The Wizard of Oz
Ala WWF
Brought to you By The Ripperette
Bringing you more and more wackiness, one story at a time...
Chapter Three: "Tables, and Ladders, and Chairs, Oh My! (As if you didn't see it coming..)"
As always, our heroes (and heroine (But not the Drugs!) ) are walking along the Yellow-Brick road. Molly suddenly spots an apple tree, and jogs over.
Molly: Hey, look! Apples!! *she plucks a bright red apple off of the tree. Suddenly, a branch of the apple tree slaps her on the back of the hand, and snatches away the apple*
Tree that looks suspiciously like Eddie Guerrerro #1: Chica, what do you think you're doing with my manzanas?
Molly: Well, we've been walking and I was a little bit hungry...*suddenly looks up at Tree* Did you just... Eddie Guerrerro?!
Tree that looks suspiciously like Eddie Guerrerro #1: You hear that, mis hombres? She was hungry!!
Tree that looks suspiciously like Eddie Guerrerro #2: Mamacita, if you want some Latino manzanas, go to a market, eh!!
Edge: C'mon, Molly..you don't want THOSE apples!!
Eddie Tree #1: Essa, what are you saying about my manzanas?
Christian: Well, she probably doesn't like worms!!
Scotty: *runs off and cries* Oh, cruel world!!
Eddie Guerrerro Tree #2: You don't like my manzanas? Too bad!! We're gonna peg you, my brother, cause we're Latin!!
Everyone runs away from the 'manzanas' as the Eddie trees throw them, with the Latino Heat song suddenly playing in the distance.
Edge: Well, we got apples.... or monsoons, or whatever that dumb tree called them. But still, they probably have a buncha dumb worms.
Scotty: WAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!
Of course, everyone knows that Scotty isn't dumb, and he doesn't live in monsoons. Besides, everyone likes Scotty. So, as everyone gets their damn storms, or fruit, or whatever, Molly suddenly bumps into someone.
Molly: Eh? *looks up*
Christian: No, Edge and me are Canadian, we say 'Eh'!
Molly: EEEK!!
Jeff: *gasps* Moll! What's wrong?!
As everyone runs over to Molly, they quickly stop, Jeff even hopping in front of Molly for her own protection, as The Big Red Machine stands before them.
Edge: Oh my God, it's Kane!!
Christian: You may have sounded like JR saying that, but it's true!! Mommy!! *him and Edg hug, and shy away from Kane*
Jeff: You leave Molly alone!
Kane quickly backs away, holding up his hands in his defense, and shaking his head.
Kane: I don't want to hurt anyone!! Not today...
Molly: You don't? Well, not to say we aren't grateful, but...why not?
Jeff: Is he sick?
Kane: No, I'm not sick. But...
Molly: 'But?' It's okay, Mr. Kane, you can tell us!! *looks to everyone, and they all nod nervously* See? We'll listen! *she leads Kane by the arm over to a tree stump, and sits him down*
Kane: Well, I'm a little scared.
Molly: Scared?! You? Golly, if something scares you, Kane, I'd like to know what, if you don't mind!!
Kane: Well...
Jeff: It's okay, we won't laugh. I used to be afraid of hights when I was little!!
Edge: Yeah, we're all afrad of something!! For example, I'm afraid of you! No offense.
Christian: And I fear midgets!
Kane: Well...I'm scared of who I am. I don't wanna be some Big Red 'Machine', who is always happy when he's beating on little people. Everyone says that, well, I'm....heartless...and I don't want to be!!
Song Cue!!
Kane: *in big deep voice* When a man likes killing cattle,
He should be tough and brittle,
And yet I'm torn apart.
Just because I'm presumin' that I could be kind-a-human,
If I only had heart.
I'd be tender - I'd be gentle. And awful sentimental
And stop burning down K-Mart.
I'd let people live to see tomarrow ... and stop filling them with sorrow,
If I only had a heart.
Picture me - a balcony. Above a voice sings low.
High Girly Voice: Wherefore art thou, Romeo?
Kane: I hear a beat....
How sweet.
Just to register emotion, jealousy - devotion,
And really feel the part.
I could stay young and chipper and I'd lock it with a zipper,
If I only had a heart.
During the song, everyone looks like they've just seen Kane in a new light. Also, Molly whispers something to everyone, and after the song, takes one of Kane's hands.
Molly: Y'know, we were just wondering why you couldn't come with us to Madison-Emerald Square Garden-City and ask the Wizard for a heart!!
Kane: Well, suppose he decides he'd rather chokeslam me through the Titantron, instead.
