"Eeva Leena, he is gone now."
I whisper eventhough I know she will not respond. After that candidate
got into her she has been acting moodily ever since.
But that is not what is weighing
on my mind right now. Ernest is gone and that is all that matters.
After running away from Ernest's
final send-off I immediately climbed into Eeva Leena and went off into
space, finding this spot a little away from base to sort out what I am
feeling.
So here I am with my confused
thoughts, no closer to resolving my fucked up inner self.
::Gareas.::
I startle. The mind-voice
is familiar. It is the same warm glow that has always been in the back
of my head after that fateful night so long ago when I had been a candidate.
It is Ernest.
/Ernest? Ernest?/
I thought out in happy relief. /You are alive ne?/ The clawing feeling
at my insides and the hollow ache vanishes at the sound of that thought-voice.
::Iie. I am sorry Garu
but I am not. This is only a residue of my essence that I have asked the
Ingrids to keep until such a time that you need me again.::
My spirits sink and the bone-deep
ache resumes as does the clawing inside my belly. /I hate you Ernest./
::Aa, Gareas, I understand.::
/DON'T presume to understand
anything. Don't presume to understand me. You don't understand anything./
::Then tell me what you
are feeling so I can understand.::
/I hate you for dying,
for leaving me alone and making me feel these things that I haven't felt
before./
::What feelings?::
/This painful clawing
that never seems to stop and this bone-deep ache inside myself. This is
not something I have felt before and it only started when you did that
reckless suicidal thing./
::A…aa, well what can
I do to make it better then?::
Tears gather at my eyes.
What *do* I want him to do? What would make me feel better?
Only one thing comes to mind.
/Come back, alive and breathing./
::I am sorry Garu but
that is beyond my power to give.::
In the logical part of my
mind I know that but my confused thoughts do not concur. /Then leave
me./
I can almost see the mental
shake of Ernest's head at my curt words.
::It would be easier to
stop a dying star from going supernova than to tell me to leave when you
are so distressed. Talk to me.::
/Talk about what? There
is nothing to talk about./
::Talk about what is bothering
you so I can help you.::
/Help? IF you cannot come
back alive then you cannot help me. Go away./
::Gareas.::
/I can outwait you, Ernest
Cuore. I can outwait you until your essence disperses totally from this
universe./
::Yes, yes you can. But
you won't.::
/Won't I?/ I challenge,
my stubbornness coming to the fore again.
::Gareas, please. I do
not have much time left.::
Silence reigns as I refuse
to answer Ernest's thought-voice. I do not want to talk to him. If he cannot
give me what I want then I do not have any business with him at all.But
what is it that I truly want?
I do not know. I only know
that the only thing that will assuage this wracking pain and hollow ache
inside my breast is to see Ernest alive and breathing, to feel his warm
presence in my mind again.
It is ironic to be so dependent
on Ernest when it is always I who bluster on about protecting him. Everyone
tells me that I am so protective of him but they understand why. My best
friend is too gentle, too soft-spoken. Coupled with his slender form and
almost female grace, it isn't hard to imagine that he could be blown over
by a mere gust of wind.
We were inseparable.
I miss him. Only three days
and I miss him.
Maybe, maybe that is what
I want. Maybe that is the reason why I am having these feelings inside
of me.
More than if it had been
Rioroute, Teela and the others, and yes, even more than Leena…
Aa, that is why.
::As I miss you.::
/Stop that, you, you thought
pirate!/ I burst out, calling him the name I used to call him when
we had been candidates. I hate it when he deliberately reads my thoughts.
A bubble of laughter bursts
out in scintillating brilliance inside my mind as Ernest fires back.
/Well, then don't think so clearly Gareas!/
I laugh back, the ache disappearing
as my thoughts fly back to the many times we had this conversation. Ernest
always has this predilection to read other people's minds and replying
in kind. Telepathy didn't help Ernest's reputation any, in fact,
its what made the others shy away from him. That's why I always admonish
him to speak rather than think back.
