The battle for the... REMOTE!

by Elven Jedi X

This is a very funny story about all the characters in Final Fantasy 8. Mostly about Zell/Quistis/ & Seifer! A little romance and a lot of twists. It's pretty funny if you've played the game and understand Hotdogs! If you didn't get that just read and rev

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Final Fantasy or any of the characters… when I'm awake at least! Please R&R ^_^

The Battle For… The Remote

It was an almost typical day for the students at Balamb Garden. It was a free day, so to say, therefore no one had classes to teach or attend. No lectures, no meetings, no trouble at all.

Nothing was wrong with the garden or the people there. All the machines and technology were in perfect condition. No monsters were in sight for several miles. Nothing was wrong at all. Even the hotdogs were in full stock, enough for everyone, for the first time ever in the entire history of the Garden.

In other words, it was EXTREMELY boring. Seifer, who had returned to Garden after the Ultimecia crisis, had been praying for a bomb, an earthquake, a monster stampede, or even a hotdog shortage, but nothing was wrong.

Seifer sighed as he walked down the Garden halls. I think I'm gonna go jump off a cliff just for the fun of falling. He thinks to himself.

"No." He says out loud to himself. He thought hard about something to do other than fighting in the Training Center, which he had already done for four hours straight today. Even that had become boring.

Then the thought hit him, Quistis; I'll go mess with Quistis and her gang of retards. They're always fun to piss off!

Seifer turned to go find Quistis when it hit him again, Quistis that is. She had run right into him. She fell backwards and Seifer rushed to help her. He caught her just before she would have slipped backwards and fallen beyond the saving point. Seifer pulled her to her feet.

"Thank you I …" Quistis looked up to see the face of her savior. She smiled her best, but grimaced when she recognized the person you had caught her. "Oh, it's you." She mumbled.

"I love you too." Seifer said sarcastically. Without another word Quistis started to walk away. Seifer grabbed her arm, stopping her. "Don't go so soon." Then he thought to himself, I haven't pissed you off yet.

"Why in Hyne's name would I stay here with you? I have other places I could be bored and tortured." Quistis said defiantly crossing her arms and raising one eyebrow.

"'Cause… I… you…" Seifer's mind raced to find an answer and an incredible way to torture Quistis. How can I really piss her off? … Ah I know!

Seifer quickly took Quistis by the shoulders and thrust her to him. He kissed her full on the lips, tongue and all.

For a few moments Quistis just stood in shock. She became so caught up in the moment she ALMOST started to return his kiss. When she realized what was happening she jerked away from him, desperately.

Her eyes grew wide and her moth was open as she said, "You… I… with… your… and… EEEEEEEEEEW! …I feel sick!"

Quistis grabbed at her stomach and began scrapping her tongue with her nails. She ran off screaming, "YOU'LL REGRET THAT SEIFER ALMASY!!"

Seifer smirked. "Now THAT was FUN!" Said Seifer chuckling at his progress on this most boring day. He threw his hands on his hips in a Superman mannor at the realization of the answer to his boredom. He baled his right hand into a fist and threw it in the air. "I know what I'm doin' today. I'm gonna PISS OFF PUBERTY BOY AND HIS CHICKEN WUSS FRIENDS!"

In the hallway…

Quistis ran down the hall clutching her stomach with one hand and covering her mouth with the other. She felt sick to her stomach. Seifer Almasy had kissed her, on the lips, and with a LOT of tongue.

Not to say that she didn't like Seifer, he was her friend, but she was in love with Zell. Not to mention the fact that Seifer, although her friend, annoyed the hell out of her. Still, Selphie annoyed the hell out of her, and Selphie was her best friend.

Quistis stopped abruptly and took her hand form her mouth. "No!" She whispered. "Why am I reasoning with myself? Seifer kissed me. He was… pretty good, BUT STILL! It's Seifer I'm talking about, YUCK!"

