Chapter 3
WEDNESDAY, 20:17
Steve slammed his car door and strode into the beach house, slamming the front door and marching into the kitchen. He almost ripped the fridge door from it's hinges, grabbed a carton of juice and, for good measure, slammed the door shut with a thud. He turned to see three very different expressions looking up at him from the kitchen table; his father in concern, Amanda in embarrassment and Jesse in what seemed to be amusement. Steve made no effort to greet any of them, merely grunted something about being sick of spending his day with scum of the earth and stormed down to his apartment, slamming his door as he went.
After a moment of silence Mark spoke softly, gesturing in the direction of the recent tornado through the house "That" he stated "that is what I mean when I say he's been in an awful mood. Almost three weeks I've had that now, it's like living with a teenager again."
"Wow" said Jesse "that's more than getting out of the wrong side of bed. He must have said something to you about what's up"
"I'm telling you" Mark continued "he won't even accept that he's acting oddly. Say's there's nothing wrong with his mood, I'm just prying. Oh and something about me wanting him to be screwed up so I can be the one to sort him out. I am getting really worried now, I honestly don't know what to do".
"He's been distant when I've seen him at work, he was in my lab a couple of days ago following up on the Schultz case" Amanda added. "But he seemed more distracted than aggressive". She thought for a while "though come to think of it I called him at the station, query he had about one of the victims and he was pretty snappy then, I figured it was work related. How has he been sleeping?"
"From what I can tell" Mark replied "he's been restless, up through the night watching TV, but I haven't heard anything else, not since those nightmares at the start of this whole thing".
"And you're convinced his mood is still related to my patient?" Jesse added
Mark nodded, "has to be, he has a string of terrifying nightmares, comes face to face with an awful realisation of how his life could have turned out, and in less than a week he's acting like nothing happened. Then 'bang', a week after that I'm living with him in this state" he paused "Or maybe I'm not". Jesse and Amanda shot him quizzical looks. Without prompting Mark continued in a quiet, saddened hush "He's talking about moving out, don't know if he's serious or not but it's the last thing I want to happen". He pondered a moment "I'm no psychologist Jesse but Steve tried too hard to brush this under the carpet, we all know there's no quick fix for this.
"So what's the plan?" Amanda started "We can't just leave him like this". She knew she was stating the obvious and hoped not to hurt Marks feelings in doing so. "What I mean", she continued, "is that if he won't talk to you then would you like one of us to try?".
"I don't think he's going to talk to any of us, I don't even know that he'd listen" Mark replied, shaking his head in defeat.
"And in that mood he's probably gonna try and knock my head off my shoulders if I go trying to play big brother" Jesse added.
"Well" continued Amanda "He may not talk, he may not listen, but I know Steve" She stood with her arms braced down on the kitchen table " and Steve would never hit a woman". The curl of her lip however did not match her determined tone.
With Marks shrug of apathy, Amanda sighed and made her way down to Steve's apartment. Mark and Jesse shared a glance, eyebrows raised as they heard her knock sharply on Steve's door.
WEDNESDAY, 20:35
Amanda stood leaning defiantly on the doorframe, Steve hadn't really invited her in, just sort of left the door half open as he continued with, what she presumed was 'tidying up'. She was no feng-shui expert but this place had bad vibes. It felt dingy down here, warm and depressing. Steve continued bustling around her, moving clothes from piles on the floor to piles on a chair, rummaging through drawers and leafing through papers. She stayed there quietly watching him, his brow furrowed and she thought maybe even his teeth were clenched.
After a long while Steve faced Amanda and let out a sharp breath "I told him already, I'm fine" he barked "That stuff with the Douglas guy is over, couple of crappy dreams and he's trying to force me into a nervous breakdown. I had a bad day at work, what does he want me to say? Look Amanda" he continued, barely pausing for breath "It's good that he cares and whatever, but he needs to drop this. I'm not crazy" he yelled "I don't need to see a shrink or to sit pouring my guts out to him, so you can go and tell him I'm fine".
Amanda was visibly upset by Steve's outburst, and for that he felt bad. But he was annoyed she was down here doing his fathers dirty work. He continued tidying up, expecting her to leave given his petulant remarks. He couldn't blame her or his father for that matter, caring for him wasn't a crime. Maybe it should be, he thought to himself and almost smiled. He opened the closet door, threw some bed sheets towards the linen basket and missed. He slammed the door shut and when it bounced back open he gave it a couple of kicks for good measure. Standing back he could see the damage to the wood and paintwork, went to give it another kick but stopped. Behind him he heard a faint gasp, almost a sob. He turned slowly.
