Why does this happen to me? Why can't I stop fighting and just feel her love? I see her all day at school, or after school with our friends. When she's with him the smile on her face cuts through me like a knife. She looks so happy with him, and he looks just as happy to be with her. I hate him. I'm not sure if I hate him. Because of him I can't be with her. No, that's not it. I don't hate him, or her, I hate myself. They've told me I don't have a chance with her. They say that if I love her, I should let her go. But letting her go, even just the idea of it, hurts so much more than hanging on to these unrequited hopes. I know I should let her go, but I can't. My brain says to leaver her, but my heart supplies it with blood, so it has priority.
I can't believe I bought these flowers. I was so smart, wasn't I? Walk into Sora's flower shop and buy a dozen roses. She tried to talk me out of it. She told me I'd just end up hurting myself and her. But I yelled at her, I told her Kari would love them and me while running out. Even as I said the words I knew they were wrong, I knew I couldn't win. So now here I sit on the steps of the school, waiting for her to come out. The flowers are hidden under my jacket, and my backpack's in my locker, so it looks like my backpack in under my jacket. Smart, isn't it? There's Matt and Sora, even the happiness coming from them hurts. Or Yolei and Ken. All of them are my friends, but I just want to hurt all of them. I want to hurt them and make them feel as bad as I do. What reason to they have to feel so happy? Why do I deserve a pain in my chest like this?
And I always have to hide how much pain I feel. I try and imagine what it would look like to someone else. They'd see an ugly kid whining that a girl doesn't like him. No one wants to see that, and no one would help me. Look at these hands. I think of my own reflection in the mirror, and it's no wonder she or any other girl doesn't like me.
Now I realise there's nothing special about me. Sure I have some toys, some friends, but so does everyone. There are things in the world that are meant for everyone, rights. And things for special people, privileges. Why do I have nothing special? Every single thing in my life, tangible or animate, I have to share with someone else, or someone else has another. All I am is a number in the system, nothing special or unique.
And there she is with him. What a surprise, she's with him. I can't do this. I can't tell her. Sora was right, it will hurt her and me, and no good can come of it. What's that? Oh, just a tear, One of millions I've cried over her. What? Oh, no. She's looking at me. Asking me what's wrong. I stand, holding the flowers fully visible in my hand, she sees them and says nothing. He sees them too. I walk between them, not slowing or altering my direction making them stand aside. Garbage pail. That's where I tossed the flowers without turning around to see. That is the perfect metaphor for how I feel. A beautiful thing, like flowers or emotion, tossed in the trash. I feel sorry for the flowers, and I feel sorry for myself. I can even feel pity for myself, let alone the pity they must be feeling. The tears are coming faster now and I can barely see.
I hear her calling my name, I hear her footsteps coming closer. I feel her hand on my shoulder, and it feels like some kind of tangible pain. As if she were wearing a glove made of pure pain and touched my with it. There's one good thing I have, soccer legs. She and he don't. The command isn't even fully issued and my legs are pounding the ground away from her as fast as I can go. I can hear her trying to keep up but she fell behind.
What do I do now?