Quistis jumped up and covered her mouth again. She needed to talk to someone. She knew of only one person who really comforted her like that, Zell. She ran down the hall again towards Zell's dorm clutching her stomach as she ran.

She came to Zell's dorm. It was one of the ten master suites the Garden attained. Since they had saved the world from Ultimecia, each of the hero's had received a suite to call their own. Each suite had two bedrooms, a very large bathroom, a kitchen, and a living room.

Quistis leaned against the frame of the door and knocked. She clutched her stomach with the vacant hand. I hope to Hyne he's home.

"Comin'." Was the reply from within. Zell opened the door and said. "Hey, babe! Sup?"

Quistis ignored his question and fell into his arms. "Oh, Zell!" She said and hugged him tightly. Zell looked down at her with a look of concern on his face. He held her and stroked her hair trying to calm her.

"What's wrong, Baby?" He asked, and Quistis looked up at him. She gulped and simply said, "I need to sit down."

"Of course, Babe. I just invited the gang over to watch cable, 'cause they're all dying of boredom and have all gone to the Training Center at least three times each." Zell noticed the look of pain on Quistis' face. "Come on." He helped her to the couch and shut the door behind them.

Before Zell could even open his mouth to question her, Quistis lunged forward and kissed him. Her lips met his along with her tongue. After several minutes of mad kissing Quistis leaned back on the couch and sighed deeply. Zell did the same.

"I… FEEL… SO MUCH… BETTER!" Quistis said relieved.

"I do too, but I'm guessing for different reasons. I kinda wanna know why you seemed like you were gonna pass out just now… you're not drunk are you?"

Again, Quistis ignored Zell's questions and took his hand in hers. "I love you know that, right?"

"Of course, and I love you too… BUT…" Quistis cut in again.

"Just listen and don't freak out okay?"

"And you're NOT drunk?"

"NO! Of course not! But… um… I… ah… and…" Her voice became lower and lower as she tried to finish her sentence. She stuttered and fumbled her speech. She lowered her head unable to say any more.

Zell gently lifted her chin up and gazed into her eyes. "You can tell me, right?" Zell smiled like a five-year old. Quistis bit her lip and inhaled deeply letting the breath out slowly.

"Seifer kissed me!" She finally blurted out and hid her head in a pillow on the couch.

Zell broke out laughing. He wiped a fake tear from his eye and said, "No… really what's wrong?"

Quistis' voice was muffled by the pillow still over her face, "Seifer kissed me." She noticed a confused look on Zell's face followed by a look of realization and later horror.

"You mean on the…" Zell pointed to his cheek, but Quistis cut him off and finished his sentence. "…Mouth."

"But not with…" Zell started again pointing to his tongue, but Quistis finished for him again. "…With a lot of tongue."

Zell's face twisted and showed yet another realization. He screamed like a girl and clutched his mouth. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! My mouth touched something Seifer's did! AH!" He looked very sick. "Oh, dear sweet Hyne!"

Zell jumped up and ran into the kitchen just of to the left of the living room. He rushed over to the sink, bent over backwards, and turned the water on full blast. The water blasted into Zell's mouth and he began to choke. He straightened then fell to his knees choking.

By this time Quistis had already rushed in after Zell and was patting his back. Zell breathed deep and straightened up again still on his knees.

"Well, THAT was stupid." Quistis stated. She placed a hand over her mouth to stifle a giggle, but it did no good. Soon Quistis was rolling on the floor with laughter.

"What's so… funny?" Zell asked frowning. He whipped the water from his face trying to catch his breath.

"OH… YOU!" Quistis finally managed to blurt out between giggles.

"Really?" Zell asked with a smirk raising an eyebrow. "Come 'ere."

Zell threw himself at Quistis and for several moments they tumbled and tossed each other around the kitchen floor. Finally, Zell turned her over on her back and straddled her. He leaned in slowly and kissed.

