A/N (8/21/01): Will I ever stop tormenting these poor souls? I updated 2 chapters yesterday, so some of you may have missed Ch 16… go back and read, this will make a lot more sense. Tomorrow I'll update with Chapter 18 and I'll be all caught up with what I wrote in the downtime.
"Pan
across the tree-lined street – notice the absence of graffiti and garbage. This is Park Slope, my new neighborhood of
one week. Focus on Benny's Range Rover,
actually parked in front of our building, waiting for its owner to take it back
to that dirty island called Manhattan." I turn the camera so that it is facing me, "I'm waiting to be taken back
there as well. This doesn't feel like home
to me. I don't deserve to live in a
place like this."
Maureen and Benny exit the building and head towards me,
talking to one another. They have
inexplicitly become close friends since they both started dating girls from the
Kat Scratch Klub. That's where they
were heading now, to take their respective girls out on a double date. They offer to bring me along, stating that
they are sure they can find a date for me. 'Or worse case scenario, Mimi can be your date.' I decline.
I guess Mimi hasn't mentioned the fight we had the last
time we saw each other. I hadn't
either. In fact, I hadn't told either
Benny or Maureen what really happened in Scarsdale. I just changed the subject whenever they asked, and the question
started fading along with the bruising on my neck.
"Come on, Mark, you need to get out." Maureen's voice breaks my
concentration, "You're locking yourself
up again."
"No, I'm not. I got some work to do, that is all." I smile at her, "Trust me, I would go, but I
got some really good footage that I want to work on."
"Then tomorrow night?"
"Sure." I nod,
just to shut her up.
"Promise? I want
you to meet Felicia."
"Yeah, and you still haven't met Raquel yet, either."
Benny chides in. As if I want to meet
either of their Flavors of the Week.
"I promise. Have fun."
"We'll tell Mimi you said hi." Maureen yells as she gets into the truck.
"Yeah, great." I
turn the camera on and film them driving down the street, letting out a loud
sigh as it disappears around the corner.
I go inside, into my room and take out my projector. I have the stack of film piled next to my
bed. I tell them that I'm working on my
documentary. The same goddamn film I've
been working on since the night Roger and Mimi met. I still had no idea what I wanted to accomplish with it. I just know I want it finished. But I'm not working on it tonight. I haven't worked on in since we moved,
though they think that's what I've been doing locked in my room.
No, what I'm doing is watching Roger. It is sick, and every night I tell myself
I'm not going to do anymore. But every
night I put in a reel, and then another, and then another. I watch him intently, his every movement,
his every syllable. I have one piece
that is my favorite. It is a simple one
actually of Collins, him and I having a snowball fight in the park. I stepped away for a few minutes and got
them laughing and throwing snow at each other. Both seemed so carefree and young. The cold air caused Roger's cheeks to glow red, and at one point he
laughs so hard he falls into the snow. There is an instant that I can see his soul, I can see why I fell in
love with him.
Night after night I watch the films. Almost as if I am punishing myself for
letting him go. But I am not letting
him go, by staring at these frames night after night, I'm keeping him with
me. I won't allow myself to forget him,
even though that is what I want more than anything. At least, that is what I tell myself, my actions reflect
differently.
The phone rings and I let the machine pick it up. The same answering machine we had in the
loft. Gone forever are Roger's and my
voices yelling "SPEAK!" It is now
Benny's voice sounding very formal and boring.
"Thank you for calling. You have reached the home of Benjamin Coffin the Third, Mark
Cohen and Maureen Johnson…" You can hear in the background Maureen asking
why she's last, "Please leave a message after the tone and one of us will
get back to you A.S.A.P" That's how he says it to… A.S.A.P, sounding each
letter out, as if abbreviating it will give him and the caller ten seconds more
free time.
"Mark, it's Joanne. Pick up." I lunge for the phone
"Hey, Joanne." I pout over the phone. "What's up?"
"I'm in your neighborhood, but I don't remember which
building is yours." Joanne helped
Maureen and me move our things from her apartment. Of course, she and Maureen were barely speaking and when they
were, they were screaming at each other.
"Oh, ok, I'll meet you outside."
"Maureen isn't there, is she?"
"No. She uh…
she's out?"
"With that stripper again, huh?"
"I believe the term is exotic dancer." I laugh and then glance up to Roger's image
reflected against my wall. I shut the
projector off.
"Just meet me outside, I'll take you to dinner."
A short while later, Joanne and I are sitting down eating
pizza and beer. She has been really
quiet, talking about the weather and a television show that she watched but I
can tell she has something on her mind.
