Title: The Scene with you in it
Style: One shot/Songfic
Author: Syaoran No Ichiban Aikousha
Author's Notes: This is a songfic I wrote for Touya and Yukito. :o I'm not really a songfic kinda' person, but, hey, we need more TxY out there, don't we?! Oh, and also, this is in Touya's POV. 'Cause, I mean, it IS his song, right? Oh and this has got to be one of the longest songfics ever. e.e;
Disclaimer: CCS isn't mine. It belongs to CLAMP, Kodansha, and etc.
' ' - Flash back
/ / - Song lyrics
---------------------
' "What??"
"That's right."
"But, why? Tomoeda is fine!"
"Touya, I understand how you feel, but I'm being transferred to a different university. We'll still be in Japan, but just not in this area." '
I don't understand. Otousan knew how I'd feel and he still agreed to take the job?? Sakura didn't take it too well, either, but she didn't try to put up a fight like me. I've nothing much to leave behind anyway. Except for ...
"To-ya!" I looked up from my continuous train of thought. I know I'm going to have to tell him anyway. Why am I hesitating? "To-ya, is something the matter?" He asked, as if his illuminated copper eyes scanned me with concern. I suppose my face gave it away. I don't know how he could have figured it out, still. I'm not usually the most cheery person. I guess it's just one of his unexplainable qualities.
"Wrong? No, of course not." I lied. Of course I know he'd see through me. Why'd I even bother?"
"To-ya.. " He began. I cut him off.
"Actually, Yuki, something isn't right." I confessed. Here it comes. Could this possibly end well? "Yuki, my dad got a new job. A few days ago."
"That's wonderful for him! Why.. would that be bad?" Yukito asked. He didn't figure it out. Why is he making this so hard? Or is it just me? ..
"Yuki, the job isn't in Tomoeda," I sucked in a deep breath, "We're moving."
"To-ya... " He starred at me in frozen shock. The glisten in his jubilant eyes vanished, like stars vanish from the dark navy sky when the light of dawn shatters the blanket of night. For a while, we just stood there. Immobile. Silent. If not for my words to slice through the almost eerie quiet, we could still be standing there.
"Yuki, I-"
"To-ya, I'm very, very happy for you. And your father." Yukito said a little too happily. I knew he was faking it. Masking his true emotions, afraid that if he revealed them too much, I'd think he was being ridiculous. I knew so well of this feeling. I had them, too.
The bell rung.
"I'll see you later, To-ya!" Yukito called as he ran off quicker than usual. Leaving me. I stood there, ignoring the crowd of students gushing out of the high school's doors. The chattering began to overcome my thoughts so I decided to start home. Or what was my home.
/ Even though I still don't understand the meaning of "eternity," /
/ something starts anew when it becomes memories. /
"Itadakimasu."
"Otousan, I don't know if I can leave." Sakura looked over at our dad from her seat at the table. Her glassy emerald eyes gave the impression that tears would have flowed from them any moment, but oddly enough, she held them in quite well.
"I know. I apologize for all of this. I'm sure leaving friends is very hard for both of you. I know you'll be happy in our new home, too." Dad reassured. Sakura simply nodded and went on with her dinner. Did no one feel as I felt? Was this move going to be so easily accomplished? As if nothing was really happening? I recalled the conversation I had with Yuki today, cut short by the ringing of the bells. I remembered how he arched his eyes up in a kind manner. How he ran off the second the bell sounded. This was beginning to become unbearable. There were so many things I wanted, no, needed to say. So many things he had to know. I should have said something before. I had all the time in the world. Now, it'll be too late.
/ Even now, I dream about you at times, /
/ in the nights full of peaceful stars. /
I kept my eyes on the sidewalk as I stumbled down it towards Seijou high. I could faintly hear the familiar sound of voices gabbing to each other. Cheerful giggles and laughs. Would I ever laugh like that again? I wasn't even sure if I'd even smile again, much less laugh. I suddenly spotted a vague shadow, for the sun had been shining in the other direction, being cast over my figure. My head jerked up as I saw him. His eyes looked swollen as if from a night of non-stop crying and his face looked paler than usual. His silver hair rustled up and falling into his eyes. Somehow, I felt guilty, as if I had made him this way. Still, he beamed at me.