With a lump in her throat Amanda timidly asked "What happened?" She hadn't realised how tight her voice box was until she heard the whimper from her lips. Steve hadn't realised that she was still standing there watching him. Tears started to brim in her eyes yet Steve didn't answer. The truth was he didn't know what she was asking. The heavy drops began to roll down her cheeks leaving Steve in a guilty state of silence. Amanda too felt bad, she hoped he didn't mistake these for crocodile tears intended as some sort of emotional blackmail.
Finally, with his head dropped, Steve attempted to reply "You mean what happened in..when I served in" Amanda shook her head.
"Here Steve" she croaked. "What made you decide that Mark's out to hurt you, what happened that made you think you couldn't talk to Jesse?" She paused "What made you think you couldn't come to me Steve?" her voice broke now and her fingertips rested on her brow, hand trying to hide the tears flowing down her face. "We're supposed to be friends, for goodness sake Steve, don't you know how much I care about you?"
Steve couldn't remember seeing his friend this upset before, hated the fact that he apparently, was the cause. Amanda continued to lean against the doorframe, arms tightly wrapped around herself, no attempt made at concealing her tears now. With all the negative feelings he had bottled up inside himself right now he didn't know what he could say to make her feel better. Layers of guilt, aggression and despair surrounded a solid core of self-loathing. He couldn't begin to explain 'what happened' to Amanda, there was no 'start', just a whole lot of pain in a hugely tangled web. He would never presume to lumber such a beautiful person with those horrors. He realised he was just standing there, making no attempt to explain or comfort her, another perfect tear rolled down her cheek, following the well worn path of it's predecessors. Steve stepped forwards and brushed it away with his thumb, allowing his palm to rest on her face. Without hesitation Amanda slipped her arms around Steve's waist and buried herself into his chest. He rested his face on top of her head and for a few minutes the friends stood there, just supporting each other.
Upstairs Jesse remained at the kitchen table whilst Mark paced the floor. "You look like a first time father in maternity, why don't you sit down?" Jesse suggested.
"Waiting for him to be born wasn't half as draining as this. I just don't know what's going on with him. I know Steve's often reserved emotionally, but this, there is obviously something wrong. A few weeks ago I was worried about him bottling up so much he'd implode, now I think he's like a loose cannon waiting to go off. How long has she been down there?" Mark asked, looking at his watch "ah, I don't think they're even talking. I know Amanda's not a bad amateur psychologist but she may have her work cut out. Shouldn't have let her go down there" he muttered as if she'd entered the lions den. "Do you hear them talking?" he asked as he tiptoed to the top of the stairs.
Down below the pair loosened the hug they'd been locked in and stood facing each other, arms slung casually around each others hips. Amanda looked up at Steve through puffy red eyes. "You OK?" she whispered, and Steve nodded in reply. She didn't believe him, but managed a faint smile "Good, 'cos I know that whatever it is that's happened, the last few weeks have been a little rough on you. And I know me coming down here and blubbing like a fool was the last thing you needed. I'm sorry". She managed another faint smile but Steve's expression remained quite stern.
He paused for a moment, glancing over Amanda's shoulder to avoid her gaze. She felt him fidgeting, he seemed uncomfortable with their stance now so Amanda pulled away. Steve let his hands stay resting on her hips and gently closed his eyes. "I never told you how much I value your friendship Amanda". It came across as a very stark statement, there was no emotion in his voice. He was quiet again, but when Amanda didn't reply he picked up on the same theme "I love being around you, and CJ" he paused and opened his eyes, looking straight at Amanda. She wore a look he couldn't quite place, and Steve continued to speak "Don't worry" he felt his lip curl into a smirk "I'm not about to drop to one knee, I'm talking about friendship, pure and simple."
Amanda's expression changed suddenly, she now wore a dreamy, almost smug look. "Cut it out" joked Steve, and Amanda beamed "I've flattered you all I'm gonna so no point batting your eyelids and waiting for more". Amanda giggled, she was so relieved to hear Steve talk like that again. At last there was emotion in his voice, and his face, and it didn't seem at all negative. She was so happy all of a sudden, yet was totally caught off guard as Steve firmly cupped her face in his strong hands and kissed her forehead. "I love you Amanda" he said, half reverting back to his matter of fact tone. It sounded strange to her, to hear him saying those words, but she knew exactly what he meant; she knew because she felt the same.
From the top of the stairs Mark peered down through the open door of the apartment. He did a double take, lowered the glasses to the end of his nose, and smiled mischievously to himself as he watched Amanda and Steve again embracing warmly.
Narative
In the following weeks Steve's mood continued to swing, though on a decreasing scale. Much to his father's relief, he'd begun to open up, just a little, enough to give him hope in the outcome of the situation. More importantly he'd given up talking about moving out of the beach house. Whilst Amanda had become Steve's main confidant, Jesse was acting as entertainment's manager; a fishing trip here, a night out there. Both were important to Steve now as he tried to balance his emotions. Mark had talked initially about Steve seeking professional help but hadn't mentioned it since. The response had been laced with accusation and Mark wanted to do as little damage to their fragile relationship as was possible. Steve now mainly dictated the topics of their chats.
