Hi all you brilliant people reading this! This is my very first fan-fic, and I think I should say that the inspiration for this came from Hermione19, author of 'night of the living Britney filks!' which is just too funny (so everyone go and read it when you've finished mine!)
It took me a while to actually get up the courage to put this on the net, so please everyone read it, and pleasepleasePLEASE review it! (I'm aware that it gets a little zany at times - Better bare with me on that one!)
The action and description in this story are written in brackets, but all the conversation is written in script form. The story is set in Harry's fourth year, even though I know that technically this isn't possible if I'm making reference to the Britney Spears day, because according to Hermione19's fic that happened in the summer of the fourth year, and I'm setting this in October, when they'd all be into a new year….Well, hey, I can bend a few rules here and there, can't I? If it's really central to the plot? Oh well! Here it goes!! :-D
(Harry was sitting on a bench in the Gryffindor team's changing room. He was waiting for the start of another dawn Quidditch practice, but as it was only 4a.m he was the first member of the team to arrive. It wasn't only a passion for Quidditch that had got him out of bed at such an unearthly hour. He had been having a very strange dream…
His sleep had been calm, and peaceful, until a cold malevolent voice had suddenly begun to resonate through his slumbers. He frowned, and went over its words again in his head.
' Beware, Harry Potter!' It had hissed. 'Be on your guard. I give you a warning. Beware of something strange this Hallowe'en. Be careful. Sweet dreams, now, Harry Potter!' The cruel laughter echoed through his memory, and he shivered slightly.
Harry had come to the conclusion that it wasn't a voice he knew. Certainly, those weren't the high-pitched, icy tones of Lord Voldemort. Perhaps they belonged to one of his henchmen, a Death-eater? He mused tiredly on something Ron had once said to him:
' Hearing voices no-one else can hear is a bad sign, even in the wizarding world.'
Harry scowled. Surely this didn't apply to dreams? That was all it had been, after all. A dream. He sighed. This was stupid…
All the same he remembered what Dumbledore had said the previous day about the Halloween celebrations. There was to be a feast in the evening, and, following the success of the 'Britney Spears day', and because Dumbedore was keen to advance his students' knowledge of muggle culture, there was to be a special 'Muggle music' day.
Anyone who sang a muggle song would receive ten points for their house. Harry smiled to himself, remembering the events of the Britney day. Hermione had got into it in a big way, and even he had been forced to sing a song or two. Still, he grinned at the memory, perhaps it would be better if Hermione left her hair alone this time. Just as Harry was enjoying a pleasant image of Cho with flowing blonde locks, the door of the dimly-lit changing room burst open, and Colin Creevy bounded in, clutching his ever-present camera.)
Colin: Ooh! Hi Harry! Are you waiting for a Quidditch practice? Are you the first person here? Can I have a picture please?
(Colin began to flash his camera excitedly, and Harry groaned quietly.)
Harry: (frowning slightly) You know, Colin, it's still only four in the morning! You don't need to be out of bed for another three hours, yet! I really think you should-
(Harry was cut off mid-sentence as the music for 'Genie in a bottle' began to seep eerily into the changing room, as if from nowhere…Colin, whose eyes had glazed over, jumped up on the bench beside Harry with a cat-like spring, and began to sing.)
Colin: You know that I've been waiting here for my daily fix of Harry-ness,
Waiting for him to-oo get out of bed, yeah-eh.
I'm clicking some pics and saying 'Harry, this way!,'
But he's annoyed so he'll just turn away,
And zoom off on his fire-bolt (fire-bolt)
Wooh-oo-oo-oo-oo, so Harry's saying 'Must go!'
Wooh-oo-oo-yeah, eh-eh-eh,
But my camera's saying 'No! No!'
If you want to get away, Harry there's a price to pay!
I'm a psycho with a camera - you'd better not leave right away!
If you just want to escape then I really pity you, oh
'cos I'm really so damn crazy, you don't know what I could do!
(Harry was staring, jaw hanging open, at Colin, who was now parading up and down the bench, and appeared to be making up the words as the song went along. Harry was dreading any of his teammates seeing this…he would do almost anything to avoid reminding everyone of Colin's worship of him, and this could also prove extremely embarassing for Colin himself.He had to try and stop him…)
Harry: Umm, Colin, that's a great song, but aren't you meant to keep to the original words? And, Colin, you really shouldn't be…
(Harry was interrupted again as Colin restarted his 'unique' song…)
Colin: I'm a psycho with a camera, Harry,
And you know you shouldn't find it funny!