"Good morning, To-ya." He said. His voice sounded tired, scratched up.
"Morning, Yuki." I replied slowly. I secretly glanced down at my watch. We had five minutes before classes start. Would this be enough?
"Yuki, I need to tell you something." I said. I felt terrible. As if I hadn't already gave him enough news this week.
"What is it, To-ya?" His smile fell from his lips and was replaced with a look of seriousness.
"I.. I know this is the worst time to tell you, or anyone, something like this. But I'm afraid that ... that if I don't tell you now, I won't ever get a chance to. What with my .. moving and all." I said. I talked quickly, words flying from my mouth. I wondered if he had heard me. He kept silent. His face showed that he had actually heard me. Every single word. I went on, "Yuki, I-"
The bell rang.
Damn that bell. I cursed under my breath. I knew I had to tell him one way or another. Quickly, without giving it much thought, I made my decision. "Yuki, meet me after school." He nodded and smiled; one would think our last conversation had never taken place. I watched him stroll through the school doors. After a while, I realized I was still standing there and quickly stumbled my way to the doors as well.
/ You turned towards me and were about to say something, /
/ and that shadow is going to disappear in the morning light. /
"Yuki!" I called to the figure wandering about the schoolyard.
"To-ya! I didn't know where to meet you." Yukito said, scrambling towards me. I breathed in. It always seemed like something was trying to prevent from from telling him. Like destiny didn't want him to know about .. How I felt. I didn't care. What does destiny know anyway?
"Yuki, about what I was going to say this morning... " I started.
"Yes?" He stood before me, an unexplainable expression on his face; a mixture of eagerness to hear what I was to say, and yet a look of brace as if he didn't want me to say it.
"I don't know how to begin. You have this ... quality... Well, when I see you ... You're my friend, aren't you.. ?" I stuttered. My voice was soft and low. My eyes made no contact to his at all. I began to doubt I was actually going to do this.
"Of course, To-ya. What made you think we weren't?" He said.
"Nothing. I just.. I just .. " I stopped. I could hear the honking of a car horn in the distance. I looked to the street and saw my dad waving at me from his car window. My heart sank as I turned to Yukito. "I'll be back." I angrily rushed over to my dad and peered into the window.
"I'm awfully sorry, Touya, but I received a call from my new employer and he said for me to be at work the day after tomorrow. I came to pick you up so you could pack and help me move some furniture." He explained. I was beginning to think that fate was against me.
"A-Alright. Give me a minute." He nodded as I ran over to Yukito who was standing there watching our quick conversation pass by in seconds. "Yuki, I .. I have to go." I didn't know what else to say so I turned around and rushed into the car, not even looking back. My dad seemed puzzled at my behavior to my best friend, but thought it better not to ask. I was grateful for that. As we drove off, I could see Yukito in the rear-view mirror. He stood there, with the worst look on his face. A look I thought would never grace his gentle face. And it was all because of me.
/ I couldn't even say, "I want to stay with you forever," /
/ but to only wave in silence, at that time... /
I fell flat on what was my bed now that it had been taken to the new house. The rooms were bare as the trees in winter. My arms and legs ached from picking up beds, dressers, and tables all day long. I haven't even seen the new house. It was probably nothing compared to this house. But, of course, after tomorrow, I'd know. My room was the only one that had not been completely finished being moved. My dresser was still here. And so was my desk. Everyone in and on it was gone, though. We were to sleep in our sleeping bags until we get to move. Why didn't we just go today? I think dad wanted us to be able to stay in the house for a bit longer. I don't know what good that'd do us, but I guess it's the thought that counts. I glanced over at my empty desk. Something drew me to it. I wasn't sure what it was, but some force urged me to check the drawers of it. I opened a few of them and saw nothing. When I opened the bottom one, I spotted some sort of white paper. I quickly picked it up and noticed it was the backside of a photograph. I winced at the picture. It was of myself and Yukito when we were in Hong Kong. I don't recall much of the trip, though. I slipped the picture into my pocket; I wasn't sure why, though. Some memories are just irreplaceable. A knock on my door made me jump a bit. I spun around to see Sakura standing by the opened door.
"Did I scare you?" She asked.
"No." I lied. I could tell from her face that she had been crying. It was the same look Yukito had this morning.
