Kakarot.
An enigma. A mystery. A never ending source of humiliation for me.
I hated him from the bottom of my heart. The only reason I had for living for a long time was getting the strongest, being the strongest.
But there he was; Kakarot. No matter how far I came, he would always be one step ahead of me. I couldn't surpass him, not then, not now, not ever. The day it dawned on me that he was the strongest, and I wasn't and never would be, I gave up.
I don't think anyone realises that's exactly what I did. That day when I was in outer space, training to become a super saiyajin, and I just couldn't cross my limits, I gave up.
Would anyone have asked me then what I was going to do, I would have said I was going to die. I couldn't care anymore. Not even Bulma, who was the only one who could see through my shield in those days, could have held me in the world of the living then.
But it was my giving up that made me go beyond my limits and made me go super saiyajin.
It's ironical that giving up did it, I felt and still feel that the gods were playing tricks on me.
Either way none of that
But in the end Kakarot was still stronger than me, and I had to realise I wouldn't surpass him again. Funnily enough this time it didn't matter so much anymore. Because somehow, someday Kakarot had sneaked his way into my life and became more than a foe, more than the one I hated more than everything else.
Somehow Kakarot became my friend.
Ofcourse I wouldn't have admitted that, I still don't admit it. I did everything not to show who I was behind my maskarades, but like Bulma, he could see through it, see the real me.
I have always been ashamed of who I am, felt I was less than I should be. And I did everything to become more, to stop those ghosts of the past, of my failure, haunting me.
But Kakarot, like Bulma, saw me and took me for what I am. For once in my life people didn't care about how low I really was, how weak, how pathetic, but liked me the way I was.
It was the strangest feeling I have ever had.
People wonder why I've always
called him Kakarot, when his real name is Goku.
Well, it's not that difficult. On earth his name may be Goku, but his saiyajin name is Kakarot. Denying that would be denying his and thus my saiyajin heritage. Denying my saiyajin heritage would be denying everything that makes me worth living, denying who I am, and I can't do that, can never do that.
But last night...
He came to me last night, when I was out in the wild, weeping, crying her name.
His mate had died on him, like Bulma has on me a few years ago. And even though his mate was a pain in the ass, he loved her very much.
Like I loved Bulma very much.
For once I understood him, and for a moment that made me forget who I am.
"I know, Goku."
It's all I said to him, and I doubt he has heard it – he was too caught up in his pain.
I held him, and he cried against my shoulder. It was the strangest feeling, and for a moment I felt like crying too. Crying the tears I kept inside when Bulma died on me. Crying along with him.
I didn't, ofcourse. But again he must have seen through my mask. Because even in his pain he comforted me.
I swear, the guy cares too much about others.
He lies behind me, now. He has cried himself to sleep last night, like I wish I could have done.
I can hear him waking up. "Wha... 'geta?"
I smile faintly. Even though he lies behind me, I know how his expression is. Wide eyed, surprised, but moist when he realises why he is hear.
"Go to sleep, Go- Kakarot," I say softly, and he obidiently does as I say.
Maybe I am forgetting who I am.
But at the moment I'm not so sure it's a bad thing.