A/N: Hmm… usually the
chapters are longer than this… we're winding down here (didn't I say that 10
chapters ago?). Mark keeps reminding me
to tell you all that he doesn't belong to me, that Jonathan Larson created him
and all of the others. I think he is
happier that way…
Oh and thanks Kait for being
my beta.
The words fall from his mouth
slowly. I can almost see them floating
in the air. "Mimi's Dead… Mimi's
Dead… Mimi's Dead…" I stare at him, trying to see the joke, waiting for the
punch line, but a sob from Maureen tells me there is none. Benny's phone starts ringing; he looks at me
apologetically and answers it. He walks
away. All of the noises in the room
grow louder, Maureen's
moans, Benny's booming voice, a teakettle on the stove. I close my eyes and try to regain balance,
barely noticing that I lost it.
"Maureen…" I exhale softly, as I sit down
next to her. She nods and throws
herself on my lap. I stroke her hair
lightly, trying to understand. "What…
what… what does he mean? What happened?"
"Heroin…she
was still using… she overdosed…" She gasps out the words between sobs. I hardly understand her, but I knew the
answer before she told me. Christ, this
is my fault. I knew… why didn't I stop
her? Oh God… I should have stopped her…
Roger is going to be so… oh God… Roger… Oh God… Mimi…
I sit and
stroke Maureen's hair, unsure of what to do next. She bawls in my lap asking why over and over. I try to tell her. I try to tell her that the reason why was my fault. I knew, and I didn't stop her. I transferred my feelings for Roger onto her
and turned her away. I blamed her for
Roger selling again. I blamed her for Roger
leaving me, for him being too scared. It was easier to be mad at her than him. And now she is gone.
Benny walks
out of his bedroom, flipping his phone closed. "Well they arrested them." Maureen sits up quickly, wiping the tears from her eyes.
"Really?
They found them?"
I look
between them, "Who? Who are you talking about?"
"Barry and
Peter Katz, the owners of the Kat Skratch Klub." I nod, though I'm not sure why. "They are the ones that were supplying Mimi, and most of the other girls
there for years. I guess the cops have
been staking out the place for weeks, and Mimi's overdose gave them enough fuel
to arrest the bastards.."
"According
to Felicia," Maureen adds, her voice more steady, but still gripping my hand,
"Mimi got beat up really bad the other night, but she wouldn't say who did
it." I feel the color wash away from my
face. "I have a feeling we know
now." I nod, and turn back to Benny.
"Where was
she?"
"In the
back room at the club. The girls who
were back there said there was nothing out of the ordinary about tonight. She was shooting up, but the same as usual." Benny's voice quiets down, "Her body just
couldn't take anymore, I guess."
"Oh my
God…"
Benny comes
over and sits on the couch and lightly pats my leg. He sprints up again, and opens his cell. "Do you know Collins' number? We should really call him."
I look up
quickly. "Uh, yeah, I'll go get
it." I stand up and steady myself. My head is spinning. I hear Maureen mention
calling Joanne. "Oh, she's in her car. She just dropped me off."
"You were
hanging out with her?"
"Maureen, not now." I spat,
"Do you want me to call her?" She
shakes her head and picks up the cordless phone.
With shaking hands I watch her
dial. "Pookie?" I take a deep breath and go into my room and
look for Collins' number. Benny follows
me.
"You really don't know where Roger
is, huh? I swear if I get my hands on
that bastard."
"What? Why?"
"Raquel told me he was selling
too. That the Katz brothers were
supplying him and he was making a pretty penny on the streets. That's why Mimi got the shit beat out of her
the other day." His voice rises, but
then drops again. "Maureen doesn't
know."
I nod. "So those guys that got arrested, were they the ones the Roger
was working for?"
"Why, you knew about this?" I shrug and pull search my desk for a piece
of scrap paper with the phone number on it. "Well, apparently he took off with a huge amount of shit, leaving Mimi
behind to take the brunt of their anger." I close my eyes and try to steady myself. "They beat her pretty bad, but to make up for it, they gave her a
freebie. I guess they liked her."
I find the number, but hold it for
a second. Roger's there. Everything will change when he finds
out. If he's sick, he may get sicker. Or he'll do something stupid. He won't be able to handle this. The image of April's body in the bathroom
comes flooding back to me. He was
holding her, begging her to wake up, when in fact the blood around her was
already dry. He spent months blaming
himself.
He'll never get over this. I'll never get over this. Mimi was an integral part of our
family. Her spirit and voice was part
of what kept Roger grounded. Evidently,
they weren't as good for each other as we all thought.
"Is that the number?" I nod and hand it to him. Joanne knows where Roger is. I can't protect him. She will tell them. Collins needs to know. So does Roger. My love's heart is about to break, and I won't be there.
"Roger is staying with him."
"Oh really?" His voice piques with interest. "Good, I won't have to wait long to find him
then."
"Benny, just don't. He loved her, he never wanted her to be
hurt."
"Fuck him. He left her with his mess."
"He didn't know that would
happen!"
"The hell
he didn't."
Maureen
walks in, phone still against her ear. "The two of you better not be fighting." Benny and I glare at each other and each take a step back. Maureen holds the phone towards me, "She
wants to talk to you."
I nod and
take the phone, giving them a look begging for privacy.
"Hello?"
"Mark, I
just turned around, I'll be there in ten minutes. Are you ok?"