I'm a psycho with a camera, Harry -
Harry: (getting cross) Colin, come on! Get down and cut it out!
(As the music faded away, Colin looked around him, confused, and jumped down from the bench at once.)
Colin: (brightly) Hi Harry! (Then, looking bemused) Hey, where are we??
Harry: (slightly shell-shocked) Colin, look! You're in the changing rooms. I've got no idea what you're doing here, but you just got the first ten points for Gryffindor! Even if you did, um, 'adapt' the song slightly…
(Harry trailed off, remembering the 'psycho' reference. Was Colin quite all there, he wondered, or was he maybe just tired?)
Harry: (firmly) I think you should go back to bed now Colin…
Colin: (sleepily) Yeah! Good idea Harry! I feel really tired suddenly!
(Harry half shoved the unfortunate Colin through the door just as the Weasley twins elbowed their way in, clutching their broomsticks, and yawning. The rest of the team arrived shortly afterwards, and, although the practice went fairly well, Harry couldn't help but feel slightly pre-occupied by the thought of Colin Creevy's bizarre song. Had he actually known what he was doing at all? Harry put it out of his mind as the practice drew to a close, and, after locking his fire-bolt safely back in his trunk, he changed swiftly out of his Quidditch robes, and ran down to the Great Hall to join Ron and Hermione in breakfast.)
* * *
Ron: (through a mouthful of toast) Tho, (swallowing) ehem, sorry! So, what are we going to do today?
Harry: Well, I was thinking, since we've got the whole day off, we could always go to Hogsmeade and (in a whisper) visit 'Snuffles...'
Hermione: Harry, I really think you and Ron should spend some time studying today! I mean, Professor Binns is giving us a really huge History of magic test on Wednesday, to make up for that missed lesson. If you want to do well in it then I think you ought to join me in some revision!
Ron: (spitting a squirt of pumpkin juice over his eggs, and glaring, open mouthed)
Hermione! What are you talking about? You're always studying! Just quit it for one afternoon and visit Sirius with us. Making sure he's still alive is a bit more important than some test, you know!
(Harry could see a bitter argument arising from this, so he quickly tried to intervene)
Harry: Hermione, um, do you think maybe you could give the books a rest just for the morning? Sirius would like to see you, and we can always go to the library tomorrow…
(Ron gave Harry a revolted look which plainly said 'over my dead body!' and unfortunately, Hermione saw it.)
Hermione: Ron! When are you ever going to start seeing study in a responsible way?!
There are more important things in life than Quidditch and food, you know!
Ron: (flushing, and scowling at Hermione) Oh yeah? Well you go completely to the other extreme! Work, work, work, that's you Hermione! Why can't you allow us a minute of peace?!
(Harry put his face in his hands. Hermione was looking very hurt, and Ron was slumped and seething on the other side of him. As he tried to gauge exactly how upset Hermione was, and pondered what could be done to fix things, he saw that Hermione's expression was changing. Her eyes were glassy, and her mouth was slightly open. The music for ' Look at me!' started up, and Harry recognised where he had seen this face before, a moment too late. Hermione stood up, stepped daintily up onto a small space on the Gryffindors' packed breakfast table, and cleared her throat.
She was going to sing…Harry's eyes widened with horror, and he shouted quickly to Ron, who was looking at Hermione as though she'd gone completely mad, as were several others at that table.)
Harry: Quick! Grab a sleeve! We have to stop her!
(Ron looked thoroughly alarmed, and, swiping at the hem of Hermione's robes, demanded,)
Ron: Harry! What on earth's she doing?? Is this something to do with what I said?!
Harry: No! No time to explain now! We have to make her stop! She doesn't seem to realise what she's doing…we have to -
(Hermione began shimmying her way along the table, and every eye in the Hall turned on her, including those of the teachers, most of whom were blinking in astonishment. Ron cringed. Hermione began to sing, to the tune of 'Look at me!')
Hermione: Good looking, work slaving, well mannered, when I'm behaving!
Award taking, Potion making, Super-brainy witch-in-training!
(There was laughter at this from many of Hermione's spectators, who knew all this to be true, but hoots of derision came from the Slytherin table. Malfoy was looking as though all his birthdays had come at once…Harry and Ron were sinking into their chairs, purple-hued with embarrassment, and had long since given up trying to stop Hermione. She continued, posing her way over various plates and golden goblets.)
