A/N: Sorry about this one taking a long time, my beta was slacking off. ::clears throat and waves to Kait:: One more to go after this. This chapter was really hard for me for some reason. Eh, hope you like it.

Around one in the morning, Joanne suggested we all try and get some sleep. Maureen and I laughed at her, but she insisted. "Tomorrow's going to be another long day. We have a lot of planning to do. We all need to rest." Before they disappeared into Maureen's room, Joanne insisted on 'tucking me in'. She wanted to make sure I actually got some sleep, though I knew it wasn't likely.

I turn and look at the clock; 3:43; Roger's plane will be here in three and half hours. He and Collins took the red-eye from Portland. My mind has been racing since my little breakdown earlier. The others had been acting strange around me. Well, Benny and Maureen were, Joanne seemed to know what to say and when to say it. She brought me tea, sat down on the floor next to me and rubbed my back until I caught my breath and was able to control my tears. Benny and Maureen kept firing questions to me about Roger, things I couldn't answer. Maureen was really interested on when and how my feelings for Roger changed. It was obvious she was fighting off jealousy. Joanne told her to shut-up and they began bickering.

Benny, on the other hand, just wanted to know about Roger's relationship with Mimi. He said she always knew, that she kept telling him there was something between us. He never believed her, and told her that was ridiculous. He would ask me a question and then tell me not to tell him, that he didn't want to know. Around 12:30 he took off in his Range Rover. I was honestly pleased to get rid of him. My spirits actually lifted a little, and I allowed the tea to take effect and calm me down.

Lying here now, I feel no calm at all. Anxiety has taken over. I've tried sleeping. I have closed my eyes and forced myself to remember the plot of a movie I saw a few weeks ago. Then I remembered I saw it with Roger and the nervousness returned. And then I started feeling anger towards myself. I was excited to see him. He was coming here for Mimi's funeral and no other reason. Nothing had changed. It sickened me that I allowed myself to think that with the tragedy of Mimi's death, I could hope for a reunion. And I did. I had it all in my head. He would walk into the apartment, look around, see me, we would make eye contact and he would drop his bags and embrace me. He would tell me he was sorry, and rumple my hair and pull away and kiss me. We wouldn't need to say anymore. He would be mine again.

4:03. Three hours and fifteen minutes until he lands. Then it will take about an hour for them to get here. Maybe I will go with Joanne to the airport after all. She asked, but I said no. I don't know if Roger wants to see me. I know he will have to eventually, but he may not want me standing there waiting for him. Plus, what if he really is sick? I haven't forgotten what Collins told Joanne. I'm sure Collins wouldn't let him travel all this way if he was. But then again, there is no stopping Roger once he gets his mind made up.

I get out of bed. No use pretending to sleep. I pull out my projector and some reels of film. The images flash against the wall and I watch Mimi and Roger dancing around. I shut it off almost instantly as I feel the emptiness in my stomach lurch up. I run out of the room and into the bathroom and quietly get sick. I lay my head against the toilet seat and close my eyes, wishing everything would go back to the way it was.

But when? When do I want to go back to? No time in my life has been easy. I have been facing the wrath of my father since I was a kid; I left Scarsdale to escape him. I came here, and I have found nothing but hurt and loss.

I suddenly recall a conversation between Roger and I. It was during that brief time where we openly loved each other. I asked him if he thought we were holding on to the past. He said no, the past sucked; he wanted to start a new life. Is that what he was trying to do now? I tried to; I have been trying to. I moved away from my old neighborhood, I have been trying to force myself to forget him. I tried to become cold and bitter. I couldn't do it. No matter how hard I try not to care, I just do.

I care too much.

And it isn't a bad thing.

That moment, in the car that day, that is the time I want to go back to. Those precious few minutes where we were candid with each other. Roger dropped his guard; he took down the wall around him and was truly honest with me. If only I could get him to keep that wall down.

"Mark, are you ok?" I look up and see Joanne, all dressed, keys in hand.

I nod, "Yeah, I am."

"Did you get sick?" She looks concerned.

"Yeah, but I'm ok. Actually, I think I just figured a lot of things out."

"Good." She smiles, "Do you want to come with me?"

"Yeah, I do."

Even at this early hour, the traffic to LaGuardia is unbearable. It takes us over an hour to get there. We are silent as we leave Brooklyn, but then Joanne begins talking.

"I still haven't told Maureen about DC."

"Oh. Do you think you are still going to go?"