Chapter 3 Continued
SATURDAY, 15:35
Steve hadn't intended to visit Amanda today, but automatic pilot of recent weeks just seemed to bring him this way as he drove across town. He sat in the car looking across at the house. "Should I go over?" he though. He decided better of it, didn't like to arrive unannounced though she'd said anytime was OK. As he sat in a world of his own a dark blue sedan pulled up across the street and honked the horn. Amanda, dressed in blue jeans and a powder blue sweatshirt skipped down the steps of the house and down to the roadside.
CJ flopped into Amanda's arms as she picked him out of the child seat in the back of the car. Steve didn't recognise the driver, blonde woman, thin but hard to tell much more from behind. "Thanks again" Amanda smiled as she waved her friend goodbye. "My poor baby" she cooed looking down at her son in her arms, yet she started to smirk. 'Fantastic' she thought, not the candy-fuelled devil she'd expected but a worn out little boy, ready for his afternoon nap. She climbed the steps then turned to close the door, but something caught her eye. Steve. He was smiling, but as he realised he'd been spotted his face dropped. "Great" he muttered "now she thinks I'm stalking her". Amanda raised a hand to acknowledge she'd seen him and Steve replied sluggishly in the same way. She started back down the steps and saw Steve freeze where he sat. "Oh-oh" she muttered "don't know if I can keep doing this". As she was almost up to the car, Steve slowly got out and walked to meet her.
"Looks like someone else didn't sleep too well" He gestured towards CJ,
"Too much Jell-O I think, but it's good, I was expecting a hyperactive sugar-high infant". Steve smiled as he rubbed CJ's cheek, but Amanda was concentrating more on the pensive look her friend wore.
Once Amanda had finished settling CJ she returned to the living room. Steve was pacing the floor like a caged animal. "Drink?" Amanda asked but Steve didn't reply. He fumbled with a picture frame, running his finger along the mantle piece, then moved to the window. All the time he avoided turning to face Amanda.
"How's Dad?" he asked. That was usually his first question to her. It seemed odd given they lived together but she always humoured him. Come to think of it she did the same for Mark.
"He's fine" she chirped "working too hard, worrying too much", Steve nodded.
Amanda sat quietly, Steve still kept his back turned. She'd learnt now it was best to let him start of his own accord. He'd avoid eye contact as much as possible, only usually look at her once he was in flow with some memory, or theory or fear. "It just happens, I don't know why. The..the..the nightmares start" He stammered "Sometimes it's easy, y'know a call from an old friend, stupid film on TV and you say, 'yeah, that's what triggered it', then it's gone. But then sometimes you don't know, or they're worse than usual and you just think, what if they don't stop, what if they don't get better".
This was a topic they'd discussed before, Steve knew why he'd had the nightmares again so she guessed now he was asking her when they'd stop. "It will get better" she tried to assure him. She cursed herself, this wasn't as easy as it looked, her answers always sounded so benign.
"It gets better but then it gets worse" he snapped. "I had 3 mediocre nights in a row this week".
"And then?" Amanda enquired.
"Last night, no real nightmares but then again no real sleep" he laughed a little to himself. "Difficult when you're almost afraid to close your eyes. Night before that…" He broke off, and began again in an exaggerated voice "Door Number 1, wide awake with thoughts and images, brain a collage of some nightmarish world. Door Number 2" he no longer mocked, changing his tone "asleep in a terrifying, endless god damn reality"
The wheels started to whirl in his head again and Steve tried desperately to take control of his thoughts. He had to do something, one way or the other. The only thing he knew was he couldn't go on like this, he had to stop this hell in his brain.
"Steve" she said softly, but he stood, framed by the window, head held low. "Steve, you know how much I want to help you, but I don't know that we're making progress here. I don't want to cause you any more pain than.."
"Enough said" he interrupted. Offended by her remark Amanda wondered, or just a defence mechanism? God, he had her talking like a shrink now.
"Maybe you should talk to.."
Again cut off by his bark "Talk to dad, talk to a professional, someone at work. Phone a friend ask the goddamn audience? Yeah Amanda, you just admitted yourself talking really helps" he mocked.
"If you didn't think so then why come here?"
She'd hit the nail on the head, he was cornered now and was kicking himself for it. Stay and take advantage of a friend willing to help, or turn and run? "Hey, I didn't intend coming in, if you didn't want me here I'm sorry for wasting your.."
"Fine, run then" Amanda butted in just as he reached the door.
Damn she was good he thought to himself. For the first time Steve turned to face her. She couldn't read his expression but as he leant back against the door she knew he was ready to talk. Sometimes it took an outburst like that for him to open up a little.
