She sat on the black, leather couch with a far-off gaze in her marble-like blue eyes. She flicked a lock of her powder blue bangs out of her eyes. Sometimes her eyes would wander toward the window. She'd start to fidget with her black and white striped shirt or her dark blue jeans and draw her eyes to that. Her gaze would eventually wander back to the doctor who didn't truly care about her or her condition. He only cared about her money, well, at least that's what she thought.
"Kozue," the older Indian man said while looking up from his yellow notepad to study her, "your condition is far from normal."
"I have a condition now? What? Is that all your offical medical analysis can come up with? A condition. Whoop-de-freakin-do." she hissed.
"Now, now, no need to be spiteful. There's a place you can go to get help. You won't have to stay long, maybe a few months or so." he said.
"A few months? What the heck? No! Heck no! You can't send me to one of those places! I'm eighteen. I'm allowed to decide for myself whether or not I'll go." Kozue spat.
The Indian man shook his head causing his short white ponytail to move a bit. He scribbled something on his notepad then sat both the pad and pen on his desk. He leaned back slightly in his chair and studied the girl. She was a cute one, he thought, but he couldn't have relations with patients. He sighed at the thought. Besides, she was one of those mental cases. He shouldn't get involved with one of those. The more he looked at her, the more he thought about the possibilities of a relationship with a mental case. He could classify it as treatment. Even it was one-nighter or a short fling it would be fine, for he knew that borderlines often participated in such things quite casually. He grinned at this thought then he let out a short sigh. It wasn't worth it. He would wait until she recovered. If their fling left permanent damage on her fragile mental condition, he would certainly be sued by the family. That was a risk he certainly wasn't willing to take. Besides, he reminded himself, he was old enough to be the girl's father. Well, it certainly wouldn't have been his first fling with a much younger woman.
"I'm not going." Kozue stated to break the eerie silence, "I'm old enough to decide."
"Ah, Kozue," he stated as he quickly snapped back to attention, "with a case such as this, you aren't able to get out of it that eaisly. You brought yourself here to my office. My cure for you is to go there. By signing the paperwork here, you've basically signed yourself up to do as I say."
He paused for a moment, again considering a short fling with the blue-haired girl. He forced himself against it. However, he could always pay the girl a visit. He knew where she would be. He smiled at this then continued his explaination.
"Therefore, you're going. Your things have been packed, and the taxi is waiting outside." he stated.
"But... isn't there anything I can do?" she asked with a desperately seductive gleam in her eyes.
There were a lot of things she could do, he thought, but those things would have to wait until later. He reluctantly shook his head no and pointed to the door. Kozue angrily rose and walked out the door.
*~*
A lot of people thought I was crazy. I wasn't crazy. I was anything but crazy. So I viewed things a little differently. So I liked having flings with many men at the same time. So I had more mood swings than a cheerleader on PMS. So I drifted off into other thoughts and back into my original ones constantly. So? What's that got to do with anything? I'm not crazy. As if they know anyways. I'm just a girl. . .interrupted.
Touga. What a beautiful man. I saw him not too long ago. Maybe a few days ago. It was late one night. I was out at a bar. I flirted with the bartender and got myself a drink. I wasn't drunk. Maybe a little tipsy, but not drunk. So then this guy came up to me. Gorgeous man. He should've been a striper. Wth a body like that, he would've been a millionaire in one night. Seriously.
So, first it started out as talking. Isn't that how it always starts out? So we were just talking. So we got in his car. So we went to his house. So we went in his room. So my clothes were on his floor. So you can figure out what happened next.
I woke up next to him. Am I so bad? It's not like I walked out or anything. Then he woke up. So we started talking again. Isn't that how it always ends? So we were just talking. It wasn't anything important really. Just something like. . .
"Where to, Miss?"
*~*
"Hey? Where to, Miss?" the cab-driver asked.
Kozue's mind had been wandering again. She snapped back to reality when the green-haired man repeated his question. She stared blankly at him for a moment as her thoughts were coming back together.
"Huh? Oh, sorry, um... Parkland." Kozue said.
"Parkland? Why there?" he asked.
"Doctor's order." she replied sadly.
"Really? You don't seem like the crazy type." he said.
Kozue shruged her thin shoulders and turned her gaze to the window. She stared at the passing houses. She wished she was going to one of them. Anything was better than her current destination.
*~*
"What do you want to be?" he asked me.
I smiled at him and lazily ran my fingers through his long red hair. I liked Touga. He was obviously well-praticed so to speak. He'd probably been with as many girls as I had boys. Maybe he was crazy too.
"A writer maybe..." I said, clearly unsure and uncaring toward the matter.
"It's okay if you don't know. Maybe one day if you still don't know... you could always stay with me for awhile. I've got plenty of money. No worries." he said.
So he was one of those types. You know, the type that makes extragavent promises after you give them what they want. Well, if it's good of course. It's not the first time I've been made the "I've got plenty of money for us" offer, so I must be good at this. Well-praticed. I must be good if I impressed a well-praticed one. I was almost willing to take him up on that offer, but I couldn't. I couldn't possibly stay content with one guy. There are just too many out there.
"Maybe.." I replied then I closed my eyes. I didn't want to discuss anymore. I was tired. A well-practiced guy tends to be rough. I was tired. So I closed my eyes. So I fell asleep. He was warm. His heart was still pounding in his chest. Ka-thump. Ka-thump. That steady beat eased me to sleep. Ka-thump. Ka-thump.
*~*
The cab hit a speed bumb causing a loud thump to be heard. Kozue snapped out of her mental wanderings as the cab slid to a hault in front of Parkland saniterium. She sighed and opened the door. She didn't want to go. She slowly got out of the car, paid the cab-driver, and gathered her bags out of the back. She slid her purse on her shoulder, carried one bag in her hand, and pulled the rolling suitcase behind her. She trudged up the sidewalk to the large doors.
The building was large and looming. It was certainly the most unwelcoming place. Prison probably seemed nicer than this. Still, she made her way inside and reluctantly signed herself in.
"So you're the new girl Doctor Akio called about?" a small woman whom the lady at the front desk had called Wakaba inquired.
Kozue nodded. The woman led her upstairs. Her ponytail swished back-and-forth. It was annoying to watch. Kozue ran a hand against her short, blue locks and smiled at the fact that her hair couldn't move in such an annoying pattern.
"Well, here we are." Wakaba stated when they reached the top of the stairs.
Kozue looked around as Wakaba pointed out the different rooms. Everything was white. The hallway, the floor, the walls, the rooms, everything. The large room was the entertainment room. There was TV in there, a table for games to be played on, simple things like that. There was a counter in there where the medicine was given out. The hallway held all the residents' rooms. Hers, she was told, was the second on the left. Further down the hallway, there was a large room with many tables. The cafeteria, she was told. There was an art room with easals and musical instruments. Everything was locked up in there. There were a few rooms at the very end of the hallway with large locks on the outside and a tiny slit at the top of the door. Those were for the uncontrollable ones.
Kozue slipped into her room. There were two beds in the room. Hers was on the side opposite to the door. The other one was occupied by a thin, Indian girl. She resembled Doctor Akio a bit. Long, lanvender waves of hair kept her face hidden from Kozue's view.
"Um, hi?" Kozue stated softly, almost afraid of the seemingly sleeping creature in the shared room.
As Kozue moved her bags toward her side of the room, the girl silently watched from behind her lavender locks. She acted as though she were sleeping while she studied the girl.
Kozue slowly began to unpack. She folded her clothes and placed them in the small dresser. She sat the small bag of her other belongings under her bed. She didn't want someone snooping through her dresser to take anything important. She sat down on her bed and sighed. Finally she reached into her bag and pulled out a large, black book and a pen. She opened the book to reveal the blank, unlined pages. She started to scribble a picture with a few words.
"What are doing?" the girl asked as she slowly rose from her sleeping position.
Kozue nearly jumped when the girl had suddenly spoken and moved.
"Writing in my journal." she replied.
The girl said nothing. She merely watched and studied the new resident. The feeling of eyes being upon her bothered Kozue greatly.
*~*
They always stared at me. I hated it. We'd be sitting there at Thanksgiving dinner. Me. Miki. Our parents. Relitives we didn't really know. They always stared at me. I would just be sitting there eating my dinner like everyone else, and they would stare at me. Some would whisper. The whispers flew around the table. Why couldn't they just say it to my face rather than whisper? I wanted to scream out at them, but Miki would tell me not to. The words would be sitting on my tounge, ready to be unleashed, but Miki would tell me not to.
They'd stare at Miki too. They would say nice things about him. Yes. They'd say things. Not whisper amongst themselves. Maybe that's what drove us apart. Everyone loved Miki. Even I did. Maybe that's why they'd whisper about me. My love for Miki wasn't right. He was my twin. It wasn't right. But how did they know? My love for Miki basically stayed in my head. Of course, my head was the very home of my "condition". Maybe that's why they whispered.
It's been years now since I've seen Miki. He was so smart. He finished high school so much faster than I did. They sent him off to the university when he so young. He was angry with me when he left. We'd had our differences for some time. Me. Always sleeping around. Him. Always studying. Me. Dating so many so unseriously. Him. Spending Friday nights with his piano so seriously. He didn't like my habits. I didn't like his. My love for him wasn't right. My love for him wasn't returned.
