Regrets…
She woke up with a start. It was not the first time by far that her sleep had been disturbed by nightmares, but this time it had been different. The dream, and it had been a dream, she knew, had been a beautiful one. In it, he was still there, and they had been together for a long time. In it, none of the tragedy she remembered had happened. For a moment, she wished that she could go back to sleep, to that wonderful life that existed only in her imagination… She had almost forgotten what this day was, but then the dream was chased away by the awful memories, even more difficult to tolerate on this sad day. Today marked the twentieth anniversary of her living nightmare. No matter how much she had tried to move on with her life, it had always stayed with her.
She forced herself to get up and start this dreadful day. She almost regretted taking the day off from the office, as a little distraction might have helped along. However, she reasoned that listening to other people's misery would probably not have done much for her mood. And besides, she had a promise to fulfil. However painful it would be for her, she thought that her son deserved to know the truth. A discreet knock on her door told her that it was time. She took a deep breath, ready to tell him everything, however difficult.
"Mother, are you awake?" He was calling.
"Yes, come in." As soon as she saw him, she forced herself to smile. He looked so much like him; it was uncanny. Every time that she looked at him, particularly in later years, it would bring at once the wonderful memories of her long lost husband, and the regrets that were always present in her soul. She had not been very fair to her son either, and sometimes wondered why he didn't resent her. Not only had he been deprived of his father, but she also had been so crushed by his father's passing, that for years, she had only given her son the bare necessary attention. Yet, he still had seemed to understand and forgive her shortcomings, even though she couldn't forgive herself. Jason saw immediately that she wasn't doing too well in spite of her best efforts.
"It's ok mother, if you don't want to…"
"No it's alright, I have to do this."
She couldn't ad anymore as the pain constricted her throat.
"Twenty years," she thought, "and it still hurts like it was yesterday…"
Jason came to her and took her in his arms, saddened by his mother's sorrow. He felt her resisting at first, the pride still strong in her, then she just relaxed on his chest, as she started sobbing softly. He didn't know everything that happened that terrible year, only that his father had died and that it had changed his mother deeply. More than once he had asked her to explain to him what happened. However, all she would tell him was that one day, he would be ready to hear everything, and that in the meantime, he should believe that his father died for the greater good. He grew up knowing that his father had been a part of their destiny's fulfillment, but never knowing how. He felt her stiffening in his arms, and she pulled away from him, simply going to the door. Without a word, she left, knowing that he would follow her.
Her aunts told him that a long time ago, his mother had been a free spirit, a joyous person, always looking for the positive side of things. They also had told him that it surely was in part what had made his father fall in love with her. Sometimes, he could almost see it. Those occasions were rare, but it happened once in a while, when she forgot for a moment, and just was her old self, or so he thought.
Most of what he knew of his father came from his aunts, as his mother wouldn't or couldn't talk about him. They themselves respected Phoebe's wishes not to tell too much about what happened to him. They had simply told him, just like his mother, that one day he would be ready to hear this. But today, she had promised that she would tell at last. He almost dreaded to hear the big secret. The way they were behaving, it seemed like something so terrible. "What if it was something unforgivable," he told himself? However, no matter how many doubts he still had, he truly wanted to know. So after a moment, he did follow her, finding her sitting at the kitchen table, apparently lost in thoughts with her hands around a mug of hot coffee.
He sat in silence, ready to wait for as long as necessary. She finally acknowledged his presence:
"Well, I might as well begin…"
He didn't dare interrupt.
"It really began about 21 years ago… You and me were prisoners of the Source, and I was very scared. I knew that your father would try to save us, but in the circumstances, I was afraid that it would make things worse, and unfortunately, it did…"
The guards held on to him, and he saw that none of Paul's arguments were working. The Source had all the cards and he knew it. Then he noticed that Prue was going to try something. He could tell by now when she was about to do something rash, and indeed she was. She astral projected behind the Source, presumably to distract him. Cole understood right away that it wouldn't work and the fear and rage caused by his helplessness pushed him to do the very thing that he had sworn never to do again. He let the demon out… Belthazor, as he had immediately transformed to:
"You want me. You got me. Let them go," he clamored, startling Paul and Prue's astral form, who stepped away, her presence still unknown to the Source. She was so surprised that she returned to her body immediately. Then, her and Paul watched in dismay as Belthazor moved slowly toward the Source, never looking back at them:
"For some reason, you want me, then you will have me, but you have to release them, or I will disappear for good this time…"
The Source looked at him curiously, then he motioned to Lucifer, and this one opened the cell door, getting Phoebe and the baby back in the light. At first, it was difficult for her to see, as even the poor lighting of the room had her squinting. But then, she saw Belthazor and she almost screamed:
"NO!"
