A/N They belong to Jonathan Larson… even Cindy and her kids!

The drive back to Scarsdale is a quiet one. Roger spends the time trying to find a good station and complaining that everything on the radio is crap. I just drive and think. Never in my life has so many things changed in just few short days. And now, I am about to shift it a little more by telling my mother that Roger and I are in love. Roger and I are in love. It still sounds strange. Is it possible? Could it be?

I look over at him staring at the digital display complaining about the boyband on the radio. He looks up and smiles at me, and that smile makes one appear on my face. I have loved Roger in one way or another for as long as I have known him. The past few years, I have known something had changed, that I desired him more than I let myself on. I was jealous of Mimi, though I never let it show. I relished in their fights, because he would come back to me. I justified to myself by thinking that I just cared and missed him. I remembered the "good ole days" fondly. I wanted that back, I told myself.

"Do you remember when we first met?" I suddenly ask. He looks up at me, puzzled.

"Yeah, sure, why?"

"What did you think?"

"What did I think? Of you?" He sits back and looks at me, "I thought you were a scared kid."

"Roger, you are only one year older than me." I shoot him a look.

"Yeah, but you showed up at the loft and you were so afraid, and you had a black eye, I remember that. I knew why automatically. You didn't even have to say a word about it. Collins and I showed you which section of the room was yours and went and laid on your bed. I remember you were wearing a plaid flannel over your Club Babyhead t-shirt."

"You remember that?"

"Yeah, well, my band played there once and it struck out at me." He shrugs and opens the center console and sifts through my mother's tapes. "Neil Sedaka?"

"Who knows," I laugh. "Did you like me right away?"

"Huh?" He turns the tape case over studying the songs, barely looking up, "Yeah, I guess. You kept to yourself for a while. When Benny showed up a few days later, you seem to relax a little more." He puts the tape away and grabs another, "Oh here we go… Billy Joel…" He places the tape in the cassette player and rewinds it. "Why, what did you think of me?"

"I don't know, I was so freaked out that I was there. I guess I was a scared kid. I know I was intimidated by you and Collins."

He laughs, "Oh yeah, why?"

"Well, Collins is so nice and he of course welcomed me. I guess that just scared me, and you, well, you… you are just you."

"What the hell does that mean?" The tape stops rewinding and the beginning notes of "Piano Man" start.

"I don't know, I just wasn't expecting my new roommate to be someone like you. I remember knocking on the door so scared and Collins opened it, and he knew exactly who I was. You were sitting on top of the table, your legs were crossed and you were playing the guitar. You barely looked up. I remember your hair was blue then."

"Oh yeah," he absent mindedly rubs his hair, "So you weren't expecting a brooding guitar player, huh?"

"No, but I wasn't expecting a lot of things." I pull of the highway on the Scarsdale exit and continue, "Six years ago, it seems like a lifetime."

"It has been. Just think of all the shit we have been through the past six years." I nod, and he continues, growing serious. "No one besides the two of us will ever understand that. Not Collins, not Maureen or Joanne, and especially not anyone we could possibly meet now."

"Yeah, I know. I ran into this girl I went to high school with the other day and she wanted me to catch her up on my life. How can I possible 'catch someone up' with everything that has happened?"

"Exactly, that is why this makes sense." He waves his hand between us. "I mean, it may not make perfect sense, but I know you understand me. I have known it for a long time."

"Yeah, me too."

"Since that night?"

"Yeah, since that night."

I think back to the night we are both referring to. It was just after he had gotten his HIV diagnosis. April had killed herself two weeks before. I wouldn't let him believe he was positive until he had an actual test. I had convinced myself that he would be ok. He was just quiet, he didn't say much. He went to the doctor without even a protest. A week later, they called and asked him to come in.

I knew what that meant. They only ask you to come in if it is bad news. He wouldn't let me go with him. I spent the time waiting for him to come home watching an old film I made with April and Maureen. The two were performing a scene where they were fighting, and for an instant, April's sleeve slid back and the bruising showed. I never noticed it before. Another shot, she looked right at the camera. She was beautiful, blond hair, a great smile, and bright blue eyes. Except in this shot her eyes seemed hollow, and she seemed to be pleading with me. How did I miss this before? I knew they were using, but I chose to ignore it. I confronted them each once and they both denied it. Maureen and I were really serious at the time, and I was spending all my time with her.

I could have taken the time to notice. I could have stopped them. But, watching that, I felt nothing but guilt. April was dead, and Roger was probably dying. And it was my fault. I ignored all the signs. There she was, on my camera, practically staring at me, pleading for help. I vowed then that I would help Roger, no matter what. I would stop being so wrapped up in my own life. He needed me, and I would be there for him.