She looks at me from the side of her eyes, "Absolutely. I need to go." She sounds as if she is trying to convince herself.

"What about Maureen?"

"This reconciliation we just had, it isn't for real. Mimi was someone we both cared about. We needed to be with each other last night, for support and comfort. Yes, we still love each other, but she and I still have the same problems we did before."

"Yeah, I was wondering about that."

"Obviously, I'm not leaving until after the funeral, and I don't think I'm going to tell Maureen until then. She doesn't need to deal with that."

"I don't know, do you think that's fair?"

"Is any of this?" I laugh in spite of myself. "So, what about Roger? What are you going to say to him?"

I shrug, "I don't know."

"Well, you may want to figure it out, because his plane is landing in thirty-seven minutes."

"Yeah, but he's here for his girlfriend's funeral."

"Ex-girlfriend."

"Ex-girlfriend, but he still loved her."

"Yeah, but now he loves you."

I shrug again and lean my head against the window, "We'll see."

We finally arrive at the airport, park, and rush to the gate. Their plane is scheduled to arrive in minutes. We get to the gate just as the passengers are exiting the plane. I stand next to Joanne, trying to control my excitement, fear, anxiety, love, passion, hurt, anger, and every other nameless emotion I'm feeling. I feel myself bouncing, and Joanne places her hand on my shoulder to steady me.

I see Collins first. He spies us and comes running, embracing the two of us at once. I haven't seen him in about six months. He finally lets go and we all look at each other. "You both look like shit."

"Thanks, Collins." I laugh, as he pulls me in for another bear hug. I'm surprised by how thin he is. "Same to you." I let go and he hugs Joanne again and I start looking over his shoulder for the bleach blonde musician. I don't see him, and I watch the flight attendant close the door. "Where's Roger?"

"He didn't come." Collins scowls as he puts his arm around me.

My face grows hot as a wave of nausea hits me again. "What?"

"After Benny called me and told me about Mimi, he was yelling and ranting about needing to get to New York. He kept saying he needed to be here, with you." He nods towards me. "But when we were about to board the plane he told me he wasn't coming."

"Oh Mark…" Joanne grabs my shoulder gently, but I jerk it away from her.

"I tried to convince him, but I didn't have any time. He just stood up, walked with me to the gate and said he wasn't coming. He wouldn't tell me why. I had to board the plane."

"But… Mimi…" I stutter.

"I know."

"Collins," Joanne stats softly, "Do you know what happened between Roger and Mark?"

"Joanne, it doesn't matter," I spit out.

"No, I don't. I assumed they had a fight, but Roger wouldn't say anything."

"Just forget about it," I snap. "It doesn't matter." I fight the tears away. I have cried enough the past 24 hours. I don't need the tears anymore. They don't help. Nothing helps. Only Roger could help, and he wouldn't come to me.

I quicken my pace so that I am walking in front of them. I know Joanne is filling in Collins on all he missed. I don't want to hear it. I don't need to relive it again. The hot tears drip down my face and I wipe them away, and silently scold myself.

But then it happens. They stop. The tears dry. I can almost feel the transformation. As if someone dropped an ice cube down my back, I feel the chill run through my bones. I sense my face harden, my body tense, and my emotions freeze. A wave of aloofness and bitterness sweep through me.

He broke me.

I stand still for a second and catch my breath. The clarity of the situation, of my life, shocks me. Things are never going to come easy for me. My world will never be perfect. If my life were to become perfect, than what would I have? Nothing. Not my art, not my passion, and definitely not my love. The bitterness leaves me as quickly as it came.

I don't need Roger's love to survive. I don't need him, but I want him and I long for him. Perhaps he is afraid of being with me as much as I was afraid of being without him.

"Mark? Mark!" I am startled out of my daze. "We are going to get something to eat." Joanne nods towards a coffee stand. I nod.

"These new meds I'm on, I have to take some with an empty stomach, and others with food. Basically, my whole day is planned around meals, and that flight in the middle of the night screwed me up." Collins smiles at me; the same tender, sarcastic, witty smile that first welcomed me to New York. I smile back, relieved that the icy feeling is gone.

We walk up to the counter, and Joanne and Collins each order a muffin, but I decide to keep my uneasy stomach empty. "How are you feeling, Collins?" He doesn't look as healthy as he did six months ago.

"I'm ok. The meds make me sicker than the actual virus. There were a couple of months there that I wasn't holding anything down." He laughs, "Great diet plan." I smile in spite of myself.

"These new meds, are they working?"