"Oniichan, I don't know what to do." She said. Her voice cracked a few times.
"About what?" I asked.
"Leaving!" she said as if I should have known. Somewhere in me, I did know, but I needed to make sure.
"Oh. Kaijuu doesn't want to leave her friends?" I joked. I don't know how I could have joked at a time like this. It was terrible to see the expression she had so I tried to cheer her up. She starred at me blankly, not even scowling at me or shouting in defense.
"I can't leave Tomoeda. Tomoyo-chan is here. Naoko-chan, Rika-chan, Chiharu-chan, and Yamazaki-kun are here. S-Syaoran-kun is here.. " She said. I flared up at the sound of his name. I refrained from making a snide remark about him, though.
"Sakura ... I-I know how hard it is." I said.
"You're leaving Yukito-san, aren't you?" She asked in sympathy.
"I-I guess so." I said. She starred at me. I fumbled the photo around in my pocket.
"Oniichan, can't we stay?" She asked. I know she knew the answer to the question so I didn't bother to answer.
"Just because we're leaving Tomoeda doesn't mean you won't be able to see your friends anymore." I reassured her.
"Everyone says that, but it won't be the same." She said.
"I know," I replied, "I know." I searched my mind for anything that might make her feel just a little better, but came up with nothing. I couldn't even make myself feel better. "Sakura, going against this is like fighting a one-sided battle. You can't win. Friends will stay friends no matter how far away you are as long as you keep in touch." I wasn't listening to my words, but she turned the corners of her mouth up ever so slightly and nodded.
"Good night, Oniichan." She said before dashing out of my room. I laid back down on my "bed" and gazed up at the ceiling. My own words rotated about my mind. Did I even believe them? Perhaps.
/ Even though my heart hurts from the wound of farewell, /
/ I now want to believe in a new encounter. /
I sat on the bench of the Tomoeda Park starring at the night sky. It was around ten o'clock. I had just returned from my visit to the new house. It's about three hours or so from here to there by car. It's been hectic these few days and I still haven't gotten a chance to talk to Yuki. The house looks fine, I hate to admit. Not the sort of shack I imagined, but it still cannot compare with Tomoeda. I saw the local high school, too. The one I'll be attending soon. I still am not able to picture myself coming home to another house. It's just too difficult. I called Yuki from the new house on one of the movers' cell phones since the phone lines at the house weren't hooked up yet. I told him I'd meet him in the park at 9'o clock. I suppose I misjudged the timing. I peered up into the misty sky. It was looking blurry ever since this afternoon. I had expected rain to come much earlier, but it hadn't. Instead, there was a terrible humid breeze lurking about. If I couldn't meet Yuki tonight, I wouldn't have any more chances. We're leaving tomorrow at 7'o clock. I could feel very small droplets of water cascading onto my neck. Cold tingles running up and down my spine as I starred onto the empty sidewalk, no sign of movement or voices. I figured Yuki came and saw that I wasn't here. Either that or he didn't bother to come at all, but he just wasn't that type of person. I stood up and walked around a bit, making sure he hadn't been sitting somewhere and didn't see me. After wandering about the park a couple hundred times, I sat down again. Something jabbed me slightly in the thigh. I noticed that it came from my pocket. As I reached in, I could feel the rigged edges of a thick piece of paper. I pulled it out and realized I still had the photograph I had found the other night. I suppose I didn't pay attention to my wardrobe and thrown on the same pair of jeans this morning. I twisted the picture between my fingers for a while. Suddenly, a sound of slow footsteps perked my attention up as I quickly shoved the photograph back into my pocket. I gave a sigh of relief, but at the same time disappointment as soon as I noticed that it was simply a jogger. I thought it quite strange for one to be out so late, but who was I to talk? Another rhythm of footsteps caught my attention, but, thinking it was another jogger, I turned my head and gazed down at the cold, hard concrete. A familiar shadow was marked before me, an all-too-familiar deja vu. I spun around, only to come face-to-face with Yuki. He had come.
/ Seasons come and go, and the sky that reflects in my eyes.../
/ ...could be seen brighter than yesterday. /
"I didn't think you'd come." I said in a dumbfounded manner. He shook his head.
"I've been waiting here." Yuki replied.
"I checked, but I didn't see you." I informed. Yuki looked to the direction of the jogger who was still making his way down the sidewalk.
