A/N: Almost the end. Only the epilogue left. I
started this thing in mid-June and here it is September! Well, I wanted a summer project, and this
was it. I'm so pleased that a lot of
you enjoyed it. This story is over 100
pages long, the longest thing I ever wrote. Now I know that I am able to
develop a story arc and complete it. So
yeah, I'm proud of myself. I'll stop
patting myself on the back now, and let you all read the conclusion. Be on the lookout for the epilogue next
week.
I turn over and face the wall. I ignore the pleas from behind the door. Collins. Maureen. Even Benny. They have all tried to get me to open the
door, to let them in, to explain what happened. I wasn't ignoring them on purpose. I was just trying to sleep. When I sleep, it doesn't hurt anymore. Each time they knock, they wake me, and each
time I wake, the memories flood my body.
It is easiest when I sleep.
The drive home was hell. Easily the worst four and a half days of my life. I was exhausted, but I just needed to get
home. I barely stopped at all. Just a few times a day. Only one time I stopped to sleep, and only
because I started hallucinating. I
actually thought I saw people crossing in front me on the highway, When I
swerved to miss one, and almost collided with another car, I knew that I had to
rest.
Beside that, I had four and a half days to do nothing but
think about Roger. Collins' car didn't
even have a tape deck, so I was forced to listen to whatever radio stations I
could get. About a third of the way, I
gave up and turned it off. Silence. Silence and my
thoughts; not a good combination.
Finally I made it
though. By the time I was crossing the
Brooklyn Bridge, my eyes were barely open, my hair was sticking in seven
directions, from not being combed or brushed in days. I felt disgusting; I was disgusting. I pulled in front of the apartment, clamored out the car, walked
up the stairs and handed Collins his keys. He asked me what happened, but I just walked straight to the shower. From there, I stumbled to my bedroom, where I
locked the door and fell asleep. It has
been three days since I got home.
"Mark," the knocking continues, "You need to get up. You need to eat something."
I ignore Collins and close my eyes and try to force sleep
on myself. The last day it has been
more difficult. I've slept too much, but I don't want those thoughts anymore.
He's right though, food does sound good. I hear him walk away and complain to whoever else is in the room. I sit up on the bed and rub my eyes. I stare at the door, knowing that if I walk
out of there, I will have to explain everything.
I
faintly hear the phone ring. "Mark!" Collins again. "Mark, it's Roger, he really wants to talk
to you." This isn't the first time that
Roger has called. I know of at least
three other times that they have knocked on my door telling me he's on the
phone. I lie back down and curl up my
body, trying to find that comfortable position, and force myself to sleep. "MARK! I'VE HAD IT! WAKE THE HELL UP
AND GET OUT HERE OR I'M COMING IN!".
Think
good thoughts… think happy thoughts… think about your film… think about… "Roger, he won't open the door. Yeah, I'm going to do that. Yeah, ok. Talk to you soon." Collins voice
fades away again. I close my eyes and
steady my breathing, think about Roger… no… but if Roger was lying next to
you things would be ok… no he's not, he's in Portland, he pushed me away… you
left on your own this time… only so that he couldn't do it first… do you
remember? What it felt like to have
those lips on your mouth? On your
neck? Do you remember what it sounded
like when he said 'I love you?' No, I
need to forget… I don't want to remember. I shut my eyes as tight as they can get and shake my head,
attempting to drive the memories away. Suddenly I hear the door being pushed. I turn around and look, wondering why they would think I would suddenly
unlock the door. Then I hear a
scratching sound. No, they're not…
"Benny,
hold this screw…"
"Collins,
lefty loosey, remember?"
"Yeah,
yeah…" I hear a piece of metal fall to the ground. Fuck, they are taking my door down by the hinges.
"Guys…
stop, ok? I'll open the fucking
door." My voice sounds strange to
me. Scratchy. I realize that I haven't spoken in three day. I climb out of bed and turn the handle and
open the door. "See, I'm alive,
everything is fine."
"About
fucking time, Cohen." Benny walks past
me and into my room. "Christ, it smells
like someone died in here!" He holds
puts his hand against his face, "Open up a freaking window." He follows his own instructions and opens up
the two windows in my room.
"Mark,
are you ok? Why have you locked
yourself up in here?"
"I
needed to sleep."
"For
three days?" Collins looks at me
exasperated.
"I
hadn't slept in days. Not since Mimi's
funeral. Then I drove across country by
myself, so yeah, for three days." I
grab some clothes from the top of my dresser that never seemed to get put
away. "I'm going to shower now, if
that's ok."
"Yeah,
and when you get out, you and I are going to the Life Café. We need to talk."
"Look,
I'm tired…"
"…just
get in the shower."