"OK, Joanne, spill, what's going on?"
"I'm that obvious, huh?" I nod and smile. It is nice to
be in her company, it is wonderful not having to pretend everything is fine.
"Well I have a few things I need to tell you."
"Oh?" I look,
worried, this didn't sound good.
"Ok, I'll just tell you, Collins called me yesterday."
My eyes widened and panic struck. Why would Collins be calling Joanne? "How… how is he?"
"He's fine. Don't
worry, he's fine. He called me about a
Living Will though."
"Why would he do that if he's fine?" I feel my heart pounding inside of me.
"Because now is the time to do it, when he is
healthy. He knows he may not be forever." I nod slightly. "Roger was there."
I look up, surprised. "Oh?"
"Yeah, he's been staying with him." I nod. "Collins really wanted to talk to you, apparently Roger won't tell him
what's wrong."
"Typical." I take
a large sip of my beer.
"Well apparently he got to Portland sometime last week,
broke and sick."
"Sick?"
"Yeah, but Collins said he was getting better, but he was
concerned because he didn't know why Roger had shown up suddenly. It seems that he hitchhiked most of the
way."
"Oh God… he's sick…" I look away, trying to blink away
the tears that have suddenly formed.
"Mark, he'll be fine." She takes my hand, but I can tell she doesn't quite believe it herself.
"Yeah, I'm sure he will…" I don't convince myself, as I
let my imagination run wild, picturing him in dirty clothes and a bad cough,
barely standing at Collins' doorway.
"So do you want to hear my other news?" She's trying to change the subject. How can I think about anything else when I
just found out the person I love needs me and I'm not there for him. "I got a job offer." She continues on without my permission. I barely hear a word she says. "Its… Washington… don't know… you think?"
"Huh?" I look up
at, just noticing she stopped talking.
"Do you think I should take it?"
"What?"
"Mark," she exhales loudly, "I got an offer to work for
the ACLU in Washington DC. I would be
dealing with Supreme Court cases."
"Wow." My eyes
widened. "Are you going to take it?"
"I don't know… Do you think I should?"
"It doesn't matter what I think." I reach out for my camera, "I'd miss you
though." Stop thinking about Roger…
"Thanks. I don't
know… maybe it would be a good idea, get away from New York."
"And Maureen."
She looks up at me, "Yeah, and Maureen. Honestly, I already decided, I'm going. I just needed to hear you tell me it would
be ok."
"It will be ok." I smile at her, "I'm proud of you."
"I'm proud of you too." She smiles at me and takes my hand.
"What did I do?"
"You're moving on. Not letting him hold you back."
"Oh." Little did
she know.
"Do me a favor, ok? Don't tell Maureen. I want her
to find out from me."
I sense the wickedness in her tone and I shake my
head. "She'll try and make you change
your mind."
"Ah, but it won't work."
Joanne drops me off and before I get out of the car, she
asks me if I'm really ok. I tell her
that I am. She hugs me and she tells me
that she is sorry that she ever caused hurt in my life, and that she was so
glad that I was a big enough person not to hate her on principal. I tell her that I love her and she is one my
best friends and she says the same. She
promises to call when she makes plans and drives off.
I stand there and watch the car pull away. No, I'm not ok. I know where Roger is. It
was easier when I didn't. Now I know
where to find him, and I know that he needs me. I'm going to him. I'm
going to go upstairs and pack and when Benny gets home, I'm going to borrow
money from him for a plane ticket. This
time tomorrow I will have him in my arms again. He won't be able to fight me off this time. He won't be able to force me away. I'm not going to waste anymore precious time
being angry at him.
I walk up the stairs and use my three keys to enter the
apartment. I'm surprised to see Maureen
on the couch. I'm even more surprised
when she looks up at me, her eyes bloodshot and her lips quivering.
"Oh Mark!" She
comes over and wraps herself around me. Did she already find out about Joanne moving? That must be it. I stroke
her hair and back lightly as she leans all her weight against me. Benny comes out of his room, cell phone
attached to his ear. His eyes are
bloodshot too.
This couldn't be about Joanne.
I pull back from Maureen. "What's going on?"
"I… Mi… Oh God!" She goes back to sobbing on my shoulder. Now I'm starting to get really scared. Benny comes over and peels Maureen away from me and guides her to
the couch. He ushers me further into
the room and tells me to sit.
"I'll stand, what's wrong?"
He takes a deep breath, "I don't know how to say this,"
his eyes begin watering, "but Mimi's dead."