Jenova's Attack:
Since my promotion to Lord of Darkness, I haven't had much time to write a story. But I've put one together anyway. Its about the Cetra, the Ancients, searching for the Promised Land and supreme happiness...in a station wagon.
Cetra Kids: Are we there yet?
Cetra Dad: SHUT UP YOU LITTLE PUNKS!!!!!!!!!!
Cetra Mom: Why don't you just ask for directions?
Cetra Dad: I know where I'm going....
Cetra Dad takes out his map. There's a big X on it that says "Promised Land Here".
Cetra Kids: Are we there yet?
Cetra Dad: SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cetra Kids: Mommy! Tommy just spit on me!
Cetra Kids: No I didn't.
Cetra Mom: You two be quiet!
Suddenly a strange object falls from the sky.
Object: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
The Cetra's station wagon bumps into the object.
Cetra Dad: #@$#!!!!
The Cetra Dad walks out to inspect the damage. He notices that there is an alive organism there, looking at him. It stands up and comes toward him.
Cetra Dad: Everyone...get out of the car now.
The strange object comes closer.
Cetra Mom: What is it?
Cetra Kids: Whoa! That's cool!
The object comes even closer, making intimidating noises.
Cetra Dad: Just look at it!
Cetra Mom: I know, its hideous!
Cetra Dad: I can't bear to look!
Cetra Kids: Eww! Its all gross and slimy!
Cetra Dad: No, not that alien thing! The car! Its ruined!
The Cetra Dad calls up his auto insurance agent.
Voice on Phone: Welcome to Cetra Brand Automobile Insurance.
Cetra Dad: Hey listen, you see this...
Voice on Phone: If you're car is out of fuel, press 1. If your car has lost its tires, press 2. If your car has been damaged from aliens falling from distant planets, press 3.
Cetra Dad presses 3.
Voice on Phone: This call is 5 dollars a minute. (starts speaking very slowly) Nooooowwwwwww...yyyooooouuuuuu mmmmuuuuussssstttttt ccccooonnnnnnssssssiiiddddeeeeerrrrrr ccceeeerrrrttttaaaiiiin faaaccctttss. Lllleeet's looookkk aattt tttthheee aaaccciidddennnt reeeppporrrttts fooooorrrrrr everrrrry carrrrrrrr innnnnnn thhhheeeee woooorrrrrllllldddddd.
Cetra Dad: Screw this!(hangs up the phone)
Cetra Mom looks at the object.
Cetra Mom: Hello?
Object: Huh?
Cetra Mom: Would you like a ride?
Object: Uh... sure.. I guess.
Everyone gets into the car.
Object: Thank you, everybody.
Cetra Mom: What's your name?
Object: Jenova.
Cetra Mom: How nice. Is that Latin or Irish?
Jenova: Its German.
Cetra Dad: You're name is really Jenova?
Jenova: Yes. Well, actually not yet. Some scientist is gonna name me that 3000 years from now.
Cetra Mom: How do you know?
Jenova: It said on my fortune cookie!
Cetra Mom takes fortune cookie and reads aloud: You will be defeated by the hands of the Cetra, stuck in a geological rock layer, left there for 3000 years, discovered by a scientist named Dr. Gast, dug up, and used for a whole bunch of biological experiments. Your lucky number is 2.
Cetra Mom: So, Jenova..
Jenova: My name's not Jenova anymore. Its Jenova Birth.
Cetra Mom: Okay.... Jenova Birth... why have you come to this planet?
Jenova Birth: I seek to kill the Cetra.
Cetra Mom: That's nice.
Jenova Birth: Where could I find these Cetra?
Cetra Dad: Oh, they're everywhere.
Cetra Kids: Jenova Birth! Hahahaha! That's a stupid name!
Cetra Mom: Kids, don't make fun of Jenova Birth's name?
Jenova Birth: I'm not Jenova Birth anymore, I'm Jenova Life.
Cetra Mom: Okkaaayyyyy.
Cetra Dad: We'll just let you off here.
Jenova Life is dropped off near a bar. She walks into the bar. The Pope, the Bishop, and a Fisherman walk into the bar with ducks on their heads. The waiter says...oh wait. That's another joke. I'll tell you that one later. Anyway Jenova Life walks into the bar.
Drunk Weirdo(looks at Jenova): Hey, check out the chick!
