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| |Adventures of the Band
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Disclaimer: I don't own Zelda. Nintendo does. I also don't
own any of the songs in this fic. Sum 41, Blink 182 and Green Day do.
"L.T
McCool, please step forward." The leader of Band Big Breaks Corp. said. L.T McCool, a brawny blond hylian stepped
forward.
"For your
recent failure with the boy band N*Talented, you are being demoted from chief
manager to recruit agent. L.T, give me the underwear." The boss said. L.T took
off his shiny silver boxers without taking off his pants. The boss tossed them
into a fire in a garbage can to the left of his desk.
"Your next
assignment is a tough one and you may just be able to re-earn your rank of
chief manager. Your mission will be to convince punk rock band Gold Skultulla
to accept a recording contract with us. If you succeed, you will be promoted to
chief manager. They often perform at the Tipsy Dodo, a bar in Kakariko
Villiage. Their leader is an ex-kokiri named Link. The drummer is Darunia, the
clan leader of the Death Mountain Gorons. Their ocarinaist is Saria, another
ex-kokiri. Their harpist is Sheik, a shekiah. Good luck, agent McCool." The
boss said and gave the salute of Band Big Breaks Corp. With that, McCool began
the long trek from Death Mountain Crater to Kakariko Villiage. He had been
trained to resist heat so the heat didn't bother him.
When he
finally arrived in Kakariko, McCool entered the large building near Impa's
house. Inside, he was greeted by the loud noise of a punk rock band. The lead
singer, presumably Link, was playing a guitar made out of an old sword.
Attached to the hilt was a shield with strings on it. Link struck one last
chord and the song was over.
"Thanks
Kakariko. We'll be taking a 15 minute break and then we'll be performing
again." Link said into the microphone. When he and the rest of the band walked
offstage to the bar. McCool rushed up to meet them.
"Greetings.
I am L.T McCool. I assume you are Link, leader of Gold Skultulla." McCool said.
"Yeah. I'm
Link. What do you want?" Link asked as he picked up his black ale.
"I
represent Band Big Breaks Corp. I'd like to offer you and your band a chance to
make it famous. Are you interested?" McCool explained.
"I don't
know. I'll have to ask the other members of Gold Skultulla." Link said, turning
his head toward Saria, Darunia and Sheik (no, not Zelda, but a Sheikah named
Sheik).
"I say we
do it Link. I've always wanted to be famous." Saria said.
"Darunia
says we do it brother." Darunia grunted.
"I don't
know. This Band Big Breaks Corp. was responsible for that boy band crap
Untalented." Sheik said.
"That's
N*Talented, Sheik." McCool corrected.
"Whatever.
I'll go along with whatever you guys want to do but I think we shouldn't trust
this guy." Sheik said.
"Then it's
settled. L.T, you've got yourself a deal." Link said.
"Excellent.
We'll leave for HQ as soon as you guys finish your gig." McCool said and
slithered off to a chair.
"All right
guys, we're playing Don't Waste My Time." Link said as he stepped up to the
microphone.
Don't Waste My
Time (Fat Lip Parody)
Darunia: Storming through the graveyard like my name is El
Puerco.
Link: When I'm hanging out drinking in the back of the
Drunken Dodo.
Darunia: As a child I was real wild.
Link: But nobody knew me by name.
Darunia: Trashed my own bush party
Both: 'Cause nobody came!
Link: I know I'm not the one you thought you met in the
middle of Hyrule. Never going, never showing whenever we had to. Attention that
we crave, don't tell us to behave, I'm sick of always hearing 'Act Your Age'. I
don't wanna
Link, Darunia and Sheik: Waste my time.
Link: Become another casualty of his majesty. I'll never
Link, Darunia and Sheik: Fall in line
Link: Become another victim of your insecurity and back
down.
Darunia: Be-cause-you-don't know us at all we laugh when
Ganondorf falls.
Link: But what would you expect with a concience so small?
Darunia: Fairy slingshots
Link: and swords
Darunia: It's how we were raised.
Link: Din, Farore and Nayru
Both: Are the gods that we praise.
