I'm ba-ack! And the latest one is sooooo twisted… Jon fans, kill me now… Thayet fans, wait in line… and a few other fans that if I said, it would give it all away… More OOCness. I simply cannot write a good humor fic with everyone in character. I just can't. Whatever, enjoy. Warning: very, very, VERY sick. Even borderline R, though I still think PG13 is best.
_______________________________________________________________________
The Scandal Files: Jon & Thayet
Queen Thayet of Tortall edged around the wall, peering around the corner. If Jon saw her…
He'd been suspicious lately, and with cause. Thayet hadn't been as vigorous in bed lately, and she hoped he'd chalk it all up to old age. Little did he know she was having a secret affair…
It wasn't the kind of affair that you could walk away from with a rap on the knuckles. If Jon found out, Thayet was facing divorce and/or forced abdication. Buri and Onua knew about it- but they'd promised to keep their mouths shut, as they had their own dark secrets as well. (***A/N: hint hint, I'm gonna do chapters on them, too***)
Thayet slowly opened the door to her and Jon's rooms…
~*~
Jon moaned in pleasure, running his tongue up and down his secret lover's body. Ooh, this one was good, very good. So much better than Thayet, these days. She had just lost her oomph. That little special something that made her great in bed. Ah, well, he'd only married her for her looks, anyway. Not that she knew that! I swear, he thought, women will believe anything you say. 'I love you, I am ever yours, my darling, ah, that blowjob is heavenly…' so gullible. Ever so gullible. Speaking of blowjob, the one he was getting right now was masterful- this lover must have studied it for years, to bring it to such an art.
He was shaken from the throes of sexual passion by the opening of the door.
Oh, crap! He thought. Not Thayet! Anyone else would have knocked- but if she comes in- with me in this position- oh, gods, I am gonna be screwed! He paused to think. Oh wait- I am.
Thayet opened the door and looked around cautiously, as if to check that there was no one there. Her eyes moved past the bed- and flicked back, wide-eyed, double-taking this embarrassing scene.
"Oh. My. Gods." The Queen of Tortall just stood there, door wide open, staring at her husband and his lover. Some stray courtiers in the hall came to see what she was staring at, and then stood behind her, transfixed with a mix of horror, disgust, shock, hysterics, and amusement.
"Oh. My. Gods." She repeated. "Sir Joren of Stone Mountain, why are you sucking my husband's dick!?"
The King disentangled himself from Joren, standing up to face Thayet. He was completely nude, causing some of the female courtiers to blush and avert their eyes, and others to stare at his willy in fascination.
"I suppose my sexual desires must disgust some of you," he said, "But yes, I am a bi."
Joren took that moment to run out of the room stark naked, both hands over his privates. The courtiers moved aside to let him through.
Mutters came from the small crowd that had gathered here. "What about Joren?" someone asked.
Jon blinked. "Oh yeah. He's gay."
"Oh, darn," Kel muttered.
"I demand you abdicate in my favor!" Thayet said. "This has put the entire name of Conté to shame! How dare you- you-"
"Ah, but Thayet, dear," Jonathan raised a finger. "You have yet to tell these good people about your little affair.
The crowd gasped collectively, and heated arguments began.
"Yes, Thayet," Jonathan continued, motioning for silence, "You seem to have forgotten your rather unseemly affair- with Tkaa!"
The crowd broke into yelling arguments at that, as Tkaa pushed his way through the masses of people. He put his arm around Thayet's shoulders protectively. "Do you want to dispute my relationship with Thayet, mortal?"
"Call me mortal, will you, you- you rock-head!"
"Oh yeah? You wanna make somethin' out of it?" Tkaa balled his claws into fists as he and Jonathan circled each other menacingly.
"Pimp!"
"Wuss!"
"Gigolo!"
"Sissy!"
"Alanna wannabe!"
That was what set it off. Jon lunged at Tkaa, punching and kicking like a maniac. Tkaa backed up and Jon jeered, but his retreat was only to pick up a chair from behind him and throw it in Jon's face, then leaping on top of him.
"Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!" the crowd yelled.
Tkaa flipped Jon over and twisted both arms behind his back, and Jon whined like a baby. "Mercy! Mercy! Uncle! Uncle! JEST FRIGGIN' LET ME GO!!!"
Tkaa twisted harder, and Jon yelped. "Only if you willingly crown me King, with Thayet at my side."
"Anything! Anything!" Jon said, tears running down his cheeks. "Just let me go!"
"Do I have your oath?" Tkaa twisted harder.
"Anything! I swear forever just let me goooooooo! MOMMY!"
Tkaa released Jonathan, where the ex-King of Tortall lay whimpering on the floor.
"I am your new King!" Tkaa yelled, and the crowd cheered.
"Uh- wait a sec-" Daine said. "How can an immortal rule mortal people?"
Tkaa shrugged. "To hell with that. I am your new King!" he said, and the crowd cheered again.
________________________________________________________________________
Oh, dear gods, I loved that! Whatever anyone thinks, I was laughing my ass off all through writing that. Review!