He turned to her, and she could see the pain in his eyes. It hurt even more. Then, as if he couldn't bear to look at her anymore, he turned back toward the Source, and this one continued:
"You will never leave here."
Belthazor:
"Agreed…"
Phoebe understood right away what had just transpired, even though she didn't know exactly why… All she knew was that this was too terrible to be true:
"You can't do that, you promised me!"
But instead of turning to her, he looked toward Paul:
"Get them out of here, now!"
Paul and Prue went to Phoebe quickly, knowing what her reaction would be. And in fact, they were right, as she tried to get to him. However, Lucifer held on to her until Paul got beside her and without wait, transported them back in their world.
Once home, Phoebe had given the baby to Piper and jumped at Paul for taking her away like that:
"How could you leave him there? We have to do something…"
This one just looked at her with such sadness in his eyes that she had to look away, knowing exactly what he was going to say:
"He made his choice Phoebe. It probably was the wrong one, but it's done. He saved you and us, and that is at least something good to come out of this."
Phoebe:
"How could you say that? When you know that he will be lost if we do nothing…"
Prue tried to reason with her:
"Paul is right Phoebe. Cole made his choice…"
She simply looked at them with deep-seated anger, and stormed out of the room. For weeks and months after that, she continued trying to find a way to save him. She had become obsessed to the point where her sisters had had to take care of Jason for her. She had fought by their side, every time that it was needed, but always returned to her quest to save Cole. At some point, she even went to the underworld, convinced that she could make him come back.
When she found him however, her hopes were soon quashed. He had changed so deeply that she barely recognized the man that she had loved. Of his humanity, almost nothing had been left. It was only the love, still alive in him, that prevented him from killing her.
"You should not have come here Phoebe. I'm not going back and there is nothing to discuss…"
"You cannot mean that," she had replied with tears in her eyes. "You cannot want to stay here."
He sighed almost angrily:
"There is no place for me with you. I finally understood that. And I want you to believe it now. It was nice while it lasted, but it's all over," he added, not looking at her anymore.
Again she tried, unwilling to give up so easily:
"Think of our son, he needs you as much as I do…"
He turned back toward her, frowning:
"Why would he want a demon for a father. You should probably tell him nothing about me. Just let him think that his father was human and died. That's what I'm telling myself. Now go. Go before it's too late…"
Phoebe:
"What do you mean, too late?"
He never needed to answer this, as she saw his expression changing again; turning to the rage that she knew came not from Cole but from Belthazor. Reluctantly, she moved away from him, and softly spoke the spell that would bring her back. Until the very last moment, she watched him, still hoping that he would change his mind… He didn't.
Only then did she begin to grieve for his loss.
Jason was overwhelmed by the sadness that he felt in her. However, what she told him until now was no real secret. He knew very well who his father had been, although not that he had given up on being good so easily…
Phoebe looked at her son and recognized the signs of disappointment in his attitude. Right then, she felt that he needed to understand:
"Don't judge him so harshly."
Jason:
"I wasn't…"
Phoebe interrupted softly:
"Yes you were. I understand why you would think that at this point, but there is so much more to this than you think. Before this happened, we were very happy, and convinced that all the misery that we had endured was behind us. Particularly when you brought him back to me…"
Jason couldn't even remember what he had done. His time had not come yet, and Paul had told him that until the day he was ready, he wouldn't remember anything. Sometimes, he wondered about this destiny of his. Even more so when he thought of his father's failure…
But his mother continued:
"When he returned to his demon form, he felt that he had indeed failed me, and you… That is most certainly why he thought that his place wasn't with us anymore."