Link: 'Cause we like having fun at Princess Zelda's expense
and cutting all the signs down is just a minor offence then, it's none of your
concern. I guess I'll never learn. I'm sick of being told to wait my turn. I
don't wanna
Link, Darunia and Sheik: Waste my time.
Link: Become another casualty of his majesty. I'll never
Link, Darunia and Sheik: Fall in line
Link: Become another victim of your insecurity and back
down. Don't count on me to let you know when. Don't count on me, I'll do it
again. Don't count on me, 'tis the point you're missing. Don't count on me,
'CAUSE I'M NOT LISTENING!
Darunia: Well I'm a no-goodnick lower middle class brat.
Back packed and I don't give a shit about nothing.
Link: You'll be standing at the corner talking all that
kafuffin.
Darunia: But if you don't make sense from all the drinks
you've been chugging.
Link: Then the egg don't stain, you'll be ringing off the
hook, you're on the hit list in the telephone book.
Darunia: Like songs with distortion.
Link: Drinking with out proportion.
Darunia: The elder said my mom should've had an abortion.
Link: I don't wanna
Link, Darunia and Sheik: Waste my time.
Link: Become another casualty of his majesty. I'll never
Link, Darunia and Sheik: Fall in line
Link: Become another victim of your insecurity and back
down.
Shiek and Saria: Waste my time with them.
Link: Casualty of His Majesty.
Shiek and Saria: Waste my time with them.
Link: Become another victim to your insecurity and back
down.
"Whoohoo!
Bravo! Rock on homies!" McCool cheered.
"Shut up
McCool. Ladies and drunken gentlemen of the bar, I'd like to introduce our new
manager, L.T McCool. We're going professional and so, unfortunately, this means
we'll never be playing at the Drunken Dodo again so as a token of appreciation,
I'd like to leave my green hat hanging on the wall." Link said and tossed his
green hat to a barmaid who hung it on the wall. "Thank you for three wonderful
years folks!" Link said and he and the rest of Gold Skultulla walked offstage.
"Now, the
headquarters of Band Big Break Corp. is in Death Mountain crater so I want to
see you all wearing red tunics." McCool said.
"Uh, L.T, I
saved Hyrule from Ganon several times and I saved Termina from Majora's Mask..
I know how to survive in a crater." Link said.
"And I'm a
goron. I'm used to high temperatures." Darunia grunted.
"Whatever.
We're now arriving in the crater. Follow me." L.T said as he led them into
Death Mountain crater.
The HQ was in
fact, the Fire Temple. Saria and Sheik looked around in amazement while Link
seemed to be reliving his fight with Volvagia. Darunia seemed furious.
"I demand
why you turned my temple into a headquarters for your recording company."
Darunia fumed.
"Your
temple? This hunk of junk was just sitting here." McCool said. At the fact that
his temple was being called a hunk of junk, Darunia began to turn red.
"As the
sage of fire, this is my temple. Just as the Forest Temple is Saria's. In fact,
as owner of the temple, I demand you leave immediately." Darunia said.
"I'm afraid
we won't be going anywhere, sage of fire." McCool suddenly said.
"What do
you mean, L.T?" Saria asked.
"Hah. L.T
McCool has been dead for months. I tracked him down to kill him and use his
position as a Band Big Break Corp. agent to get back at the one who caused me
to be trapped in the sacred realm. Now, I shall have my revenge." L.T said.
With that, L.T's mouth opened and out stepped Ganondorf. Link took his guitar
apart and began to use them as a sword and shield. He swung his sword but the
blade passed right through Ganondorf.
"Hah. I'm
still in the Sacred Realm. But not for long, Hero of Time!" Ganondorf said. The
illusionary Ganondorf reached into Link's pocked and removed the Ocarina of
Time.
"Now to
play a little ditty that will free me from the Sacred Realm and be able to kill
you." Ganondorf said. With that, he began to play a song. Everybody but Link
was knocked unconscious and Link was paralyzed. Almost all of the boss enemies
Link had defeated appeared, including a clone of Ganondorf and Piggy Ganon and
began to sing.
Time of Your Life
(Green Day)
Phantom Ganon: Another turning point
Volvagia: A fork stuck in the road.
Morpha: Time grabs you by the wrist
Bongo-Bongo: Directs you where to go.
