Neon Genesis Evangelion:
The Darkness Emerges
By Doffman
Yet again, this has nothing to do with the plot of NGETDE. I just threw this in for fun. Everyone is all like, "Doff, get on with the plot already!" And I'm all like, "Make me!" And they're all like, "Okay!" as they break out their stilettos and pieces.
Now, to this, I'm all like, "Come on guys! I just did three chapters this week!" but they're all like, "It was only recap you dumb bitch! You threw that together in one afternoon! Write more or we'll have Tiny bust a cap!" and I'm all like, "Just try it, punk! If you kill me, whose gonna finish the story?" and Tiny's all like, "You don't need your kneecaps to finish a fanfic, do you?" and I'm all like, "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" and they're all like, "Ahahahahahahaha!" at me so I'm all like, "Die you filthy bastards!" and I rip out my Uzi and waste them all! And that's what helped me decide to do this instead of the next chapter.
And now, you are scared, yes? Good. That's what I was going for.
Note: Yumi will not possess a mallet in the original plot.
Misato:
Shinji's Birthday
"Hey, Shinji-kun… Wake up…" Asuka breathed into his ear. Every muscle in his body grew stiff, and yet liquefied at the same time. "I got a surprise for you…" Asuka said, reaching down his pants.
This caused Shinji to leap out of bed. "Asuka, you know that Misato said we can't…t…t…t…t" Shinji said as he looked at Asuka. She was wearing an almost completely transparent blue nightgown that stopped at the top of her thighs.
"You like?" Asuka said, doing a spin that caused the nightgown to spin with her, giving Shinji a very nice view… "You wouldn't mind if this was your birthday present, would you?"
"Nu-uh…" Shinji said, eyes focused on other areas than Asuka's face.
"Well?" Asuka asked impatiently.
"Well, What?" Shinji asked dumbly.
"Aren't you going to open it?" Asuka asked.
"What do you mean?" Shinji asked. Asuka slid up to him and pressed her body against Shinji
"One usually takes the wrapping paper off their present BEFORE they look at it…" Asuka whispered, causing Shinji to have a nosebleed. Asuka sighed.
"What a dull boy…" Asuka said, leaving the room with a sway in her step.
***
"Hey, Shinji! Morning! I made you breakfast in bed!" Misato set the plate down on Shinji's bed.
"T-that's okay Misato! I-I'm not hungry right now!" Shinji protested.
"But it's really good! I made it especially for you!" Misato said, setting the 'food' on his lap.
"I-I'm not hungry right now! R-Really!" Shinji said with an awkward smile.
"Just a bite… Please, Shinji-kun?" Misato asked with puppy dog eyes. Shinji sweatdropped and took a bite. He immediately ran out of the room, the spiciness of the dish casing his eyes to water.
"Tears of joy that I could make him something so delicious…" Misato whispered happily as she took the plate back to the kitchen.
***
"Shinji, Asuka! I'm heading out for a bit! I need to talk to Kaji! I'll be right back!" Misato called before leaving the apartment.
"I can't believe she's going out to drink on my birthday." Shinji said with a sigh. Asuka smiled, still in her sexy undergarment. She sashayed over next to him and whispered in his ear.
"Let her have her fun. Meanwhile, we're in the house aloooone…" Asuka said in a seductive tone her breath brushing gently against his ear. "And we can have OUR fun…" Asuka moved Shinji's hands to her butt as she began to nibble on his ear.
"Knock knock." Drac said as he opened the door to the apartment. Upon seeing his position with Asuka, he screamed. "Go, Shinji!" Rei immediately smacked him on the back of the head. Shinji immediately put great distance between Asuka and himself.
"I'm sorry, guys. Drac has that habit…" Rei apologized.
"It's alright. We'll finish this later, Shinji-kun…" Asuka teased. "Excuse me, but I have to get changed. I'll be right back." Asuka said, leaving the room. When she left, Drac grinned like the Cheshire Cat.
"Shinji, you hound!" Drac said before Rei cuffed him again. "Er… I mean… Happy Birthday."
"That's better." Rei said. "Happy birthday, Shinji. We've got presents." Rei said, placing them on the table of the kitchen.
"Door's open." Kensuke said as he popped into the living room.
"Hey, Shinji." Allen said, carrying three boxes, varying in size.