I
shower. I spend an extra amount of time
in there, holding off the inevitable. Finally, I turn the water off and step out. I hear Collins saying good-bye to someone and hanging up the
phone. I step out, in the living, a
fake smile plastered on my face.
"Who
was that?"
"Roger again." I nod,
pretending that Roger calling wasn't a big deal in the slightest.
"Oh."
I find my boots and sit down and put them on. "How is he?"
Collins
looks at me sideways, "He's worried about you, we all are."
"Me? I'm fine. I'm dandy. I just needed to
sleep." I keep smiling. "You ready? I'm hankering for a little miso
soup."
"Hankering?" He laughs as he reaches out and puts me in a
headlock.
I
struggle from his grip, "Yes, hankering and shut up."
The fresh air does feel nice,
and Collins is smart enough not to bring up anything significant on the drive
to the Life. He fills me in on what I
have missed since my trip out west.
"Well,
Maureen and Benny have had this on-again off-again thing going on. They fight like crazy, but then they
disappear into one of their rooms. Both
of them tell me the sex is amazing." He
laughs. "I think they are really
falling for each other."
I
shake my head smiling. Do I feel
jealous? Maureen has decided she wants
to be with a man again, and it is with Benny? Then I remember that night before I went back to Scarsdale. It was the day our loft was destroyed and
our world seemed to be coming to an end. She told me she still loved me; she offered me another chance. We kissed. It was a very truthful kiss. I
think it made us both realize that our time together had come and gone, and we
were better off as friends.
"You
know," I think out loud, "The more I think about it, the more Benny and Maureen
make sense. They both try to derive the
utmost amount of what they want, with the littlest of effort. They may be too much alike in fact."
"No
kidding, wait until you witness their fights." He laughs, as he parks the car
and we walk to the café. "It is about
fifty times worse than Joanne and Maureen."
"Great,
can't wait." We sit down and I barely
glance over the menu. The waitress
comes over with a cup of hot tea for me and fills Collins' mug with
coffee. "How is Joanne doing?"
"I
don't know actually, she called once when she got to DC and we haven't talked
since. I've been preoccupied with other
things…" His voice drops off at the end of the sentence.
"Like?"
"Like
you, and we'll talk about it when you're ready."
I smile, "Thanks. I don't know if I ever will be."
"You
will, and I'll be here for you." He
reaches across the table and squeezes my hand.
"So,
Benny and Maureen…" I shift the conversation to a safer topic. "You know, when she and I were together, I
was always a little jealous of him. I
didn't really trust either of them, if you know what I mean."
"Yeah,
just like Roger and Mimi." I look up at
the mention of his name. "Sorry, I
didn't mean…"
"It's fine, he's part of our
history, of my history. But, as far as
I'm concerned, he is history." I sip my
tea and butter a roll.
"Do
you mean that?"
"I
don't want to talk about it."
"Fine,
sorry." He takes a deep breath.
We
sit in silence for a few seconds and I allow my thoughts to leave Roger for an
instant and go to Maureen. That day in
the police station, the same day we kissed, I was ready to throw our friendship
away. I told her I was tired of her
hurting me over and over, and I wasn't going to let her anymore.
It
occurs to me how similar that conversation was to the one I had just had with
Roger.
"Why
do you think I fall in love with people who hurt me?" I ask suddenly.
"Huh?" Collins almost spits his food out. "I thought we weren't talking about him."
"We're
not, I'm talking in general. Maureen
hurt me so many fucking times. I mean,
how often did she cheat on me? And then
she dumped me for Joanne; who you know I love, but still… why did I let her do that again and again?"
"I
don't know. Perhaps because you see the
good in people? That you know that deep
down there is a wonderful, loving soul, who is just misguided. Maybe you think that you can be the one to
make them change."
"Yeah,
but isn't that just sick? I mean,
what's that saying? The definition of
insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different
result. Isn't that what I have been
doing for years with him? Uh, I mean
her?"
"Mark,
you aren't fooling me, or yourself. I know you are hurting about Roger. I just wish you would tell me what happened
in Portland."
"What
happened in Portland? Well, he finally
succeeded in convincing me that it's a bad idea. That's all."
"That's
not what he said." He looks over my
shoulder out the window.
"Who
are you looking for?"
"Oh,
uh, just someone from the Life Support Group. They said they may meet me here."
"Oh, ok." I sit in silence for a few minutes. "So what did Roger say, exactly?" I hold up
my hand, "Nope, never mind, I don't want to know."
Collins laughs at me, "Sure
you don't. He just said you guys were
fighting and you left and he thought you were going to come back, but you
didn't." I nod. "Well, you never called any of us while you
were on the road, so we were all really scared."