Her voice trailed, as she seemed about to cry again. Then she took a few deep breaths and prepared to tell the rest of the story.
As she was going to talk again, a knock on the door interrupted her.
They turned to see Prue through the back door. No doubts, she was coming to try and give Phoebe some moral support. This one wasn't too certain that it would help, but was still grateful to her sister for caring.
Prue didn't wait for them to answer and she entered, trying her best to put on a joyous face for them.
"Hey, how are you both today? I just thought that I'd drop by…"
Phoebe almost smiled at her failed attempt at casual, and probably would have, if she hadn't felt so low.
Prue:
"I'm not interrupting, am I?" She asked more seriously.
Phoebe:
"That's ok, I was just telling Jason…"
Prue:
"I know. Are you ok?"
Phoebe:
"I will be, don't worry… So," she said turning back to her son, "where was I?" He didn't really answer that, as he knew that it was only a rhetorical question. The way she told the story, it was obvious that she was reliving it.
Prue took a seat in silence right by her sister, and also waited patiently for her to talk.
"After about ten months, I had mostly accepted that he would never come back to me. We had fought countless demons, sent by the source in the meantime, and I had tried to move on with my life. Without much success, however. Then, he came back…"
In the underworld, Cole had been mostly isolated and only visited on occasions by the Source himself. He was observing his demon, searching for the sign that would announce his complete return to the evil world. That never came however, and in the end, the Source had to admit that this love was by far the most powerful of magic. Still, his many attempts at destroying the charmed ones had failed. He regretted to have let them go, even if he truly needed Cole for his plan to work. He had wanted to annihilate the threat before taking over this world of theirs, but it became obvious to him that he would have to take it in his own hands. What he had wanted was for Belthazor to accept and even greet the chance to help him in this endeavor. Now, he figured that he would simply have to take him by force.
Jason interrupted again:
"What do you mean, take him?"
Phoebe:
"There is something that you don't know about the Source. Something that we didn't know either at the time, because the Elders never thought that they should have told us… For a long time, we had wondered why he had never come to us himself. Then, after what happened, Leo got an answer on this from them. It would seem that up there, many levels of powers exist, and among them one considered the highest power.
This one could have wiped all evil from this earth at any time, but chose not to because apparently, it maintains a balance of some sort and gives us a challenge that measures our strength. Don't ask me exactly why or how, but that is the way it is. However, once in a while, a higher evil rises. One that threatens the balance of power between good and evil… The higher power is guarding the doors to our world against that very powerful evil. What's more, he is the one who creates people like us, to fight such entities, should he succeed in his plans… The Source however, found a loophole, so to speak, in the rules. All humans are granted access to this world with no exception.
This, of course, includes a half-demon…
Jason:
"But what good did it do the Source? He wasn't Belthazor…"
Phoebe:
"No, but he had created him partly in his own image, as Cole was about to find out… At this point in time, we heard of terrible murders that were taking place all over the country. The police was baffled as to who could be the culprit as he or they wouldn't leave any trace and enter houses without breaking in. We knew that it had to be a demon, although we had no idea what his motivations were. The descriptions of these murders were more horrible one than the next. People were either burned or torn to shreds. After a little investigating in some cases that had taken place in this city, we confirmed our worst fears, and went in search of the demon in question. Most of his victims were magical beings and it gave us an idea as to how to find him. We had no idea on which demon it could be, and we needed to know this in order to find a vanquishing spell of course. That is when I saw your father again…"
Her voice trailed off, and Prue, knowing that it would be the most difficult part for her, put her hand on her shoulder. Phoebe looked at her quickly, grateful for her understanding, then she continued:
"We had separated in two groups, Prue and me were watching one witch who lived near one of latest murder scenes, while Leo and Piper were using his senses for witches fears, hoping to get to the next one in time. We were convinced that he would strike close to home this time, as his killings had seemed to follow a pattern, bringing him toward us… The witch, Elena, had known of our presence and as soon as he materialized in the apartment, she magically flicked the lights twice. We didn't wait and ran upstairs, to find her held by the throat by a red giant and my heart sunk when I recognized him.