Hermione: (singing) Elf-loving, fast moving, I want it, books have it!
Krum baiting, Snape hating, Super brainy witch-in-training!
(Most of the Gryffindor table were on their knees now, howling with mirth at Hermione's slinking and 'singing'…
Hermione herself appeared to be oblivious, and continued, striking a tragic 'hand on heart' pose…)
Hermione: Sometimes, when life has dealt youuuuuuu a bad hand,
Your friends cannot help, though they want to,
You've tried it all, and nooooothing will do…..
Ron: (looking sickened) To think all this could have been avoided if only I'd agreed to go to the -
Huh! LIB-RARY! (Roared Hermione, with a Kong-fu kick that missed Fred Weasley's ear by inches)
Hermione: (continued) -There the answers lie and there you will-llllll find me!
Maybe next time take advice and go-ooooooo study!
(Whatever enchantment Hermione had been under seemed to be wearing off. She halted her song, and looking round at the students, who were all in such a state of collapse that some of them were crying with laughter, Flushed scarlet, Ron seized his chance, grabbing her wrist and pulling her off the table, amid a clatter of plates.)
Hermione: (whispered) What's happening?
Ron: (with an astonished glance at Harry) Come on, Hermione! Let's get you out of here!
(Harry and Ron frog-marched the dazed Hermione straight out of the Great Hall, (while the rest of the students were temporarily distracted by the arrival of the post owls), and through the portrait hole to the deserted Gryffindor common room. Hermione, who was now looking uncharacteristically blank, sank down into a chair.Ron was looking completely at sea...)
Ron: (hoarsely) Hermione, you don't look so good…Maybe you should go and see Madam Pomfrey or something…
Harry: No! Ron, trust me, she'll be O.K in a minute. Look, I think it's about time I told you both what's going on here…
Ron: Ah-ha! Come on Harry, Spill! What do you know about this?
(Harry glanced at Hermione, hesitating, and judged her back to normal when she snapped at him-)
Hermione: Come on then Harry - spit it out! I've got a lot of work to get back to!
(Rallied by Hermine's apparent reversion to normality, Harry explained his dream, and what had happened after it with Colin. He then found himself stuck with the unenviable task of relating the story of the events over breakfast to Hermione, who claimed to have forgotten everything. A few minutes later, when Hermione's shock had been assuaged slightly, and her rueful exclamations had almost subsided, the trio found themselves undecided on the best course of action.)
Ron: (looking more than slightly wary) Harry, this is serious! That dream was sent to warn you of something! What are we going to do?!
Hermione: (cutting in) Well, actually, although I would ordinarily take a matter such as this straight to professor Dumbledore, I do believe that strange disembodied voices might be more Sirius' area of expertise….
(Harry grinned, relieved that he now had a legitimate reason for visiting his Godfather.)
Harry: So, that's agreed then? We'll go and visit Sirius?
Ron: Yes! And let's not waste any time! This needs to be sorted out!
Hermione: O.K! O.K! Keep your hair on!
(Harry stifled a laugh. Talk about role reversal! Almost as though he had read Harry's mind, Ron immediately returned to his normal persona. Which was a relief.)
Ron: Still, bad though it obviously is for you, Hermione, (Ron snorted and gulped with half-supressed laughter), you have to admit, it was pretty funny when you got to that bit about 'Snape hating!'
Hermione: NOOOOOOO! I criticised a teacher! Oh, I feel so awful!
Ron: (chuckling appreciatively) that isn't all you did!
Harry: (feeling slightly sorry for Hermione, but very amused by the thought of her song) Still, Snape! He looked as though he'd seen a ghost!
Ron: (making a ghoulish face) he probably had! The ghost of the real Hermione Granger!
(Hermione looked utterly disgusted, and interrupted, sounding injured) Look! Could you please stop going on about this? I feel bad enough without you two reminding me constantly! It's all so frustrating! I have no real memory of actually doing it…
(Hermione looked both puzzled and cross)
Harry: Well, this is why we have to go and see Sirius!
(The three marched down the stairs from the common room, and wandered through the strings of laughing students, none of whom appeared to have missed Hermione's mortifying display….They walked on, heads held high. Straight into Professor Snape.
Snape twisted his lips into an unpleasant attempt at a smile. Harry's heart dropped to somewhere near his shoes…)
Snape: Ahhh! Who have we here? Miss Granger! Just the girl I wanted to see! I believe I need to remind you of some rules!
