Part 8
Where do they all come from?
The song Eleanor Rigby is playing in my head for some reason. I really like that song, one of the best the Beatles did, but I wonder why its playing in my head. I haven't heard it in weeks.Maybe because it reminds me of a lot of people I know including myself. We are all lonely, here, wandering in our own little worlds, trying hard to let others see what we want them to see.We are have madnesses, many hidden most of the time, except when we look in the mirrors. I told Claire I was tired, because I don't want to go to sleep, and I definetly can not handle more drugs. My whole body is stiff though, but I have a feeling I will die if I have one more thing done to my body. So, I lie here against the cold sheets, and the cruel metal bed, and close my eyes. I want them to pity me for this horror I have been through, but I don't. This unfortunately is one of my madnesses, my split personalities, I am a chameleon, I can blend in with my surroundings, and be like all my other peers. Which unfortunately here, my peers are more inanimate objects. The wall in the official's office, knows more about me than anyone here, except maybe the potted plant in my office. It is probably very silly to talk to plants, but there is no one else to talk to sometimes. The Official always wants me to shut up, I know too much information, and I am too easy to let some of it out, well, he thinks that anyway.I admit sometimes, I do release things, I am not supose to, and I do it, one, so people remember what my voice sounds like, and two, I have this thing about trying to impress people with my knowledge. I know its childish. I feel bad about doing it everytime. I know they don't really want to hear from me.
I haven't truly thought about suicide since college, junior year, when I locked myself in my room, and tried to hang myself. George, who was my roommate then, broke the door down, and pulled me down just in time, so, when I started thinking about it today during the course of our phone conversation, I didn't say anything. He'd race here from Atlanta, and try and talk me out of it. I really don't want to do it, and I can easily be talked out of it, especially by George, who has so much in common with me, but I don't want to be talked out of it by George, I want the people at work to try and do something. They are pretending they care right now for my well being but do they. How long will their concern for poor eberts last, a week, two weeks maybe. Then they will get bored with me, I am not very interesting, to them, probably, I am in Robert's words, "Just a paper pusher," that's all I really want them to see, but I don't in a way. I want to shout out at the top of my lungs, "I am a human being, I have feelings, too, I do not need to be pushed into the wall, because I am not furniture." I am very aware they all have their own problems, as I was aware something was up with George and Rich. I worry for him, Rich keeps mistreating him, he will finally give up men, he already gave up women, when he lost Julie, he will be miserable if he does it. I know he may appear the same smiling George on the outside for a time, but he won't be able to be happy very long.
Claire tries to put a brave front up for everyone, but she has been scared lately. She hides behind her role as the keeper, because she is afraid that blackmailer will come back, and make her pay out money for something that wasn't her fault. She distants herself from everyone though, and keeps herself locked up in that tiny apartment, with Pavlov. I know she hasn't done any singing since we were in high school, and she loved to sing, it was her life, besides science, and it took her away.She is nothing like she used to be, before the blackmail incident. We actually used to talk, though, I couldn't say we were friends, but she treated me, like a human being. She is far more aloof, then she should be. I miss the free spirit, who wanted to save the world, I knew in high school, the one I had a crush on, and still do. I have had so many chances to ask her out, and I should have. I have been living to long lonely, and so has she, she hasn't let anyone get close to her. She is almost the ice queen, especially around Darien, though he has caused her to display feelings I have missed seeing in her. It wouldn't suprise me, if he convinces her to go on a date one day.Right now, though, I think she goes home and cries herself to sleep, -or- at least drowns her sorrow in ice cream.
But Darien has problems of his own. He hates the gland, and would rip it out of his head, if it wouldn't kill him.I wouldn't blame him either. He tries his best to pretend he can live with it, and this agency, but in truth he must hate it. And he doesn't know half the things that goes on. He wants to be free, to be able to do his own thing. He really didn't want to know every aspect of the Keep, which he has to visit every Monday, and I am suprised he doesn't wear long sleeves sometimes. So, he won't be mistaken for a herion addict, with all the track marks on his arm. I think the only real person he trust is Robert, and that is only half the time.
Robert is paranoid. He really wants to trust everyone, but he is too supicous for that. He is on medication that is suppose to cure him, but doesn't really. He is charged overprice for things, and he has a fear of almost everything.Especially the government, and we really don't help much. His van isn't worth the paper the deed is written on. He has to deal with terrorist, people breaking into his apartment, and buging it, and all sorts of other things, usually on a daily basis.I also think he has a thing going for Monroe, but she is always messing with him.
Alex does that because she is insecure. She misses her son.She needs someone in her life, and she can't handle him not being there. She doesn't want anyone to see this weakness though because she is scared, they will think her as weak. So, she hides behind this macho image, that scares people away from her. She also threatens people with information, to get her way, when she really should just ask. She wants to be above the official, but I think deep down she admires him.She will never admit it to his face though.
The Official has problems of his own, he really doesn't like this work anymore. Its been getting harder and harder for him ever since his wife died, and he wishes he could just putter around in his rose garden. He tries, like Monroe, to hide his feelings behind anger. When many times he has told me he was proud of what Darien, -or- Robert did, but couldn't say it to their faces. He is too scared they will get the wrong impression.
Sometimes, I wish I wasn't so damn observant, I guess that is what I get for not talking to anyone. At least I feel a little better, but I hate comparing other people's problems to mine, it always makes me so tired.
