Stars…
They hang suspended on the
darkness of space, these bodies of gases that seem like twinkling gems
to the people on the colonies. Beautiful gems that dance flirtatiously
on a clear night sky, tempting one to reach out, to touch. And of course,
to wish for one's fondest dreams.
Such is the longing of surface
dwellers. The stars embodied dreams and hopes that are out of reach for
the present but hopefully not in the future. They're vastly overrated,
these stars. At least they are in my opinion.
Once you've gone into the
vast space and seen them up close, they are little more than gas bodies
that roil about in an unending cycle of survival…until the gases run out
and they die off. They aren't as pretty as they are from a colony's surface.
Although I must admit, there are still some which amaze me. Like suns…they
still fascinate me, though there is little else that does.
Maybe its because I have
been looking at them for so long that ennui has gotten to me. Being an
Ingrid pilot does that to you. You don't really see the stars anymore when
you're concentrated on the incoming Victim and your comrades' emotions.Oh
there is something I like that I have forgotten about. I also love the
way a star dies. Odd I know. But a star's death is one of the most beautiful
sights in the known universe. The explosion of colors is enough to take
my breath away.
It is an irony of sorts.
That one should find beauty in a death. But then again, life is like that,
I guess. I am getting too cynical. At least that's what Gareas says in
any case.
/Gareas…/
My heart skips a beat at
the thought of the green-haired pilot of Eeva Leena. Roiling emotions tinge
my thoughts of him…all of them tinted with the warm colors that signify
deep affection and yes, even love.
Teela might be First, she
might be the leader of the team but Gareas would always be the one who
leads my heart. He is like the sun, my sun, shining garishly and loudly
in a universe where I and the other Ingrid pilots fight to protect Zion.
I cannot help but be drawn to him, a quiet satellite turning in revolutions
around the warmth and heat he emits.
I am too much of an empath
to not be honest with myself. I love Gareas. I hadn't meant to, never thought
I would. Our personalities are so different.
I am more of the quiet bent,
sensitive is how everyone describes me. That comes from my EX empathy.
Knowing the hurt I can inflict on people by the actions I do makes me cautious
and kinder. I can never allow anyone to get hurt. Not when I can do something
about it.
Gareas, on the other hand,
is more impulsive, more like Rioroute.
I stay in the sidelines,
preferring to lurk in the shadows, even in battle, to care for the well
being of my teammates' minds and emotions. Gareas is always on the frontline,
he almost always has to be the one to fire off the last shot, aside from
Teela.
With those kinds of differences,
I never thought I would fall for him. But Gareas' brand of humor
and charm just crept up on me. He taught me to not be so serious and drawn,
a trait acquired because of my empathic powers.
As an empath, I can read
emotions from any mind, especially with human contact. I had to shield
myself to avoid invading another person's private thoughts. Of course,
in the course of my training as a candidate for Goddess, I have been trained
to shield my own thoughts. But old habits die hard, I still drew away from
human contact.
Until Gareas. Gareas taught
me to be more open, taught me how to laugh. He treated me like a friend
would. And because he did so, the others followed. Suddenly, I changed
from being withdrawn and quiet, to something almost approaching friendly.
/So that is why…/
Yes, everything I am now
I owe to Gareas. Maybe that is how my feelings started to change. No one
aside from my family has ever…
One day I just woke up and
found myself wanting to hear his laugh and to see his expressive eyes next
to mine, to feel his soft warm lips beneath mine.
I tried to surpress it, tried
not to feel this emotion. But like any emotion, it stayed insistently,
making my heart skip a beat everytime I see Gareas smiling at me, causing
my knees to tremble every time he stands so close to me.
/But it is impossible…/
Yes, it is impossible. Because
Gareas will always see me as a teammate, nothing more. I am sure of this
because once, just once, I had been tempted to look into his emotions,
to see if he even held a shred of affection for me.
And what I saw was warmth
and friendship. He treats me like a brother would or a best friend, nothing
more.
It hurt. Of course it hurt.
Unrequited love always does but I, being the empath, have had lots of experience
with dealing with it. So I hide my love for him, even as it grows.
I content myself with the
thought that I am at his side…for as long as we are the pilots of Eeva
Leena and Luhma Klein, facing the dangers of Victims together, fighting
to protect Zion.
And in a strange way, it
is enough for me. Enough to know that I am by his side. That if I cannot
hold him in my arms or kiss him, I can at least make sure that he will
come back alive, that I can protect him.
Now more than ever I need
to protect him. Because ever since the new Candidate was able to get into
Eeva Leena, Gareas has been acting unstable, rushing into battle with nary
a thought for his safety.
And the last battle…the last
battle…oh, gods!
My hands clench of their
own accord. He almost died! Gareas almost died. I can never forgive myself
if he did.