"Put them on the table, Allen." Yumi pointed to the table that had two presents on it already. Asuka came out of the room, gave Allen a glare, and sat down on Shinji's lap. She realized that this upset Shinji, so she smiled and leaned up against him.
"Asuka…" Shinji said, red as a beet. Everyone else snickered.
"That's alright. We don't mind. We're actually being entertained by the various color changes in your face." Kensuke said, suppressing his urge to laugh out loud.
"That looks like fun. Drac, sit down." Rei said, pushing him down on the couch and sitting on his lap with her arms around his neck.
"Look everyone. Their faces are changing colors in sync." Allen said, referring to Drac and Shinji.
"Coming in!" Touji said.
"No, you are not! Knock the door and wait for someone to answer!" Hikari said.
"But the door's open!" Touji said defensively.
"It's rude! I'd expect that behavior from Kensuke, but not from you!" Hikari scolded.
"Hey!" Kensuke shouted, hurt.
"But you did burst in without announcing yourself." Yumi said, moving to motion Hikari and Touji in.
"Who's the more foolish!? The fool or the fool how follows him!?" Kensuke shouted after her.
Everyone cringed when they heard the squeal of breaks with a loud crash following it. After several minutes, Misato found herself on the scene.
"Hey, Shinji! *Hic* You ready for yer burthdae purdy?" Misato said, dragging herself in a drunken stupor across the floor.
"…Misato? Are you drunk?" Shinji asked, knowing the answer. He was disappointed in Misato because he, at least, expected her to be sober enough to attend his party, however Man has always failed to meet their expectations since the dawn of time, so Shinji wasn't affected too much.
"No, ocifer! Not drinking was I! Always look I this like…" She said before collapsing on her face. The entire gang had collected in order to have a party, and, since their party planner was now comatose on the floor, Asuka dug through Misato's purse for money while Kensuke searched her body for any loose change.
When Rei made it known that she doubted any change was hidden in Misato's bra, Kensuke pointed out that it was the best place to hide something of value, due to the fact that no one would find it short of a strip search. Allen thought that this was closer to a strip TEASE, and made his opinion know, which caused Kensuke to halt his perverted acts of searching Misato's panties.
"Misato has 1,000,000 yen in her purse right now." Asuka stated in a business like fashion. "Are there any objections to blowing it all on food and fun?" Asuka asked energetically. Both Rei and Hikari stood.
"Yes. Don't you think Misato will be upset when she finds out that we spent all of her money?" Rei asked. Hikari agreed.
"And besides, stealing is wrong! What kind of people are we if we take every single yen piece from someone who can't defend themselves?" Hikari nodded. Asuka walked in between them, and put an arm around each of their shoulders.
"Listen, girls. Firstly, what Misato never knows, won't hurt her. She'll think she accidentally spent it all on beer. Secondly, she was probably going to spend it on Shinji's Birthday party anyway. Thirdly, and foremost, We're thinking about Shinji's feelings here." Asuka said matter-of-factly. "If we don't have any money, what kind of birthday would this BE for Shinji? This is supposed to be a happy occasion! Let's not bicker about who killed who*!"
{*Ach, wait! That's a line from Monty Python, and has no relevance to Asuka's reasoning… Ah, what the hell. No one is going to read this anyway, because it's not part of the main plot. Plus, I'm too lazy to change it, so I'll just leave it…}
"I… I guess…" Hikari said shakily. Drac poked Rei in the arm, informing her that she would be what is called a party crasher if she didn't agree, so she sighed and gave in. Asuka squealed with glee.
"Alright! So what are we going to do with roughly 10,000 American dollars?" Asuka asked Shinji, causing him to rear back.
"Why are you asking me?!" Shinji asked, panicked. Asuka rolled her eyes.
"Because it's your party, dumkoff! Honestly! Why do I put up with you?" Asuka asked no one in particular.
"Is it because you find me incredibly sexy?" Shinji supplied. Asuka shook her head.
"No, that's not it. You're not sexy at all." Asuka teased, putting a hand to her chin in mock thought. "I guess it must've been the hormones. And you DO have a big one…" Asuka commented offhandedly, causing Shinji to redden.
"Big what?" Hikari asked innocently. Touji began to explain to her.
"You see, Hikari, Asuka was referring to the size of his—" Touji stopped, getting hit in the head with a frying pan.