*~*
"Medicine time." the pink-haired woman stated.
Kozue blinked and rolled over. She seemed rather confused, as if she hadn't realized she'd fallen asleep. She was startled by the unfamiliar woman standing in the door. She stared at her as if she hadn't heard the woman come in. Her thoughts clearly weren't back in order yet.
"Well good morning, Sunshine, or should I say good night. You've been out all day. Here's your medicine. It'll help you sleep better." the woman said.
"I don't need any medicine. Can't you see I was sleeping just fine?" Kozue mumbled angrily yet sleepily.
"I know you were sleeping just fine, but rules are rules. Take your medicine." she replied.
Kozue grumbled and placed the multi-colored pills in her mouth. She swallowed quickly and glared at the woman.
"My name is Utena if you want to call and complain. Now, go back to sleep, and I'll be seeing you in the morning." she stated as she walked out the door.
"Hmph." Kozue mumbled as she drifted back into her thoughts and sleep.
*~*
"Shiori, wake up! Wake up! Shiori!" an angry, clearly insane, orange-haired woman yelled while shaking the sleeping Kozue.
"Stop it, Juri, that's not Shiori. Her name is Kozue. Stop it." the quiet, lavender-haired girl said, but her protestings were too quiet and non-forceful to do any good.
Kozue finally awoke from the constant shaking and yelling. Her eyes were wide with fright. She started to scream, but her thoughts were too shaken up to process what was happening.
"Juri, stop. Please. She doesn't understand. Stop." the quiet girl said.
"Oh do shut up, Anshii, you're the one who doesn't understand! You've got your own problems. Just sit over there with your razor blade and chop up your wrists. Just sit over there and wait for Doctor Akio to come screw you again. Just sit over there and shut up!" Juri yelled.
Anshii sighed and did as she was told. She sat on her bed next to Kozue's and tried to act as though nothing was going on.
"Shiori! Finally you're awake! Come on, we're leaving. We're leaving right now." Juri said.
"I... I'm Kozue... not Shiori.." Kozue sleepily mumbled.
Juri acted as though she hadn't heard the blue-haired girl. She proceeded to drag Kozue out of bed and out of the room. However, she was stopped by Utena and Wakaba.
"Not so fast, Missy, you're not going to harass the new resident. Juri, this is Kozue. Kozue, this is Juri. Gald you've already become acquainted. Now come on, Juri, back to your room. Go with Wakaba. Don't beat her up this time, or else you'll be locked up in the room at the end of the hallway." Utena said.
Juri glared and released her grip on Kozue's wrist. Wakaba escorted the insane girl toward her room leaving the confused Kozue in the hands of Utena.
"What.. what happened? Who was that?" Kozue stammered.
"Her name is Juri. She's been here five years, escaped three times. She's got more problems then you can even imagine." Utena stated matter-of-factly.
"Why... why did she call me Shiori?" Kozue asked.
"Shiori was her best friend. She used to live in the room where you live now. Shiori got better though and left while Juri was out on her last escaping-spree." Utena said.
"Oh.." Kozue replied.
"Well, since you're up, why don't we go ahead and get your bath over with?" Utena suggested.
Kozue blinked. She wanted to just take a shower later, but she was too sleepy to say anything really. Utena lead her down the hallway and into the large bathroom. If Kozue's thoughts had been together, she would've protested against this terrible situation. However, by the time her thoughts were gathered, there was, unclothed and supervised in the tub.
"Morning, Sunshine." Utena said when she realized Kozue was clearly awake and clearly confused.
"Why are you here while I'm taking a bath?" Kozue spat.
"Rules. It's not like I enjoy this. I have to make sure you only shave your legs with the razor instead of slicing your wrists. I have to make sure you don't slip your head under the water and try to drown. I have to make sure you don't tie up the towels, hang them from the ceiling, loop one around your neck, and start jumping. Rules." Utena stated.
Kozue sighed and ran the razor along her legs.
"You've got an appointment with Miss Nanami today." Utena said.
"Who?" Kozue asked.
"Miss Nanami. She's a doctor, but no one around here wants to talk to a doctor. Doctors are what put them here. Miss Nanami is your way out of here. Once she thinks you've recovered, you're free. Until then, do your very best to impress her." Utena said.
Kozue nodded and slowly stepped out of the tub. Utena turned around, being nice enough to let Kozue dry off and dress without those watchful blue eyes peering at her.
*~*
I never liked doctors. Especially not Doctor Akio. That's certainly not a man I'd want to tell anything personal too. It's common knowledge he gets it on with any young woman that comes into his office. The thing is... he won't do anything with a mental case. Never. They'll turn around and sue him with claims of malpractice. He'd deserve it every bit of it too. That's why he never gets involved with a mental case. That's why he never got involved with me.
He kissed me a few times though. His hands roamed a few times. Something would've happened on that black, leather couch if my mother hadn't been waiting outside. Something would've happened on that desk if he hadn't had a patient waiting. Things like that happened during the first few visits. The talking visits. Those visits when I'd sit on the couch and tell him the previous night had absolutely sucked. He'd asked why. I'd tell him how it seemed like one minute I was hanging out in the bar and the next thing I knew I was waking up next to some man whose name I didn't know. He'd ask why I didn't know his name and how it had happened so quickly. I said he must've sucked in bed and that's why I didn't remember. I remembered names of the good ones and called them up frequently.
It would be after those talks when he kiss me. It would be after those talks when his hands would roam. My shirt would usually be tossed on the floor, and we'd be on the couch. He'd be kissing me and running his hands along my back. Sometimes he'd pick me up and put me on his desk. He'd tell me I wouldn't be able to forget his name. Then just as something might have happened, the lady in the front office would page him, tell him his next patient was here, we'd go back to what we doing, he'd get paged again, and that was that. He'd act like nothing had happened. Just a normal visit.
I wish I could forget his name. Why'd he have to be such a good kisser? Why did his hands feel so nice? Why couldn't we have just gotten it on once and be done with it? I can't ever forget the names of the could've-been's. Doctor Akio. Miki.
*~*
"Kozue?" Miss Nanami inquired.
"Hmmm?" Kozue murmered as though she'd been sleeping.
"Typical borderline." Nanami commented to herself while scribbling something in Kozue's chart.
Nanami studied the girl and wrote a few observations in the chart. Far-off gaze. Wandering thoughts. Unable to focus. History of sleeping around. Moody. Typical borderline. Nanami sighed. She knew her brother had a serious interest in this girl. Touga had become infatuated with Kozue. Something about how darn cute she was. How she was quite well-praticed and pleasing to him. How she thought so differently as compared to the other girls he flirted with and slept with. He told her so many things about the girl Kozue. Nanami had informed him that was a borderline and a resident of Parkland. He insisted on coming to see her. Wait awhile, she had said, wait awhile. She studied the girl for Touga's sake. The others she usually saw once a year and sent them back to their rooms. But, for her Touga, she studied the girl.
"Do you want to leave here, Kozue?" Nanami questioned.
"Of course." Kozue replied.
"Do you take your medicine as told?"
"Yes."
"Are you cooperative with Utena and Wakaba?"
"I try to be."
"Do you know why you're here?"
"Doctor Akio said I was a borderline."
"That's right. So, how do you feel?"
"Tired. Irritated. Sick of medicine. Ready to go home."
"Same as everyone else here. Well, I'll see you next week."
"What? That's it?"
"Yes. Goodbye."
Kozue grumbled and walked out of the room. Nanami shook her head and sighed.
"Typical borderline." she stated.
*~*
Kozue sighed and hugged her knees to her chest. She sat on the couch in the entertainment room. She looked around at the patients, residents as they preferred to be called, all sitting in there. Some played checkers at the table. Some watched "Wizard of Oz" on TV. Anshii sat in a corner quietly reading. Juri sat on the rolling chair she'd stolen, "borrowed" as she said, from the office. She pushed herself around the room and harassed the residents with her antics and her puppet. Her puppet, a strange-looking puppet, looked like the cross between a monkey and a mouse. She didn't make it talk. She merely moved its paws around as if to taunt the truly challenged residents.
Juri pushed the chair toward Anshii's corner and stopped herself when she was nose-to-nose with the lavender-haired girl. She grinned at Anshii as an orange curl fell in her face and bopped against Anshii's nose.
"So... whatcha' reading? Let's see.. the cover is one of those trashy ones. The shirtless guy in his tight pants grasping onto some beautifully innocent woman. A trashy one. So... is that what you do when Akio's not around to give it to you? You read trashy romance novels and fanatisize about him? You read the trashy words and think about what he does with you? So what's the title, hmm? Incest for Idiots? Not so innocent incest?" Juri said while mockingly moving the puppet about.
Tears filled Anshii's eyes, but she didn't fight back. She never fought back. Juri laughed and pushed herself away. She parked herself at the the table of checkers-players.
Kozue watched and listened. She wondered what Doctor Akio had to do with this girl. They looked alike. Juri kept mentioning brother and sister and incest. Kozue wondered if it was true. Akio didn't get involved with mental cases. However, his sister couldn't sue him. His sister, quiet and submissive, would do whatever he asked. Well, it seemed possible and a little too believable in Kozue's mind.
*~*
Miki was always so quiet. Maybe that's why he didn't love me. I was too loud. Too obnoxious. Too flirtatious. He was so quiet.