"Cole!" I screamed and it got his attention right away. He dropped her to the ground, where she seemed to lay lifelessly, and he turned to me with more rage than I had ever known him to have. He materialized a knife, and was moving toward me, when he stopped and somehow, seemed to be fighting with himself. After a few seconds, he simply shimmered out without a word. I remember being paralyzed not by fear but by the disappointment in him. I thought that for only an instant, he had been able to read this on my face and showed shame just before disappearing. But at the time, I simply believed that I was imagining it.
After this, all the love I had for him transformed in rage and determination to destroy him. We continued to watch out for his return but for two more months, he didn't show up anywhere that we knew of. The killing spree had stopped abruptly, baffling the police even more. Which is not to say that other demons didn't come. On the contrary, they did, more and more. And this time, they were concentrating on me and sometimes trying to get to you. After a few of those attacks, we kind of figured that the Source had decided that I was more of a threat than Prue and Piper, even though it didn't make sense as I was the weakest witch. It all became clearer on evening, twenty years ago today…
Two months had passed and we were almost convinced that he wouldn't show anymore, and that is when he chose to appear at the manor. We were in the sunroom, Prue, Piper and me when he just materialized, poised for the attack. He had a knife in his hands and was in his demon form. He launched at Piper but she managed to freeze the knife in mid air. Prue tried to tk him, but for some reason he seemed to have grown stronger than her powers even. He barely moved and was about to move toward her, when I decided that I couldn't let that happen. I didn't know what he would do then, but I didn't care. I was so ready to end this…
"Cole, what are you doing?' I asked.
At first, he just looked at me with the same rage, then something in his expression told me that I had gotten through to him somehow and I pursued it.
"You have to stop this, I know that you don't want to do this. Please look at me."
I tried to go to him, but Prue held on to me.
Then he talked:
"I can't stop it Phoebe." He had said this with such sadness in his voice, that for a moment I forgot all the anger.
"Only you can stop it now…"
"How?"
Prue tried to take me away from him. She thought that I couldn't do anything against him and was afraid of what might happen. As soon as she had been in front of him instead of me, the rage took over and he launched at her again, sending her flying through the glass doors. He then threw an energy ball toward Piper so fast, that she didn't have time to freeze it, and almost got killed. It only grazed her fortunately, but it was enough to send her backward and she hit her head on a chair falling unconscious. Then it was only we in the room and it happened again. Just as before, I saw him struggling to stop fighting.
"Phoebe, you have to help me. I can't do it myself, he won't let me."
I had already picked up the athame that I had taken from him a long time before, and kept with me at all times those days. Instead of staying away, he moved toward me, as if inviting me to hit him.
"You have to kill me, Phoebe. Quickly!"
At this point, I was so confused that I didn't know what to do. I was angry with him for hurting my sisters and those other witches. But at the same time, something kept me from killing him. It was the sensation that somehow, he had not been the one doing this. When he saw that I wasn't going to do it, he became nervous.
"Phoebe, you're the only one who can do it. I can barely hold him at bay because of you, but it won't last…"
"I can't," I said. And I truly couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to kill him, not even then.
"Then, I will not only kill them and you, but I will kill our son too…"
He had shimmered out right then and I knew where he went immediately. I ran upstairs and found him over your crib. He was again holding a knife and this time, he was threatening you.
"Cole you cannot seriously want to kill our son!"
"If I were you, I wouldn't wait to see. You better act now, because it will be all over soon if you don't and he will have won."
He lifted the knife, obviously ready to strike at you, and everything happened very fast after this. I reacted to protect you, much more than anything else and went after him. He sensed me coming and turned toward me. In the instant before the knife entered his chest, I saw something on his face, like there were two of him. Then, what I thought was another Belthazor or at least very close to it, materialized in the room. He screamed in rage, but before he could come after me, a bright flash of light hit him and he blew apart right there in front of me. I was so shaken that it took me a moment to realize that Cole had transformed back to his human half as he was now lying on the floor, bleeding profusely from the wound.
At the time, I thought that his demon half had been destroyed somehow, although I had no idea by whom.