"What's that again, Touji?" Hikari asked, putting a hand to her ear.
"Nothing." Touji said, being suffocated with couch cushions by Asuka and Shinji.
"First things first." Drac prompted. "We must order pizza." Drac said, taking the role as party organizer. Asuka kicked him in the head, knocking him off the pedestal and taking it for her own.
"Alright! Who wants what?" Asuka said, breaking out a piece of paper and a pencil.
"Pepperoni, Ham, Mushrooms, and Bacon!" Allen called out. Drac stood and contradicted him.
"No way! There's gotta be Anchovies, too!" Drac amended.
"My god! Do you actually eat those things? They're baby fish!" Allen said, horrified.
"No better than eating a fungus! Did you know that they grow them on horse manure!?" Drac countered.
"No one in their right minds would eat anchovies on a pizza!" Allen shouted.
"No one but a freak would indirectly eat horse shit!" Drac yelled.
"WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?!" Allen screamed.
"I CALLED YOU A FREAK OF NATURE, YOU PANSY-FREAK!!" Drac hollered.
"KNOCK IT OFF!!" Yumi said, hitting them both in the face with a mallet by bouncing it off one face into the other.
"Damn, that hurt!" Allen shouted, clutching his face.
"Where did that mallet come from?" Drac asked, holding his head with both hands.
"From the way she acts most of the time, it probably came strait out of her ass…" Touji supplied, getting hit in the face with the mallet.
Eventually, everyone got the pizza topics that they wanted, and Drac even reminded everyone to get one with EXTRA anchovies for Pen Pen, much to the penguin's delight. Misato had since been moved to her room, and Allen pulled out a game he brought along to the party while they waited for the pizza to arrive.
"Right hand blue." Kensuke said instructively. "And, despite the fact that Rei is wearing a blue bra, Drac, I doubt grabbing her breast counts as a valid place to put your hands."
"Shinji, I feel left out! You grab MY breast now!" Asuka said seductively, causing Shinji to loose concentration, knocking over everyone except Asuka, who had been expecting it. "I win!"
"That's no fair! You cheated!" Shinji accused.
"I may have cheated, but I didn't lie…" Asuka said, jumping on top of Shinji's defenseless form, rubbing her body against his.
"Pen Pen wins!" Kensuke declared. Sure enough, Pen Pen was on the Twister board, attempting amiably to stay in position with Touji on his back. Asuka gaped.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" She cried out, declaring that the world was not fair.
Drac corrected her by saying that, since she had cheated, the world was, on truth, fair, and that she wasn't giving the world due credit.
"Oh, shut up!" She said, pouting and clinging to Shinji for support.
The pizza arrived, making Asuka forget of her victory that was harshly torn from her fingers.
Asuka ate her pizza, as well as half of Shinji's and anyone else's that she could manage to steal a slice from. An attempt on Pen Pen's pizza, however, almost proved to be deadly as he prepared to defend his pizza with his life. When the pizza was finished, everything grew quiet.
"So," Yumi asked, "What now?" Suddenly, Kensuke developed a sinister smile, and stood on the table.
"Alright guys! We have money to spare, and no adult supervision! What's keeping us in this house!?" Kensuke cried out. Everyone else in the room developed the same broad smile Kensuke had achieved.
After a half an hour, the whole crew, including Pen Pen and Misato's incapacitated form, were driving in a limousine down the street. Asuka pointed out a random dive*, and everyone crowded into the establishment.
{*Dive- n. A Restaurant, Pub, or Bar that has the appearance equal to or below that of a rat hole. Usually accompanying such establishments are furry humanoid beings that relate closer to the rodent than the primate on the evolutionary charts. Said people, known as bouncers, lack the ability to use intelligent speech, so in its stead they communicate via a series of grunts and howls. See also trash heap, garbage bin, or Star Bucks. For more information on Bouncers, see Vermin, Parasites, or Lawyers.}
"Umm… What was this place called again, Asuka-chan?" Shinji asked timidly. Asuka coughed.
"The… Er… Bucking Beaver…" Asuka replied, to which everyone sweatdropped.
The Children had obviously stumbled upon a rather risqué bar. Both Allen and Kensuke ran in the direction of the pole around which several scantily clad women were dancing, 10,000 yen bills waving in the air. Yumi dragged them out the door by their shirt collars, arms flailing in the air.