His piano was never quiet though. He always sat in there and played that haunting song. We used to play it together when we were little. We were going to play it in a recital together. I wasn't very good at it. I just did what he told me too. I let him take control. Then he wasn't there. I played alone at the recital. I ran off the stage in tears. I'll never follow his lead again. I'll never been submissive again. Maybe that's why he didn't love me.
*~*
Juri parked her rolling chair in front of Kozue and stared at her. The staring eventually got to her, and her thoughts finally came back to the current situation.
"You think alot, don't ya?" Juri asked.
"Yeah.." Kozue replied.
"About what?"
"Random things."
"Sounds fun."
"So.. what were talking to Anshii about? She seemed upset."
"Why does it matter to you?"
"Because her crying keeps me up at night. If it's nothing serious, I'll tell her to shut up."
"It's nothing serious. She just gets it on with her brother."
"Who's her brother?"
"Doctor Akio. Know him?"
"Yep."
"Did you get it on with him?"
"No. He's too well-praticed for me. He's the town bicycle, everyone gets a ride."
"Smart girl."
Juri and Kozue grinned at each other then laughed. For once Kozue didn't feel so alone in Parkland. She wondered why Juri had been there so long. Still, it didn't matter.
*~*
"Shiori," Juri whispered sweetly, "wake up, love."
"Hm?" Kozue mumbled sleepily, "what time is it?"
"Late. Way past bedtime. Come on, I've got to show you something. It'll be fun, I promise."
"But Juri..."
"Come on, Shiori, love." Juri said while pulling the sleepy girl out of bed.
Kozue had grown used to Juri calling her Shiori and love. She didn't correct her anymore. Juri was her friend. Shiori was Juri's best friend. Kozue was glad to thought of as Shiori. However, she wasn't glad to be pulled out of bed. Still, she followed Juri.
They walked down the hallway and slipped through a door. They walked down another hallway. When they reached the next door, Juri stopped and picked the lock with her hair pin. When they walked through the door, ten other residents were there to greet them.
"Come on, Shiori, it's about to be story time." Juri said with an evil gleam in her eyes.
The group walked through the dark hallway and down a dark staircase. They walked through another door. On the other side was the first floor. It was empty at night. They walked across to Miss Nanami's office. Juri picked the lock and led the group inside.
They all inside. Some on the couch. Some on the floor. Juri sat in Nanami's chair and instructed Kozue to sit on the desk. It was if Juri led the group, and Kozue was her beloved second-in-command. One-by-one the charts were read. The comments in the charts were grim. They'd be here awhile. Some would never leave. Finally Juri reached Kozue's chart.
"Typical borderline." Juri read aloud.
"Let me see that," Kozue said while leaning over and reading the chart upside down. Kozue sighed. She thought she was getting better but her chart didn't agree. Tears filled her eyes.
"Read it, read it!" one resident said.
"No, that's it, storytime is over. Move out." Juri said.
The residents reluctantly got up and made their way to their secret staircase and hallway. Kozue started to cry as soon as they had left. Juri held Kozue in her arms.
"Shush now, Shiori, it's not so bad. At least we have each other, love. Come on, let's go back. You need your sleep." Juri said sweetly and softly.
Kozue sighed. These words of comfort clearly weren't meant for her. Still, being Juri's Shiori seemed much better than being borderline Kozue.
*~*
They all sat in the entertainment room. What else was there to do every day? Kozue sat on the couch watching the residents. Juri rolled around on her "borrowed" chair. Typical day.
"You have a visitor, Kozue." Utena said.
Kozue looked up and grinned when she saw Touga standing in the hallway. She nearly jumped off the couch and ran to him. She quickly grabbed his wrist and lead him into her room.
*~*
"Just like old time, hm, Kozue?" Touga said while Kozue quickly managed to pull his shirt off. How he'd missed her. No one else had quite the skill she possessed.
"You still talk too much." Kozue said.
*~*
Juri watched the hallway. She knew Wakaba would be doing room checks by now. As soon as she saw the onion-princess in the hallway, she rolled herself in front of her.
"So, how are ya, Wakaba?" Juri asked.
"Fine, now move so I can finish room checks." Wakaba said.
Wakaba moved toward the door of Anshii and Kozue's shared room. Juri, in a desperate attempt to buy time for Kozue, snatched Wakaba's pen and held it against her throat.
"Don't you have time for me, Wakaba? What if I jam this pen in my aorta?" Juri snapped.
"Your aorta is in your heart." Utena said while snatching the pen from Juri and pulling her and the rolling chair back toward the entertainment room.
Wakaba opened the door and gasped at the sight of the half-clothed Touga and Kozue in compromising positions. Utena ran back and peered in the room.
"Kozue, you have permission to go outside. I suggest you go." Utena said.
Kozue sighed from underneath Touga, and they reluctantly put their shirts back on.
*~*
"You're not crazy. You don't belong here." Touga said while running his hand throug her short, blue tresses.
"I am crazy. I'm a borderline. I'm sick... and I need treatment." Kozue said.
"No, it's not true. I don't care what my sister says. You're not like those people in there. Just run away with me. Come on. Let's go, right now. We'll just run away."
"I can't do that."
"Why not?"
"Those are my friends up there. I can't leave them like this."
"Friends? Kozue, they're crazy. They'll never leave here. Don't become like them! Just run away with me, please!"
"Touga... I can't."
"Kozue, please, you're not thinking clearly right now. Just leave with me while you have the chance."
"Touga... that's just the problem. I'm never thinking clearly."
"Kozue..."
"I'm sorry, Touga... goodbye."
Kozue sighed and walked back inside. Touga stared and looked as though he might break down and sob right there. He looked up and saw watching eyes peering out from the second story window. Juri's eyes sparkled. Her Shiori hadn't left her.
*~*
"Anshii's leaving? What the heck?" Juri asked.
"It's true." Kozue replied.
They both sat on the couch. Juri had her arm around Kozue. Kozue leaned her head comfortably against Juri's shoulder. There was a blanket drapped over them. It was cold. The heater was broken. There they sat discussing the most rescent development in Parkland.
"Tell me what you know." Juri demanded.
"Akio bought her house. Nanami signed the release forms. She's leaving tomorrow." Kozue said.
"He must've gotten it on with Nanami."
"You think that's it?"
"Yeah. Nanami doesn't get it much. There's this younger man she's seeing. Much younger. Good thing you aren't involved with her brother anymore. I heard she gets it on with him too."
"What's up with all the incest here?"
"I don't know. If it keeps up like this, they'll be calling this place Incestland. You don't have a brother you fool around with, do ya, Shiori?"
"I have a twin brother. He doesn't love me though."
"Oh?"
"Yeah.. I loved him so much, but he never returned my affection. He was smart though. They sent him away to the university when we were so young. He was mad when he left me. I haven't seen him since. I loved him though..."
"Well, that's different. It's always a different case with twins."
"So, it's okay for me to love him?"
"Yep. Twins have a love no one else can understand."
Kozue smiled.
*~*
Juri was my best friend. I feared her so much at our first meeting. I feared her angry spirit. I feared her insanity. I was insane too though. Or so I thought. It was okay for me to sit on the couch with Juri. It was okay for me to lead the group through the secret hallway and sit on Miss Nanami's desk as Juri's second-in-command. It was okay for me to be Juri's watchful eye in the entertainment room. It was okay for me to be her partner-in-crime and report anything that was happening in Parkland.
Juri understood me. I was her Shiori. I was her love. Everything was okay with Juri. Utena didn't understand. Wakaba didn't understand. Touga didn't understand. Nanami didn't understand. Juri understood, and she was all that mattered then.
She told me it was okay to love Miki. Everything was okay with Juri.
*~*
A blue-haired orderly had brought his ladder and new lightbulbs into Anshii and Kozue's shared room. Anshii was sitting in the entertainment room watching TV. She was allowed to because Nanami had declared her "okay". Anshii would be leaving in the morning.
Anshii told the orderly Kozue was sleeping. He said would go in and change the lightbulbs. Kozue wasn't asleep. She was anxious about the coming day. Anshii would be leaving. Juri would cause trouble, and Kozue would be right by her side. Second-in-command. Partner-in-crime. Best friend.
"Why do you change the lights in the middle of the night?" Kozue inquired.
The orderly gasped. He knew that voice. He had thought the name was a coincidence, but she held the same voice as his angel.
"Because... I didn't want to disturb you during the day. I know you draw in your little book during the day, so I change the lights for you while you sleep." he said.
"How did you know I draw during the day? I haven't seen you around before..." Kozue said.
"I stop by and watch you sometimes."
"Why?"
"Well... you're awfully pretty."
"Really?"
"Mhmm. I'd love to take you out sometime, when Nanami releases you. We could go to a movie or something."
"That'd be nice."
The orderly smiled and finished changing the lights. He started to move his ladder, but Kozue's hand reached out toward him.
"Don't leave me yet, Miki." she whispered.
The orderly gasped again.
"How did you know?" he asked.
"You honestly think I could forget you?"
"But it's dark in here... how did you?"
"I know your voice."
"But I've been whispering."
"I know your voice."
"But-"
"I've missed you, Miki."
"I've missed you, Kozue."
"Just... sit with me until I fall asleep, okay?"
"But.. Utena.."