"Yeah, my T cell count is probably higher than yours right now."

"Wow, that's great." I close my eyes, fighting the exhaustion that is finally hitting me. Joanne rubs the back of my head as I let out a yawn.

"Tired baby?" I nod. "You didn't sleep at all last night, did you?"

"No, I didn't. I tried though." I plead with her. "I'll try again when we get home. I was just kind of nervous, I guess. Not that there ended up being anything nervous about." I pout.

"I still can't believe it, you and Roger."

"Whatever, there is nothing to believe." I shrug. Mark, you shouldn't ask… you need to move on… "How is he feeling, anyway?"

"Roger? He's ok. He ran out of AZT on his trip across country. Sort of messed with his system. But I took him to my doctor, and he had been feeling better." He shrugs. "I'll call him in a little bit and see what is going on in his head. Unless you want to?"

"No, I'm fine. I really don't need to talk to him." I start tearing at Joanne's now empty Styrofoam cup. "Are you sure he's ok?"

"Yes Mark, I'm sure."

The three of us leave the airport and I sit in the back of the car. I fall asleep on the ride home. Somehow, now knowing that Roger isn't here, my body seems more relaxed. I sleep all the way to the apartment.

The next thing I realize is that I'm being carried. I open my eyes and find my face inches from Collins. "Collins! Put me down."

He does as he is told and laughs. His laugh, like his smile, is contagious and I find myself laughing too, in spite of myself. The three of us walk upstairs, but Maureen meets us half way, bolting down the staircase and throwing herself into Collins' arms.

"Ah! I missed you!" She kisses his face all over, and wraps her legs around his waist. "Welcome home!"

He keeps laughing, spins her around, "Thanks, though I wish it were for better reasons." He puts her down and places his arm around her shoulder. The smile is still on my face, until Maureen says those dreaded words.

"Where's Roger?"

Joanne's, Collins' and my face all fall. "He decided not to come at the last minute." Joanne informs her.

"That bastard!" Maureen yells and turns to me, "Are you ok?"

"He'll be fine," Collins answers for me, grabbing my arm and pulling me towards him. "We are going to get through this time together, like the family that we are."

"Except that Roger isn't here," I whisper to myself.

The first thing I notice when we walk into the apartment is Benny's leather jacket thrown on the couch. "Oh, so he made it home, huh?"

Maureen shrugs, "Yeah, I guess. He didn't say anything to me, just came in, showered and went to sleep. I don't know… he just doesn't seem… right."

"Sweetie, none of us are "right" right now." Joanne wraps her arms around Maureen's waist from behind her. She leans her chin on the smaller woman's shoulder. "I'm sure this isn't easy for him though. He did date Mimi once upon a time."

"I know…. But…" Maureen looks towards the door, "I've just never seen him show any emotion. He broke down when we found out last night. I don't know… I'm worried."

"Perhaps he cared for Mimi more than we knew." Collins says.

"He loved her." They all look at me. "He told me last night, we were fighting and he said it. He was in love with her."

"Who knew he was capable?" Joanne says, and Maureen pulls away from her.

"What is that supposed to mean? Of course he is capable."

"Maureen, I just meant that since I've known him, he has shown me no signs of caring about anyone but himself."

"Well before he met Muffy, he cared about all of us," Maureen points out.

"Damn, things have sure changed around here." Collins finally drops his bags and looks around. "Maureen… sticking up for Benny… the three of you living in a place that not only has heat, but a dishwasher! Shit, six months can change a lot."

"Well, we're only living here because of Benny." Maureen ignores Collins attempt at changing the subject. "I don't know, he and I have spent some time together these past few weeks, and… Christ, you guys didn't see him yesterday."

"It's ok, Honey, I didn't mean to sound cold." Joanne embraces Maureen and looks at me. She and I exchange a look. It isn't going to be a pretty sight when Joanne tells Maureen what is going on.

"Hey Mark, why don't we take a walk, you can show me around the new neighborhood." Collins lays his hand on my shoulder, and I look at Joanne and she nods. I think it may be a good time to leave the women alone.

"Yeah, ok. Let me just grab my camera." I go into my room, grab the camera and my coat and Collins and I are out the door.

"So, a lot of things going on, huh?"

"Yeah, I guess," I say nonchalantly.

"You want to fill me in?"

"Didn't Joanne do that at the airport?" I turn the camera on and get a shot of the corner street sign and a cab behind it.

"She told me some, and Roger told me some. Now I just want to hear it from you."

"Roger told you some?"