Everyone packed back into the limo as they told the driver to take them to the nearest arcade. Seeing as how the nearest arcade had been taken out in the last angel attack, they were forced to drive several miles out of the way. Upon arriving at the arcade, Kensuke nearly fell unconscious with pure joy.
"Drac, I want that!" Rei pointed to the huge stuffed teddy bear that was worth 1,000 tickets. "Get it for me PLEEEEEEEEEEEZ!" Rei pouted. Upon receiving the amount of tokens he was given by Asuka, he thought that it just might be a possibility…
Shinji fond himself playing, and loosing, against Asuka in an old Street Fighter Alpha game. Kensuke and Allen noticed that this particular arcade had laser tag… They both smiled, but agreed to wait until everyone else was ready, so they picked out a racing game and raced each other.
"No, Drac! Go for the 100 hole!" Rei said at the ball rolling game.
Yumi and Hikari were playing a cute game called Egg-sperience Shooter were you shot the bad eggs, but protected the good ones. Touji was about to go into the new VR game, but then decided that there were to many VR games in Eva Fanfics, so he played a pinball machine instead.
"Come on, Drac! Shoot the ball faster!" Rei whined at the basket ball game. "I want that teddy bear!"
"Drac is so henpecked." Allen said, crashing into a wall in the racing game.
"At least I'm not a freak who can't even win a racing game." Drac said casually.
"SAY THAT AGAIN! I DARE YOU!" Allen screamed. Yumi hit them both with her mallet.
"BEHAVE!" Yumi screamed, returning to her game with Hikari to find that she had lost. Allen comforted her sobbing form as she typed her name into the high scoring list.
"Hey, guys! I think we should try out the laser tag now!" Kensuke recommended. Allen seconded the motion. Meanwhile, Rei was squealing with joy as she hugged the teddy bear that was bigger than her.
***
*Zap**zap**zap**zap**zap**zap**zap**zap*
"Ack! Stop it!" Shinji cried. "At least wait 'til we start!" Shinji cried as EVERYONE shot him.
Everyone spread out, and the laser tag match began…
The rules were simple. The first person to hit everyone once was the winner.
"Freeze, Shinji." Asuka said as she poked her gun into his back. "Now… I wonder… What would you give me if I didn't shoot you, hmm?" She asked, running a hand across his chest. Shinji brought his foot up, kicked her gun out of her hand and shot her.
"Sorry, Asuka! Part of the game!" Shinji said, running off.
"BAKAAAAAAAA!" Asuka screamed. *zap**zap**zap**zap**zap**zap**zap**zap**zap*
Everyone else, hearing Asuka's scream, shot at her. "No! Stop!" Asuka cried. Following everyone's beam of light, Shinji shot them while they shot Asuka.
"The Game goes to Shinji." The points board said. "Number of shots/hits/times hit: Shinji 9/9/0 Asuka 0/0/534 Touji 54/37/2 Hikari 49/48/2 Yumi 48/48/2 Rei 16/0/70 Drac 75/75/2 Allen 75/75/2 Kensuke 324/323/1."
"All I had left was to hit Shinji, too." Kensuke said bitterly.
"I can't believe I had the same score as a freak." Drac said, letting off a sigh. Yumi preemptively hit both of them with her mallet.
"It's not fair! Everyone was shooting at me! I didn't know what I was supposed to do!" Rei cried.
"You weren't the one hit 534 times, sister!" Asuka shouted. "I don't want to play this game anymore! Let's go home!"
"I second the motion!" Rei said, pouting. "Everyone was mean to me!"
"I didn't shoot you, Rei." Drac pointed out. Rei grabbed his hand.
"Well, that's because you're my boyfriend." Rei smiled.
"Hey! I was the FIRST one Shinji shot! And HE is MY boyfriend!" Asuka pouted. "Shinji…" Asuka growled, but he was already in the limo. After she approached him with it, he shrugged.
"You were trying to get sexual favors by threatening me with a gun." Shinji said, insulted.
"Oh, right! Of course! I should have known!" Asuka hit herself in the head with her palm. "You would give me sexual favors for nothing!" Asuka said, causing Shinji to have a nosebleed. After a big, long, shaky speech about how Shinji 'Wasn't that kind of guy', they arrived at the apartment again.