::Now that is more like
you, Gareas.::
/Aa, you always know how
to cheer me up./
::Unfortunately, I can't
help it.:: Ernest's mind-thought is a bit dramatic. ::After all
the torturous years of being your best friend I know all the muck there
is to know about Gareas Elidd, much to my eternal shame.::
/Ernest no Ba-ka!/
I grin. Ernest could push all the buttons he likes but I know him well
enough to know he was only kidding and he does it only to amuse me.
He is succeeding. Saa, I
miss these times, his smiles, the banter and the warm presence in my mind.
I have grown used to it so much.
Sou ka. Now I know why I
feel this way. I want Ernest to stay by my side for as long as I could
have him. He is my tower of strength.
::But you are strong,
Gareas, you can go it on your own. Remember who was the top candidate?::
/Idiot. That's not the
kind of strength I was talking about and you know it./
::Aa, but still, your
strength is enough so that even there you can do it alone. As long as you
believe…::
My eyes widen slightly. I
can't believe Ernest went for the hokey drama. ::Oh shut up Gareas I
was about to say as long as you believe and stop running on the suicidal
shit you seem to be on. If you do I will personally kill you when you die.::
I laugh again. Now that was
the Ernest I knew.
::You aren't painting
a very good picture of me, Gareas. If I had a physical body, I'd whack
you right now.::
/Well sue me. After that
particular scene, my picture of you will forever be tarnished and you can't
do anything about it./ I say bitterly, his words making me remember
why we are in this predicament in the first place.
/What made you do it,
Ernest? What made you sacrifice your life? It should have been me. And
don't give me that fucking spontaneous shit either because I won't buy
it./
Ernest, when he replies,
replies in a quiet tone of voice. ::Aa, Gareas, some of our actions
need not be explained at all.::
/You owe me an explanation,
Ernest. As your best friend, you owe me this much./ My thought is a
bit tense, my throat tight at the concept that he would hide his intentions
from me. Me, his best friend.
::If I tell you,::
He says in a somber tone, ::do you promise to go into battle carefully
from now on? Will you promise that you will not gamble with your life so
carelessly? They need you to protect Zion, Gareas.::
It is just like Ernest to
think of others before himself. And I cannot help the warm feeling that
lodges itself in my heart at the knowledge that he still cares.
/Daijobu, Ernest. At the
moment, it is the farthest thing from my mind./
It is an easy promise to
keep. After seeing Ernest die, the odd destructive feeling in me had been
shaken out of my system.
::Promise!:: He said
insistently.
/Alright, alright. I promise./
::Sugoi.:: The thought,
breathed in total relief, takes me aback a pace or two.
/Now tell me./
::Les coeur, c'est tout.::
/And what does that mean?/
I demand from Ernest a little irritation in my voice. Ernest has this weird
way of saying things in obscure languages that I cannot fathom.
::I'll tell you what it
means but first let's take Eeva Leena for a spin ne? I miss Luhma Klein.::
I sigh. /You're hopeless
Ernest but I'll hold you to that promise./ I rev up Eeva Leena again
and blast off into space, hurtling across the darkness, swerving to avoid
small asteroids and the like, executing impossible turns that I know Ernest
loved.
I know this maybe the last
time I would ever "feel" his presence with me again and I want the moment
to last. For some unthinkable reason, I want to say something, something
unnamed but is residing at the back of my head. And I am afraid of letting
it out.
::I love this. It is like
dancing. One last dance...::
Ernest's cry distracts me
from my musings as I remember the first time Ernest said the very same
thing…
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"It's like dancing." Ernest
laughingly cries out.
And I stare in stupefied
surprise. It is a good thing that the comm link isn't up or he would
probably have laughed at the stupid expression on my face, even more than
he is already.
I cannot help it. It is the
first time I have ever heard such unbridled joy in his voice, the first
time he ever let go of his emotions.