Jeff: Nuh-uh!! He's s'posed to help Molly and I find a way to Alabama to get back to Hardcore Holly's ranch, and he's gonna get these two, uh...*looks at E&C for a moment*...Canadians...get a brain!!
Molly: Al Snow said the Wizard could!!
Utter Silence. Edge and Christian's constant smiles suddenly fade. So does Molly and Jeff's.
Molly: ...you know, that sounded strangly...unassuring, I'm sure...But you know, Al's really a nice man, and he would tell us the truth!!
Everyone nods in agreement.
Kane: ...I guess I'll see what this wizard can do, then. Besides, if you guys have come this far already, then he should give you what you want. Or else, I'll tear him limb from...
Suddenly, a high, eeeevil cackle resounded throughout the forest. And, as they look at the rooftop of a nearby cottage, they see none other than-*sting music*-Shane McMahon, the Wicked Witch of the West!!! Oh, No!!
Shane: You call that long? Why, you've just begun. Helping the little lady and the silly Hardy along, are you, my fine gentlemen? Well, stay away from her! Or...*points at Edge and Christian* Or...er, I'll...wack you with a kendo stick!!
Edge and Christian: *disgusted looks*
Shane: And you!! *points at Kane* To you, I'll...er....I....
Kane: *breathes heavily*
Shane: ...uhh...Yeah!! You had just better be scared of Shane-o-mac!! Hey, E&C!! Wanna play ball? Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaaa! *cackles and throws a big bag labled 'Dork-Chop' at Edge and Christian, from which they promptly shriek and run away*
Edge: AAAAHHHHH THAT'S SO TOTALLY HEINOUS!!
Christian: THIS REEKS OF STINKTITUDE!!
Before the Dork-Bag can do any real damage, however, it's contents (Steve Blackman and Matt Hardy) scurry off.
Jeff: ..Matt?!
Molly: Jeff, I'm beginning to think this is a silly place...
Jeff: Begining?
Edge: Well, they're trying to get rid of our charisma again, eh? Well, I'll show him!!
Christian: Totally!! Beat us with a kendo stick, bah!
Kane: I'm not scared of his empty threats. I'll make sure he doesn't get you kids whether I get a heart or not!! Kane scared of Shane-o-mac, psh!!
Molly: Wow...it's great having friends like you guys!!
Kane: ...friend? Me?
Jeff: Y'know, all of you are our friends!! E and C too!!
Edge: Wow... this is a day of huge magnitutions!!
Christians: Yeah! The day that even a Hardy accepts that we totally rule! And, a Hardy actually manages to rule, too!
Molly: Well, come on, everyone! To Oz?
E&C, Jeff and Kane; To Oz!!
Everyone, as they skip off into the deeper, darker, more foreboding parts of the forest, despite the obvious danger, sings merrily.
Everyone: Weeeeeee're, off to see the Wizard!
The wonderful Wizard of Oz!!
If ever if ever a wiz there was,
The wizard of Oz is one becuase
Becuase, because, because, because, becaaaaauuuuse..
Becouse of the wonderful things he does!!
Of course, by now, it's almost pitch black. Little and no light is showing, and all of the younger and cuter (Not Kane, in example) members of our little pack are getting a little nervous. Finally, Molly gets up enough courage to speak up.
Molly: When does it get lighter around here?
Edge: Well, we don't know for sure...
Christian: ...but I think it'll get darker before it gets lighter.
Molly: Y-you don't think we'll come across anything dangerous, do you?
Kane: Probably.
Edge: Ones that eat Canadians?!
Kane: No, but we might get put through some tables. After getting dragged up ladders. And chaired.
Edge: Put through tables?!
Christian: After the ladder?
Jeff: And chairs?!
Molly: Oh, my!!
All the guys: Tables, and ladders and chairs!
Molly: Oh, my!
Of course, they continue with their little chant. It gets a bit annoying. In, fact, it eventually gets so monotonous, that a certain individual can stand it no longer...
Jericho: Would you puuuh-leeeaaazze....SHUT!! THE HELL!!! UP!!!
Everyone shrieks a little, and look up at Jericho, who is standing on a rock.
The Rock: Will you stop standing on the Great one!! You rooooody poooo-
Jericho: I'll say it again-SHUT!! THE HELL!! UP!!
Everyone is completely quiet, hoing Jericho doesn't use his near-fatal mic skills.
Jericho: I mean, seriously! What is this? *points at Molly and Jeff who are hugging, and E&C, who are hugging, and hiding behind Kane* A field trip? Well, maybe you jackasses didn't know, but I happen to go by the name of-
The Rock suddenly throws Jericho off his back!!
The Rock: IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!!!