"I thought you didn't want kiss anything Seifer's lips had touched?" Quistis asked looking up at Zell.

"I'm gonna kill that arrogant little-" He started but Quistis pulled him down to her and kissed him hungrily. "I'll live." He said and kissed her again still straddling her.

They kissed for several minutes until they heard a knock on Zell's door. At which point, the two jumped up and Quistis ran to the bathroom to fix her hair and clothing, which had been disheveled by Zell's probing hands.

Zell straightened his shirt, brushed back his hair with his fingers, and opened the door with a smile on his face. The smile dropped to the floor when he saw who was on the other side of the doorway.

"Hey, Chickenwuss! Is Quistis here?" It was none other than Siefer. He was smirking widely and began to laugh. "I'm taking her to this joint I know of. We're gonna hold each other, and kiss each other, and caress each other's bodies, Oh, and then we are gonna go into the back and scr-"

"SHUT UP! DEAR LORD, PLEASE SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" Zell screamed at Seifer and walked away from the door with his hands over his ears.

Seifer went on explaining all the things he planned to do to Quistis. Just then Quistis came in from the other room. She walked up to the other two.

"Hey, sexy! Wanna ditch the dork?" Seifer said raising an eyebrow his arms around Quistis waist. He leaned in to kiss her again knowing it would make her angry again. She surprisingly leaned in as well just as slowly as him.Quistis stopped a mere inch from his face.

"Ooh, la-la!" Seifer whispered.

Zell was moaning like a puppy and biting his nails. His eyes were wide and he was near tears. In less than a second, faster than lightning, Quistis shot her chain whip around Seifer's neck, also managing to pull his arm into a painful wristlock.

"AHHHHH! OUCH! OUWIE!" Seifer yelled in pain. "Come on, hon. Just one hour. That's all I need! You'll thank me over… and over… and over!"

Quistis made another quick movement. Now Seifer was face down on the floor with one arm suspended in a wristlock and Quistis knee pressing on his spine. Quistis whip was still around his neck and pulling back so his neck made a cracking noise.

Zell squealed in delight and let out a deep sigh of relief. "I love you, Quisty!"

"I love you too, baby!" Quistis said and blew him a kiss while still keeping her hand on the whip handle.

"Oh, how touching!" Seifer said with as much sarcasm as possible. Sadly, the last word of Seifer's sentence was turned into a gurgle. Quistis yanked hard on the chain causing him to choke for a few moments.

Seifer raised his head shakily to see Irvine staring down at him and trying hard not to laugh. Selphie was popping her head out from behind Irvine and unlike Irvine could not contain her giggles. She held one hand over her mouth and the other was pointing at Seifer.

"Okay," Irvine started crossing his arms. "You tried to put a move on her didn't ya?" Seifer simply rolled his eyes and groaned. "She was expecting it though, huh?" Seifer bit his lip and nodded his head as much as the chain would allow.

"That's you're problem." Irvine said knowingly. He had experienced first hand the pain Quistis could deliver at unwanted advances. "Ya have to surprise her, but even then are consequences, TRUST ME!" Irvine rubbed his neck at the stinging memory of Quistis chain whip around it.

"I'm AWARE of that, THANK YOU!" Seifer managed to choke out.

"It's SO worth it though!"

Quistis released the whip from Seifer's neck and glared at Irvine. Seifer let out a gasp and choked several times. He tried to stand, but Quistis kicked him down. Zell was now watching with a bowl of popcorn.

Quistis whip shot out again, this time at Irvine's hand. The tip left a small cut. If he had moved at all his hand would have been severed. Irvine winced and Selphie stomped on his foot. Selphie stuck out her tongue and said, "That's for kissing Quisty!" He gasped and winced again whispering, "I'm sorry" over and over.

Then Selphie marched off towards the couch. Quistis holstered her whip and walked off after Selphie. "I'll join you." She said. "'Kay." Was Selphie's only response. The two sat down on the couch and turned on Zell's rather large T.V. Just as Squall and Rinoa appeared in the doorway.

