A/N – Still not mine, still
belong to Jonathan Larson. Edited on
7/30.
The
bus stops and goes, jerking my lifeless body every few minutes, reminding me of
the pain around neck. Yes, I just need
to fixate on the physical pain, and then I won't have to think about what is
really going on. I don't know how to
process all that has happened. It is
too much; it is too much for me to process. I have to remind myself to breath at some points, because my mind is so
boggled even that is forgotten.
How did this happen? What happened? I'm still not
quite sure. All I know for less than
twenty-four hours, Roger was mine. But
then he pushed me away. Why am I
shocked? I have seen him do this to
Mimi a hundred times. Mimi… she is
still using. It sickens me to think
about that. I wonder if I can help her,
I wonder if she would even want my help. Maybe if I helped her, she and Roger could get back together. Maybe that would make him happy. But he said I make him happy. I had never felt happier than I did for
those few free moments in the garage. I
had never felt… no… he pushed you away… put you on a bus back to a past you were
trying escape from and he ran off… but where did he go? Would we find each other again? Do I want to find him again? Can I let him hurt me again? Will he give me the chance?
I feel like I have nowhere to go, no home to go to. My real home was destroyed along with the
home of my childhood. There was no one
waiting for me in New York. Except for
Maureen. Maureen… maybe things with her
would be different. Maybe she does
really still love me. Do I still love
her? No, I love Roger. Shit. Why do I have to love him? HIM!!! Him of all people! Why didn't I fight it? I just let it happen. I let myself believe him when he said he
loved me. I let myself lean over and
kiss those lips of his. I let myself
feel shivers as those same lips traced along my neck. I let him know I cared. I
let him know I felt the same. Why? Why did he force me away? Why did he get so scared?
Stop… thinking… about… him… Joanne… yeah… Joanne, I could
go see her. She is probably upset about
the Maureen thing. She is a good
friend; she will take care of me. I
wonder if Mimi is still staying with her. Do I want to see Mimi? I know I
want to help her, but will she know? Do
I have to tell them? Will they wonder
where he is? Do I have to tell them the
truth? Will they know that I love
Roger? Shit… there you go, thinking
about him again.
The bus jerks my body forward and I peer out the window
and notice we are back in the city. I
watch the familiar scaffolding and loud "Going Out of Business" signs serving
as a backdrop against the taxis and people scurrying about. I gather my bags, check for my camera, and
look outside as the bus drives down 42nd Street past Times
Square. Usually I would film, but I
don't even have the strength to pick up my camera and turn it on.
At Port Authority, it occurs to me that I have no
money. No money, and no place to
go. Great, I'm in terrific shape. I find a payphone and call Joanne
collect. I tell her I'm back in the
city and she is thrilled to hear from me. I was actually a little worried. I tell her I don't even have enough money for the subway and she tells
to catch a cab and she'll pay for it when I get there.
I do as she says, and about twenty minutes later, I'm in
Soho, with Joanne's arms around me. I
start trembling with her touch, and she notices but she doesn't say anything.
We walk up to the apartment, and I'm surprised to find Mimi
sleeping on the couch. "She hasn't been
feeling well." Joanne whispers to me,
taking my bags and placing them in the corner with the rest of the things I
left there. "She called into work."
I nod and watch her sleep. "Is she ok? Is it…"
"No, it's not. She and Roger broke up. He took off, we haven't heard from him in a few
days."
"Oh." That's all
I can say. I can't tell her that I
knew where he was. I can't say anything, because then I will say everything.
"So Maureen moved out." She looks at me, sad. "Mimi and
I have been really pathetic actually, staying up late and watching sappy movies
on Lifetime."
"Are you ok?"
"No. But I will
be." She opens the refrigerator and
offers me a drink. I ask for a beer and
settle in to a chair near the counter.
"I'm… I'm sorry, Joanne."
"I don't blame you, Mark. Not at all. We have had
problems since the beginning." She
opens two beers and hands me one. "I
have never been with someone who infuriates me more, I don't know why I stayed
with her."
