Chapter 2
SATURDAY, 03:26
Mark woke with a jolt, screams emanating from his sons apartment downstairs. He wrapped his dressing gown around himself and noting the time made his way down to Steve's bedroom.
The scene was much the same as the night before, Steve lay feverishly thrashing on his bed, mumbling to himself then calling out wildly. Mark perched himself at his side and began to speak softly. Tonight it seemed Steve could hear him, he settled a little before curling up into a tight ball. Mark placed his hand on Steve's forehead as he fidgeted slightly. He began with his mantra of soothing words "It's OK son, you're home now, it's OK".
SATURDAY, 06:47
Mark wasn't surprised to hear the door close as Steve sneaked out early to avoid him. He'd had another rough night and Mark had only returned upstairs to his own bed about a half hour ago.
Steve arrived at CGH and made his way up to the 4th floor. Amanda wasn't usually on duty this early and as far as he knew Jesse and his dad didn't start 'til 10 today. This maybe wasn't a traditional visiting hour in the hospital, but he could avoid those awkward questions this was he thought.
Approaching room 441 Steve stopped a moment to make sure nobody was watching. He pushed the door open a little and in the darkened room could make out the shape of a body, peacefully asleep in the bed. A wheelchair was folded beside the door and a prosthetic limb was propped up in the corner. The sight of both made Steve shiver slightly. He quietly lifted the file from the foot of the bed and began leafing through the pages. A noise in the corridor startled him, the patient stirred but to Steve's obvious relief didn't wake. Replacing the file Steve smiled a little and left the room.
SATURDAY, 15:53
It was clear to Mark by the sudden silence that he had interrupted Jesse and Amanda discussing Steve when he entered the path lab. The young doctors had rather guilty looks on their faces but did their best to think of some trivial medical matter to talk about. Mark, of course, did not voice his suspicions, but waited for them to finish their conversation so that he had a chance to speak.
"Good afternoon" he started in mock seriousness, "I have a matter of relative importance I wish to discuss with you, my esteemed colleagues, if you would be so kind as to spare me the time". Amanda and Jesse laughed, and settled themselves down, eager to hear what he had to say.
"You can guess what it's about. Steve" he started. "I don't suppose he's been in touch?"
"Not since you asked about an hour ago" Jesse replied, and Amanda shot his a stern look. "Sorry" he added.
"He's got me more than a little confused, came to see me here yesterday, said he wanted to talk then he disappeared, didn't get home 'til late. When he did come home he decided to go all cryptic on me, muttering something about research then he was out at the crack of dawn this morning, no word since."
"Could it be unrelated?" Amanda asked "Some case he's working on?"
"According to the station, Steve has requested a few days leave".
The three looked at each other in amazement.
"Steve doesn't take leave" Jesse pointed out "he'd go to work with every bone in his body broken if we didn't stop him".
Mark threw his hands in the air "I know, that's why I hoped he'd been in touch with one of you guys. I'm just getting this horrible feeling that he might..ah..no."
"What Mark?" Amanda asked.
"Steve used to have this idea that problems are like a personal challenge, you know, a test of your character. He used to think he had to do everything alone, that if he had me, or his friends help him out, then it didn't count, he'd failed. I'm just frightened he's going to shoot off somewhere to clear his head and come back in a worse mess".
"Didn't he ever hear about 'a problem shared is a problem halved'" Jesse joked.
Amanda shot him another glare "I think what Jesse means is, Steve knows he can talk to us, or you Mark, about anything". Her tone was so sure, yet Mark looked anything but convinced as he dropped his head. Amanda had a bad feeling about this now, she was sure there was something Mark was holding back but she was unsure whether to ask or not.
Jesse of course had no such qualms.
"Is there something I'm missing here Mark?".
Mark looked up at Jesse, cleared his throat then began talking slowly. "I shouldn't blame his attitude on him, I made him that way. When Steve came back from Vietnam" He paused as he always did when mentioning his son and that awful place in the same breath. "Well, it was easiest for his mother and I to try and get things back to normal as soon as possible. I know that sounds ridiculous, cowardly almost, but it was the only way we could think of to get through it. Of course we acknowledged his physical wounds, his leg you know, and we supported him through that but the nightmares…" Mark trailed off slightly
"..it was like Steve wanted to brush it under the carpet as much as we did, guess he hasn't changed much" Mark managed a faint smile at the thought of his sons attitude. "Only trouble being you can't just forget about things like that. So Steve would try his best to put a brave face on things for his mother, nodding and smiling in all the right places but I saw what he was really going through. It was like he was holding back so much, it was eating away at him". Mark sighed "Ah, what am I trying to get at?" He asked himself out loud "Steve had been back home a few weeks when he had his first nightmare, I mean the first time we heard him cry out. It wasn't as bad as the other night but he was pretty distressed all the same. I told Katherine not to worry, it was only natural"
"Which it is" Jesse interrupted.
