This was an idea of mine…. But I never really got it going. So here we have something I hope is vaguely funny… PS. I haven't read Squire. I almost NEVER buy a book in hardcover- even the best. So I guess I'll have to wait. *sigh*.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of Tamora Pierce's stuff, so don't sue me. I also do not own Pringles, or the song Bitchney Spears by Weird Al.
The Scandal Files: Alanna
King Jonathan reclined in his hammock, sipping lemonade. Beside him were Lord Wyldon of Cavall, Numair, Sir Gareth of Naxen, Prime Minister (the younger), and Sir Raoul of Goldenlake, Knight Commander of the King's Own. They were all settled down, quite relaxed, indulging in some 'guy talk'.
"Hey, Raoul," said Jon. "What dirt have you got on Alanna?
Raoul tossed some Pringles in his mouth and crunched them thoughtfully. "Well, technically, I'm not supposed to tell you…"
"Aw, come on!" the other guys whined. "Tell us!"
He grinned. "All right." He reached into the bag at his side and pulled out a large bra, and tossed it around. The guys gave cat-calls and laughs, noting the large amounts of flim-flam and lace.
"The padding on this thing is like an inch thick!" Said Raoul. "Whose is this?"
Raoul smothered outright laughter. "Alanna's."
The guys hooted and passed the brazier around, tossing it in the air. Wyldon caught it and swung it around for a while, then put it on.
"Hel-lo, boys!" He said in a falsetto voice, batting his eyelashes. "Anyone need a bedwarmer?" Wyldon giggled, and pranced about in a circle.
Then George came in.
He stalked over to Wyldon, and put out one hand. "Give it over." Wyldon choked back hysterics and took it off, handing it to George.
George shook his head in disbelief. "You guys all suck! This is how you mock Alanna." George then put on the bra, and started singing.
"Oh booby booby, my chest was supposed to grow
My cleavage wasn't right, no
Oh booby booby
My breasts are completely faux
And now my sweater's tight!"
He swung his hips in a provocative manner, and continued singing as high as he could.
"My chest flatness was killin' me
I must confess- I paid for these
(paid for these)"
George was now sitting in Gary's lap, stoking his hair. (***A/N: Oh, George, we never knew!***)
"Make my boobies one more size!"
Then Alanna came in.
She stalked up to George, and growled, "What is the meaning of this?!?"
George blushed and stuttered, "Uh, I think this is yours…" he handed her the bra.
Alanna snatched it from his grip, and turned it over in her hands. "You idiots! This isn't my bra!"
"Then whose is it?" Jon taunted.
Alanna stared at him, straight in the eye. "You dimbulb, this is Thayet's bra!" Jon turned beet red.
"Aw, Al," George teased. "We all knew that. Your bras have twice as much padding."
Alanna, blushing furiously, threw the bra in his face and stalked out, hysterical laughter following her.
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Ok, so that was weird. I hope it provided some kind of entertainment for you people!