(Hermione whimpered, and moved behind Ron, who was desperately trying not to crack into gleeful laughter at the sight of a teacher telling Hermione about rules…)
Snape: (continuing) I presume you are aware, Miss Granger, that it is against Hogwarts' rules to-
(Snape stopped short. A light, dream-like quality had settled over his face, and he appeared to be straining his ears to a distant melody. Harry, Ron and Hermione exchanged terrified looks. If this was what it looked like…
Well this time they'd be quicker!
Hermione darted forwards, clamping her hand firmly over the mouth of a squirming Snape. He immediately began to struggle. Though the corridor was extremely busy, and they were half inside Snape's office, Ron was concerned that someone would soon notice them.)
Ron: (Shoving Harry, Hermione and a protesting Snape through the open door into his office) Get in here! You try to shut him up, Hermione! We can't have him drawing any attention! Great, keep it up! We're O.K at the moment, and if you can just keep -
Ron was cut off in mid-sentence. Snape had finally wrestled himself free from a desperate Hermione, and Harry, in a vain attempt to recapture him, was grabbing and swiping at Snape's shoe. Snape turned, gave a violent kick, and sent Harry sprawling over, clutching his head, and groaning. As Hermione also gave up, sinking to the floor in exhaustion, Snape leapt to his feet, eyes glistening, and the office was filled with music. If you could call Britney Spears music….)
(O.K, sorry!, sorry...I know I'm kind of infringing on your territory here, Hermione19, but you (as far as I know!) haven't written a 'Baby one more time' filk, and I just couldn't resist it!)
Snape: (to the 'tune' of 'Baby one more time.')
Harry, it's Snapie; I think you can safely know, that something isn't right here!
Miss Granger and I, have both been attacked, like so,
And made to sing these 'things!' yeah!
Tell me, what's it going to be?
You'd better help me, better do it quickly, oh because…
My evil-ness is quite scary,
And I-I, I'll punish you if you're too dopey, (too dopey)
Potter if you get it wrong this time,
Pleasure will be mi-i-i-ine!
I'll expel you in no time!
(Harry thought this was a staggeringly harsh thing to say to someone you were asking for help, but made no comment. He was far too stuck into Snape's song…)
Snape: (still singing) Know one thing Harry,
Know what I will do to you,
If you don't stop this nightmare.
Drop my truth potion, in your nighttime pumpkin juice,
- I'll have you lay your soul bare!
So now you see, you should be good to me,
'cos like Voldey, I'm not a good enemy,
Oh, because…
Nastiness is my cup of tea (N.B. Author's note: That's British for something you like doing)
a-and torturing you would give me much glee! (Give me glee!)
Stop this fiend Potter or you will find
I won't be ki-i-i-ind!
Who knows what I've got in mind?!
(Hermione, seeing her chance, came to her senses first, and sprang over to Snape once more, shutting off the terrible sound with a second well-placed fist. As suddenly as it had come, the enchantment left Snape, and he seemed to wake, a though from a day-dream. (Or a nightmare, thought Harry, shuddering.) Snape tore himself free, and wrenched Hermione's hand from his face.)
Snape: What is this?! I demand to know what is going on!
(Hermione stuttered, and Harry and Ron found themselves fighting an inappropriate urge to grin widely.)
Snape: (growing enraged) Very well! If no one is able to explain to me, I shall have to judge by what I know! Detention, Miss Granger!
Ron: (looking shocked) You can't give Hermione a detention! (He turned to Harry, looking suspicious) Harry, you don't think he's been possessed or something do you?!
Harry: (shrugging) After that, I'd believe almost anything!
(Ron pulled out his wand, and jabbed it fiercely at Snape's chest.)
Snape: (almost apoplectic with rage) Weasley! What the hell do you think you're doing?!
Ron: (glaring at Snape, and whipping the wand about dangerously near to his left nostril) Who are you, and what have you done with the REAL Snape?!
Snape: (screaming) Detention Weasley! And fifty points from Gryffindor for your cheek!
Harry: (ironically) Oh yeah. That's the real Snape, O.K!
Hermione: (finding her voice at last) *Professor* Snape, Harry!
Ron: (muttering darkly) Let's get out of here…
(So they continued on their journey to Hogsmeade, taking the ordinary path out of Hogwarts.)