So I turned to him, and he was barely alive when I went to him.
"Phoebe," he said in a weak voice.
"Thank you. He won't hurt you anymore, ever."
"Who?" But instead of answering, he said:
"Don't blame yourself Phoebe, you did the right thing."
By then, I was crying and unable to say a word, so I never got to tell him how much I still loved him, as he died soon after."
She suddenly looked up toward her son:
"If it hadn't been for you, I think that I would have turned the knife against myself that night. I'm so sorry for the way I treated you. I think that for a long time, I blamed you for not bringing him back to me again…Not anymore however, you have to know that, and also that I always loved you, no matter what. And so did your father…"
Jason was too overwhelmed to talk at first. Then he said:
"But he was a monster…"
Phoebe immediately reacted:
"NO! He wasn't the one doing these things, and his good side is the only thing that save us from becoming the victims of the Source. Preventing also the enslavement of this world. You have to believe that. It is the only thing that kept me going through all these years Jason."
Jason still didn't seem convinced:
"What do you expect from me mother? I never resented you for any of this, and I won't start now, but what you just told me…Well, let's just say that I question the rightfulness of what I had done for him. And even if I thought that it was justified, I couldn't save him anymore. You know that."
She was still looking at her son, when she heard her sister calling to her. She turned to Prue, thinking that she was trying to tell her something, but this one was simply looking at her sadly. The voice started again:
"It doesn't have to be like that Phoebe. You can defeat the Source otherwise, and help countless more. Paige and Cole will help you. You only have to forgive yourself for my passing, Phoebe. It wasn't your fault and neither was it Cole's. It was meant to be."
"What are you talking about?" She asked aloud, getting the other two to look at her curiously. "Who is Paige? And you're here…"
Jason:
"Mother?"
But by then, his voice seemed to be coming from far away.
Cole woke up with a start, realizing that Phoebe was moaning in her sleep. She seemed very agitated and after a moment of hesitation, he shook her awake.
"Hey, what's wrong?"
She opened her eyes and looked at him like he was a ghost.
"You're here!"
Cole smiled comically:
"Hey of course I'm here. Where was I supposed to be?"
She hesitated for a long moment, touching his face and chest just to make sure that it wasn't still a dream. Although at this point, the nightmare had been so vivid that she wasn't sure what was real and what wasn't anymore.
"Phoebe? What is the matter with you."
"It was horrible. I thought that you were dead, that…"
"That what?"
But rather than answering him, she got up quickly and picked up her robe. She then went to Jason's bedroom, to make sure that it was real. Cole soon followed her there.
"Hey, you're scaring me," he said, although in a very soft voice, careful not to wake the baby.
Phoebe finally smiled weakly:
"Oh you have no idea."
She pulled him out of the room and toward theirs, before saying anything else.
And even then, the moment that they were in the room, she jumped in his arms, kissing him.
When she pulled back, he looked at her with even more puzzlement:
"Hey, the way you're acting, one would believe that it's been years, and not just last night." He couldn't help but smile at the thought.
"You have no idea how close to the truth you are."
He pulled her in a sitting position on their bed:
"Ok tell me, now you got my full attention."
As she was telling him about the nightmare, he couldn't help but wonder what it really meant.
"What do you think that was?"
"I don't know, maybe I feel guiltier than I thought about Prue. You know, the fact that we survived and she didn't…"
He took her in his arms:
"You know how sorry I am that I couldn't save her, don't you?"
Phoebe:
"I told you, I do not blame you for that, and neither should you."
Then, she asked hesitantly:
"Do you think that there might be some truth to that nightmare? About the Source and you?"
He grimaced:
"I don't know, this sounds rather farfetched. Although…"
Phoebe:
"What?"
Cole:
"Well, I never really saw what his demon form looked like…He kept this secret. But still, it doesn't matter…"
Phoebe:
"How so?"
"Because it's never going to happen. Believe me, nothing will make me leave you or return to what I was. And I doubt very much that he would find my present form very inviting." He answered with assurance.