Fear had encompassed me then,
rendering me immobile in its wake as he plunged into the seething mass
of Victims.
::"NO! Gareas turn back!
What are you doing?"::
My voice had escalated to
a panicked state just as my heart had almost stopped beating when I saw
him charge the enemy, his emotions unreadable in their confused state.
I cannot describe the relief that burst inside me, scintillating in its
vibrancy, as First came through and saved him. Nor can I describe the anger
that made me punch him in the face for not being careful enough.
I could not help it. The
fact that he would unthinkingly throw his life away without a thought to
what others, to what I would feel if he died, angered me.
When we landed on the ship,
my first impulse was to hug him and tell him that I was glad he survived.
But my mind brushed through his and the thoughts I encountered…
Confused, angry, suicidal…he
didn't care if he lived or died.
For the first time, I reacted
violently, reacted the only way I could react. I punched him.
And shocked at what I did,
I stalked out of the hangar. The emotions inside me lashing at me with
fierce intensity, crying out at the hurt dealt to me.
How can he not care for himself…how
can he think to throw his life away without a thought to what others would
feel. If he died…
If he died…
I would want to die too.
What would life, even as an Ingrid pilot, be worth if Gareas is not with
me?
/Does love have to hurt
so much?/
No, no, it doesn't have to
hurt so much. It just so happens that the one I love does not love me in
return. That is why it hurts.
/Then why do you continue
loving him?/
I laugh a little.
It is not something you can
control or choose to not feel. It is not a lamp that comes equipped with
an on and off switch, or one of those ProIngs one pilots as a Candidate.
Love is like the Ingrids.
Strange comparison I know and Gareas would laugh if he heard me say this,
but it is true.
Ingrids have souls and a
mind of their own, they choose the pilots who man them. Compatibility is
an issue. That is how love is too. It may come like a thief in the night,
like it did with me, and quite suddenly you find yourself in love with
someone. Or it can be a slow growing thing, developed through months or
years of friendship. You have a lot to learn about it.
/What will you do now?/
Like I told Tune a while
ago, I will warn Gareas of his state and hope for the best.
/She loves you./
I know she does, I can feel
it everytime she looks at me. Her thoughts reach out to me like tendrils
of warm fire, comforting me when I am weary. It would have been nice to
fall in love with her, then I would have no worries. But I didn't. Fate
deals us such twisted hands sometimes. I cannot love her back. I love Gareas.
It hurts to do this to her but what else can I do?
/So what do you intend
to do if he does not listen to you? If he insists on going out to fight?/
What can I do? We are
Ingrid pilots, sworn to protect Zion. That is what we are bound to do and
we will do it.
The words sound so casual
as they go through my mind. But the feelings accompanying it are not.
/And if he does it again?
What then?/
Fear, the encompassing paralyzing
fear I felt when Gareas plunged into the Victims comes back at the words.
Gareas will not die, he will
not. Not when I am still here.
/You cannot always be
at his side to help him./
No, I cannot but as long
as I am able to, I will help him. He is everything in my life that matters
the most. I will protect him even at the cost of my own life.
/Demo…aniki…/
I can hear the pleading in
your tone, the hurt and the almost desperate need to not be alone. And
I feel regret…but still.
::I am sorry, Erts, but
please understand me.::
I pour all the emotions I
feel into the link and I can see the vibrant colors and memories go through
his barrier.
::You are an empath just
like me little brother and I know you will understand.::
And he does. For as the memories
penetrate Erts' consciousness I can feel the concern he feels for me.
/I can understand love
as you see it, as I can feel it from the people around me. And if it pleases
you, I cannot do anything to stand in your way. Aniki…/
::Thank you..::
/I love you, aniki. Be
well./
"Luhma Klein! Where are you?"
Gareas screamed into the communicator.
"Eeva Leena, retreat. You
are in enemy territory. You will be destroyed if you don't. I can't hold
up this damn shield forever." Rioroute's voice came through.
"We cannot leave yet, Luhma
Klein is still inside."
"Eeva Leena, retreat." The
voice of Teela, the one called First, coldly and calmly interrupted.
"No, not without Luhma Klein."
Gareas said, scanning the area for any signs of the Ingrid.
"Ernest, where are you?"
I can hear Gareas frantically
calling my name. I ignore him a bit although my heart bid me respond, if
only to calm the fear I hear in his voice.I had tried to stop Gareas from
going into the mission but he had ignored me. And as I tried to stop him
the emotions I got from him was the same.
Confusion, anger, fear…suicidal
thoughts running through his head.
Gareas is going to die…unless
I did something to stop him. And that is what I am doing now. In order
to stop Gareas from plunging into his death, I would have to find the head
of the Victims along the swarming mass and kill it. Killing the leader
would disband the swarm. Then and only then could I save Gareas.
With that thought in mind,
I know that I would accomplish this task even if it meant killing myself
in the process.