* * *
Story continues in part 2, due to uploading problems! I think it gets better in part 2....Not that I'm plugging it or anything...
It took me a while to actually get up the courage to put this on the net, so please everyone read it, and pleasepleasePLEASE review it! (I'm aware that it gets a little zany at times - Better bare with me on that one!)
The action and description in this story are written in brackets, but all the conversation is written in script form. The story is set in Harry's fourth year, even though I know that technically this isn't possible if I'm making reference to the Britney Spears day, because according to Hermione19's fic that happened in the summer of the fourth year, and I'm setting this in October, when they'd all be into a new year….Well, hey, I can bend a few rules here and there, can't I? If it's really central to the plot? Oh well! Here it goes!! :-D
(Harry was sitting on a bench in the Gryffindor team's changing room. He was waiting for the start of another dawn Quidditch practice, but as it was only 4a.m he was the first member of the team to arrive. It wasn't only a passion for Quidditch that had got him out of bed at such an unearthly hour. He had been having a very strange dream…
His sleep had been calm, and peaceful, until a cold malevolent voice had suddenly begun to resonate through his slumbers. He frowned, and went over its words again in his head.
' Beware, Harry Potter!' It had hissed. 'Be on your guard. I give you a warning. Beware of something strange this Hallowe'en. Be careful. Sweet dreams, now, Harry Potter!' The cruel laughter echoed through his memory, and he shivered slightly.
Harry had come to the conclusion that it wasn't a voice he knew. Certainly, those weren't the high-pitched, icy tones of Lord Voldemort. Perhaps they belonged to one of his henchmen, a Death-eater? He mused tiredly on something Ron had once said to him:
' Hearing voices no-one else can hear is a bad sign, even in the wizarding world.'
Harry scowled. Surely this didn't apply to dreams? That was all it had been, after all. A dream. He sighed. This was stupid…
All the same he remembered what Dumbledore had said the previous day about the Halloween celebrations. There was to be a feast in the evening, and, following the success of the 'Britney Spears day', and because Dumbedore was keen to advance his students' knowledge of muggle culture, there was to be a special 'Muggle music' day.
Anyone who sang a muggle song would receive ten points for their house. Harry smiled to himself, remembering the events of the Britney day. Hermione had got into it in a big way, and even he had been forced to sing a song or two. Still, he grinned at the memory, perhaps it would be better if Hermione left her hair alone this time. Just as Harry was enjoying a pleasant image of Cho with flowing blonde locks, the door of the dimly-lit changing room burst open, and Colin Creevy bounded in, clutching his ever-present camera.)
Colin: Ooh! Hi Harry! Are you waiting for a Quidditch practice? Are you the first person here? Can I have a picture please?
(Colin began to flash his camera excitedly, and Harry groaned quietly.)
Harry: (frowning slightly) You know, Colin, it's still only four in the morning! You don't need to be out of bed for another three hours, yet! I really think you should-
(Harry was cut off mid-sentence as the music for 'Genie in a bottle' began to seep eerily into the changing room, as if from nowhere…Colin, whose eyes had glazed over, jumped up on the bench beside Harry with a cat-like spring, and began to sing.)
Colin: You know that I've been waiting here for my daily fix of Harry-ness,
Waiting for him to-oo get out of bed, yeah-eh.
I'm clicking some pics and saying 'Harry, this way!,'
But he's annoyed so he'll just turn away,
And zoom off on his fire-bolt (fire-bolt)
Wooh-oo-oo-oo-oo, so Harry's saying 'Must go!'
Wooh-oo-oo-yeah, eh-eh-eh,
But my camera's saying 'No! No!'
If you want to get away, Harry there's a price to pay!
I'm a psycho with a camera - you'd better not leave right away!
If you just want to escape then I really pity you, oh
'cos I'm really so damn crazy, you don't know what I could do!
(Harry was staring, jaw hanging open, at Colin, who was now parading up and down the bench, and appeared to be making up the words as the song went along. Harry was dreading any of his teammates seeing this…he would do almost anything to avoid reminding everyone of Colin's worship of him, and this could also prove extremely embarassing for Colin himself.He had to try and stop him…)
Harry: Umm, Colin, that's a great song, but aren't you meant to keep to the original words? And, Colin, you really shouldn't be…
(Harry was interrupted again as Colin restarted his 'unique' song…)
Colin: I'm a psycho with a camera, Harry,
And you know you shouldn't find it funny!