"No…"
"Maureen
told me what happened. Look you are not
to blame, you know that right?"
"Sure…" I
sit down on my bed and absently play with my camera.
"Mark, I
mean it, there was nothing you could do. I saw that you tried to help her."
"I didn't
try hard enough."
"Mark, do
not blame yourself. There is no one to
blame for this."
"Sure."
"Do you
want me to call Collins and Roger?"
"I think
Benny is going to."
"Ok, I'll
be there in a few." I nod into the
phone and hang it up. I drop it next to
me, and the fall back onto the bed and watch my ceiling spin.
Time must
have passed because the next thing I realize Joanne is sitting next to me on
the bed calling my name. She pushes my bangs out of my eyes. "Mark, it's ok."
I sit up,
"No it is not! Mimi's dead! She's not coming back!"
She shushes
me and wraps her arms around me, stroking my back. I allow myself to sob into her shoulder. I feel her body vibrate as if she is trying
to fight back the tears. She finally
loses the battle and begins to cry silently into my shoulder. I barely hear Maureen come in and out of the
room. I don't know how long Joanne and
I stay like that for. We cry until we
have no tears left. She finally pulls
away from me and wipes my eyes, and I do the same for her. We laugh to ourselves for a second.
"Are you
two ok?" Maureen's voice breaks our
shared silence. Joanne takes my hand
and nods. "I made tea, if you want
some."
"Thanks, Maureen." I smile as she walks out. "She's pretty
devastated."
"I
know." Joanne looks really hurt. "I just don't know if she wants me to
comfort her."
"I'm
willing to bet she does." Joanne stands
up and walks out to the kitchen. I hear
her ask Maureen to go for a walk and she agrees. The two leave the apartment, quietly grabbing their coats and
giving me a silent wave.
Benny and I
are alone.
"I talked
to Collins." I turn to his voice. "He doesn't know if they are going to be
able to come here. They don't have
enough money for a plane ticket."
"Can't
you?"
"I'm not
going to pay for Roger to come here, fuck that."
"Benny…"
"Look, I told Collins that I'd
give him money, but not Roger. Roger
can go to hell, as far I'm concerned. It is his fault this happened."
"Stop
saying that. It isn't"
"The hell
it isn't. He was selling. He took off without a word with God knows
how much smack and whatever else. He
knew they would kick the shit out of Mimi, but he didn't care. He doesn't give a shit about anyone but
himself."
"No, that's
not what happened!" I yell in spite of
myself.
"Mark, it
is time to get out of your dream world about Roger. He isn't this perfect icon you make him out to be. He's selfish, and an addict, and, I repeat,
he doesn't give a shit about anyone but himself."
"He cared about me. He cared about Mimi."
"No he
didn't."
"Look, she
was using before he started selling. He
just started doing it to pay for their meds. Because he didn't want her getting help from YOU anymore!" I'm shouting at him, the hot tears stinging
my eyes.
"Oh don't
go fucking turning this around to be my fault. The only thing I ever did was try and help her."
"Whatever
Benny, you just wanted to fuck her!"
"I loved
her too, Goddamn it." I look at him and
see tears dripping down his face. "No
one is even concerned with how I'm handling this. I was in love with Mimi. She knew it, I told her hundreds of times. But she loved him. I could have given her the world, but she wanted that fucking starving
musician."
"BENNY! YOU WERE MARRIED!"
"I would
have left Alison if a second for Mimi."
"You know what, it doesn't
matter. She's gone. It doesn't matter who loved who
anymore. There is no love left in this
fucking world."
Almost on
cue, Maureen and Joanne walk in to the apartment, arms around each other,
practically attached at the mouth. They
hear my last comment.
"Mark, you
don't mean that." Joanne says
softly. They both approach me, and I
feel the three of them circle around me.
"YES I
DO! There is no such thing as
love. All there is is hurt and
pain and death and and…" I step away from them. I lose my thoughts… I lose control… "He said he loved me… he left
her for me… he flushed all those drugs for me… He did it for me… He wasn't being selfish… He… did… it… for…
me…"
"Mark, calm
down," I feel Joanne reach out for me.
"NO! She's dead. She was alone, without him. That
is my fault. He left because of me,
because he was afraid to love me. He
couldn't deny it anymore…"
"What are
you talking about?" Benny looks at me
confused. "Roger… and… you?"
"No… yes… I
don't know… it happened… or it was going to happen…" I wipe my face with the
back of my hand. "I found those drugs…
he admitted everything to me… he flushed them all… even though he knew he
couldn't come back here… he didn't know
they would take it out on Mimi… he made
me come back… my father… my father caught us kissing…he got scared… he said he
wanted easy… that we could never be easy…"
"Oh God,
Mark…" Maureen steps towards me, but Joanne holds her back.
"It's all
my fault… all my fault…" I collapse to the ground and wrap my arms around my
knees. I hide my head in my lap… "All
my fault…" I repeat the words in spite of myself.
Joanne's
cell phone begins to ring. She ignores
it, and it stops, but then starts right up again. I hear her answer it, my face still buried in my knees. "Collins, hey. Not so good… Ok… yeah, no problem… I'll pay…"
"Joanne,"
Benny interrupts, "I'll get them both tickets."
"Ok. Collins, you and Roger just get to the
airport; we'll have everything taken care of when you get there. Love you too." I hear her phone snap close and I look up. "Mark, he's coming."