Other Drunk Weirdo: Man, she's....blue.. and....alienny.
Drunk Weirdo: I'm not complainin'
Jenova Life: Get away from me!
Yet another Drunk Weirdo: Come to papa, Missy!
Jenova Life: I gotta get outta here!
President Clinton(looks at Jenova and drools): Oh, man.....
Jenova Life runs away.
(note: Jenova has requested that she be called: Jenova Death. We're sorry for the inconvenience)
Jenova Death: I've got to find those Cetra.....
Jenova walks into the..(oh, sorry. I mean Jenova DEATH) nearby town.
Jenova...(what were we up to? Oh, yeah...Jenova Death): Hello, people!
People: Yes?
Jenova Lif...uh..I mean Death: I need to find the people called Cetra.
Citizen: You mean the Ancients?
Other Citizen: You moron! We're not Ancients yet! We have to be ancient to be Ancients!
Citizen: Oh yeah, that's right.
Jenova Death: Yes, the Cetra. Where could I find them?
Citizen: Well, I'm a Cetra.
Jenova Death: Ha! Found one! Now you shall...oh wait..what was I supposed to do with the Cetra again?(looks in handbook). Oh yeah! Kill them!
Jenova Death starts to attack everyone in sight.
Citizen: You foul creature! I hope that one day you'll be locked in a geological stratum and dug up by a scientist and put in a Mako Reactor!
Jenova Death: Hey! We go to the same Chinse food restaraunt!
Jenova Death continues to attack the helpless citize...oh wait. She's Jenova Synthesis now. Okay so Jenova Synthesis, did I get that right? Good. Well, she keeps on attacking them.
Meanwhile, at the council of the Cetra.
Mr. A: What should we do about Jenova?
Mr. B: You idiot! She's Jenova Synthesis now!
Mr. C: Stop that at once! We have problems!
Mr. A: We must think of a way to defeat this creature.
Mr. C: Its gonna have to be something really really bad.
Mr. B: Something that will crush her spirit!
Mr. C: I've got an idea! Let's lock her up in a geological stratum and have her discovered by Dr. Gast 3,000 years from now!
Mr. A: Wow! You go to that Chinese Restaraunt too?
Mr. B: Hmm. Well that's a nice finishing move, Mr. C., but we need something more practical....
Much later.....
Citizen: Look! They're putting up a big telivision!
Other Citizen: Wow! That things gotta be 30 feet tall!
Jenova Synthesis: Die!!!!!(attacks everybody)
Citizens: Jenova Synthesis is attacking!
Jenova Synthesis: You morons! My name is Jenova Darkness!
Citizens: Jenova Darkness is...forget this! Just call her Jenova!
Jenova Darkness: You people!!!!
Suddenly the T.V. flashes on.
Man with loudspeaker: Cetra! Cover your eyes!
Jenova Synthesis..oh wait...Jenova Darkness looks up at the screen.
Jenova Darkness: What the hell? How are they gonna defeat ME with a television?
The screen shows the Playstation logo. In seconds, a full version of Fantastic Four appears on the telivision screen.
Jenova Darkness: Nooo!!!!
Gets demoted back to Jenova Synthesis.
Jenova Synthesis: This is cruel and unusual punishement!
Jenova Death: I have a lawyer!
Jenova Life: We Zorkonians have our rights!
Jenova Birth: I will come again!
Jenova Premature Birth: Ahhh!
Jenova Stuck in Geological Stratum: Ugh.
The Cetra rejoice. But the T.V. falls on top of them, killing almost all the Cetra. So thus, the Cetra lost their live in the battle against Jenova..or whatever her name is now.
Meanwhile, back at the center of the planet.
Ultimate Weapon: Can't wait to beat up that Jenova!
Sapphire Weapon: I heard that she died.
Diamond Weapon: What?
Planet: Oh man! I never got to use these cool Weapons! And they were a dollar off!
Ruby Weapon: Dammit! I wanna kill Jenova! I hate everybody now!
Diamond Weapon: Oh, shut up Ruby.
Ruby Weapon: Oh yeah! Well I hope you just get shot in the chest by a really powerful cannon!
Diamond Weapon: Oh yeah? Well I hope that you get stuck in a desert around a placed called Gold Saucer!
Ruby: I'll kill you!
Planet: Stop it, all of you!
The Planet encases the weapons inside the planet.