Mark nodded "Oh yes, perfectly natural. Except the next morning nobody made an attempt to talk about it. I guess Steve thought we didn't hear him. But the nightmares became more and more frequent and worse each time by the sounds of them. His mother fussed over him every morning which just seemed to agitate him, and if we woke him during the night he was too confused to know what was going on. I hoped they'd stop, but they didn't, so one day I sat him down for a talk. Well, I got it all wrong." Mark threw his arms in the air
"I don't believe that" Jesse said, still thinking in envy of the relationship Steve had with Mark.
"Things were different then" Mark said shaking his head " I got it all wrong, talked to him about getting professional help which he took to mean I thought he was crazy. The truth was, I really didn't think he would open up to me, and he wouldn't have told his mother about the atrocities he'd seen, he wanted to protect her from the truth more than anything".
Amanda smiled slightly at the thought of a son protecting a mother from the horrors of the world. Thinking of CJ so small and defenceless it seemed almost absurd.
"So" Mark continued "I figured we'd just about hit stalemate, he was trying his best to pacify his mother, and Katherine was happy to go along with the notion that Steve was happily planning his new life. On the other hand he was blanking me totally except for the occasional outburst about how I thought he was a failure, or that he was mad". Jesse was looking more confused by each word Mark spoke. In his eyes theirs was the perfect father-son partnership. Mark lent back a moment and the trio sat silently. Mark tossed ideas around in his head, not quite knowing what to say next.
"OK" He said finally "I'm telling you all of this in the strictest of confidence. If Steve knew what I was saying I don't know what he'd do". Jesse and Amanda shot worried glances at each other. "I came home from work one afternoon" Mark continued, eyes half shut as if replaying the scene in his mind. "Steve was home alone but I could hear him talking to someone. It was like he was having a conversation with the invisible man, he'd say his part, pause and then reply. I watched him for a little while, he was sat at the kitchen table. He must have talked for a good 15 minutes like that. I picked up that he was talking to a fellow soldier at first, I don't know if he was reliving a real scenario or not but he was telling this guy all about his family. He spoke about Katherine with such love, and Carol too. You know he said little sisters could be a pain and get you into trouble but that she was OK really. Then he started talking about me being a doctor, how he was a disappointment to me and hearing that nearly broke my heart. I was just about to interrupt him when his mood changed totally. All I can guess is that in his mind there was now an enemy soldier present, he started screaming and shouting and I had no idea what to do. And then he started to sob, like he did the other night. I'd never heard my son cry like that. And he was a grown man. It scares me to death to think what he must have seen to make him cry like that."
Mark fell silent as he pondered his last statement.
"What happened Mark" Amanda asked gently.
Mark shook his head "I just left him to it" he croaked, the self-disgust apparent in his voice. "I walked back out, he never even knew I was there".
"So did you find out who he'd been talking to at the kitchen table?" Jesse inquired.
"The only real facts I have ever gained from Steve about that period of his life he's revealed in bits and pieces as time's gone on. Because I was too afraid to make him open up, I took the easy way out. And now I'm feeling,…guilty I suppose because, not surprisingly, Steve thinks he has to go through this alone. I wish he'd open up to me now. We're so much closer, I just don't how to get him talking without frightening him off."
SATURDAY, 19:22
Steve sat alone in the beach house, the TV continued to talk to itself as he folded his arms behind his head and lay back. He expected his father home soon, there was so much he wanted to say to him, he just had to take that first step. He closed his eyes momentarily as slow flashing images started to invade his brain.
Mark pulled up in his car, noticing that there was a light on and the flickering of the TV, he smiled to himself. At least Steve was here, all he had to do now was find a way to instigate the conversation he thought.
"Good evening" he chirped as he opened the door and made his way towards the sofa. Steve sat up to make room for him but Mark perched himself on the coffee table directly in front of him instead. He sat smiling, hands resting on his knees as Steve moved uncomfortably in his seat. To the casual observer, Mark and Steve could be mistaken for scolding parent and tear away teenager. "How you feeling today?" Mark asked, and to his relief Steve didn't hesitate in his answer or make a move to leave.
"I'm pretty average" He replied smiling, "I mean I'm in need of a good nights sleep as I'm sure you appreciate" Mark nodded "but I'm relieved that I got to the bottom of what's been…." he paused for the first time "I mean I know now what's caused the dreams"
Mark couldn't hide his surprise at Steve's direct answer "That's great" he beamed "I mean that's good" he re-stated in more solemn tones. "So is it anything you want to discuss? I mean only if you want to of course, no hurry".
"It's OK dad, I know you've probably been walking on eggshells the last couple of days, I know you're just concerned".
That's an understatement, Mark thought. Just then Steve reached out, placing his hand on Marks arm. "Dad, I am going to take you up on that offer of a chat, and I'm not putting it off" he smirked "But I figure you probably want to shower so how about I fix something to eat and we discuss it over supper?"
"How about I shower and you call for take away?" Mark suggested
Steve nodded "Deal".
SATURDAY, 20:35
Mark finished scraping leftovers into the bin as Steve hovered behind him. When Mark turned to face him it was obvious he was bursting to talk, so gestured that they should sit back at the table.
"It's a patient of yours" Steve began without any prompting "I was unsure why I had that dream on Thursday, it seemed so out of the blue. Then it hit me, when I came to see you at the hospital, you were discussing a patient, JJ Douglas."