It sounds like the tinkle
I hear in weddings…the sound made by steel spoons and forks gently making
contact with those long-stemmed glasses…an insistent plea for the newly
wed couple to kiss. That is what his laughter sounds like.
I find that I quite like
it.
I open the comm link and
just watch as Ernest's image comes up. The laughter is still very evident,
as is the shining brilliance in those eyes of his, those clear, shining
blue eyes that seem so open and yet cover so many secrets.
Even I can't hold back my
excitement as I watch his animated face. This is space after all
and the first time we are allowed to take the ProIngs out for real.
"Hai hai!" I say enthusiastically.
"Its beautiful out here isn't it? But you do realize," I say, a teasing
tone entering my voice, "that this is just the same thing we do on the
simulator? And I recall a certain someone say how boring it was."
"But this is so different.
This is REAL. Real space, real stars, real everything."
Laughter again.
His face changes from that
of the reserved quiet "Ice King" everyone has tagged him with to this warm,
approachable human being. Amazing how a few minutes out in real space can
make him throw away his inhibitions as opposed to the hours I spent doing
undignified things just to get him to smile.
I can just cringe at the
things I have done…the juggling, the dress-up, oh gods! "I should
just have brought you out here ages ago." I mutter, almost to myself.
He stops staring animatedly
at the sights around him and looks straight at me with a smile. "Aa, well
I wasn't the one who wanted you to do those things ne?"
I stare pointedly at him.
And he laughs. He read my mind again. I hate it when he does that.
"Then stop thinking so loudly,
Gareas." Ernest says playfully.
I wonder just how long he
has been at it.
" Oh not long. Just at the
point where you started to recall all those embarrassingly goofy things
you've done."
"Aaaargh! Stop reading my
mind, you you…thought pirate! I told you time and time again to talk normally!"
He bursts out in renewed
laughter. And I scowl even deeper. Ordinarily I love making him laugh,
he doesn't laugh often after all, but laughing at my expense isn't something
I would find funny.
"I can't help it, you think
funny."
"Stop it." I tell him not
a little bit annoyed.
"Saa, alright. You're such
a spoilsport today Gareas." And with that, Ernest takes off in the ProIng,
reving up the boosters to take him further away into space. At the same
time, he closes the comm link.
Me? A spoilsport? I sputter
indignantly. Mr. Stick-shoved-up-his-ass Ice King just called me a spoilsport.
Ernest actually called me a spoilsport.
I am outraged. He's always
the one who puts a damper on things, the one who always looks so withdrawn
and aloof. That's why the other Candidates tagged him with the nickname
"Ice King". And *I* am a spoilsport?
"Oh a spoilsport am I?" I
growl. "We'll just see about that."
"You'll have to catch me
first!"
I rev up the ProIng and take
off after him in a burst of sound and speed, catching up to his ProIng
with an effort. As I draw alongside him, his ProIng twists aside out of
my reach and I can almost hear the teasing laughter from the ProIng.
Almost against my will, a
smile comes up to my lips. I can never stay angry for long. I might be
quick to rile but quicker still to be pacified. And this is Ernest we are
talking about. The person I have designated as best friend since the time
he helped me overcome my loneliness.
Ernest's ProIng weaves among
the others and I follow behind, twisting and turning every which way to
catch my errant friend. Over, under and sideways I manipulate the ProIng,
sometimes coming in so close to Ernest that I can almost reach out and
catch his ProIng, almost. Then he would pull away again and the chase would
begin anew.
The blood rushes into my
veins as I give chase. It is something primal, something so very close
to my most innermost instincts, this game of cat and mouse. It occupies
me so much that I barely see that we have left the protection of our class
and have instead, gone out where there is nothing else but the space and
stars.
This is where I finally catch
him. In a shrewd calculating move that I hide from his thoughts, I close
the boosters from my craft and fall back, not moving at all. I know Ernest
so well that I am 100% sure of what he will do.