I'm a psycho with a camera, Harry -
Harry: (getting cross) Colin, come on! Get down and cut it out!
(As the music faded away, Colin looked around him, confused, and jumped down from the bench at once.)
Colin: (brightly) Hi Harry! (Then, looking bemused) Hey, where are we??
Harry: (slightly shell-shocked) Colin, look! You're in the changing rooms. I've got no idea what you're doing here, but you just got the first ten points for Gryffindor! Even if you did, um, 'adapt' the song slightly…
(Harry trailed off, remembering the 'psycho' reference. Was Colin quite all there, he wondered, or was he maybe just tired?)
Harry: (firmly) I think you should go back to bed now Colin…
Colin: (sleepily) Yeah! Good idea Harry! I feel really tired suddenly!
(Harry half shoved the unfortunate Colin through the door just as the Weasley twins elbowed their way in, clutching their broomsticks, and yawning. The rest of the team arrived shortly afterwards, and, although the practice went fairly well, Harry couldn't help but feel slightly pre-occupied by the thought of Colin Creevy's bizarre song. Had he actually known what he was doing at all? Harry put it out of his mind as the practice drew to a close, and, after locking his fire-bolt safely back in his trunk, he changed swiftly out of his Quidditch robes, and ran down to the Great Hall to join Ron and Hermione in breakfast.)
* * *
Ron: (through a mouthful of toast) Tho, (swallowing) ehem, sorry! So, what are we going to do today?
Harry: Well, I was thinking, since we've got the whole day off, we could always go to Hogsmeade and (in a whisper) visit 'Snuffles...'
Hermione: Harry, I really think you and Ron should spend some time studying today! I mean, Professor Binns is giving us a really huge History of magic test on Wednesday, to make up for that missed lesson. If you want to do well in it then I think you ought to join me in some revision!
Ron: (spitting a squirt of pumpkin juice over his eggs, and glaring, open mouthed)
Hermione! What are you talking about? You're always studying! Just quit it for one afternoon and visit Sirius with us. Making sure he's still alive is a bit more important than some test, you know!
(Harry could see a bitter argument arising from this, so he quickly tried to intervene)
Harry: Hermione, um, do you think maybe you could give the books a rest just for the morning? Sirius would like to see you, and we can always go to the library tomorrow…
(Ron gave Harry a revolted look which plainly said 'over my dead body!' and unfortunately, Hermione saw it.)
Hermione: Ron! When are you ever going to start seeing study in a responsible way?!
There are more important things in life than Quidditch and food, you know!
Ron: (flushing, and scowling at Hermione) Oh yeah? Well you go completely to the other extreme! Work, work, work, that's you Hermione! Why can't you allow us a minute of peace?!
(Harry put his face in his hands. Hermione was looking very hurt, and Ron was slumped and seething on the other side of him. As he tried to gauge exactly how upset Hermione was, and pondered what could be done to fix things, he saw that Hermione's expression was changing. Her eyes were glassy, and her mouth was slightly open. The music for ' Look at me!' started up, and Harry recognised where he had seen this face before, a moment too late. Hermione stood up, stepped daintily up onto a small space on the Gryffindors' packed breakfast table, and cleared her throat.
She was going to sing…Harry's eyes widened with horror, and he shouted quickly to Ron, who was looking at Hermione as though she'd gone completely mad, as were several others at that table.)
Harry: Quick! Grab a sleeve! We have to stop her!
(Ron looked thoroughly alarmed, and, swiping at the hem of Hermione's robes, demanded,)
Ron: Harry! What on earth's she doing?? Is this something to do with what I said?!
Harry: No! No time to explain now! We have to make her stop! She doesn't seem to realise what she's doing…we have to -
(Hermione began shimmying her way along the table, and every eye in the Hall turned on her, including those of the teachers, most of whom were blinking in astonishment. Ron cringed. Hermione began to sing, to the tune of 'Look at me!')
Hermione: Good looking, work slaving, well mannered, when I'm behaving!
Award taking, Potion making, Super-brainy witch-in-training!
(There was laughter at this from many of Hermione's spectators, who knew all this to be true, but hoots of derision came from the Slytherin table. Malfoy was looking as though all his birthdays had come at once…Harry and Ron were sinking into their chairs, purple-hued with embarrassment, and had long since given up trying to stop Hermione. She continued, posing her way over various plates and golden goblets.)