"I heard footsteps and decided to follow them. It's so dark, I didn't know who it was." Yuki said, looking back at me. This unimportant little conversation could have gone on forever. I decided to end it.
"Yuki, I know we haven't gotten a good chance ... to talk." I said. The rain droplets splattered on my shoulders. The little dots moistening my shirt. Yuki's too. A little rain would dampen the mood, but it wouldn't stop me from talking. "I'm sorry to have sprung so much information at you .. all at once."
"No, to.. to tell the truth, I've been, well, avoiding you. I-I didn't want to hear what you wanted to say." Yukito confessed. Who could blame him, though?
"Yuki, there's something I wanted to say to you. It's always been in the back of my mind, but never dared to show itself.." I blurted out as fast as my lips could move. Yuki looked a bit taken back. I usually wasn't like this about my feelings. He looked glad that I decided to share something with him; surprised, too.
"Yes, To-ya?" Was all he could find time to say.
"Yuki, I .. we're .. friends, aren't we?" I asked stupidly.
"Of course, To-ya! Why do you keep asking me this? Do you not want to be?" Yukito asked. I wanted to test him.
"What would you do if I didn't?" I wanted to know .. in what manner he thought of me.
"I... I ... To-ya, is this really what you wanted to say to me?" He suddenly asked. I wasn't expecting this.
"Well, no. The truth is.. the truth is, I want to find out how you think of me... " I said. My voice sounded monotonous in my head. My words drummed and beated upon my skull as I stood, legs frozen and feet glued to the concrete. I starred at him, bracing myself for his words, but at the same time, urging them to come out.
"You're my friend." Yuki finally said, softly.
"Only.. a friend?" I asked in disappointment.
"Best friend." He replied.
"Only ... a best friend.. ?" I asked a bit more hesitantly. He looked at me for a while.
"To-ya, what are you trying to say? We're best friends. We always will be. Is that not what you want?" Yukito asked in confusion.
"Yes, and no." I said. This was just going to confuse him even more so.
"What do you mean?" He asked.
"I... want to be.. best friends." I said.
"That's what we are." He reassured. I breathed in deeply.
"Is there anything.. on a .. higher level than just ... best friends?" I questioned. I knew he wasn't ready for such a question. He probably expected me to say that we're best friends and that I'd call him tomorrow from my new house to say 'hello'. This was more complicated for that.
"Higher .. level? Usually it's .. acquaintances, friends, best friends, and then .. " He cut off. I peered at him, my eyes squinting through the night. His glasses were dotted with raindrops. By some sort of horrible coincidence, the rain poured on harder. I cursed angrily to myself.
"And then.. ?" I continued for him. Did he get my message? Was he finally figuring this out?
"To-ya.. anything higher than best friends ... are-" I slit through his words.
"Lov..ers?" I finished.
"You knew?" He asked.
"I knew." The plitter-platter of rain hitting the ground as well as us shattered my words.
"I.. don't understand." He said, slowly and quietly. "You're not saying... "
This is it. I didn't have time to play guessing games with him, even though I did start it. I needed to tell him or else, I'd explode from feelings corked inside of me.
"Yuki, I love.... you."
/ From the scene with you in it, taking a step forward, /
/ I start to walk, without looking back anymore. /
"Touya, wake up. It's time to go."
I slowly opened my eyes only to see my father standing over me. I glanced at the clock. 5 o'clock. I must have gotten no sleep yesterday night. I couldn't remember what happened exactly. It was.. such a blur now. It was then, too. After I had told him the words I've been wanting to say, everything went black, as if I was knocked out, unconscious. I nodded to my dad and watched him leave the room. I was still in my jeans and t-shirt. It had dried overnight, I suppose. The window revealed a dark, gloomy dawn arising. With no objection, I stood up and fixed my hair. It looked a mess. Not that I cared, though. I walked to the kitchen, or what was our kitchen, and saw Sakura and dad sitting to a store bought breakfast. Our refrigerator had been moved as well, I guess. I seated myself and began to eat. The food tasted terrible, but I said nothing. Sakura was quiet, for once. I suppose leaving her friends was difficult, too. I, on the other hand, really didn't have many friends, or anything else for that matter, to leave. Except Yuki.