When he came home, I had put the projector away and destroyed that piece of film. It didn't matter; her face and that look were burned errantly in my mind. He went straight to his mattress and pulled the sheet around. I walked on the other side; he was digging through his box of things. "So?"

"So…" he hardly looked at me, "So she was right. I have it."

I felt my stomach go into my mouth as I tried to repress my urge to be sick. "Oh God…"

"Whatever…" I see him pull out a needle and stand up and walk around me.

"What are you doing?"

"What does it matter? I'm dying anyway, I might as well enjoy myself."

"No… you can't." I lunged toward him but he stepped away and then gave me a push.

"Just leave me alone Mark. Nothing you can say will change my mind." He takes out a lighter and a small bag filled with powder. He had never shot up in front of me. I stood still for a moment in bewilderment at how easy the process was for him.

"Roger, come on, stop…" I begged and went over to the table and grabbed his arm, "Look at Collins, he has it and he is ok. It isn't a death sentence." He pulled his arm sharply from my grasp and glared at me. "Look, I stood by before and watched you do this, I'm not going to now." I felt my breath catching up with me, and hot tears forming in my eyes, "I could have stopped you, I could stopped both of you, but now she's dead, and I'm not going to let you join her."

He looked at me. A look I had never seen before, not from him, not from anyone, it was a look of bewilderment. "You couldn't have stopped us." He quietly said, still gripping on the needle.

I nod through my tears, "I could have, if I was a better friend… if I…"

"For Christ's sake Mark, this is no one's fault but mine. I'm a junkie, we were junkies. You couldn't have stopped us, trust me." He looked at me again, "It started long before I even knew you."

I looked up at him, "What?"

He finally let the needle drop from his hand, "Yeah, I did it for the first time when I was sixteen. I'm the one who got April into it. I could have saved her, but I killed her instead." I see tears forming in his eyes now.

"No… no… you can't… you didn't…"

"I DID!" He stood up and slammed his hand down on the table. "I KILLED HER! I DID THIS TO US! She knew it was my fault and she left me here to deal with it on my own."

"No!… you are not on your own." I took a deep breath, "I'm here, and I'll always be here. I'll help you get through this. I promise." I stand up and face him, "No more blame. We can do this, you can do this."

He shook his head and went pack to the table and picked up the heroin. "I don't know if I can…"

"You have to… for me?" I reached out and touched him and he looked at me, and our eyes met. That was the first time I felt it. I didn't know what it was, but I felt it.

We never mentioned that night again.

"No one has ever cared for me the way you do, Mark."

"That's not true, Mimi… Collins…"

"Mimi was using. She cared about me on a surface level. I knew that. I tried to get her to stop, but she wouldn't. I wasn't strong enough to get her to stop."

"Roger, you didn't know she was…" I look at him, "Did you?"

"I did… I tried to deny it… all those times I accused her of being with Benny… I knew where she really was. I just couldn't let myself consider it. After awhile, she stopped sneaking around, and I started selling and it was just easier that way."

"Oh you want easy, do you?" I smile at him, trying to lighten the mood.

He smiles but remains serious, "Yeah, I want easy. I'm tired of working to be happy. You are the only person who has ever made me completely happy."

I take a deep breath, "Same for you."

"See that is why this makes sense. I don't know, Mark, it is like I don't care that you are a guy. I have never been attracted to another man before, but this is different."

"You know, I justified this all to myself by saying that we were trying to hold onto the past. Do you think that is true?"

"No, I don't. I want to forget the fucking past. My past sucks. I want to start a new life."

I pull into the driveway and hit the garage door opener.

"Well, here we are." I smile, "I don't know about this though." I nod my head towards the house, "I don't know if I'm ready to face the wrath of my mom."

He nods and smile, "We'll do what you want, I'll be in in a minute." He holds up his cigarettes. I glare at him, "Hey, it has been a while."

"Yeah, well don't expect me to kiss you afterwards."

"What's this about kissing?" My mother has walked into the garage.

"What? Nothing, I'm just giving Roger a hard time because he started smoking." My eyes are bugged and my heart has stopped.

"Roger! You know better than that." She marches over to him and holds out her hand, "You of all people shouldn't be compromising their health." She wriggles her fingers and I start laughing, "Hand them over." And he does! His face is bright red.

"Sorry Mrs. Cohen."

She swats him, "Please call me Marilyn." She turns around, "I was just making dinner if you boys want to help." She starts walking away, and then stops, "Cindy and the kids will be here." She looks at Roger, "I assume you are staying?"