Hermione: (singing) Elf-loving, fast moving, I want it, books have it!
Krum baiting, Snape hating, Super brainy witch-in-training!
(Most of the Gryffindor table were on their knees now, howling with mirth at Hermione's slinking and 'singing'…
Hermione herself appeared to be oblivious, and continued, striking a tragic 'hand on heart' pose…)
Hermione: Sometimes, when life has dealt youuuuuuu a bad hand,
Your friends cannot help, though they want to,
You've tried it all, and nooooothing will do…..
Ron: (looking sickened) To think all this could have been avoided if only I'd agreed to go to the -
Huh! LIB-RARY! (Roared Hermione, with a Kong-fu kick that missed Fred Weasley's ear by inches)
Hermione: (continued) -There the answers lie and there you will-llllll find me!
Maybe next time take advice and go-ooooooo study!
(Whatever enchantment Hermione had been under seemed to be wearing off. She halted her song, and looking round at the students, who were all in such a state of collapse that some of them were crying with laughter, Flushed scarlet, Ron seized his chance, grabbing her wrist and pulling her off the table, amid a clatter of plates.)
Hermione: (whispered) What's happening?
Ron: (with an astonished glance at Harry) Come on, Hermione! Let's get you out of here!
(Harry and Ron frog-marched the dazed Hermione straight out of the Great Hall, (while the rest of the students were temporarily distracted by the arrival of the post owls), and through the portrait hole to the deserted Gryffindor common room. Hermione, who was now looking uncharacteristically blank, sank down into a chair.Ron was looking completely at sea...)
Ron: (hoarsely) Hermione, you don't look so good…Maybe you should go and see Madam Pomfrey or something…
Harry: No! Ron, trust me, she'll be O.K in a minute. Look, I think it's about time I told you both what's going on here…
Ron: Ah-ha! Come on Harry, Spill! What do you know about this?
(Harry glanced at Hermione, hesitating, and judged her back to normal when she snapped at him-)
Hermione: Come on then Harry - spit it out! I've got a lot of work to get back to!
(Rallied by Hermine's apparent reversion to normality, Harry explained his dream, and what had happened after it with Colin. He then found himself stuck with the unenviable task of relating the story of the events over breakfast to Hermione, who claimed to have forgotten everything. A few minutes later, when Hermione's shock had been assuaged slightly, and her rueful exclamations had almost subsided, the trio found themselves undecided on the best course of action.)
Ron: (looking more than slightly wary) Harry, this is serious! That dream was sent to warn you of something! What are we going to do?!
Hermione: (cutting in) Well, actually, although I would ordinarily take a matter such as this straight to professor Dumbledore, I do believe that strange disembodied voices might be more Sirius' area of expertise….
(Harry grinned, relieved that he now had a legitimate reason for visiting his Godfather.)
Harry: So, that's agreed then? We'll go and visit Sirius?
Ron: Yes! And let's not waste any time! This needs to be sorted out!
Hermione: O.K! O.K! Keep your hair on!
(Harry stifled a laugh. Talk about role reversal! Almost as though he had read Harry's mind, Ron immediately returned to his normal persona. Which was a relief.)
Ron: Still, bad though it obviously is for you, Hermione, (Ron snorted and gulped with half-supressed laughter), you have to admit, it was pretty funny when you got to that bit about 'Snape hating!'
Hermione: NOOOOOOO! I criticised a teacher! Oh, I feel so awful!
Ron: (chuckling appreciatively) that isn't all you did!
Harry: (feeling slightly sorry for Hermione, but very amused by the thought of her song) Still, Snape! He looked as though he'd seen a ghost!
Ron: (making a ghoulish face) he probably had! The ghost of the real Hermione Granger!
(Hermione looked utterly disgusted, and interrupted, sounding injured) Look! Could you please stop going on about this? I feel bad enough without you two reminding me constantly! It's all so frustrating! I have no real memory of actually doing it…
(Hermione looked both puzzled and cross)
Harry: Well, this is why we have to go and see Sirius!
(The three marched down the stairs from the common room, and wandered through the strings of laughing students, none of whom appeared to have missed Hermione's mortifying display….They walked on, heads held high. Straight into Professor Snape.
Snape twisted his lips into an unpleasant attempt at a smile. Harry's heart dropped to somewhere near his shoes…)
Snape: Ahhh! Who have we here? Miss Granger! Just the girl I wanted to see! I believe I need to remind you of some rules!