"Well, it took him awhile, but one night, we shared a bottle of wine. He opened up and told me that he was in love with you."

"He did? How come you acted surprised at the airport?"

"Well, Joanne asked me if I knew what happened with the two of you. Truth is, I didn't. All I know is that Roger said he loved you. I didn't know you felt the same way. You do feel the same way, right?"

"Yeah, I do." I turn the camera towards Collins.

"I asked him why he came to Portland and he just said because he ruined everything. He told me you probably hated him for what he did. I couldn't get him to tell me what that was."

"He pushed me away," I snap. "He told me he loved me, and then he pushed me away. I mean, who does something like that? Who gives you the world and then snatches it back from you?"

"Mark, he was scared. I'm sure this is all new to him."

"Oh, like it is old hat to me," I sarcastically add.

"I know… I know…"

"Look, I don't want to talk about it. These past few weeks I have gone back and forth from hating him to loving him, from needing him to wanting to hurt him. I don't even know how I feel anymore."

"Mark, you need to talk to him. The two of you need to settle this, because I can see it is driving you mad."

I put my hand up and back away. "No." I shake my head. "I had myself prepared to talk to him this morning and he didn't show up. I can't keep hoping."

"Trust me, Mark, he's as confused as you."

"I'm changing the subject now. How are you? Are you seeing anyone?"

He laughs at my not so subtle attempt. "No, I'm not, and I told you, I'm feeling ok. Not great, but ok."

"What is this that I hear about a Living Will?"

"Joanne told you?"

"Uh, was she not supposed to?"

He laughs, "No, I told her she could tell you, but I wanted to talk to you about it. I put you down as my benefactor. I know you wouldn't want me to suffer."

"Me? I… I couldn't…."

"Mark, I don't know if Roger will still be around." I look up at him, scared. "This isn't going to be tomorrow, this is years from now. I just want to make sure I'm not hooked up to machines, ok?"

"I guess so." I pout. "They'll find a cure before then."

"From your mouth to God's ears." He smiles and grabs me and brings my body close to his. "I love you, Mark, don't forget that."

"I love you too."

"Good, let's go check in on the girls."

"Uh, let's give them a little more time." I don't feel any need to barge in during that conversation.

Collins and I walk around for a little more. We go to Prospect Park, which really is a beautiful place. We find a table with a chessboard set up and we sit down and play a few games. Collins needless to say, beats me easily each time. His mind works in a much more logical way than mine.

It is wonderful. For the first time since I got on that bus, my mind is clear of Roger, Mimi, and my family. I put my full concentration into the game. After the third match, and Collins getting a checkmate in less then ten moves, I give up. Collins laughs and says I put up a good fight.

I find myself growing serious again and hold up my camera and take his face. "Tell me Collins. Why did you run away to Portland?"

"I ran away? Well yeah, I guess I did. I had to. I saw my Angel everywhere. I needed to go to a place where I could remember her, but not be reminded of her. As for why I picked Portland, who knows. Oregon just seemed like the other side of the world, you know?"

I turn the camera off and drop it to my side. "I know. Did it help? Putting an entire country between you and the memories?"

"No, it didn't. I still think of her every day, when I wake up, when I brush my teeth, when I walk past a store with a gorgeous dress I know she would have died for. The only thing moving to Portland do was make me miss my family." He looks up, "Well, until one of you arrived at my doorstep."

I smile at that comment. "Then why go back? Stay here."

"I don't know. It is tempting. Things sure have fallen apart since I left." He shakes his head, "Maureen and Benny actually friends, who would have thought?"

"Ah shit, Maureen!" I stand up quickly, trying to guess how long we have been gone.

"What?" Collins stands with me, and we start back towards the apartment.

"Joanne was about to tell Maureen that she's moving to DC. I can't even begin to imagine the state of her mind right now."

"Fuck, let's go."

We walk quickly to the loft, and I'm surprised to see Joanne's car still sitting in its parking spot. "Well, maybe things didn't go so bad after all."

I take out my keys but Collins grasps my arm. "Mark, before we get inside, I just want to tell you, putting an entire country between New York and myself didn't help me forget about Angel. It won't help you forget about Roger, either."

"He's the one who put the country between us."

"I know. But don't be stubborn. The two of you don't have eternity, and you know that."

"Yeah, but…"

"No buts. Just talk to him, ok?"

"We'll see."

He leans his head against mine, "Well, let's see if we have a war zone inside, huh?"

I smile, "Yeah, let's."