"The Tango: Maureen, remember?" I smile at her as I say it, raising my eyebrows.
She laughs, remembering the first name we met. "Exactly. I should have gone running that night. Especially after she kissed that chick at The Life Café." She buries her head in her hands, "Oh Mark,
how am I going to survive without her?" I go over to her and rub her back and tell her it will be all
right. I look over at Mimi, is it going
to be as easy to comfort her about losing Roger, when I suffering from the same
ailment?
Joanne turns around and her expression changes. She reaches out and touches my neck and I
flinch away. "Mark, what happened?"
"Huh?" I absently
reach up and touch it myself, "What, nothing?"
"Mark, you are all bruised and swollen."
I am? I hadn't
even looked at myself to take in the damage my father caused. I know there is a huge lump on the back of
my head from when he pushed me against the wall. I didn't think he left any traceable marks behind.
"I'm fine, really." I turn away and drink from my beer.
"Mark! Your
neck! The back of it… who did this to
you?" I walk a few more steps away,
looking down. "It was your father,
wasn't it?" I don't react. "Mark, tell me it was your father and we
will get his sorry ass sent to prison so fast."
That I react to, I turn around, "No! Just drop it."
"So it was him…" She walks towards me and grabs my arm; I
pull it back, again from pain. "Christ
Mark, what did he do to you?"
"Nothing, we had a fight. It is no big deal."
"Of course it is. When did this happen? Why did it
happen?"
"Look it's over now, I don't
want to talk about it, ok? I'll be
fine, I'm here now, and I'm never going back there." I take a final swig of my beer and look around. "Do you mind if I crash here tonight? I don't really have anywhere else to go."
"Of course. Why
don't you take the bed?"
"No, I'll be fine."
"Look, let me get some ice for the swelling at least."
"Ok, thanks." I smile at her. I really do care about Joanne; we have a special understanding of
each other. Maybe she will
understand about Roger and me. No,
better off I don't say anything.
"Mark? You're
back!?" I hear Mimi's quiet voice from
behind me. I turn around and she is off
the couch and reaching out to hug me.
"Hey Mimi!" I
smile at her, she stops when she sees my neck.
"Mark, what happened."
I take a deep breath, "My dad
and I had a fight. I left for good this
time." I rub her shoulder, "How are you
doing?"
"I'm ok. Roger
and I broke up."
"Yeah, I heard." I give her a half smile.
"He's such a bastard." She looks up at me, "You don't know where he is, do you?" Well technically, I don't.
"Uh, no. Why?"
"Well he took off, and there are people looking for him."
She goes over to the couch, "Plus he has something for me."
I know what she means. I look over at Joanne who if oblivious. Do I let this opportunity pass me by? No, I can't. I go over to the
couch and sit on the table across from her. I try and speak quietly, but of course Joanne is going to hear. "I know what he had for you."
She looks up surprised and then tries to hide it. "No you don't. He just had some books of mine that is all."
"Mimi, I know about him selling."
"What?" Joanne
comes over to us, "Roger was selling?"
"No, he wasn't! I
don't know what Mark's talking about!" I see her body tense up.
"Look he told me, and he told me you are still
using." I look at her arms, but as
usual she is wearing a shrug that covers them. She unconsciously pulls at the sleeves on each arm.
"No, I stopped doing that a long time ago."
"Mimi, don't lie, he told me."
"Mimi, is it true?" Joanne's face continues to fall.
"NO! It's
not! I don't know what bullshit he was
feeding you, but I'm not using."
"Mark, when did you he tell you this?" Joanne turns to me.
I guess I need to fess up now. "Actually, he told me today." Was it only a few hours ago?
"Today? You just
said you haven't seen him."
"NO… I said I didn't know where he is. And I don't. I took a bus back here, and he went off somewhere else." I keep my voice even. Maybe they won't notice.
"Why didn't he come back with you?" Mimi snapped.
