Well, since ffn is going to be out for a while, I might as well do some more stuff. I'm not quite sure how I'm going to lay out this one, I'm just doing it word by word. Whatever, hope it's good! Plus I have no idea if Neal can whistle. PS, though I haven't read Squire, this is staged after Squire.
This chapter is sooo weird, it doesn't even make sense after the first page. You have been warned!
The Scandal Files: Neal
Neal walked along the Corus streets, whistling a cheerful tune as he turned into an alley called Sloure. No one knew he was here, and that's the way he wanted it to stay. A short ways into the alley, he opened a door to the right. The door was moldy and rotting off its hinges, but this was merely to camouflage what lay within. He entered a second door and walked into a cozy room with a roaring fireplace, and was immediately waited on by the Mistress, who took his jacket and hat and placed them on the rack by the inner door.
"Who shall it be tonight, young master?" The Mistress Thia said.
"Hmm…" Neal pondered. "I feel like someone different tonight. I need variety."
"You're just in luck." The Mistress bobbed her head. "We have a new girl today, who just switched Houses. I think you'll like her."
Neal smiled. "Excellent!" he dropped two silver coins into the Mistress's waiting hand, and climbed the familiar stairs.
"Third door to your right!" she called after him.
Neal reached the top on the staircase and counted the doors until he got to the third. He knocked politely, and waited for the girl to answer.
The door opened, and a tall, lithe woman stepped out. She was wearing next to nothing, save some strategically placed scarves. And yet, somehow she looked familiar… She grinned slyly and grabbed his arm, pulling him inside- she was stronger than she looked.
Neal enjoyed this one very much- she knew his every desire.
"I hope you enjoyed that as much as I." She said when they were done.
Then it clicked. When he finally heard her voice-
"Kel!"
Keladry shrugged. "Hey, I gotta make money somehow. And you seemed to enjoy it."
"No kidding." After a two-hour session with her, Neal could barely move.
"Just keep it quiet, okay?" Neal nodded.
~*~
It was a week later, and Neal had chosen Kel every night- the Mistress had upped the price for her, but man, was it worth it.
Tonight he was trying something different. It was Kel's day off, and she was in her rooms doing whatever it is knights do in their spare time.
Neal came to her door, rapped three times, and waited for her to come out. She opened the door, and Neal produced from behind his back a big bouquet of roses.
"Did you steal those from the Palace gardens?" Kel accused.
Neal turned red and mumbled something incomprehensible, then invited himself in, closing the door behind him.
"Neal, I can't say your presence is welcome. I've got a lot of work to catch up on, so this had better be good."
Neal decided to take some drastic action- this wasn't going at all the way he had planned it. He rushed forward and took Kel in his arms. "Well?" he said, "How about it?
"Neal, it's my day off."
"Can you not do it for love?"
Suddenly Kel pushed him away. "No, evil knight! Kisseth me not!"
"But Kel-"
"Fie on you, who would spoil my virgin flesh!"
"Virgin flesh?"
"But no!" Kel put her hand to her breast. "I shall be loyal to my man, my One True Love." Somehow she even managed to say the capitals.
"One true love-"
"My honorable knight, who shineth in his armor bright-"
"Shineth?'
"He is loyal, handsome, dashing-"
"Kel-"
"Wonderous, brave, kind-"
"Kel, who is this-"
"Chaste, moral, stumpy-"
Neal blinked. "Wait a minute- stumpy?" Then it clicked. "Kel, are you having an affair with Wyldon of Cavall?"
The door burst open at that very moment, and Lord Wyldon of Cavall came to his lover's side. "Feareth not, Fair Maiden!" he said. "Is this Dishonorable Man seeking to Soileth you with his Foul Ways?"
"Soileth?" Neal blinked again, as if said action would make him wake up or something.
"Backeth off, Demon of the Darkness!" Wyldon bellowed. "Stayeth awayeth from my One True Love!"
Neal backed away slowly. "Uh…"
"Thou Evil Arm of Chaos! I shall Cleanse thee with my Sacred Sword!" still speaking in capitals, Wyldon whipped out a huge dick- and in black ink, 'Ex-Caliber' was written on it.
Suddenly something completely overtook Neal. "Mua ha ha ha ha!" he laughed. "Little did you knoweth I was having an affair with yon fair maiden!" he said, drawing his dick as well- and suddenly he noticed Kel was wearing a long, flowing dress with hair down to her waist.
"She will beareth thee no child!" Neal continued. "Little did you know that your fair wife was barren! She loveth me more than thee, you who calleth yourself King! And I have the aid of one who will killeth you given half a chance!"
Suddenly Cleon burst into the room, waving his dick. "Faaaather!" he cried.
"Stayeth Awayeth from me, Mordred! Touch not my Fair Gwynhefar!"
"No, Arthur, I shall not! As I am destined to killeth you, so I will!" Cleon ran forward and decapitated Wyldon with one chop.
"Now, my beloved!" Neal swept Kel into his arms. "Telleth me you never loved that man!"
"No, fair Lancelot," she said. "I haveth eyes onlyeth for you."
Then Lalasa burst into the room. "Ah, you have killethed my dear brother!" she said. "Oh, woe that I was ever born! Poor, dear, Arthur, you nevereth hadeth a chance!" And Lalasa bore Wyldon away.
"Waseth that not Morgan le Fay?" Cleon said.
"But Mordred!" Neal said. "You are supposed to beth dead byeth now!"
"Alas!" Cleon mourned. "I can remembereth not who was supposed to haveth killethed me!"
"I canneth solveth that problem," Neal said, and killed Cleon.
Suddenly everything halted to a stop.
"Cut, cut, cut, CUT!" came a voice. "Who the hell wrote this- some Tamora pierce fan who can't even remember how The Once and Future King was supposed to end!?!
I gave a little cough. "Uh… yeah…"
"And Lancelot wasn't evil!!"
I sighed. "Allright. None of this ever happened. It was all a dream. It was all a dream…"
~*~
Kel woke up suddenly, then lay back down on the bed, relieved. "It was all a dream…" she said. Then she rolled over, and her hand knocked into something warm beside her.
It was Wyldon.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
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How was that, huh? Review!