"Sorry,"
I shrug.
"Mark,
you can't do that you know. There are
too many people who care about you."
"Yeah,
right."
"Don't
you understand? You are the one that
keeps us all together? Without you,
this family falls apart."
"That's
bullshit."
"Is
it? Would Maureen and Benny even be talking
right now, much less on the brink of relationship if it weren't for you? I know you are the main reason I decided to
stay. And Roger… well Roger's only ties
are you and me, but you are the reason that he stayed, and the reason he left."
"Just
stop… ok? I can't deal with hearing
anymore." I yawn, the grogginess of
sleep still in my body.
"No
I won't stop, not until you see. You
said you always wanted a community of your own. Don't you see that you have
it? That you keep pushing us away?"
"I'm
not pushing anyone away."
"You are so afraid of getting hurt. You build this wall around you, and you run at the first sign of danger.
"I
do not." I look at him in the
eyes. "They keep hurting me, how many
times can I let them?"
"Until
they learn not to."
"Yeah,
well, with Roger, that could take a lifetime."
"Well,
he may not have that long."
"Yeah,
thanks for reminding me." I push my
empty mug away. "It doesn't matter, he
and I… whatever we were… it is just over."
"Are
you sure?" He looks over my shoulder
again.
"Yeah,
why?" I turn around, and see Roger
walking towards our booth. "Oh, you
have got to be kidding me."
Collins
stands up and hugs Roger. He points to
his side of the booth and offers Roger a seat. He sits, and then Collins leans over between us. "Now, the two of you, no yelling. Just talk rationally to each other, ok?"
"Well,
I was just leaving." I start to stand,
but Collins lays one of his strong hands on my shoulder.
"No,
you're not." I sit down, and he walks
away. I keep my eyes to the table, not
looking at my new companion.
"Hey,
Mark. You had us worried there." I shrug. "We didn't know where you were, and then when you locked yourself up in
your room…"
"…
I was sleeping."
"Yeah,
sure."
"I
was."
"Well,
I was worried…"
"What
are you doing here, Roger? Why did you
come back?"
"I
was worried and because I wanted to talk to you, and apologize, and… I don't know what else. So I exchanged that ticket I didn't use for
Mimi's funeral and caught the next flight."
"Ok,
then, apologize, make yourself feel better and then we can go on with our
lives."
The
waitress comes over with more hot water for me and stops and looks at
Roger. "Roger Davis! Well look at you! I love the hair."
"Thanks,
Mindy." He smiles at her. She rubs her hand through his hair, and I
feel my body tense up.
"Seriously,
you look good." I clear my throat. She turns to me, "Oh come on, he does." I roll my eyes and she walks away.
"Where
were we?"
"Well,
you were about to ask the waitress out and I was just about to leave." I stand up and throw a few dollars on the
table. I walk out of the café and cross
the street to the park. I hear Roger
calling my name, and though I know I can't run, I consider it. I stop by the basketball court and wait for
him.
"Mark,
stop running from me."
"Why?
That is what you have always done."
"Not
anymore. I'm not running,
anymore." He grabs my arm, and leads me
to a bench, I snap my arm back but follow him. We sit down. "Look, I've thought
about what you said to me in Portland, about me running away from life and
death, and happiness." He touches my
leg, and this time, I don't pull away, I just can't. "You were right. I was
afraid to be happy. I didn't think I
deserved it."
"Why
not?" I whisper, staring at the ground.
"I
don't know, because every time I'm happy, something goes wrong."
"I
know what you mean." I reply bitterly.
"No,
that's the thing. It doesn't have to be
like that. I realized that being happy
isn't easy, that it's hard work." He
touches my chin and turns my face to his, "Look at me. I was wrong to think that this would be
easy. And I was selfish to want it that
way. I'm sorry." He looks me in the eyes, but I look down and
move my face away.
"I
don't know Roger. I don't think I can
take being hurt again."
"Well,
I can't promise you that I won't. But
if you are willing to take the risk, I'm willing to bet, we can make each other
happy."
"I
don't need to be happy, I just need…" I take a deep breath, "…to be with you."
He
nods and grabs the back of my neck, bringing his face towards mine. I want to fight him off, I want to run from
him, but I can't. I let him guide me, and his lips find mine. They are just the same combination of
gentleness and strength that I remember. It is a short kiss, but the enough to stir up those butterflies
Roger
leans his forehead against mine, "I love you, Mark Cohen."
"I
love you too, Roger, always have."
A/N – Hey, so did you like
the end? Are you guys happy now? Let me know, I still love reviews! Oh, and Tiara said that I can have a
non-singing part when her musical hits Broadway if I had the boys get back
together, so I'm holding her to that.