"We're going to leave at six or so. We'll be taking the train, so it should be faster. " Fujitaka informed. He didn't look too good, either. Perhaps it was hard for him, as well. Selfish me, thinking I'm the only one who had a life here. Otousan was probably doing this to support us. Sakura was leaving her school and best friends. Sakura nodded at our father's words. I kept still and silent. On impulse, I pushed my chair back and stood up.
"I'm going to go do something before we leave. I'm not hungry anyway." I said. I turned my back, not even waiting for an answer from them, and left. They said nothing anyway. I suppose they understood. My hands fidgeted in my pocket, wrestling with the photograph of memories.
/ The sigh after you turned your back on me, /
/ is it all right to make that a memory of our time spent together as well? /
I seemed to have wandered all the way to the train station. I hadn't meant to, though, I really didn't know where my destination was when I first left the house. I starred at my watch. Five-thirty. Sakura and Otousan should be getting here in thirty minutes. I starred at passengers come on and off of the train, marionette-like as they stepped off and on in unison. I seemed to have been paying more attention to the passengers than anything else near me, for a voice perked me up.
"To-ya!!" I starred around. Who else could that have been? I searched frantically for the owner of the voice, but found no one. Now I'm hallucinating.
"To-ya!!" Again, I heard it. This, time, it was closer. As I jerked my head to the right, I saw him.
"... Y-Yuki." I said on impulse. He wandered over to me.
"To-ya.. I can't .. I can't let you leave. Yesterday night, I didn't mean to ... to leave like that." He said in apology. Now, I remembered what happened. I had confessed my feelings and he suddenly had to be home by eleven o'clock. I knew he was frightened. I was, as well. I just didn't want to let it overcome me.
"To-ya.. I've always thought of you as my best friend. But, yesterday, when you told me... how you thought of me... it sparked something inside of me." Yukito said, "It made me... realize... that the feeling ... is mutual."
/ Roads lead into the future, however far, /
/ the warm winds will be blowing in there. /
I could feel the heat rise to my head. My thoughts spun like webs inside my mind.
"Yuki ... " I started. I didn't know how to finish my sentence, though. I just needed to break the eerie silence. He had just told me he felt the same. What was I to do? I stood in shock from his words. I must have looked like an idiot. Passersby didn't notice us; they seemed to busy with their own lives. For a while, a long while, actually, we just stood, starring at each other. My eyes gazed into his. They were pouring with sincerity. Everything he had said was true. I ignored all the aches and pains of my body from the other night. He finally said something as he noticed I wouldn't.
"To-ya, I .. love .. " He starred at me for a second, ".. you." That was enough for me. A sudden smile spread onto my lips. It was only a slight smile, but a smile nonetheless.
"Yukito-san!!" I spun around. Sakura and my father had arrived.
"Sakura-chan, how are you? You're leaving now, aren't you?" Yukito asked as he kneeled down to Sakura's height. I looked to my father.
"Touya, you didn't tell me you were coming here. We looked for you." He said.
"Oh, sorry about that." I replied.
"Yukito-san, I'm going to write to you." Sakura said.
"I will, too." Yukito assured.
"It's six o'clock. We'd better be going." Dad said. Sakura hugged Yukito and followed Otousan to the train. I looked at Yuki.
"Yuki .. I'm.. " I started.
"I'll miss you, too, To-ya." He said.
"I wish this could be different." I suddenly said, "This is unbearable.. "
"I know." He replied. I remembered something. I quickly reached into my pocket and pulled out the picture.
"Here. Keep this." I said as I handed it over to him. He starred at it for a while, a beam gently overcoming the frown he had.
"To-ya... " He began.
"Maybe we'll get to go again someday." I said. He nodded.
The train whistle blew.
/ Even though I still don't understand the meaning of "eternity," /
/ something starts anew when it becomes memories. /
"Touya!" Dad shouted through the window of the train, "The train's leaving in five minutes!"
"To-ya, you'd better-" Yuki started. I nodded to him, my voice mute. I started towards the train, not looking back. As I looked out of the window from my seat at him, he smiled. I kept down the urge to run out of the train and say good-bye to him. I watched his hand go up into a slight wave. Then, after a while, I noticed that it was more of a gesture for me to lower the window. As I did, I realized that he had run up as close to my window as was permitted.