"She's asleep. I won't tell on you. Besides, I'm just asking for you to sit here... not to sleep with me or anything that would get you in trouble."
"Well.. alright.."
Kozue smiled when Miki sat down. He brushed a few of her power-blue bangs from out of her eyes and smiled at her. Slowly she drifted off into contented sleep.
*~*
I never wanted him to leave me. I loved Miki. I loved his quiet nature. His brilliant mind. His smile. Sure, we had our differences, but I never wanted him to leave.
Maybe that's why I started to sleep with Touga more frequently then. Touga loved me. Touga gave me the things Miki wouldn't. Miki left me. Touga stayed.
Touga came to take me away from Parkland. Touga left me.
Miki came to change the lights in Parkland. Miki stayed.
*~*
"You're just jealous because you're still stuck here." Anshii stated quietly.
"I'm not jealous. I have Shiori here with me." Juri said.
"She's not Shiori. Her name is Kozue. Shiori is gone."
"Shut up!"
Juri slapped her. It was a loud slap too. Loud enough to wake up Kozue. Kozue didn't move though. She merely peered at what was happening between the two.
"You're just jealous." Anshii stated again.
"Of what? You going to your own personal house of incest? Living to be your brother's slave? That's not a life. That's nothing to be jealous of."
Anshii sighed and carried her two suitcases out the door.
"You're just jealous." she repeated, as if she had to convince herself more than Juri.
Juri shook her head and walked away. Her day was spent in the entertainment room. Kozue's was spent in wonderous thoughts of Miki.
*~*
"Miki..." Kozue whispered, "what time is it?"
"4:45 in the morning. They'll start giving medicine soon. I better go." Miki replied.
"Don't leave me, please.."
"I have to. If they catch me with you, I'll lose my job."
"Why? You haven't done anything wrong."
"But.. I might."
"Hmm?"
"Oh, Kozue, I come in here every night. I sit beside you. I stare at you while you sleep. It takes all the strength I have from kissing you. If I ever did kiss you, who knows what sorts of trouble that would lead to. Kozue, I just can't do that. I'll lose my job for sure."
"You want to kiss me?"
"Yes."
"I won't tell anyone if you kiss me."
"Kozue.. I..."
"Shush, Miki..."
Kozue sat up and stared into his blue eyes. She inched closer to him, and there was nothing he could do to stop her. She brushed her lips lightly against his. They continued to exchange kisses until Utena walked in to give Kozue her medicine. Miki was quickly thrown out of Kozue's room. Kozue acted as though she was sleeping. Utena was clearly angry. She picked Kozue up and carried her down the hallway.
"Put me down!" Kozue yelled.
"Oh, I'll put you down." Utena hissed.
Utena carried her into the large bathroom and tossed her into the cold tub of water. Kozue kicked and screamed and angrily splashed the water about.
"What did you do that for?" Kozue yelled.
"You deserved it, Sunshine." Utena said.
"What for? Huh? What am I in trouble for? Trying to get it on with my boyfriend or for kissing an orderly?"
"Both."
*~*
Miki was moved to the third story to work with the physically challenged. He came to visit me a few times at night, but Utena caught him as he was leaving the last time. I was so sad. I hated Utena then. She'd taken Touga from me. She'd taken Miki from me. I hated her.
*~*
"Shiori, love." Juri whispered.
"Yes?" Kozue replied.
"Come on, we're leaving."
"Where are we going?"
"To see Anshii."
"How?"
"I copied the address out of Nanami's file. If we leave now, we can get on the bus."
Juri didn't wait for an answer. She grabbed Kozue's wrist and pulled her out bed like she usually did when she wanted something and didn't care about Kozue's thoughts on the matter. They ran through the secret hallway, down the secret staircase, and out the door. They ran through the snow. It was cold and dark outside, but they ran. Juri ran because she always ran away. Kozue ran because she did whatever Juri asked her to.
They reached the bus-stop just in time to catch the bus. They sat together in the back and tried to stay warm. Juri was happy to have Kozue snuggled up against her. She lightly kissed Kozue's forehead. Kozue looked up and smiled at Juri.
*~*
"Anshii, let me in!" Juri yelled as she pounded on the door.
"Wait... this'll never work. Let me try." Kozue said.
Juri nodded and stepped back. Kozue lightly tapped on the door.
"Anshii, it's Kozue. Can I come in, please?" she asked.
Anshii slowly unlocked the door and opened it for Kozue. Juri, however, stormed in.
"I'm sorry, Anshii. We.. we need a place to stay." Kozue said.
"For how long?" Anshii asked.
"Just tonight." Kozue said.
"Why?" Anshii asked.
"We're leaving for Florida in the morning. We need somewhere to sleep." Juri said.
"Fine.. fine.. you can sleep on the couch. It's one of those that folds out into a sofa bed." Anshii said.
Kozue and Anshii pulled out the sofa bed and fixed the sheets and pillows. Juri peered around at the house with a psychotic gleam dancing in her eyes. She looked over at Anshii and carefully studied her.
"So, how's Akio?" Juri asked.
"Fine." Anshii replied.
Kozue crawled under the sheets and tried to go to sleep. She didn't want to hear another arguement between the two.
"Has he been over already?" Juri asked.
"Many times."
"How many?"
"Usually three times a day... sometimes more."
"His patients must not be giving him anything."
"Juri... stop this..."
Juri grinned and grabbed Anshii's wrist. She turned it over and looked at it. There were cuts from her wrist to her elbow.
"Anshii, look at this. You're chopping yourself up. You weren't supposed to leave, were you? No, your brother went and slept with Nanami. That's how you got out. So you sit here and chop yourself up." Juri hissed.
"Juri, stop it. Just shut up." Kozue said.
"You put that razor blade to your wrist. You put there when Akio leaves. When your reason for living leaves, you put that blade up to your wrist and pray you have the courage to press harder." Juri hissed.
"Shut up!" Kozue yelled.
Anshii stared blankly for a moment, and Juri released her grip on Anshii's wrist.
"I... I like to sleep late in the morning. So, don't wake me up, just leave.." Anshii said as she trudged up the stairs.
*~*
The same song played over-and-over again. It wouldn't stop. Over-and-over. Kozue sighed and pulled herself out of bed. Juri was sitting on the kitchen counter reading the directions for how to cook pancakes.
"Is Anshii still asleep?" Kozue asked.
"I guess so. She hasn't come down yet. That stupid song won't stop though." Juri said.
"Maybe.. I should check on her."
"Yeah, you should. While you're up there, be sure to turn that music off."
Kozue walked up the stairs. She looked in Anshii's bedroom, but she wasn't there. She turned off the record player and walked back into the hallway. She noticed the bathroom door was closed. She couldn't hear anything. She slowly opened the door and gapsed at the sight before her.
Anshii was dead. Anshii was hanging from ceiling. Dead. She was pale and lifeless. Dead. Kozue screamed and turned around. Juri was standing there grinning. Juri walked into the bathroom and reaching into Anshii's pocket. She pulled out ten dollars and smiled.
"You.. you did this to her!" Kozue screamed as tears streamed down her face.
Juri shrugged her shoulders and walked down the stairs and out the door.
*~*
The ambulence came and took Anshii's dead body away. Nanami took Kozue back to Parkland. The next few months held many changes for Kozue. These were finally good changes. She cried in Utena's arms and begged for forgiveness. She said her apologies to the residents. She let Miss Nanami know everything that was running through her mind. She finally began to recover.
Nanami signed the release forms. An apartment and a job were waiting for Kozue. Miki was waiting for her too. Just one night left. One night.
*~*
Juri had been found and brought back. Utena told Juri that Kozue would be leaving and not to bother her. It was late at night. Utena put Juri in her room and left. Juri had other plans in mind. She stole Kozue's journal and took it with the residents to the secret hallway for storytime.
Juri's voice echoed in Kozue's sleep. She went into the secret hallway. All she could hear was Juri. Juri's voice once so sweet and loving was purely evil.
"Stop this, Juri! Stop!" Kozue pleaded.
"I'm just playing the villian, love, isn't that what you wanted?"
Kozue ran. There was nothing else she could do. She just ran until there was no where to run.
"Why doesn't anyone do anything to me? Hm? Everyone's got buttons to push. I pushed Anshii's and look at her. Hanging from the ceiling. I push your buttons and look at you. Running like a scared little girl. Why doesn't anyone push my buttons? Hmm?" Juri yelled.
"Because you're dead already!" Kozue screamed.
Juri stopped dead in her tracks. Kozue slowly turned around and stared at her.
"You're cold and dead inside." Kozue hissed.
Juri sat in the floor and cried.
*~*
Juri was in the room for the uncontrollables. She was strapped to the bed. Kozue sat beside her and painted her nails.
"You're going to get better. I know you will. You're going to come see me. Not because you escaped, but because you got released." Kozue said.
"Really? You think so?" Juri asked softly.
"I know you will." Kozue said.
"I love you... Kozue."
"I love you, Juri."
*~*
Utena hugged the blue-haired girl while her bags were being put in the cab.
"Now think of me every time you shave your legs." Utena said.
"I'm sure I will. Thank you for everything." Kozue said.
Kozue slipped into the cab and waved goodbye to Parkland.
"Where to, Miss?" the green-haired cab driver asked.
"1298 Dreamstreet." Kozue replied.
"Hey, I remember you. Are you better now?" he asked.