"Cake and presents! I called a bakery before we left, and the cake should arrive at any time! You can open up your presents now, and then we'll eat cake and Ice cream!" Asuka said happily.
"Open mine first!" Rei said, shoving it into his hands. Shinji slowly untied the bow, removed the tape, and unfolded the wrapping paper so as not to tear it. "What are you doing?" Rei asked.
"I'm opening the gift…" Shinji said, opening the box. What he found was a new pair of pants, and a T-shirt with Rage Against the Machine on it.
"Hey! I have a shirt like that too!" Drac exclaimed as he went into his bag and put it on.
{So there, Styphon! Now whacha gonna do?!? Haha! I am all powerful! My characters wear what I want them to wear! I could have Ritsuko walk into the room in a bunny outfit if I wanted to! HAHAHAHAHAH! Hmm… Actually…}
A knock came at the door. Asuka answered it, and escorted Ritsuko in. "Happy Birthday, Shinji!" She said with a wink as she walked into the room wearing a bunny outfit.
{SEE!? I am all-powerful! There is nothing you can do now! I control ALL!!! AHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (Lucca is so cool…)}
Ritsuko suddenly disappears with a puff of smoke, and no one remembers her being there.
"Here! Open mine next!" Hikari insists. As Shinji begins his unwrapping process, Yumi begins to shout, "TEAR IT! TEAR THE GODDAMNED WRAPPING PAPER, YOU BASTARD!!!" Shinji rips the paper to shreds. Afterwards, Shinji sat there with two handfuls of wrapping paper and a very distressed look on his face. "See? Much faster." Yumi said with a smile.
"A frying pan?" Shinji asked.
"You're always cooking for Asuka and Misato, so I thought I'd get you a non-stick frying pan." Hikari said. "It came with cute little bunny gloves and a baby chick apron!" She smiled, pointing to the baby birds saying 'Piyo!'.
"That's… Very nice, Hikari…" he said, putting the pan on the stove. Next came Drac's gift.
"It's very long, isn't it?" Shinji asked. Drac motioned for him to open it. "A… Stick?"
"Not a stick. A Quarterstaff. It even has your name engraved into it. See?" Drac pointed to it. "This is how you use it." Drac picked up the staff, spun it around in his hand, and bludgeoned Allen in the head, then the gut, then the kneecaps, knocking him down.
"Er… T-that's very… Um." Shinji said, taking the stick.
Then came Allen's gift.
"A stun gun?" Shinji asked, sweatdropping.
"What's wrong with that? Just watch." Allen picks up the stun gun and zaps Drac in the back. "See? It works." He said, pointing to Drac in a seizure state on the floor.
"Um… Very nice, Allen…" Shinji said, using the quarterstaff he was given earlier to poke Drac back to life. Kensuke took out his gift.
"A new laptop. Thanks, Kensuke." Shinji said, finally relieved that he received a present that he actually wanted.
"My gift next!" Yumi cried, giving him her gift.
"Sheet music… For the violin…" Shinji said.
"That's what you play, right?" Yumi asked.
"Um… Actually, I play the cello…" Shinji said, scratching the back of his head. Yumi grabbed the papers from his hands and ran out the door.
"Where is she going?" Touji asked.
"Probably to exchange it…" Allen said, suppressing a laugh.
"Mine's last, I guess." Touji said, giving him his present. Shinji opens them, and his eyes bug out of his head before he closes the box quickly.
"What is it?" Drac asks.
"NOTHING! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!" Shinji shouts. "Touji, I can't believe you! Take them back!" Shinji holds the box away from himself. Asuka grabs it and looks inside.
"Hentai mags. Very thoughtful of you, Touji!" Asuka said sarcastically, putting the box on the table.
The Cake never arrived, so they all settled with the chocolate Ice Cream.
After that, everyone left. Allen wondered where Yumi was, but decided that she would be fine on her own. After everyone left, Asuka closed the door slowly.
"And now, Shinji, it's time for YOUR present…" Asuka said, licking her lips as she looked at him.
***
Yumi bought the sheet music as quick as she could before running back to Shinji's house. She quickly opened the door and took out the sheet music.
"Hey, Shinji! I got you the OH MY GOD!" Yumi screamed.
End of Misato's Chapter
I'm sure that you're wondering, "Why is this Misato's ending? She's not in it at all!"
Well, this event was sponsored by Misato, and I had to give her rightful credit.