in front of them.

Thomas: It worked Howard!  The director really did get bored!

Howard: Of course it worked, I know what I'm doing.  Now we need to sneak inside.  See that hole in the wall?  We will slide through that.

They all dismount and tie up their horses.  All three creep up to the hole.  Then Ben, Tom, and Howard, in that order, go through.  They get up and see gobs of evil minions that for some reason have not attacked yet.  Drawing their swords they go and fight them. They kill lots, but they get separated early on.  All the evil minions have a sword and are wearing black cloaks.

Thomas: Come on, Ben, we need to find the Big Evil Nasty Bad Guy.

Ben: Okay.

They run down the hallway, and finally come to a big evil looking doorway.

Ben: This must be the Big Evil Nasty Bad Guy's room.

Thomas: Then we must go in.

Act III, Scene II

A room inside Shayol Mishrak-dûr.

Prince Robert and Cara are inside a room.  Cara is sitting in a chair at a table.  Across from her is another chair.  Robert is pacing.

Robert: Cara, why won't you listen to me?  If we leave now we can get back to my castle and have a happy life.  Your friend Thomas will beat Graxxelploi, heroes always win in these stories.  I'll be free of him, Graxy Boy, and everything will work out nicely.  I've even got a priest in the castle, he can marry us when we get back.

Cara: But if Thomas wins, then I have to marry him.  That's what the heroine does.  I'd really rather go with you.  You really are a rather nice person.  It's a shame.

Robert: About marrying Thomas, look at it this way: Who is writing this?

Cara: The great and mighty Marfresbo, writer supreme.

Robert: Now if great'an'mighty Marfresbo is writing this, what are Thomas's chances of survival?

Cara: Rather low, but so are ours.  And it's also in a heroine's job description to tell the bad guy she won't marry him.

Robert: Doh! I can't believe I forgot that.  Now since I am Nae'blis I must threaten you to do my will.  Is that okay?

Cara: Well, since you have to, I guess so.

Robert: Cara, if you don't come with me and get married, I am going to torture you!

Robert walks over to the door, opens it, and says something to somebody on the other side.

Cara: Never!  I shall never marry you!

Robert: Well then, I shall have to use the red hot poker on you.  Servant, bring in the red hot poker.

There is a gurgling sound on the other side of the door.  It then bursts open and Howard jumps through, carrying his sword.

Howard: Evil villain, hand the maid over!

Cara sarcastically: Oh yippee I am saved!

Robert in very bored voice: Ha!  Foolish hero I shall crush you.

Howard attacks.  He flails the sword at Robert, but it always stops in mid air.

Cara: Howard, that is really pathetic.

Howard: Something's stopping my swings.

Cara: That is the worst excuse I've ever heard.

Robert: Cara, I didn't tell you this: I am a magician.

Cara and Howard give him a look.  Howard then attacks again with the  same results.

Robert: I might as well finish this.

Robert waves his hand, and Howard stiffens and falls over.  Cara looks at Howard.

Cara: That was my rescue party.  The others will be on their way to the Big Evil Nasty Bad Guy's room, so I might as well tell you.

Robert: Tell me what?

Cara: That I've thought it over and what you said makes sense, and since my rescue got botched, I probably won't get another.  I'm going to accept your offer.

Robert: The horses are this way.

They get up and leave the room.

Act III, Scene III

Graxxelploi's room

Ben and Tom are standing inside the door of Graxxelploi's room.  There in front of them is a man shaped figure in a black cloak with a red mask.  All three of them are holding swords.

Ben and Thomas: Big Evil Nasty Bad Guy!

The figure draws its sword and advances on them slowly.  Ben and Tom respond by drawing their swords.

Thomas: Don't make me hurt you.

Ben: Tom, this is the Big Evil Nasty Bad Guy.  He is not going to be easy to hurt.

Thomas: Well, yeah, but it sound so cool.

Ben: I agree.

Graxxelploi is right in front of them.  He stops and raises his sword.

Graxxelploi stopping after each syllable except in the maniacal laughter: I am evil, Mwahahaha!!

He keeps laughing maniacally for a long time.  Tom and Ben, with their swords held out to defend themselves, start looking bored.  Tom starts fidget.  Graxxelploi keeps laughing.  Tom finally raises his sword and stabs Graxxelploi.  They both stiffen and fall over.  Ben goes and checks Tom's pulse.

Ben: Bugger, he's dead.

Suddenly a bunch of evil minions burst into the room.  They look at the bodies of Tom and Graxxelploi.

Minions: You ruined all our plans.

Ben: Bugger.

The evil minions attack Ben, Ben kills a lot of them, but Ben gets killed.

Act III, Scene IV

Gidhailla

Prince Robert and Cara ride into Gidhailla.

Robert: This is a happy day my people, I have found a bride.

Extras: Yayy!

Cara steps forward.

Robert: Here is my fiancée, Cara of some miniscule village far away.

Extras: Yayy!

Robert: Where is the priest?  We will get married right away.

The Priest runs forward.  The camera turns off.

The camera turns on and you see the narrator.

Narrator: A Very Cheesy Fantasy is now over.  King Robert and Queen Cara lived happily ever after.  Goodnight.  Come back next time for A Very Cheesy Fantasy II.  By the way I am very sorry I disappeared for a while.  I had to pick up some milk for my wife.