Another deep breathe, another lie. "Because I found all the drugs and I dumped
them in the toilet." They would never
believe that Roger would do that on his own free will. I barely believed he did it.
"Oh Christ." Joanne says softly, "He did that to you didn't he?" She points to my neck. I pull the ice away.
"No, he didn't. That was really my dad. Roger
was pissed though. He told me he
couldn't come back to the city now." I
look at Mimi, "I honestly don't know where he is now."
"Mark, they are going to kill him if he ever shows up
again, you know that right?" Mimi says
with fear in her voice. I nod. "Oh God, they know I'm his girlfriend, what
if they come after me?"
I look up at her, "I'm… I'm sorry, Mimi… I didn't know."
She stands up, looking down at where I am sitting. "Just don't… I don't want to hear your sorry
ass apology. Obviously you stuck your
nose in where it doesn't belong, AGAIN!"
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"It means, you are the reason we broke up! He could never separate himself from
you. He always ran to you if I pissed
him off. He always talked about how you
two needed each other. Why don't the
two of you just FUCK each other? It
would be a lot easier than dragging me and Maureen and even Joanne along for
all these years."
Her words strike me. Had she hit me it would have hurt less. I remain silent, trying to stop my trembling hands, trying to stop
thinking of him.
"Mimi, maybe you should calm…"
"No Joanne, look at him, I struck a chord." She turned back to me, "You love him don't you? I always knew it." She shakes her head at me. "I need to get out of here." She
grabs her purse and doesn't say another word as she runs down the stairs.
I fold myself over, not wanting to look at anything.
"Mark?" Joanne
comes over and now rubs my back. "Mark,
what she said, it is true isn't it? Are
you in love with Roger?"
I lift my body up and look at her. "Yeah, I am."
"Does he know?"
"He does."
"He feels the same way?"
I shrug, "Who knows, it doesn't matter, he sent me back
here and took off on his own."
She sits quietly for a moment. "Mimi's really using isn't she?"
"Yeah, she is."
"I've never seen her like that before."
I let out a small laugh, "I have, worse even. You should have seen her and Roger
sometimes."
"Anymore secrets and confessions I should hear
tonight?" I shake my head. She smiles, and takes my hand. "Ok then, what do you say Mark? Want to watch some sappy Lifetime movie with
me tonight?"
I nod and smile at her through my tears.
I fall asleep on the couch during the last half hour of
"Deception of Innocence" and the phone ringing wakes me up. Joanne answers it, and I roll over on the
couch, stretching my legs out to where she was just sitting.
"Mark, it's Roger."
I sit up and nod. She smiles as she walks into her bedroom and shuts the door.
"Hello?"
"Mark? Hey… you
got in ok?"
"Yeah, I guess. Where are you?"
"In the middle of Pennsylvania actually. There is nothing around." He pauses, "Are you ok?"
No you fool, you broke my heart. "Sure, I'm fine."
"Have you seen Maureen?"
"No. I saw Mimi
though."
"Oh."
"I told her that I know about her using and I that I
threw out the drugs."
"Why did you tell her that?"
"Well, I think she needs help…"
"No, why did you say you threw it out?"
"Cause she would never believe that you would do it
willingly."
"Yeah…"
"She is afraid those guys are going to come after her."
"What? No… I
don't think they would." I can hear the
uncertainty in his voice.
A few more seconds of silence. I feel the nerve in the bottom of my stomach rise up, and the
words escape before I can stop them. "Let me come meet you. Come on,
we can go see Collins, or go off on our own."
"No, it is better this way."
"How? How is it
better?"
"Are you going to be at
Joanne's for awhile?"
"I guess, for now."
"I'll call you in a few days, ok? Let you know where I end up."
"Yeah, sure."
'Mark, understand, ok?"
"No, I won't."
"Fine, whatever, I got to
go. I'll talk to you in a few days." I hear the sadness in his voice.
"I love you." Too
late, he already hung up the phone.