"On the other hand," he added very seriously, "that would have ended the threat…"
Phoebe:
"Not at this price. In my dream, Prue told me that we would succeed anyway. One way or another…"
Cole:
"Well, I hope that this part was true. Come to think of it, though. Could your nightmare have anything to do with what happened last night? That might have brought back these bad feelings in you…"
Phoebe:
"I don't know, it's possible…"
The night before, they had finally left Piper and Paige to get some sleep, after a fashion, but before they could reach Jason's bedroom door and put him in his bed, someone had knocked at the door. Phoebe, curious, and a little worried, had gone back to the top of the stairs to see who that could be.
Piper had been the one first at the door, as she was preparing to leave, and was surprised to find Matthew there. She had not seen the young man since the day Paige orbed him close to the manor, but she recognized him immediately.
"Huh, hello?"
Matthew:
"I'm sorry, I know that it's very late, but I saw the lights still on… And… I wondered if Paige would still be awake?"
This one, curious as well about the late visitor, was just coming toward them, and he turned to her with a smile.
"Paige," he said softly.
Piper turned to her sister curiously.
"That's ok Piper, I'll get it from here."
Piper:
"Alright then. If Leo comes here first, just tell him that I went back home and that I'll be waiting for him…If I don't fall asleep first." She added with a little smile.
Paige:
"I'll make sure. And good night!"
Piper gave another suspicious look toward Matthew:
"So," she asked Paige again, "you will be fine?"
Paige smiled:
"Of course."
Piper left reluctantly.
Matthew looked at Paige with a little embarrassment.
"I'm really sorry if I'm bothering you…"
Paige:
"No! It's fine, I just didn't expect you at this hour, that's all…"
Matthew:
"It's just that after I left here, I realized that there was something that I wanted to talk to you about…"
Paige:
"And?"
Matthew:
"Would you mind very much if we did this somewhere else?" Then he added rapidly:
"Only if it's ok with you of course."
Paige puzzled a little over this:
"I don't really mind, but why not here?"
Matthew:
"I just wanted us to have a little privacy," he whispered, indicating the stairs.
Paige turned and only now, noticed that her sister had been watching them. Phoebe decided however, that she had seen enough, and turned back toward Jason's bedroom, as Paige was still looking toward her.
"You might be right about that," she answered with a smile.
She wasn't too sure that it was very reasonable to go out with him in the middle of the night, but in the end, Phoebe's stories had convinced her that maybe they truly were destined to meet in this life. And besides, what she had said about him, told of a very decent man.
"Wait a minute, I'll just grab my bag and be with you in a second."
Matthew watched her going with mixed feelings still lingering in his mind. But when she came back, the doubts had once more receded, and they went out together.
Phoebe put the baby in bed and came to join Cole in their room with a puzzled look about her. He noticed immediately and wondered about it:
"What is it?"
Phoebe:
"Oh it's probably nothing. Just that Paige's boyfriend was just here. And there is something else…"
Cole:
"He was here, now? Isn't it a little late for a social call?"
Phoebe:
"Well that is strange, but the other thing is even stranger…"
Cole:
"What other thing?"
Phoebe:
"Well, remember how I told you that I had never seen him except in those dreams of mine?"
Cole:
"Yes…"
Phoebe:
"Well, those visions must have been really good, because the boy from the past looked exactly like Matthew."
Cole:
"I thought you said that you recognized souls, not people…"
Phoebe:
"True… But I had never seen him before…"
Cole:
"You must be right about the visions. They were pretty good. Even if they included one of your old flames," he added teasingly.
Forgetting all about Matthew right then, she started laughing.
"Not that again," she replied in the same teasing tone of voice.
Cole:
"Come here and let me make sure that you won't remember that particular face in the morning," he said, pulling her toward him playfully. He kissed her and she stopped him only an instant to ad breathlessly:
"Clay who?"
He pulled away from her, pretending to be offended, and she laughed some more:
"Alright, alright, I'm never saying that name again," she said then, as she pulled him toward her and they fell on the bed, still laughing.
He didn't lose time, undressing her rapidly, and she did forget all about anyone else…
Nicholas had just about given up on seeing them that night, when he finally spotted the car coming back. A triumphant smile appeared on his lips…