"Come on in guys." Zell said kicking Seifer as he moved to close the door behind Squall and Rinoa.

"Whatever." Squall said joining the girls on the couch and towing Rinoa behind him. The couch was big enough to hold six people. Unfortunately Seifer made seven. He had crawled onto the far left side just before Irvine could take a seat. That was when they noticed the seating problem.

"Um…" Irvine mumbled scratching his head. There were a few moments of silence. Selphie, as usual, broke the peace.

"OOH, I know!" She stood and said perkily, smiling her eternal smile, "Here, Irvy, sit down." Irvine obeyed taking the spot. Selphie smiled even wider and sat down on Irvine's lap. She wrapped her arms around his neck. He placed one arm around her waist and the other on her thigh smiling devilishly at her.

As for the others, they sat like so, from left to right: Seifer, Quistis, Zell, Irvine & Selphie, Squall, and Rinoa. Irvine removed his hat and set it on the coffee table in front of him while simultaneously picking up the remote. He clicked the power button and the T.V. buzzed to life. A soap opera was being shown.

Everyone save Rinoa made a disgusted noise of some sort. "OOOHHH!" She shrieked, "Day's Of Our Lives, my favorite!"

"I don't think so!" Irvine said switching channels. He continued until he saw a cowboy-ish man delivering martial arts moves to a gang of punks.

"WALKER, TEXAS RANGER, MY HERO!" Irvine said wide-eyed.

"Oh, HEL NO!" Seifer said pulling a pillow over his face.

"Gimme that!" Squall said snatching the remote from Irvine's hand. Squall began flipping channels so fast that no one could see anything but flashing colors. Selhpie yanked the remote from squall as he said, "See? Nothing's on."

"We'll see about that!" Selphie said and flipped channels muttering at every station, "OOH, Hot… you're hot… you're hot… EW ugly… hot… saucy… hot… hot… UGLY… OH HOT!" Irvine was staring at Selphie with the look of a hurt puppy.

"WHAT?" She asked innocently. "I'm allowed to LOOK! OH! Like you don't stare at EVERY STRANGE GIRL you see. INCLUDING ONE OF YOUR BEST FRIENDS' QUISTY!"

"That is COMPLETELY different! Who DOESN'T look at Quisty?" Irvine protested. Quistis leaned forward and shot him a glare. "Thank you, Irvy! I'm still going to kill you, but thank you!"

Irvine was about to further protest when Zell spoke up. "WAIT! You look at Quisty that way?"

"Yeah, everyone does, right?" Irvine looked around at his friends for support.

"OH YEAH-" Seifer started but shot his hands up to his mouth embarrassed at what he was revealing.

"Um… Yeah whatever." The 'whatever' was drowned out by the sound of kissing. No more words came from Squall that day, only the sound of he and Rinoa going at it.

"So, yeah… everyone looks at Quisty, but it's not like we fantasize, right?" Seifer said trying to cover his earlier comment. Squall mumbled something inaudible and Irvine shot his eyes up towards the roof and as far away from Zell's gaze as possible.

"What? Were you saying something? I heard nothing… I'm watching T.V. now!" Irvine said and stared at the T.V.

Zell was going to go off at everyone when the T.V. caught his eye. He leaned forward with his eyes wide and his jaw nearly touching the floor. A commercial was being shown.

"Wha?" Seifer questioned and recognized the commercial. He sat back with his arms behind his head smirking. "This'll be GOOD!" Seifer wore a smile on his face that could outshine even Selphie.

"What's… THAT!" Zell stuttered. The T.V. showed a normal sized hotdog with arms and legs and a face walking into a bar and tapping it's foot.

Zell was on the edge of his seat. As the hotdog walked up to a bartender Zell squealed with pleasure and said, "LOOK QUISTY! It's a hotdog-man! A hotdog-MAN! It's SO BEAUUUTIFUL!"