Mark was confused but let Steve continue, after all he seemed very sure about this theory.
"You were discussing him when I got in from work on Thursday, but I just went and crashed out. I caught the name but it didn't register, not until I was asleep and then whatever it is, your subconscious, that took over. Then I heard the name again on Friday and it rang a bell." Mark was now seeing the pieces fit together.
"So you went and did your research" he added
"Well yeah, I wanted to check I was on the right track. But I did take a bit of the day just to, you know, mull some stuff over"
"As long as you know you don't have to mull alone" Mark laughed
"I know" said Steve "it's funny, I heard the name and knew it was somebody I…I served with, that should have been enough. That was the reason the dreams started again." He wrung his hands a little "guess it's the detective in me, wanted to check I had the right guy!"
"So our Mr Douglas is the source of this" Mark continued "You two were friends?"
Steve pondered for a moment "Our paths crossed for a short time. We weren't ever best buddies but for the short time I knew him, he was a good guy, really good in fact. He'd had it tough you know, before he signed up I mean, I suppose I felt sorry for him. He was about the only person I met who felt like he didn't have much to go back to. Made me realise how lucky I was"…."not that I needed much reminding" he added.
Mark smiled warmly at his son. There was silence for a while then Mark asked "If it's not too difficult, do you want to talk about the dreams?"
Steve ran his fingers through his hair and rested his hands on the back of his head, elbows planted on the table. Mark thought for a moment that Steve was about to cry, but with his head dropped and eyes fixed on the tabletop he began to explain.
"Usually the dreams are, non-specific shall we say. They're either a montage of events or they're not even real, y'know, not actually things that happened to me. Maybe they're scenes from bad TV movies or I'm putting stories I've heard into pictures. Maybe it's just my imagination. But this time it's been different. The dream I had on Thursday night, it was a direct action replay you know. Every moment played out in detail, when a second lasts a lifetime, or you try to run and get nowhere" Steve looked up at his father and drawing a deep breath continued. "I talked to Dougie the morning his was injured" he croaked "hell I was talking to him up until the last minute" he broke off and covered his eyes with his hands.
Mark put a reassuring hand on Steve's shoulder, a signal to him that he didn't have to continue. "It's not like I hadn't seen it before" he whispered, and Mark had to lean in closer to hear him "We'd all seen it too many times before but it was so close dad. He was almost as close as you are to me now. It could have been me, that could be me now lying in hospital, living in a wheelchair".
Mark rubbed his hand soothingly over Steve's back as he sat shaking his head, almost in disbelief over what might have been. "Seeing him lying there this morning made me realise how lucky I am, that I was able to get back to a normal life". Mark felt like pointing out to Steve that nobody who left Vietnam did so in the same state as they'd gone there. But Steve knew that, he was referring to the physical aspect. In Steve's case that involved a hard road to recovery, but ultimately he was left unimpaired. Then something clicked in Marks head.
"You went to see him in the hospital?" Mark asked
"Just for a moment, he was asleep. I just wanted to check the details on his chart. I know that was wrong but I wanted to be sure it was him. It's funny, after all this time the first place I see him again is in a hospital bed, the last time I saw him he was laid out in the field hospital."
"Do you think you'll go and visit him again. When he's awake this time I mean?"
Steve shook his head "I don't really think so. I'm not into all that reunion glory day stuff. And it's kinda unfair to surprise him when he's like a sitting duck in his hospital room. I've got his address, but I don't know that I feel like talking to him right now. I'll let the dust settle first, maybe in a few weeks or so I'll drop him a line. I'm just pleased I figured where the dreams came from all of a sudden, kinda stupid isn't it?"
Mark smiled hesitantly at Steve who was still buried in thought. "I'm gonna take a little walk" he said, realising that his son needed some space "I'll see you in a bit"
"It's late" Steve called out as Mark made his way onto the deck
"Won't be long" his father replied stepping onto the moonlit beach.
SUNDAY, 10:35
The warm morning sun streamed into the Sloans beach house as Mark sat on the deck leafing through a newspaper. Steve appeared in the doorway, bleary eyed, stretching his arms and squinting in the sun. "Can't believe I slept through the alarm" he croaked as he took a seat next to his father.
"I'm pleased you did" Mark replied "you needed it". There was a pause "Did you sleep all night?"
Steve smiled, he knew what he was asking "I was pretty restless 'til about two thirty, three, after that I just crashed. But I feel better, much better in fact. Now I can put all this behind me, …again" he stressed. He looked out at the golden beach "I'm gonna get ready for a run then I should do some paper work, back to work tomorrow" he exclaimed.
"OK, Jesse and Amanda are coming over for lunch so don't make it a marathon".
Steve nodded and re-entered the beach house. Mark was still concerned about his son, it seemed as if he'd packed this episode away too neatly. Knowing Steve he'd be glad he'd figured out the cause of the nightmares so quickly, proud of his detective skills almost. But he was likely to assume this was the end of it, one half-decent night sleep and he convinces himself it's out of his system. Mark knew all to well that nothing was further from the truth.