"Luhma Klein, where are you?"
I know Gareas is confused
with my actions as I boost ahead of him and plunge into the teeming miasma
of Victims before he could even blink. It is not my way after all
to go into the frontlines. I have always served as back-up.
But today it is different,
I cannot allow him to kill himself. Not when I could do something to stop
it.
Now where is that Victim?
Aa! I see it.
"ERNEST!??"
"Eeva Leena, I am here. I
have the Victim leader."
I move Luhma Klein to where
the leader of the Victims is and hang unto it for dear life, trying to
kill it. But the Victim is strong and in an instant it has me in its jaws.
It is strong. Far stronger
than I can ever imagine and it is shaking Luhma Klein around like a very
annoying fly it has in its jaws. I can hear the metal Ingrid creaking as
the Victim clamps down. Somehow I know that I am staring into my own death,
that in a matter of minutes I would cease to exist. But it does not strike
me with fear. The only feeling in my heart at the moment is the overriding
need to kill this abomination before Gareas and the others suffer my fate.
I cannot kill it though as
it breaks through conduits and circuits, rendering me immobile. I need
help.
"Ernest? Where are you?"
Aa, perfect timing. "Gareas!
I am here. You need to fire on the Victim leader so that the others will
disband."
I can sense the exact time
Gareas realizes where I am because a sudden surge of horror courses through
him.
"Luhna Klein! Hang on, I
will save you."
How sweet it sounds coming
from Gareas. But I steel against it as I say sharply: "There is no time.
Kill the Victim leader. I will be fine."
Even now the Victim is slowly
getting through to where I am, the air is running out inside my Ingrid
and the uncomfortable pressure of space is pressing down on me. But that
is not my concern. My concern is that Eeva Leena is trying to get through
to where I am. And I cannot have that or my sacrifice would be for naught.
With my reserve energy, I
reach out with my thoughts.
::Stop it Gareas.::
/Why did you do it, Ernest?
Why? You normally don't do things like this./
Because I love you. Because
I cannot bear to see you try to kill yourself.
But even now, so close to
death, I cannot say it. I want to, very very much. But I can't. If I say
it now, Gareas will think that I did all this for him, which is the truth…but
he will feel guilty and for the life of me I cannot have him feel guilty
about anything so I cover it all up with false cheerfulness.
::You've always been after
me to do something spontaneous.::
/Baka, Ernest! Not this
kind. Now hold on, I'll save you./
Bad idea.
::NO! Stop right there,
Gareas. Just fire the damn gun and get it over with.::
/But…/
Whoosh!
I hear one of the major conduits
rupture and I know that the hole in Luhma Klein has gotten worse. The pressure
inside the Ingrid is intolerable now and I can barely breath, my body being
crushed by the pressure.
As I feel myself die, a thousand
thoughts flash in my head at the same time. Silly little wishes that filter
through my consciousness. Wishes like I wish I could have told Gareas that
I loved him, or that Gareas could love me in return…I wish that I had more
time too to be with him. I kind of envisioned growing old with him in my
head…but that is all they are…wishes inside my head.
The panel before me blackens
and I know I only have time for a few more words before…
::Hey Gareas. I want you
to promise me something alright? Don't go over the edge again and don't
ever be as stupid as to try and kill yourself.::
I love you Gareas, be well.
/NO, Ernest, I…/
I know Eeva Leena is trying
to get to me…
::Don't be an idiot!::
I cannot die yet. Not before
I know that Gareas will be safe. I cling, tenaciously, to the thin thread
of life left in me, struggling not to let go, not to slip into the infinite
blackness that is enticing my tired, pain-wracked body to rest.
Death is beckoning, promising
blessed relief from the pain but there is one thing I need to see to before
I take his hand.
"Eeva Leena, you will retreat
now."
Aa, First. As always she
can carry out the job. She always has and always will.
/Rest, Ernest. I will
look after him now./
::Thank you, Teela.::
And with this assurance,
I loose my hold on consciousness, freefalling into the blackness.
/I love you, Gareas. Be
well./
Interlude:
In the GOA ship for Candidates,
the blond Candidate, number 5 by designation, falls down in the middle
of a fencing fight with Candidate no. 88, in the throes of anguish.
/Aniki…/
The death of the Ingrid pilot
of Luhma Klein had echoed out in space and reached the brother in GOA.
::Take care of Gareas.::
/Aniki…/
Erts tried to catch the last
fleeting thoughts of his brother but it was too late. The boy known as
Ernest had fled from the mortal world.
He could not, would not cry.
Not for a brother who became contented in death.
But it hurt so much…to lose
his only brother.
/Is this what love does?/
TBC ^_~
Okie dokie, comments onegai?
Or is there just too little MK fans at the moment? ^^ This is going to
turn out as one weird pairing I know but I can really see it happening.^^