"Yep."
*~*
A recovered borderline. I don't know what that means. I do know one thing though. I was never crazy. They all said I was crazy, but I wasn't. I was just a girl. . .interrupted.
"Kozue," the older Indian man said while looking up from his yellow notepad to study her, "your condition is far from normal."
"I have a condition now? What? Is that all your offical medical analysis can come up with? A condition. Whoop-de-freakin-do." she hissed.
"Now, now, no need to be spiteful. There's a place you can go to get help. You won't have to stay long, maybe a few months or so." he said.
"A few months? What the heck? No! Heck no! You can't send me to one of those places! I'm eighteen. I'm allowed to decide for myself whether or not I'll go." Kozue spat.
The Indian man shook his head causing his short white ponytail to move a bit. He scribbled something on his notepad then sat both the pad and pen on his desk. He leaned back slightly in his chair and studied the girl. She was a cute one, he thought, but he couldn't have relations with patients. He sighed at the thought. Besides, she was one of those mental cases. He shouldn't get involved with one of those. The more he looked at her, the more he thought about the possibilities of a relationship with a mental case. He could classify it as treatment. Even it was one-nighter or a short fling it would be fine, for he knew that borderlines often participated in such things quite casually. He grinned at this thought then he let out a short sigh. It wasn't worth it. He would wait until she recovered. If their fling left permanent damage on her fragile mental condition, he would certainly be sued by the family. That was a risk he certainly wasn't willing to take. Besides, he reminded himself, he was old enough to be the girl's father. Well, it certainly wouldn't have been his first fling with a much younger woman.
"I'm not going." Kozue stated to break the eerie silence, "I'm old enough to decide."
"Ah, Kozue," he stated as he quickly snapped back to attention, "with a case such as this, you aren't able to get out of it that eaisly. You brought yourself here to my office. My cure for you is to go there. By signing the paperwork here, you've basically signed yourself up to do as I say."
He paused for a moment, again considering a short fling with the blue-haired girl. He forced himself against it. However, he could always pay the girl a visit. He knew where she would be. He smiled at this then continued his explaination.
"Therefore, you're going. Your things have been packed, and the taxi is waiting outside." he stated.
"But... isn't there anything I can do?" she asked with a desperately seductive gleam in her eyes.
There were a lot of things she could do, he thought, but those things would have to wait until later. He reluctantly shook his head no and pointed to the door. Kozue angrily rose and walked out the door.
*~*
A lot of people thought I was crazy. I wasn't crazy. I was anything but crazy. So I viewed things a little differently. So I liked having flings with many men at the same time. So I had more mood swings than a cheerleader on PMS. So I drifted off into other thoughts and back into my original ones constantly. So? What's that got to do with anything? I'm not crazy. As if they know anyways. I'm just a girl. . .interrupted.
Touga. What a beautiful man. I saw him not too long ago. Maybe a few days ago. It was late one night. I was out at a bar. I flirted with the bartender and got myself a drink. I wasn't drunk. Maybe a little tipsy, but not drunk. So then this guy came up to me. Gorgeous man. He should've been a striper. Wth a body like that, he would've been a millionaire in one night. Seriously.
So, first it started out as talking. Isn't that how it always starts out? So we were just talking. So we got in his car. So we went to his house. So we went in his room. So my clothes were on his floor. So you can figure out what happened next.
I woke up next to him. Am I so bad? It's not like I walked out or anything. Then he woke up. So we started talking again. Isn't that how it always ends? So we were just talking. It wasn't anything important really. Just something like. . .
"Where to, Miss?"
*~*
"Hey? Where to, Miss?" the cab-driver asked.
Kozue's mind had been wandering again. She snapped back to reality when the green-haired man repeated his question. She stared blankly at him for a moment as her thoughts were coming back together.
"Huh? Oh, sorry, um... Parkland." Kozue said.
"Parkland? Why there?" he asked.
"Doctor's order." she replied sadly.
"Really? You don't seem like the crazy type." he said.
Kozue shruged her thin shoulders and turned her gaze to the window. She stared at the passing houses. She wished she was going to one of them. Anything was better than her current destination.
*~*
"What do you want to be?" he asked me.
I smiled at him and lazily ran my fingers through his long red hair. I liked Touga. He was obviously well-praticed so to speak. He'd probably been with as many girls as I had boys. Maybe he was crazy too.
"A writer maybe..." I said, clearly unsure and uncaring toward the matter.
"It's okay if you don't know. Maybe one day if you still don't know... you could always stay with me for awhile. I've got plenty of money. No worries." he said.
So he was one of those types. You know, the type that makes extragavent promises after you give them what they want. Well, if it's good of course. It's not the first time I've been made the "I've got plenty of money for us" offer, so I must be good at this. Well-praticed. I must be good if I impressed a well-praticed one. I was almost willing to take him up on that offer, but I couldn't. I couldn't possibly stay content with one guy. There are just too many out there.
"Maybe.." I replied then I closed my eyes. I didn't want to discuss anymore. I was tired. A well-practiced guy tends to be rough. I was tired. So I closed my eyes. So I fell asleep. He was warm. His heart was still pounding in his chest. Ka-thump. Ka-thump. That steady beat eased me to sleep. Ka-thump. Ka-thump.
*~*
The cab hit a speed bumb causing a loud thump to be heard. Kozue snapped out of her mental wanderings as the cab slid to a hault in front of Parkland saniterium. She sighed and opened the door. She didn't want to go. She slowly got out of the car, paid the cab-driver, and gathered her bags out of the back. She slid her purse on her shoulder, carried one bag in her hand, and pulled the rolling suitcase behind her. She trudged up the sidewalk to the large doors.
The building was large and looming. It was certainly the most unwelcoming place. Prison probably seemed nicer than this. Still, she made her way inside and reluctantly signed herself in.
"So you're the new girl Doctor Akio called about?" a small woman whom the lady at the front desk had called Wakaba inquired.
Kozue nodded. The woman led her upstairs. Her ponytail swished back-and-forth. It was annoying to watch. Kozue ran a hand against her short, blue locks and smiled at the fact that her hair couldn't move in such an annoying pattern.
"Well, here we are." Wakaba stated when they reached the top of the stairs.
Kozue looked around as Wakaba pointed out the different rooms. Everything was white. The hallway, the floor, the walls, the rooms, everything. The large room was the entertainment room. There was TV in there, a table for games to be played on, simple things like that. There was a counter in there where the medicine was given out. The hallway held all the residents' rooms. Hers, she was told, was the second on the left. Further down the hallway, there was a large room with many tables. The cafeteria, she was told. There was an art room with easals and musical instruments. Everything was locked up in there. There were a few rooms at the very end of the hallway with large locks on the outside and a tiny slit at the top of the door. Those were for the uncontrollable ones.
Kozue slipped into her room. There were two beds in the room. Hers was on the side opposite to the door. The other one was occupied by a thin, Indian girl. She resembled Doctor Akio a bit. Long, lanvender waves of hair kept her face hidden from Kozue's view.
"Um, hi?" Kozue stated softly, almost afraid of the seemingly sleeping creature in the shared room.
As Kozue moved her bags toward her side of the room, the girl silently watched from behind her lavender locks. She acted as though she were sleeping while she studied the girl.
Kozue slowly began to unpack. She folded her clothes and placed them in the small dresser. She sat the small bag of her other belongings under her bed. She didn't want someone snooping through her dresser to take anything important. She sat down on her bed and sighed. Finally she reached into her bag and pulled out a large, black book and a pen. She opened the book to reveal the blank, unlined pages. She started to scribble a picture with a few words.
"What are doing?" the girl asked as she slowly rose from her sleeping position.
Kozue nearly jumped when the girl had suddenly spoken and moved.
"Writing in my journal." she replied.
The girl said nothing. She merely watched and studied the new resident. The feeling of eyes being upon her bothered Kozue greatly.
*~*
They always stared at me. I hated it. We'd be sitting there at Thanksgiving dinner. Me. Miki. Our parents. Relitives we didn't really know. They always stared at me. I would just be sitting there eating my dinner like everyone else, and they would stare at me. Some would whisper. The whispers flew around the table. Why couldn't they just say it to my face rather than whisper? I wanted to scream out at them, but Miki would tell me not to. The words would be sitting on my tounge, ready to be unleashed, but Miki would tell me not to.
They'd stare at Miki too. They would say nice things about him. Yes. They'd say things. Not whisper amongst themselves. Maybe that's what drove us apart. Everyone loved Miki. Even I did. Maybe that's why they'd whisper about me. My love for Miki wasn't right. He was my twin. It wasn't right. But how did they know? My love for Miki basically stayed in my head. Of course, my head was the very home of my "condition". Maybe that's why they whispered.
It's been years now since I've seen Miki. He was so smart. He finished high school so much faster than I did. They sent him off to the university when he so young. He was angry with me when he left. We'd had our differences for some time. Me. Always sleeping around. Him. Always studying. Me. Dating so many so unseriously. Him. Spending Friday nights with his piano so seriously. He didn't like my habits. I didn't like his. My love for him wasn't right. My love for him wasn't returned.
*~*
"Medicine time." the pink-haired woman stated.
Kozue blinked and rolled over. She seemed rather confused, as if she hadn't realized she'd fallen asleep. She was startled by the unfamiliar woman standing in the door. She stared at her as if she hadn't heard the woman come in. Her thoughts clearly weren't back in order yet.