"Wasurenai ja nai." He said. "Boku-tachi no koto."
I nodded.
With the final train whistle, I watched as we inched away from him. He stood, in silence, looking back at me with that indescribable smile. An odd premonition graced me; with the illumination of a breaking dawn and memorable visions promenading through the azure sky. I glanced back at the station, with not a sight of a soul, but to me, he'll always be there, waiting in an aura of silence followed by the mesmerizing smile that only he obtained.
/ Even though my heart hurts from the wound of farewell,
/ I now want to believe in a new encounter. /
-------------------------------
This fanfic is dedicated to the victims who lost their precious lives on 9.11.01 and to their families and friends who grieve for their beloved. America's tears fall for you.
- Syaoran No Ichiban Aikousha -
Dictionary:
Itadakimasu - Said before eating
Wasurenai ja nai - Don't forget
Boku-tachi no koto - About us
Style: One shot/Songfic
Author: Syaoran No Ichiban Aikousha
Author's Notes: This is a songfic I wrote for Touya and Yukito. :o I'm not really a songfic kinda' person, but, hey, we need more TxY out there, don't we?! Oh, and also, this is in Touya's POV. 'Cause, I mean, it IS his song, right? Oh and this has got to be one of the longest songfics ever. e.e;
Disclaimer: CCS isn't mine. It belongs to CLAMP, Kodansha, and etc.
' ' - Flash back
/ / - Song lyrics
---------------------
' "What??"
"That's right."
"But, why? Tomoeda is fine!"
"Touya, I understand how you feel, but I'm being transferred to a different university. We'll still be in Japan, but just not in this area." '
I don't understand. Otousan knew how I'd feel and he still agreed to take the job?? Sakura didn't take it too well, either, but she didn't try to put up a fight like me. I've nothing much to leave behind anyway. Except for ...
"To-ya!" I looked up from my continuous train of thought. I know I'm going to have to tell him anyway. Why am I hesitating? "To-ya, is something the matter?" He asked, as if his illuminated copper eyes scanned me with concern. I suppose my face gave it away. I don't know how he could have figured it out, still. I'm not usually the most cheery person. I guess it's just one of his unexplainable qualities.
"Wrong? No, of course not." I lied. Of course I know he'd see through me. Why'd I even bother?"
"To-ya.. " He began. I cut him off.
"Actually, Yuki, something isn't right." I confessed. Here it comes. Could this possibly end well? "Yuki, my dad got a new job. A few days ago."
"That's wonderful for him! Why.. would that be bad?" Yukito asked. He didn't figure it out. Why is he making this so hard? Or is it just me? ..
"Yuki, the job isn't in Tomoeda," I sucked in a deep breath, "We're moving."
"To-ya... " He starred at me in frozen shock. The glisten in his jubilant eyes vanished, like stars vanish from the dark navy sky when the light of dawn shatters the blanket of night. For a while, we just stood there. Immobile. Silent. If not for my words to slice through the almost eerie quiet, we could still be standing there.
"Yuki, I-"
"To-ya, I'm very, very happy for you. And your father." Yukito said a little too happily. I knew he was faking it. Masking his true emotions, afraid that if he revealed them too much, I'd think he was being ridiculous. I knew so well of this feeling. I had them, too.
The bell rung.
"I'll see you later, To-ya!" Yukito called as he ran off quicker than usual. Leaving me. I stood there, ignoring the crowd of students gushing out of the high school's doors. The chattering began to overcome my thoughts so I decided to start home. Or what was my home.
/ Even though I still don't understand the meaning of "eternity," /
/ something starts anew when it becomes memories. /
"Itadakimasu."
"Otousan, I don't know if I can leave." Sakura looked over at our dad from her seat at the table. Her glassy emerald eyes gave the impression that tears would have flowed from them any moment, but oddly enough, she held them in quite well.
"I know. I apologize for all of this. I'm sure leaving friends is very hard for both of you. I know you'll be happy in our new home, too." Dad reassured. Sakura simply nodded and went on with her dinner. Did no one feel as I felt? Was this move going to be so easily accomplished? As if nothing was really happening? I recalled the conversation I had with Yuki today, cut short by the ringing of the bells. I remembered how he arched his eyes up in a kind manner. How he ran off the second the bell sounded. This was beginning to become unbearable. There were so many things I wanted, no, needed to say. So many things he had to know. I should have said something before. I had all the time in the world. Now, it'll be too late.