(more to come)
Where do they all come from?
The song Eleanor Rigby is playing in my head for some reason. I really like that song, one of the best the Beatles did, but I wonder why its playing in my head. I haven't heard it in weeks.Maybe because it reminds me of a lot of people I know including myself. We are all lonely, here, wandering in our own little worlds, trying hard to let others see what we want them to see.We are have madnesses, many hidden most of the time, except when we look in the mirrors. I told Claire I was tired, because I don't want to go to sleep, and I definetly can not handle more drugs. My whole body is stiff though, but I have a feeling I will die if I have one more thing done to my body. So, I lie here against the cold sheets, and the cruel metal bed, and close my eyes. I want them to pity me for this horror I have been through, but I don't. This unfortunately is one of my madnesses, my split personalities, I am a chameleon, I can blend in with my surroundings, and be like all my other peers. Which unfortunately here, my peers are more inanimate objects. The wall in the official's office, knows more about me than anyone here, except maybe the potted plant in my office. It is probably very silly to talk to plants, but there is no one else to talk to sometimes. The Official always wants me to shut up, I know too much information, and I am too easy to let some of it out, well, he thinks that anyway.I admit sometimes, I do release things, I am not supose to, and I do it, one, so people remember what my voice sounds like, and two, I have this thing about trying to impress people with my knowledge. I know its childish. I feel bad about doing it everytime. I know they don't really want to hear from me.
I haven't truly thought about suicide since college, junior year, when I locked myself in my room, and tried to hang myself. George, who was my roommate then, broke the door down, and pulled me down just in time, so, when I started thinking about it today during the course of our phone conversation, I didn't say anything. He'd race here from Atlanta, and try and talk me out of it. I really don't want to do it, and I can easily be talked out of it, especially by George, who has so much in common with me, but I don't want to be talked out of it by George, I want the people at work to try and do something. They are pretending they care right now for my well being but do they. How long will their concern for poor eberts last, a week, two weeks maybe. Then they will get bored with me, I am not very interesting, to them, probably, I am in Robert's words, "Just a paper pusher," that's all I really want them to see, but I don't in a way. I want to shout out at the top of my lungs, "I am a human being, I have feelings, too, I do not need to be pushed into the wall, because I am not furniture." I am very aware they all have their own problems, as I was aware something was up with George and Rich. I worry for him, Rich keeps mistreating him, he will finally give up men, he already gave up women, when he lost Julie, he will be miserable if he does it. I know he may appear the same smiling George on the outside for a time, but he won't be able to be happy very long.
Claire tries to put a brave front up for everyone, but she has been scared lately. She hides behind her role as the keeper, because she is afraid that blackmailer will come back, and make her pay out money for something that wasn't her fault. She distants herself from everyone though, and keeps herself locked up in that tiny apartment, with Pavlov. I know she hasn't done any singing since we were in high school, and she loved to sing, it was her life, besides science, and it took her away.She is nothing like she used to be, before the blackmail incident. We actually used to talk, though, I couldn't say we were friends, but she treated me, like a human being. She is far more aloof, then she should be. I miss the free spirit, who wanted to save the world, I knew in high school, the one I had a crush on, and still do. I have had so many chances to ask her out, and I should have. I have been living to long lonely, and so has she, she hasn't let anyone get close to her. She is almost the ice queen, especially around Darien, though he has caused her to display feelings I have missed seeing in her. It wouldn't suprise me, if he convinces her to go on a date one day.Right now, though, I think she goes home and cries herself to sleep, -or- at least drowns her sorrow in ice cream.
But Darien has problems of his own. He hates the gland, and would rip it out of his head, if it wouldn't kill him.I wouldn't blame him either. He tries his best to pretend he can live with it, and this agency, but in truth he must hate it. And he doesn't know half the things that goes on. He wants to be free, to be able to do his own thing. He really didn't want to know every aspect of the Keep, which he has to visit every Monday, and I am suprised he doesn't wear long sleeves sometimes. So, he won't be mistaken for a herion addict, with all the track marks on his arm. I think the only real person he trust is Robert, and that is only half the time.
Robert is paranoid. He really wants to trust everyone, but he is too supicous for that. He is on medication that is suppose to cure him, but doesn't really. He is charged overprice for things, and he has a fear of almost everything.Especially the government, and we really don't help much. His van isn't worth the paper the deed is written on. He has to deal with terrorist, people breaking into his apartment, and buging it, and all sorts of other things, usually on a daily basis.I also think he has a thing going for Monroe, but she is always messing with him.
Alex does that because she is insecure. She misses her son.She needs someone in her life, and she can't handle him not being there. She doesn't want anyone to see this weakness though because she is scared, they will think her as weak. So, she hides behind this macho image, that scares people away from her. She also threatens people with information, to get her way, when she really should just ask. She wants to be above the official, but I think deep down she admires him.She will never admit it to his face though.
The Official has problems of his own, he really doesn't like this work anymore. Its been getting harder and harder for him ever since his wife died, and he wishes he could just putter around in his rose garden. He tries, like Monroe, to hide his feelings behind anger. When many times he has told me he was proud of what Darien, -or- Robert did, but couldn't say it to their faces. He is too scared they will get the wrong impression.
Sometimes, I wish I wasn't so damn observant, I guess that is what I get for not talking to anyone. At least I feel a little better, but I hate comparing other people's problems to mine, it always makes me so tired.
(more to come)