"Yes, Mrs Co… uh Marilyn, if that is ok with you?"

"Honey, you are always welcome here," she rubs my arm as she walks by.

"Great, we'll be right in." She goes back into the house and I start cracking up, and so does he. We are both doubled over laughing so hard.

Once we have gotten control of ourselves and sneak in a few kisses, we walk in to the kitchen. The dining room table is set for a lot of people. "So, Mom, exactly who is coming here tonight?"

"Well, Cindy, Joe, Stevie, Victoria, the baby, so that is four, plus a high chair. Plus you and me and Roger. So that is seven." I count the place settings.

"Yeah, but you didn't know Roger was going to be here."

"Honey, just be quiet and shuck this corn, ok?" She hands me a paper bag filled with about a dozen ears of corn. I go sit at the table, pulling Roger with me to help. "Oh, Mark, I forgot to tell you. There was a message on the machine for you from when I went to the store."

"For me? Who was it?"

"Maureen actually." I notice her smiling. "It is still there if you want to hear it."

"Ok, sure." I smile at Roger and get a little nervous. I still haven't told him exactly what happened the other night.

I press play:

"Hi… uh… this message is for Mark, uh, this is Maureen… I'm moving out of Joanne's place. She is still pissed about what happened with us the other night, and I have to admit, I'm still confused. Since I have no place to go, and you don't either, I was wondering if you wanted to get an apartment together. I don't know how long you are planning on hiding out in Scarsdale, but I miss you. I know things are a little weird for us right now, but I thought we could try and find a two bedroom place. As friends… uh… for now… call me on my cell before she shuts if off, ok?"

The entire time the message plays I stare at the machine. I don't even notice my mother joining Roger at the table. "So, Mark, I thought you told me there was nothing going on with you and Maureen?"

I look over at her, and see the grin on her face. Then I turn to Roger, and see the scowl on his. "Yeah, Mark, I thought there was nothing going on with the two of you." I can hear the hurt in his voice, and I only hope my mother doesn't detect it.

She doesn't, she is to busy gloating. "I knew that you two would get back together, that whole lesbian thing… she was only doing it to cause attention to herself. I knew once she got it out of her system…"

"Ma… shut up, ok?" I step over to the table, looking at Roger, trying to catch his eye. "There is nothing going on."

"So what happened the other night then? And don't tell me to shut up, I'm your mother after all."

"NOTHING happened."

Roger still won't look at me. "You two were outside alone for awhile. Come on Mark, give us the details, enquiring minds want to know." He looks at me and smiles and I know that look.

"Look, I don't want to talk about."

"Oh, sweetie, come on, it is not like I'm going to ground you for kissing your ex-girlfriend." She looks at me, "You did kiss her, didn't you? Anything else?"

"Mom! Just drop it!" I throw the ear of corn on the table and get up and go through the door to the garage.

A few minutes later Roger appears. He stands near the door and doesn't speak, but I can tell he is there.

"Look, nothing happened."

"I know. I just want to hear you say it." He approaches me, my back still towards him, but I feel and hear him move towards me. It is dark in here, the only light, the setting sun coming through the windows. He reaches me and wraps both of his arms around my waist. "So what exactly did not happen?" He rests his chin on my shoulder, and then bends it slightly and bites my ear.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. "Ok, she kissed me."

He bites a little harder. "And?"

"And… she told me she still loved me."

His lips move from my ear, to the back of my neck. "And?"

"And I told her…" I can't take anymore and I turn myself around and I start kissing him, pushing him against the wall.

He pulls away, "You told her what exactly?"

"I actually didn't say anything. We kissed and then I went inside."

"So she thinks you still love her?"

"I don't know what she thinks." I kiss the corner of his mouth, but he shoves me away.

"Well do you?"

"What? Still love her… no…" I wrap my arms around his waist like he had done to me. "I love you, only you."

"But you still want her?"

"Roger, what is with this jealousy crap? My God, I haven't been with anyone in years, and you are actually jealous!"

"I… I guess I'm just a jealous person…" He turns around and lifts my chin, "I'm sorry. I know that I have no right to say anything."

"It's ok, it is kind of nice actually." I smile at him. We start kissing again and he pushes me over to the wall. The back of my head hits the button for the garage door and it starts to open.

I barely notice the garage grow lighter, but I don't pay attention. I'm too wrapped up with discovering Roger's taste and touch. I don't hear a car pull up; I don't hear the doors slam.

I do hear, "I fuckin' knew it," and another arm grab mine tightly and pull me away from Roger.

"Dad…" I look at him and then to my sister, whom I haven't seen in six years, and her brood of children and her husband all standing there with their mouths wide open.