Jericho: Rock, do you wanna mess with Y2J problem?! Because, I can tell you, after you go one on one, with me...you will neverr...*somewhere, an audience is heard saying, 'EEEEVEEEER'*...eeeverr!! Be the same...again!!
Our group of heroes get confused, as they don't know who to cheer for, as an exchange goes back and forth.
The Rock: Whoa whoa whoa, you want to come on The Rock's Show, without introducing yourself, son? What's your name?
Jericho: * along pause. Finally, he says very quickly, as not to get cut off:* ChrisJericho.
The Rock: IT DOES....damn!!
Jericho: Now, come on, now, lighten up, junior! You didn't really think you could get that old line past the Ayatollah of Rock'n'Rollaah, did you?
The Rock: So, hold on now...you think that you can get past the Rock, just like that?
Jericho: I don't just think, I-
The Rock: IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK!!!!
Jericho: *pauses, as if going over his last sentence*..I don't just think... HEY! I just said I didn't just think that, so why did you say it doesn't matter?
The Rock: I..uh...IT DOESN'T MATTER WHY I SAID IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YO THINK EVEN THOUGH...ugh...
Jericho: ...my head hurts...I can't think of a way to carry on this promo without going of forever...
The Rock: The Rock agrees with you on that.
Both Y2J and The Rock suddenly sit down, and look very sad. Edge shakes his head.
Edge: You guys have, like, no modesty!!
Christian: Yeah! You couldn't get modesty if you wanted it!!
Molly: *gasps* Edge, Christian, you two are right!!
Edge and Christian: ..Uhh...we..are?
Molly: Suppose you two went to the wizard to get modesty?
The Rock: Molly, the Rock doesn't need modesty.
Jericho: Mod-est-ee....hmmm...modesty...what's that?
Christian: It's, like, that thing where, uh..
Edge: You act like you really don't like yourself that much, but in fact, you do, you're just saying it to make people stop hating you.
Jericho: *gasp* People hate me?!
Molly: Well, if you had modesty, you wouldn't think that!!
Jericho: Hmm...this...modesty....modesty...hmm...where can I get some?!
Molly looks at Jeff. Jeff looks at Edge. Edge is too busy trying to get The Rock to let him try on his shades. So is Christian. But Everyone else knows what they're gonna do.
Molly: We can't give you any...but we know a man who can give you all the modesty you need!!
Jericho: I take it then that he could also give me a better explanation of what modesty is?
Jeff: Yup!! He's the Wizard of Oz!!
Jericho: The wizard?! Then, by all means!! Take me with you guys!!
Christian: Right!!
Edge: Let's go!!
Edge and Christian quickly run off, with the Rock yelling at them.
The Rock: The Great One says to just brin back his shades!!
Molly: *giggles* Well, let's go!!
Molly, Jeff, Jericho, and Kane link arms and hop off singing, as E&C continue running ahead of the Rock.
Everyone: Weeeeeee're, off to see the Wizard!
The wonderful Wizard of Oz!!
If ever if ever a wiz there was,
The wizard of Oz is one becuase
Becuase, because, because, because, becaaaaauuuuse..
Becouse of the wonderful things he does!!
The Rock: *motions to 'Just Bring It'* Give me my sunglasses!! Oh...those roooody poooos!! *turns towards camera. Pauses. Does the People's Eyebrow. Slowly fades from sight.*
End of part three! Now, a note from the writer!
Ripperette: *standing with Raziel at her side* Now, lemme just explain that I really am sorry Jericho didn't sing. But we had this little problem with a certain...well, Raziel, help me explain this.
Raziel: Well, you see, there's a bit of a problem with a certain singer by the name of Moongoose McQueen.
Ripperette: I don't know if you've heard of him...he's from the rock band Fozzy? Well, he claims that if Jericho sings a solo song, he'd sue us, because Chris poses off of him.
Raziel: But, with a little debating....don't thank me, thank my death threats.
Ripperette: And a little deal-making...we convinced the flambouyant frontman to allow us to let Y2J sing with everyone else!! And, now, there's Fozzy's side of the deal...here's ours!!
Raziel and Ripperette hold up signs...
Raziel: *holding a sign that says: WWW.FOZZYROCK.COM*
Ripperette: *Holds up a sign reading: I'M A FOZZY-FLOOZY* There! Now, go see Fozzy live!!
Raziel: *sighs* Tickets on sale now, check FozzyRock.com for information on a Fozzy concert near you!!
Moongoose: *suddenly hops in between Raziel and The Ripperette* And remember-Chris Jericho is nothing but an assclown!! A wannabe!! Idolize me!! I invented rock and roll!!