(Hermione whimpered, and moved behind Ron, who was desperately trying not to crack into gleeful laughter at the sight of a teacher telling Hermione about rules…)
Snape: (continuing) I presume you are aware, Miss Granger, that it is against Hogwarts' rules to-
(Snape stopped short. A light, dream-like quality had settled over his face, and he appeared to be straining his ears to a distant melody. Harry, Ron and Hermione exchanged terrified looks. If this was what it looked like…
Well this time they'd be quicker!
Hermione darted forwards, clamping her hand firmly over the mouth of a squirming Snape. He immediately began to struggle. Though the corridor was extremely busy, and they were half inside Snape's office, Ron was concerned that someone would soon notice them.)
Ron: (Shoving Harry, Hermione and a protesting Snape through the open door into his office) Get in here! You try to shut him up, Hermione! We can't have him drawing any attention! Great, keep it up! We're O.K at the moment, and if you can just keep -
Ron was cut off in mid-sentence. Snape had finally wrestled himself free from a desperate Hermione, and Harry, in a vain attempt to recapture him, was grabbing and swiping at Snape's shoe. Snape turned, gave a violent kick, and sent Harry sprawling over, clutching his head, and groaning. As Hermione also gave up, sinking to the floor in exhaustion, Snape leapt to his feet, eyes glistening, and the office was filled with music. If you could call Britney Spears music….)
(O.K, sorry!, sorry...I know I'm kind of infringing on your territory here, Hermione19, but you (as far as I know!) haven't written a 'Baby one more time' filk, and I just couldn't resist it!)
Snape: (to the 'tune' of 'Baby one more time.')
Harry, it's Snapie; I think you can safely know, that something isn't right here!
Miss Granger and I, have both been attacked, like so,
And made to sing these 'things!' yeah!
Tell me, what's it going to be?
You'd better help me, better do it quickly, oh because…
My evil-ness is quite scary,
And I-I, I'll punish you if you're too dopey, (too dopey)
Potter if you get it wrong this time,
Pleasure will be mi-i-i-ine!
I'll expel you in no time!
(Harry thought this was a staggeringly harsh thing to say to someone you were asking for help, but made no comment. He was far too stuck into Snape's song…)
Snape: (still singing) Know one thing Harry,
Know what I will do to you,
If you don't stop this nightmare.
Drop my truth potion, in your nighttime pumpkin juice,
- I'll have you lay your soul bare!
So now you see, you should be good to me,
'cos like Voldey, I'm not a good enemy,
Oh, because…
Nastiness is my cup of tea (N.B. Author's note: That's British for something you like doing)
a-and torturing you would give me much glee! (Give me glee!)
Stop this fiend Potter or you will find
I won't be ki-i-i-ind!
Who knows what I've got in mind?!
(Hermione, seeing her chance, came to her senses first, and sprang over to Snape once more, shutting off the terrible sound with a second well-placed fist. As suddenly as it had come, the enchantment left Snape, and he seemed to wake, a though from a day-dream. (Or a nightmare, thought Harry, shuddering.) Snape tore himself free, and wrenched Hermione's hand from his face.)
Snape: What is this?! I demand to know what is going on!
(Hermione stuttered, and Harry and Ron found themselves fighting an inappropriate urge to grin widely.)
Snape: (growing enraged) Very well! If no one is able to explain to me, I shall have to judge by what I know! Detention, Miss Granger!
Ron: (looking shocked) You can't give Hermione a detention! (He turned to Harry, looking suspicious) Harry, you don't think he's been possessed or something do you?!
Harry: (shrugging) After that, I'd believe almost anything!
(Ron pulled out his wand, and jabbed it fiercely at Snape's chest.)
Snape: (almost apoplectic with rage) Weasley! What the hell do you think you're doing?!
Ron: (glaring at Snape, and whipping the wand about dangerously near to his left nostril) Who are you, and what have you done with the REAL Snape?!
Snape: (screaming) Detention Weasley! And fifty points from Gryffindor for your cheek!
Harry: (ironically) Oh yeah. That's the real Snape, O.K!
Hermione: (finding her voice at last) *Professor* Snape, Harry!
Ron: (muttering darkly) Let's get out of here…
(So they continued on their journey to Hogsmeade, taking the ordinary path out of Hogwarts.)
* * *
Story continues in part 2, due to uploading problems! I think it gets better in part 2....Not that I'm plugging it or anything...