"It's different you know" Steve spoke softly. There had been many times in the last hour she was sure that her friend's voice would break. He'd talked at length about shielding his mother from his experiences of the war, and how a less than perfect relationship with Mark had made it difficult for him to open up all those years ago. He hadn't spoken about family much before, probably due to her friendship with Mark. Although she wanted to help she was almost frightened to hear some things. She wished she could tell him to talk to Mark but would he really think that she didn't care? She couldn't risk pushing him away, risk him closing up again when he seemed so ready now.
"What's different?" She finally asked.
"Seeing the cause" he replied. "Cause and effect. We've both seen the effect. You see it every day. Bodies on gurneys, the effects of car wrecks, cancer, drugs, guns, you see it every day. But watching the cause, hearing the shells, feeling the bullets fly past you and listening to the screams. Sometimes now I think the cause is worse than the effect". He ran his hands back through his hair. "I thought I'd freak, seeing my first corpse on the job, when I joined the police, but it was so..so…so disengaged. I hadn't watched him die. He wasn't a friend. Hell, he wasn't even the enemy, just a body in a bag. Sure he'd been shot, but a single bullet, straight through the heart, he knew nothing about it". Amanda's brow furrowed as Steve continued. "Even now, I hear bullets fly in the street, even see a guy go down but it's not the same. It's like there's always a way out, always back-up, paramedics on the way. Kind of makes me a monster doesn't it?"
Amanda shook her head "you're no monster" she assured him, squeezing his arm in the way she always did. "The things you saw, things I don't ever want to imagine seeing, they were the cause and these nightmare, and feelings, they're the effect. You're right Steve, I deal with corpses ever day. Corpses, bodies. Not people, not friends. And when I leave the path lab at night, I don't have to think 'will it be me next, in a car wreck, or with cancer, or shot in the street'. Sure any of those things are possible but not probable. The cause and effect you saw was real. You knew it could happen to you, that it was more of a probable than a possible." Steve focused on the floor between his feet, breathing deeply. She stroked the side of his face, "Talk to Mark", the words were out before she knew it. 'Must have picked that up from Jesse she thought'.
Steve sat silently for a moment then made his way towards the door. He paused. "Thanks Amanda" was all he said before making his way across the street to his car.
SATURDAY, 18:14
Mark sat on the deck, staring blankly out over the ocean. He felt strangely relaxed this evening, as though a great weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He didn't know why he felt this way, he and Steve were talking more and Steve was slamming fewer doors and watching less late night TV. Mark smiled warmly, he couldn't help it, he'd slept well for the first time in days and the warm breeze had an almost cleansing quality to it.
Steve pulled into the driveway of the beach house he shared with his father. Dumping his keys on the mantle piece he made his way towards the kitchen. He could see his father sitting out on the deck, looking over the ocean; just sitting looking, as he would when he needed to think; Steve smiled as he thought how similar they could be. Then it hit him. For a split second Steve got that feeling of dread and despair, it was gone as soon as he acknowledged it, but it was terrifying all the same; "I should just turn and go" he thought "leave and never come back, give him nothing to worry about". The well-rehearsed speech he intended to give his father seemed as great an obstacle as it had been that day in 1972 when he'd returned home. Steve took a slow breath in and stepped out onto the deck.
Mark tried his best not to grin as he saw his son walking slowly towards him. There was an awkward tension in the air and for a few, endless seconds neither father nor son spoke a word. Steve broke the silence.
"Been a good day" he observed, pointing off towards to the horizon.
Mark turned and smiled broadly "yes, it's was a beautiful morning, beautiful view. How are you, you sleep well? I was just gonna fix some dinner if you want some", he realised that his mouth was running away with the show here, but Steve seemed almost amused by his fathers fussing.
"I don't know if Amanda filled you in but she and I had a little chat earlier today".
"No" replied Mark, rather taken aback. Steve was also clearly surprised, surprised that his friend hadn't been straight on the phone the moment he'd left. He trusted Amanda but he'd always assumed she was passing on bits of their chats to his dad.
"Well, we had a chat about some stuff and she suggested I go over it with you. Which was my intention coming over here except now I don't know if it's such a good idea". Mark remained silent but nodded understandingly. "It's just, the stuff we talked about, I think maybe once a day is enough, maybe I'll fix dinner and if you're around later or tomorrow we can talk when I've got some of it straight in my mind".
"I'm here when ever you need me" Mark said, his voice charged with emotion.
Steve stood for a moment then looked out across the beach.
"Tell you what dad" he began "why don't we leave dinner for a while, I feel like taking a walk, blow the cobwebs off". Mark looked concerned all of a sudden, he hoped Steve wasn't going to run off again, clam up just when he hoped they were going to make progress. Steve stepped down onto the sand, then called back to his father "well am I walking alone, or are you gonna keep me company?"