/ Even now, I dream about you at times, /
/ in the nights full of peaceful stars. /
I kept my eyes on the sidewalk as I stumbled down it towards Seijou high. I could faintly hear the familiar sound of voices gabbing to each other. Cheerful giggles and laughs. Would I ever laugh like that again? I wasn't even sure if I'd even smile again, much less laugh. I suddenly spotted a vague shadow, for the sun had been shining in the other direction, being cast over my figure. My head jerked up as I saw him. His eyes looked swollen as if from a night of non-stop crying and his face looked paler than usual. His silver hair rustled up and falling into his eyes. Somehow, I felt guilty, as if I had made him this way. Still, he beamed at me.
"Good morning, To-ya." He said. His voice sounded tired, scratched up.
"Morning, Yuki." I replied slowly. I secretly glanced down at my watch. We had five minutes before classes start. Would this be enough?
"Yuki, I need to tell you something." I said. I felt terrible. As if I hadn't already gave him enough news this week.
"What is it, To-ya?" His smile fell from his lips and was replaced with a look of seriousness.
"I.. I know this is the worst time to tell you, or anyone, something like this. But I'm afraid that ... that if I don't tell you now, I won't ever get a chance to. What with my .. moving and all." I said. I talked quickly, words flying from my mouth. I wondered if he had heard me. He kept silent. His face showed that he had actually heard me. Every single word. I went on, "Yuki, I-"
The bell rang.
Damn that bell. I cursed under my breath. I knew I had to tell him one way or another. Quickly, without giving it much thought, I made my decision. "Yuki, meet me after school." He nodded and smiled; one would think our last conversation had never taken place. I watched him stroll through the school doors. After a while, I realized I was still standing there and quickly stumbled my way to the doors as well.
/ You turned towards me and were about to say something, /
/ and that shadow is going to disappear in the morning light. /
"Yuki!" I called to the figure wandering about the schoolyard.
"To-ya! I didn't know where to meet you." Yukito said, scrambling towards me. I breathed in. It always seemed like something was trying to prevent from from telling him. Like destiny didn't want him to know about .. How I felt. I didn't care. What does destiny know anyway?
"Yuki, about what I was going to say this morning... " I started.
"Yes?" He stood before me, an unexplainable expression on his face; a mixture of eagerness to hear what I was to say, and yet a look of brace as if he didn't want me to say it.
"I don't know how to begin. You have this ... quality... Well, when I see you ... You're my friend, aren't you.. ?" I stuttered. My voice was soft and low. My eyes made no contact to his at all. I began to doubt I was actually going to do this.
"Of course, To-ya. What made you think we weren't?" He said.
"Nothing. I just.. I just .. " I stopped. I could hear the honking of a car horn in the distance. I looked to the street and saw my dad waving at me from his car window. My heart sank as I turned to Yukito. "I'll be back." I angrily rushed over to my dad and peered into the window.
"I'm awfully sorry, Touya, but I received a call from my new employer and he said for me to be at work the day after tomorrow. I came to pick you up so you could pack and help me move some furniture." He explained. I was beginning to think that fate was against me.
"A-Alright. Give me a minute." He nodded as I ran over to Yukito who was standing there watching our quick conversation pass by in seconds. "Yuki, I .. I have to go." I didn't know what else to say so I turned around and rushed into the car, not even looking back. My dad seemed puzzled at my behavior to my best friend, but thought it better not to ask. I was grateful for that. As we drove off, I could see Yukito in the rear-view mirror. He stood there, with the worst look on his face. A look I thought would never grace his gentle face. And it was all because of me.