"Well good morning, Sunshine, or should I say good night. You've been out all day. Here's your medicine. It'll help you sleep better." the woman said.
"I don't need any medicine. Can't you see I was sleeping just fine?" Kozue mumbled angrily yet sleepily.
"I know you were sleeping just fine, but rules are rules. Take your medicine." she replied.
Kozue grumbled and placed the multi-colored pills in her mouth. She swallowed quickly and glared at the woman.
"My name is Utena if you want to call and complain. Now, go back to sleep, and I'll be seeing you in the morning." she stated as she walked out the door.
"Hmph." Kozue mumbled as she drifted back into her thoughts and sleep.
*~*
"Shiori, wake up! Wake up! Shiori!" an angry, clearly insane, orange-haired woman yelled while shaking the sleeping Kozue.
"Stop it, Juri, that's not Shiori. Her name is Kozue. Stop it." the quiet, lavender-haired girl said, but her protestings were too quiet and non-forceful to do any good.
Kozue finally awoke from the constant shaking and yelling. Her eyes were wide with fright. She started to scream, but her thoughts were too shaken up to process what was happening.
"Juri, stop. Please. She doesn't understand. Stop." the quiet girl said.
"Oh do shut up, Anshii, you're the one who doesn't understand! You've got your own problems. Just sit over there with your razor blade and chop up your wrists. Just sit over there and wait for Doctor Akio to come screw you again. Just sit over there and shut up!" Juri yelled.
Anshii sighed and did as she was told. She sat on her bed next to Kozue's and tried to act as though nothing was going on.
"Shiori! Finally you're awake! Come on, we're leaving. We're leaving right now." Juri said.
"I... I'm Kozue... not Shiori.." Kozue sleepily mumbled.
Juri acted as though she hadn't heard the blue-haired girl. She proceeded to drag Kozue out of bed and out of the room. However, she was stopped by Utena and Wakaba.
"Not so fast, Missy, you're not going to harass the new resident. Juri, this is Kozue. Kozue, this is Juri. Gald you've already become acquainted. Now come on, Juri, back to your room. Go with Wakaba. Don't beat her up this time, or else you'll be locked up in the room at the end of the hallway." Utena said.
Juri glared and released her grip on Kozue's wrist. Wakaba escorted the insane girl toward her room leaving the confused Kozue in the hands of Utena.
"What.. what happened? Who was that?" Kozue stammered.
"Her name is Juri. She's been here five years, escaped three times. She's got more problems then you can even imagine." Utena stated matter-of-factly.
"Why... why did she call me Shiori?" Kozue asked.
"Shiori was her best friend. She used to live in the room where you live now. Shiori got better though and left while Juri was out on her last escaping-spree." Utena said.
"Oh.." Kozue replied.
"Well, since you're up, why don't we go ahead and get your bath over with?" Utena suggested.
Kozue blinked. She wanted to just take a shower later, but she was too sleepy to say anything really. Utena lead her down the hallway and into the large bathroom. If Kozue's thoughts had been together, she would've protested against this terrible situation. However, by the time her thoughts were gathered, there was, unclothed and supervised in the tub.
"Morning, Sunshine." Utena said when she realized Kozue was clearly awake and clearly confused.
"Why are you here while I'm taking a bath?" Kozue spat.
"Rules. It's not like I enjoy this. I have to make sure you only shave your legs with the razor instead of slicing your wrists. I have to make sure you don't slip your head under the water and try to drown. I have to make sure you don't tie up the towels, hang them from the ceiling, loop one around your neck, and start jumping. Rules." Utena stated.
Kozue sighed and ran the razor along her legs.
"You've got an appointment with Miss Nanami today." Utena said.
"Who?" Kozue asked.
"Miss Nanami. She's a doctor, but no one around here wants to talk to a doctor. Doctors are what put them here. Miss Nanami is your way out of here. Once she thinks you've recovered, you're free. Until then, do your very best to impress her." Utena said.
Kozue nodded and slowly stepped out of the tub. Utena turned around, being nice enough to let Kozue dry off and dress without those watchful blue eyes peering at her.
*~*
I never liked doctors. Especially not Doctor Akio. That's certainly not a man I'd want to tell anything personal too. It's common knowledge he gets it on with any young woman that comes into his office. The thing is... he won't do anything with a mental case. Never. They'll turn around and sue him with claims of malpractice. He'd deserve it every bit of it too. That's why he never gets involved with a mental case. That's why he never got involved with me.
He kissed me a few times though. His hands roamed a few times. Something would've happened on that black, leather couch if my mother hadn't been waiting outside. Something would've happened on that desk if he hadn't had a patient waiting. Things like that happened during the first few visits. The talking visits. Those visits when I'd sit on the couch and tell him the previous night had absolutely sucked. He'd asked why. I'd tell him how it seemed like one minute I was hanging out in the bar and the next thing I knew I was waking up next to some man whose name I didn't know. He'd ask why I didn't know his name and how it had happened so quickly. I said he must've sucked in bed and that's why I didn't remember. I remembered names of the good ones and called them up frequently.
It would be after those talks when he kiss me. It would be after those talks when his hands would roam. My shirt would usually be tossed on the floor, and we'd be on the couch. He'd be kissing me and running his hands along my back. Sometimes he'd pick me up and put me on his desk. He'd tell me I wouldn't be able to forget his name. Then just as something might have happened, the lady in the front office would page him, tell him his next patient was here, we'd go back to what we doing, he'd get paged again, and that was that. He'd act like nothing had happened. Just a normal visit.
I wish I could forget his name. Why'd he have to be such a good kisser? Why did his hands feel so nice? Why couldn't we have just gotten it on once and be done with it? I can't ever forget the names of the could've-been's. Doctor Akio. Miki.
*~*
"Kozue?" Miss Nanami inquired.
"Hmmm?" Kozue murmered as though she'd been sleeping.
"Typical borderline." Nanami commented to herself while scribbling something in Kozue's chart.
Nanami studied the girl and wrote a few observations in the chart. Far-off gaze. Wandering thoughts. Unable to focus. History of sleeping around. Moody. Typical borderline. Nanami sighed. She knew her brother had a serious interest in this girl. Touga had become infatuated with Kozue. Something about how darn cute she was. How she was quite well-praticed and pleasing to him. How she thought so differently as compared to the other girls he flirted with and slept with. He told her so many things about the girl Kozue. Nanami had informed him that was a borderline and a resident of Parkland. He insisted on coming to see her. Wait awhile, she had said, wait awhile. She studied the girl for Touga's sake. The others she usually saw once a year and sent them back to their rooms. But, for her Touga, she studied the girl.
"Do you want to leave here, Kozue?" Nanami questioned.
"Of course." Kozue replied.
"Do you take your medicine as told?"
"Yes."
"Are you cooperative with Utena and Wakaba?"
"I try to be."
"Do you know why you're here?"
"Doctor Akio said I was a borderline."
"That's right. So, how do you feel?"
"Tired. Irritated. Sick of medicine. Ready to go home."
"Same as everyone else here. Well, I'll see you next week."
"What? That's it?"
"Yes. Goodbye."
Kozue grumbled and walked out of the room. Nanami shook her head and sighed.
"Typical borderline." she stated.
*~*
Kozue sighed and hugged her knees to her chest. She sat on the couch in the entertainment room. She looked around at the patients, residents as they preferred to be called, all sitting in there. Some played checkers at the table. Some watched "Wizard of Oz" on TV. Anshii sat in a corner quietly reading. Juri sat on the rolling chair she'd stolen, "borrowed" as she said, from the office. She pushed herself around the room and harassed the residents with her antics and her puppet. Her puppet, a strange-looking puppet, looked like the cross between a monkey and a mouse. She didn't make it talk. She merely moved its paws around as if to taunt the truly challenged residents.
Juri pushed the chair toward Anshii's corner and stopped herself when she was nose-to-nose with the lavender-haired girl. She grinned at Anshii as an orange curl fell in her face and bopped against Anshii's nose.
"So... whatcha' reading? Let's see.. the cover is one of those trashy ones. The shirtless guy in his tight pants grasping onto some beautifully innocent woman. A trashy one. So... is that what you do when Akio's not around to give it to you? You read trashy romance novels and fanatisize about him? You read the trashy words and think about what he does with you? So what's the title, hmm? Incest for Idiots? Not so innocent incest?" Juri said while mockingly moving the puppet about.
Tears filled Anshii's eyes, but she didn't fight back. She never fought back. Juri laughed and pushed herself away. She parked herself at the the table of checkers-players.
Kozue watched and listened. She wondered what Doctor Akio had to do with this girl. They looked alike. Juri kept mentioning brother and sister and incest. Kozue wondered if it was true. Akio didn't get involved with mental cases. However, his sister couldn't sue him. His sister, quiet and submissive, would do whatever he asked. Well, it seemed possible and a little too believable in Kozue's mind.
*~*
Miki was always so quiet. Maybe that's why he didn't love me. I was too loud. Too obnoxious. Too flirtatious. He was so quiet.
His piano was never quiet though. He always sat in there and played that haunting song. We used to play it together when we were little. We were going to play it in a recital together. I wasn't very good at it. I just did what he told me too. I let him take control. Then he wasn't there. I played alone at the recital. I ran off the stage in tears. I'll never follow his lead again. I'll never been submissive again. Maybe that's why he didn't love me.