Ernest, for all the bluster
of being the aloof individual that he is, cares too much. He cares too
much about other people. It isn't very evident to a mere acquaintance,
had not even been clear to me at first. But when I heard Ernest's voice
inside my head when the instructors isolated me I started to understand
piece by piece just who Ernest Cuore was.
And that understanding is
helping me predict his moves now.
1…
2…
3…
He turns back as soon as
he realizes I have not given chase, waiting for awhile for the lights on
my ProIng to go back on.
Bingo!
I do not mind him at all,
concentrating my energy on blocking my thoughts from him because I know
that that would be the first thing he tries. And I am right as I feel a
slight tendril of questing thought brush against my consciousness.
I must have been very good
at blocking because after that, Ernest's ProIng starts to move towards
me. That is when I pounce, flicking open my ProIng's system and making
a dive at his.
"Spoilsport am I?" I whack
his ProIng soundly on the head smugly as I open my commlink.
"Yare yare." Laughing sapphire
eyes greet me beneath the fall of golden bangs. Then his eyes turn pensive.
"See, it was just like dancing."
"Hn." I say noncommittally.
"Well it is." He protests.
"I mean look at the graceful twists and turns, the weaving around. Doesn't
it resemble a dance?"
"If you say so." I shrug.
A wrong move on my part I
must say because Ernest's face changes drastically. The shuttered expression
all the Candidates knew so well coming down once again.
"Boor."
"Hey, I am what I am. I'm
not you Ernest."
"More's the pity."
It is the only word he says
before he turns back towards the others.
And I laugh at that comment.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
After having gone a bit away
from base, I stop Eeva Leena and lean back with satisfaction. All throughout
the ride I had refrained from talking at all. We both preferred to appreciate
the silence of complicated flying.
Now that we are just floating
however, it is another matter altogether and I open my thoughts once again.
/Speaking of dancing,
Ernest, remember the time you called me a boor?/ I tell him, ready
to tease him.
Silence meets my comment.
/Oi, You won't get away from remembering that by staying silent you
know./ I tell him, laughter evident in my voice.
Still, silence greets me.
/Ernest?/ I feel around my head and find that the warm presence
I have always associated with Ernest…
…is gone.
No! We aren't through talking
yet. Ernest hasn't even told me what he meant. I haven't told him how important
he is to me either or that I...that I…I dash away the tears and violently
open up Eeva Leena's engine, flying up into space again with blinding intensity,
weaving through the warp and weft of the asteroid belt like thread on the
loom. And eventhough I may seem like a careening madman, I am not. I take
care not to endanger myself…because I promised Ernest I wouldn't be…
/Ernest.../
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In the cockpit of Reneighd-Klein,
the newest addition to the Ingrid pilots falls back with a lack of grace
in apparent exhaustion.
::It is done. He is as
stable as he ever will be.::
/Thank you, little brother…/
::Aniki…just then…you
do realize that he…::
/Aa, Erts. I did./
The thought is shining and content as it reverberated through Erts' head.
::And that makes it all
worth it?::
/I would do everything
all over again for this one moment./
::I do not understand.::
/Someday, little brother,
you will. Until then, fare you well./
Erts stared unseeing inside
the cockpit for a time, rocking himself in comfort, tears leaking out as
the essence of Ernest Cuore, his brother, faded from his mind.
Alone, he could feel the
coldness deep in his bones. Bone deep weariness replacing the warmth of
a caring brother who had always been with him all through his life.
"Les coeur, c'est tout."
Erts whispered, tasting the words in his mouth as they fell from his lips.
/The heart is all./
It tasted foreign yet strangely
familiar to Erts as he sought to hold back the pain that threatened to
overcome his being.
/Can love really be the
worth all the pain and the death that it brought?/
~OWARI~
Okie dokie I don't know
if I slaughtered the French language or not. I just loved that phrase ^^
I just dug up some of the
facts of their past and improvised. I hope it turned out alright though.
Continued in a 3rd installment
in the Juxtaposition Arc ^-^v I'm putting in Erts which is just so obvious.
*lol*