Koume: So make the best of this
Kotake: Test and don't ask why.
Ganondorf: It's not a question but a
Piggy Ganon: Lesson learned in time.
All: It's something upredictable but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
Odolwa: So take the photographs and
Goht: Still frames in your mind.
Gyorg: Hang it on a shelf in
Twinmold: Good health and good time.
Majora's Mask: Tattoos and memories and
Majora's Incarnation: Dead skin on trial.
Majora's Wrath: For what it's worth, it was
Skull Kid: Worth all the while.
All: It's something unpredictable but in the end is right. I
hope you had the time of your life. It's something unpredictable but in the end
is right. I hope you had the time of your life.
And with
that, Ganondorf was freed from the Sacred Realm and all the villains
disappeared.
"And now,
to destroy you, hero of time." Ganondorf said. He prepared to cast a spell when
in rushed N*Talented.
"Stop right
there Ganondorf! We'll stop you!" One of the mediocre pretty boys said.
"Oh really.
How? Will you bitch slap me?" Ganondorf taunted.
"No, we'll
stop you using the terrible power of Boybandishness!" Another mediocre pretty
boy said. Ganondorf shot a lightning ball at them and they exploded. Suddenly,
for no reason at all, three of the greatest bands of all time rushed in: Sum
41, Green Day and Blink 182.
"Prepare to
be eliminated evil Ganondorf!" Cone of Sum 41 yelled.
"What are
you going to do Cone? Fuck him up the ass like you did to Bowser?" Steve of Sum
41 taunted.
"Hey Tom,
you should hook up with Cone. You're both fags." Mark of Blink 182 said.
"Oh shut
up. Let's just do this." One of the guys from Green Day said.
"All right.
On three. One. Two. Three." Derrick of Sum 41 yelled.
Mixer of Some Good Songs by Blink 812, Green Day and Sum 41
Blink 182: Everything has fallen to pieces. Earth is dying,
help me Jesus. We need guidance, we've been mislead. Young and hostile but not
stupid.
Sum 41: I don't wanna waste my time, become another casualty
of society. I'll never fall in line, become another victim of reality.
Ganondorf: No! The power of awesome music is killing me.
Green Day: It's working! I wanna be the minority. I don't
need your authority. Down with the moral majority 'cause I wanna be the
minority.
Blink 182 I fell in love with the girl at the rock show. She
said what and I told her that I didn't know. She's so cool I'm going to sneak
in through her window. Everything's better when she's around, can't wait until
her parents go out of town. I fell in love with the girl at the rock show.
Sum 41: 'Cause I'm into deep and I'm trying to keep up above
in my head instead of going under.
Ganondorf: Must…resist…
Green Day: He's getting weaker. I was a young boy that had
big plans. Now I'm just another shitty old man.
Blink 182 And it's happened once again. You'll turn to a
friend. Someone who understands, sticks to the master plan. When everybody's
gone, and you've been here for too long to face this on your own well I guess
this is growing up.
Sum 41: There's nothing on my back but it's still enough to
wear me down. My mind's about to crack 'cause what I thought could not be
found.
Ganondorf …Mommy.
Sum 41: Finish him off Green Day.
Green Day: It's something unpredictable but in the end it's
right. I hope you had the time of your life.
Ganondorf: Ha ha! The replenishing song!
Blink 182: Dude. We need Alien Ant Farm.
Alien Ant Farm: You called?
Sum 41: Yeah. Sing.
Alien Ant Farm: Annie, are you okay? Are you okay? Are you
okay Annie? You've been hit by, you've been struck by a smooth criminal!
Ganondorf: AAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!!!
And with
that, Ganondorf blew up into 7 million pieces.
"Well, our
work here is done. Now to go destroy K.Rool for Donkey Kong." All four bands
said. With that, they disappeared and Rauru appeared.
"Well, you
destroyed him. Good work. The recording job is yours." Rauru said.
"Huh?" Link
said who had just been able to move again.
"Every new
band that we sign has to pass a test. I run this company, you know. You passed.
Gold Skulltulla has a contract now."
Rauru said.
"Sweet!"
Link yelled.
The End (or is it?)