*~*
Juri parked her rolling chair in front of Kozue and stared at her. The staring eventually got to her, and her thoughts finally came back to the current situation.
"You think alot, don't ya?" Juri asked.
"Yeah.." Kozue replied.
"About what?"
"Random things."
"Sounds fun."
"So.. what were talking to Anshii about? She seemed upset."
"Why does it matter to you?"
"Because her crying keeps me up at night. If it's nothing serious, I'll tell her to shut up."
"It's nothing serious. She just gets it on with her brother."
"Who's her brother?"
"Doctor Akio. Know him?"
"Yep."
"Did you get it on with him?"
"No. He's too well-praticed for me. He's the town bicycle, everyone gets a ride."
"Smart girl."
Juri and Kozue grinned at each other then laughed. For once Kozue didn't feel so alone in Parkland. She wondered why Juri had been there so long. Still, it didn't matter.
*~*
"Shiori," Juri whispered sweetly, "wake up, love."
"Hm?" Kozue mumbled sleepily, "what time is it?"
"Late. Way past bedtime. Come on, I've got to show you something. It'll be fun, I promise."
"But Juri..."
"Come on, Shiori, love." Juri said while pulling the sleepy girl out of bed.
Kozue had grown used to Juri calling her Shiori and love. She didn't correct her anymore. Juri was her friend. Shiori was Juri's best friend. Kozue was glad to thought of as Shiori. However, she wasn't glad to be pulled out of bed. Still, she followed Juri.
They walked down the hallway and slipped through a door. They walked down another hallway. When they reached the next door, Juri stopped and picked the lock with her hair pin. When they walked through the door, ten other residents were there to greet them.
"Come on, Shiori, it's about to be story time." Juri said with an evil gleam in her eyes.
The group walked through the dark hallway and down a dark staircase. They walked through another door. On the other side was the first floor. It was empty at night. They walked across to Miss Nanami's office. Juri picked the lock and led the group inside.
They all inside. Some on the couch. Some on the floor. Juri sat in Nanami's chair and instructed Kozue to sit on the desk. It was if Juri led the group, and Kozue was her beloved second-in-command. One-by-one the charts were read. The comments in the charts were grim. They'd be here awhile. Some would never leave. Finally Juri reached Kozue's chart.
"Typical borderline." Juri read aloud.
"Let me see that," Kozue said while leaning over and reading the chart upside down. Kozue sighed. She thought she was getting better but her chart didn't agree. Tears filled her eyes.
"Read it, read it!" one resident said.
"No, that's it, storytime is over. Move out." Juri said.
The residents reluctantly got up and made their way to their secret staircase and hallway. Kozue started to cry as soon as they had left. Juri held Kozue in her arms.
"Shush now, Shiori, it's not so bad. At least we have each other, love. Come on, let's go back. You need your sleep." Juri said sweetly and softly.
Kozue sighed. These words of comfort clearly weren't meant for her. Still, being Juri's Shiori seemed much better than being borderline Kozue.
*~*
They all sat in the entertainment room. What else was there to do every day? Kozue sat on the couch watching the residents. Juri rolled around on her "borrowed" chair. Typical day.
"You have a visitor, Kozue." Utena said.
Kozue looked up and grinned when she saw Touga standing in the hallway. She nearly jumped off the couch and ran to him. She quickly grabbed his wrist and lead him into her room.
*~*
"Just like old time, hm, Kozue?" Touga said while Kozue quickly managed to pull his shirt off. How he'd missed her. No one else had quite the skill she possessed.
"You still talk too much." Kozue said.
*~*
Juri watched the hallway. She knew Wakaba would be doing room checks by now. As soon as she saw the onion-princess in the hallway, she rolled herself in front of her.
"So, how are ya, Wakaba?" Juri asked.
"Fine, now move so I can finish room checks." Wakaba said.
Wakaba moved toward the door of Anshii and Kozue's shared room. Juri, in a desperate attempt to buy time for Kozue, snatched Wakaba's pen and held it against her throat.
"Don't you have time for me, Wakaba? What if I jam this pen in my aorta?" Juri snapped.
"Your aorta is in your heart." Utena said while snatching the pen from Juri and pulling her and the rolling chair back toward the entertainment room.
Wakaba opened the door and gasped at the sight of the half-clothed Touga and Kozue in compromising positions. Utena ran back and peered in the room.
"Kozue, you have permission to go outside. I suggest you go." Utena said.
Kozue sighed from underneath Touga, and they reluctantly put their shirts back on.
*~*
"You're not crazy. You don't belong here." Touga said while running his hand throug her short, blue tresses.
"I am crazy. I'm a borderline. I'm sick... and I need treatment." Kozue said.
"No, it's not true. I don't care what my sister says. You're not like those people in there. Just run away with me. Come on. Let's go, right now. We'll just run away."
"I can't do that."
"Why not?"
"Those are my friends up there. I can't leave them like this."
"Friends? Kozue, they're crazy. They'll never leave here. Don't become like them! Just run away with me, please!"
"Touga... I can't."
"Kozue, please, you're not thinking clearly right now. Just leave with me while you have the chance."
"Touga... that's just the problem. I'm never thinking clearly."
"Kozue..."
"I'm sorry, Touga... goodbye."
Kozue sighed and walked back inside. Touga stared and looked as though he might break down and sob right there. He looked up and saw watching eyes peering out from the second story window. Juri's eyes sparkled. Her Shiori hadn't left her.
*~*
"Anshii's leaving? What the heck?" Juri asked.
"It's true." Kozue replied.
They both sat on the couch. Juri had her arm around Kozue. Kozue leaned her head comfortably against Juri's shoulder. There was a blanket drapped over them. It was cold. The heater was broken. There they sat discussing the most rescent development in Parkland.
"Tell me what you know." Juri demanded.
"Akio bought her house. Nanami signed the release forms. She's leaving tomorrow." Kozue said.
"He must've gotten it on with Nanami."
"You think that's it?"
"Yeah. Nanami doesn't get it much. There's this younger man she's seeing. Much younger. Good thing you aren't involved with her brother anymore. I heard she gets it on with him too."
"What's up with all the incest here?"
"I don't know. If it keeps up like this, they'll be calling this place Incestland. You don't have a brother you fool around with, do ya, Shiori?"
"I have a twin brother. He doesn't love me though."
"Oh?"
"Yeah.. I loved him so much, but he never returned my affection. He was smart though. They sent him away to the university when we were so young. He was mad when he left me. I haven't seen him since. I loved him though..."
"Well, that's different. It's always a different case with twins."
"So, it's okay for me to love him?"
"Yep. Twins have a love no one else can understand."
Kozue smiled.
*~*
Juri was my best friend. I feared her so much at our first meeting. I feared her angry spirit. I feared her insanity. I was insane too though. Or so I thought. It was okay for me to sit on the couch with Juri. It was okay for me to lead the group through the secret hallway and sit on Miss Nanami's desk as Juri's second-in-command. It was okay for me to be Juri's watchful eye in the entertainment room. It was okay for me to be her partner-in-crime and report anything that was happening in Parkland.
Juri understood me. I was her Shiori. I was her love. Everything was okay with Juri. Utena didn't understand. Wakaba didn't understand. Touga didn't understand. Nanami didn't understand. Juri understood, and she was all that mattered then.
She told me it was okay to love Miki. Everything was okay with Juri.
*~*
A blue-haired orderly had brought his ladder and new lightbulbs into Anshii and Kozue's shared room. Anshii was sitting in the entertainment room watching TV. She was allowed to because Nanami had declared her "okay". Anshii would be leaving in the morning.
Anshii told the orderly Kozue was sleeping. He said would go in and change the lightbulbs. Kozue wasn't asleep. She was anxious about the coming day. Anshii would be leaving. Juri would cause trouble, and Kozue would be right by her side. Second-in-command. Partner-in-crime. Best friend.
"Why do you change the lights in the middle of the night?" Kozue inquired.
The orderly gasped. He knew that voice. He had thought the name was a coincidence, but she held the same voice as his angel.
"Because... I didn't want to disturb you during the day. I know you draw in your little book during the day, so I change the lights for you while you sleep." he said.
"How did you know I draw during the day? I haven't seen you around before..." Kozue said.
"I stop by and watch you sometimes."
"Why?"
"Well... you're awfully pretty."
"Really?"
"Mhmm. I'd love to take you out sometime, when Nanami releases you. We could go to a movie or something."
"That'd be nice."
The orderly smiled and finished changing the lights. He started to move his ladder, but Kozue's hand reached out toward him.
"Don't leave me yet, Miki." she whispered.
The orderly gasped again.
"How did you know?" he asked.
"You honestly think I could forget you?"
"But it's dark in here... how did you?"
"I know your voice."
"But I've been whispering."
"I know your voice."
"But-"
"I've missed you, Miki."
"I've missed you, Kozue."
"Just... sit with me until I fall asleep, okay?"
"But.. Utena.."
"She's asleep. I won't tell on you. Besides, I'm just asking for you to sit here... not to sleep with me or anything that would get you in trouble."
"Well.. alright.."
Kozue smiled when Miki sat down. He brushed a few of her power-blue bangs from out of her eyes and smiled at her. Slowly she drifted off into contented sleep.