The hotdog-man jumped onto the counter. 'I just got off the road and boy am I thirsty!'

'Move along pal, we don't want any trouble.' Said the bartender.

"What's happening, Quisty?" Zell asked looking at Quistis with sad puppy dog eyes.

"Oh… Honey." Quistis knew Zell was not going to take this next part very well.

'Look mister, the sign outside says, that you serve hotdogs!' The hotdog-man crossed his arms as the bartender slapped a bottle of mustard on the counter. A look of dread crossed the hotdog-man's face.

'We do.' The bartender said sending the hotdog-man screaming and running with his arms flailing about in every direction.

"Where's the hotdog-man, Quisty?" Zell spoke near tears.

"He's in Hotdog-heaven, baby." Quistis responded.

"Where's that?"

"My stomach!" Seifer responded cutting Quistis off and rubbing his stomach sarcastically.

"NooOoOoOoOoOo!" Zell was wailing now. "That didn't belong to YOU! It belonged to the WORLD, like the MOON!" He turned to Quistis and buried his face in her chest. She patted his head as he sobbed cried, "I want the HOTDOG-MAN! Bring him back, Quisty! I want the HOTDOG-MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!"

"Oh, honey." Quistis began to rock Zell like a baby. Seifer half expected Zell to start sucking his thumb. "It's okay; I'll make it up to you."

Zell lifted up his head and wiped some tears away with one hand. "How?"

Quistis leaned down and whispered something in Zell's ear. His eyes lit up and he brightened.

"I can't believe this Chickenwu- HELLO" Seifer swung his head to face the T.V. There he saw another commercial. This one showed a girl's belly-button burst out into song.

'I'm… comin'… out! I'm comin' out… I want the world to know… got to let it show.'

Other bellybuttons joined into the melody. All the girls wore small shirts to revial their midriffs. Therefore, Seifer was interested.

"Now THIS is my kinda commercial!" Seifer exclaimed.

As Seifer became more and more transfixed by the singing abdomens Quistis took Zell by the hand and moved the Zell's bedroom.

"Where you guys goin'?" Irvine asked.

"I'm gonna cheer Zell up." Quistis said and pulled Zell into the bedroom.

"Hey, Butterfly. You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?" Irvine asked selphie.

"BOOYAKA!" Selphie squealed. Irvine jumped up and slung Selphie over one shoulder. "BIYEE!" She said as Irvine walked out the door. Rinoa and Squall followed them, their lips never leaving their lock.

Seifer was left alone in Zell's living room. His eyes were transfixed on the singing belly buttons. When the commercial ended he brushed a fake tear away and stood. Another thought hit him. It was time to complete his experience today.

Seifer stood and removed his trench coat. In fact, he removed all his clothes and undergarments. Just as he reached the bedroom door Quistis and Zell emerged and Zell ran back inside screaming. Quistis remained and stared at Seifer. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"

"Why aren't you…? You're supposed to be…!" Seifer fumbled.

"What did you think we were doing?" Quistis demanded not even caring about the fact that Seifer was stark nude.

"You said you were gonna cheer Zell up!"

"Oh, dear sweet HYNE! I'm getting him some hotdogs. I was getting some money in my stash here."

"OH…" Seifer was terribly embarrassed.

"Where did everyone else go?"

"To do what you're not. UM… I think I'm gonna go now… BYE!" With that, Seifer walked over to the couch and gathered his clothes. He did not bother to put them on he slung them over one shoulder and walked out the door singing "I'm… comin'… out… I'm comin' out! I want the world to know… Got to let IT show!"

Seifer continued his song even though the stares he got walking down the hall nude and singing a song were frightened to say the least. He didn't care. It was an interesting end to and interesting day.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I know this got a little freaky! I'm sorry to those people who don't like that kind of stuff. Well, tell me what you think anyway!