*~*
I never wanted him to leave me. I loved Miki. I loved his quiet nature. His brilliant mind. His smile. Sure, we had our differences, but I never wanted him to leave.
Maybe that's why I started to sleep with Touga more frequently then. Touga loved me. Touga gave me the things Miki wouldn't. Miki left me. Touga stayed.
Touga came to take me away from Parkland. Touga left me.
Miki came to change the lights in Parkland. Miki stayed.
*~*
"You're just jealous because you're still stuck here." Anshii stated quietly.
"I'm not jealous. I have Shiori here with me." Juri said.
"She's not Shiori. Her name is Kozue. Shiori is gone."
"Shut up!"
Juri slapped her. It was a loud slap too. Loud enough to wake up Kozue. Kozue didn't move though. She merely peered at what was happening between the two.
"You're just jealous." Anshii stated again.
"Of what? You going to your own personal house of incest? Living to be your brother's slave? That's not a life. That's nothing to be jealous of."
Anshii sighed and carried her two suitcases out the door.
"You're just jealous." she repeated, as if she had to convince herself more than Juri.
Juri shook her head and walked away. Her day was spent in the entertainment room. Kozue's was spent in wonderous thoughts of Miki.
*~*
"Miki..." Kozue whispered, "what time is it?"
"4:45 in the morning. They'll start giving medicine soon. I better go." Miki replied.
"Don't leave me, please.."
"I have to. If they catch me with you, I'll lose my job."
"Why? You haven't done anything wrong."
"But.. I might."
"Hmm?"
"Oh, Kozue, I come in here every night. I sit beside you. I stare at you while you sleep. It takes all the strength I have from kissing you. If I ever did kiss you, who knows what sorts of trouble that would lead to. Kozue, I just can't do that. I'll lose my job for sure."
"You want to kiss me?"
"Yes."
"I won't tell anyone if you kiss me."
"Kozue.. I..."
"Shush, Miki..."
Kozue sat up and stared into his blue eyes. She inched closer to him, and there was nothing he could do to stop her. She brushed her lips lightly against his. They continued to exchange kisses until Utena walked in to give Kozue her medicine. Miki was quickly thrown out of Kozue's room. Kozue acted as though she was sleeping. Utena was clearly angry. She picked Kozue up and carried her down the hallway.
"Put me down!" Kozue yelled.
"Oh, I'll put you down." Utena hissed.
Utena carried her into the large bathroom and tossed her into the cold tub of water. Kozue kicked and screamed and angrily splashed the water about.
"What did you do that for?" Kozue yelled.
"You deserved it, Sunshine." Utena said.
"What for? Huh? What am I in trouble for? Trying to get it on with my boyfriend or for kissing an orderly?"
"Both."
*~*
Miki was moved to the third story to work with the physically challenged. He came to visit me a few times at night, but Utena caught him as he was leaving the last time. I was so sad. I hated Utena then. She'd taken Touga from me. She'd taken Miki from me. I hated her.
*~*
"Shiori, love." Juri whispered.
"Yes?" Kozue replied.
"Come on, we're leaving."
"Where are we going?"
"To see Anshii."
"How?"
"I copied the address out of Nanami's file. If we leave now, we can get on the bus."
Juri didn't wait for an answer. She grabbed Kozue's wrist and pulled her out bed like she usually did when she wanted something and didn't care about Kozue's thoughts on the matter. They ran through the secret hallway, down the secret staircase, and out the door. They ran through the snow. It was cold and dark outside, but they ran. Juri ran because she always ran away. Kozue ran because she did whatever Juri asked her to.
They reached the bus-stop just in time to catch the bus. They sat together in the back and tried to stay warm. Juri was happy to have Kozue snuggled up against her. She lightly kissed Kozue's forehead. Kozue looked up and smiled at Juri.
*~*
"Anshii, let me in!" Juri yelled as she pounded on the door.
"Wait... this'll never work. Let me try." Kozue said.
Juri nodded and stepped back. Kozue lightly tapped on the door.
"Anshii, it's Kozue. Can I come in, please?" she asked.
Anshii slowly unlocked the door and opened it for Kozue. Juri, however, stormed in.
"I'm sorry, Anshii. We.. we need a place to stay." Kozue said.
"For how long?" Anshii asked.
"Just tonight." Kozue said.
"Why?" Anshii asked.
"We're leaving for Florida in the morning. We need somewhere to sleep." Juri said.
"Fine.. fine.. you can sleep on the couch. It's one of those that folds out into a sofa bed." Anshii said.
Kozue and Anshii pulled out the sofa bed and fixed the sheets and pillows. Juri peered around at the house with a psychotic gleam dancing in her eyes. She looked over at Anshii and carefully studied her.
"So, how's Akio?" Juri asked.
"Fine." Anshii replied.
Kozue crawled under the sheets and tried to go to sleep. She didn't want to hear another arguement between the two.
"Has he been over already?" Juri asked.
"Many times."
"How many?"
"Usually three times a day... sometimes more."
"His patients must not be giving him anything."
"Juri... stop this..."
Juri grinned and grabbed Anshii's wrist. She turned it over and looked at it. There were cuts from her wrist to her elbow.
"Anshii, look at this. You're chopping yourself up. You weren't supposed to leave, were you? No, your brother went and slept with Nanami. That's how you got out. So you sit here and chop yourself up." Juri hissed.
"Juri, stop it. Just shut up." Kozue said.
"You put that razor blade to your wrist. You put there when Akio leaves. When your reason for living leaves, you put that blade up to your wrist and pray you have the courage to press harder." Juri hissed.
"Shut up!" Kozue yelled.
Anshii stared blankly for a moment, and Juri released her grip on Anshii's wrist.
"I... I like to sleep late in the morning. So, don't wake me up, just leave.." Anshii said as she trudged up the stairs.
*~*
The same song played over-and-over again. It wouldn't stop. Over-and-over. Kozue sighed and pulled herself out of bed. Juri was sitting on the kitchen counter reading the directions for how to cook pancakes.
"Is Anshii still asleep?" Kozue asked.
"I guess so. She hasn't come down yet. That stupid song won't stop though." Juri said.
"Maybe.. I should check on her."
"Yeah, you should. While you're up there, be sure to turn that music off."
Kozue walked up the stairs. She looked in Anshii's bedroom, but she wasn't there. She turned off the record player and walked back into the hallway. She noticed the bathroom door was closed. She couldn't hear anything. She slowly opened the door and gapsed at the sight before her.
Anshii was dead. Anshii was hanging from ceiling. Dead. She was pale and lifeless. Dead. Kozue screamed and turned around. Juri was standing there grinning. Juri walked into the bathroom and reaching into Anshii's pocket. She pulled out ten dollars and smiled.
"You.. you did this to her!" Kozue screamed as tears streamed down her face.
Juri shrugged her shoulders and walked down the stairs and out the door.
*~*
The ambulence came and took Anshii's dead body away. Nanami took Kozue back to Parkland. The next few months held many changes for Kozue. These were finally good changes. She cried in Utena's arms and begged for forgiveness. She said her apologies to the residents. She let Miss Nanami know everything that was running through her mind. She finally began to recover.
Nanami signed the release forms. An apartment and a job were waiting for Kozue. Miki was waiting for her too. Just one night left. One night.
*~*
Juri had been found and brought back. Utena told Juri that Kozue would be leaving and not to bother her. It was late at night. Utena put Juri in her room and left. Juri had other plans in mind. She stole Kozue's journal and took it with the residents to the secret hallway for storytime.
Juri's voice echoed in Kozue's sleep. She went into the secret hallway. All she could hear was Juri. Juri's voice once so sweet and loving was purely evil.
"Stop this, Juri! Stop!" Kozue pleaded.
"I'm just playing the villian, love, isn't that what you wanted?"
Kozue ran. There was nothing else she could do. She just ran until there was no where to run.
"Why doesn't anyone do anything to me? Hm? Everyone's got buttons to push. I pushed Anshii's and look at her. Hanging from the ceiling. I push your buttons and look at you. Running like a scared little girl. Why doesn't anyone push my buttons? Hmm?" Juri yelled.
"Because you're dead already!" Kozue screamed.
Juri stopped dead in her tracks. Kozue slowly turned around and stared at her.
"You're cold and dead inside." Kozue hissed.
Juri sat in the floor and cried.
*~*
Juri was in the room for the uncontrollables. She was strapped to the bed. Kozue sat beside her and painted her nails.
"You're going to get better. I know you will. You're going to come see me. Not because you escaped, but because you got released." Kozue said.
"Really? You think so?" Juri asked softly.
"I know you will." Kozue said.
"I love you... Kozue."
"I love you, Juri."
*~*
Utena hugged the blue-haired girl while her bags were being put in the cab.
"Now think of me every time you shave your legs." Utena said.
"I'm sure I will. Thank you for everything." Kozue said.
Kozue slipped into the cab and waved goodbye to Parkland.
"Where to, Miss?" the green-haired cab driver asked.
"1298 Dreamstreet." Kozue replied.
"Hey, I remember you. Are you better now?" he asked.
"Yep."
*~*
A recovered borderline. I don't know what that means. I do know one thing though. I was never crazy. They all said I was crazy, but I wasn't. I was just a girl. . .interrupted.