/ I couldn't even say, "I want to stay with you forever," /
/ but to only wave in silence, at that time... /
I fell flat on what was my bed now that it had been taken to the new house. The rooms were bare as the trees in winter. My arms and legs ached from picking up beds, dressers, and tables all day long. I haven't even seen the new house. It was probably nothing compared to this house. But, of course, after tomorrow, I'd know. My room was the only one that had not been completely finished being moved. My dresser was still here. And so was my desk. Everyone in and on it was gone, though. We were to sleep in our sleeping bags until we get to move. Why didn't we just go today? I think dad wanted us to be able to stay in the house for a bit longer. I don't know what good that'd do us, but I guess it's the thought that counts. I glanced over at my empty desk. Something drew me to it. I wasn't sure what it was, but some force urged me to check the drawers of it. I opened a few of them and saw nothing. When I opened the bottom one, I spotted some sort of white paper. I quickly picked it up and noticed it was the backside of a photograph. I winced at the picture. It was of myself and Yukito when we were in Hong Kong. I don't recall much of the trip, though. I slipped the picture into my pocket; I wasn't sure why, though. Some memories are just irreplaceable. A knock on my door made me jump a bit. I spun around to see Sakura standing by the opened door.
"Did I scare you?" She asked.
"No." I lied. I could tell from her face that she had been crying. It was the same look Yukito had this morning.
"Oniichan, I don't know what to do." She said. Her voice cracked a few times.
"About what?" I asked.
"Leaving!" she said as if I should have known. Somewhere in me, I did know, but I needed to make sure.
"Oh. Kaijuu doesn't want to leave her friends?" I joked. I don't know how I could have joked at a time like this. It was terrible to see the expression she had so I tried to cheer her up. She starred at me blankly, not even scowling at me or shouting in defense.
"I can't leave Tomoeda. Tomoyo-chan is here. Naoko-chan, Rika-chan, Chiharu-chan, and Yamazaki-kun are here. S-Syaoran-kun is here.. " She said. I flared up at the sound of his name. I refrained from making a snide remark about him, though.
"Sakura ... I-I know how hard it is." I said.
"You're leaving Yukito-san, aren't you?" She asked in sympathy.
"I-I guess so." I said. She starred at me. I fumbled the photo around in my pocket.
"Oniichan, can't we stay?" She asked. I know she knew the answer to the question so I didn't bother to answer.
"Just because we're leaving Tomoeda doesn't mean you won't be able to see your friends anymore." I reassured her.
"Everyone says that, but it won't be the same." She said.
"I know," I replied, "I know." I searched my mind for anything that might make her feel just a little better, but came up with nothing. I couldn't even make myself feel better. "Sakura, going against this is like fighting a one-sided battle. You can't win. Friends will stay friends no matter how far away you are as long as you keep in touch." I wasn't listening to my words, but she turned the corners of her mouth up ever so slightly and nodded.
"Good night, Oniichan." She said before dashing out of my room. I laid back down on my "bed" and gazed up at the ceiling. My own words rotated about my mind. Did I even believe them? Perhaps.
/ Even though my heart hurts from the wound of farewell, /
/ I now want to believe in a new encounter. /
I sat on the bench of the Tomoeda Park starring at the night sky. It was around ten o'clock. I had just returned from my visit to the new house. It's about three hours or so from here to there by car. It's been hectic these few days and I still haven't gotten a chance to talk to Yuki. The house looks fine, I hate to admit. Not the sort of shack I imagined, but it still cannot compare with Tomoeda. I saw the local high school, too. The one I'll be attending soon. I still am not able to picture myself coming home to another house. It's just too difficult. I called Yuki from the new house on one of the movers' cell phones since the phone lines at the house weren't hooked up yet. I told him I'd meet him in the park at 9'o clock. I suppose I misjudged the timing. I peered up into the misty sky. It was looking blurry ever since this afternoon. I had expected rain to come much earlier, but it hadn't. Instead, there was a terrible humid breeze lurking about. If I couldn't meet Yuki tonight, I wouldn't have any more chances. We're leaving tomorrow at 7'o clock. I could feel very small droplets of water cascading onto my neck. Cold tingles running up and down my spine as I starred onto the empty sidewalk, no sign of movement or voices. I figured Yuki came and saw that I wasn't here. Either that or he didn't bother to come at all, but he just wasn't that type of person. I stood up and walked around a bit, making sure he hadn't been sitting somewhere and didn't see me. After wandering about the park a couple hundred times, I sat down again. Something jabbed me slightly in the thigh. I noticed that it came from my pocket. As I reached in, I could feel the rigged edges of a thick piece of paper. I pulled it out and realized I still had the photograph I had found the other night. I suppose I didn't pay attention to my wardrobe and thrown on the same pair of jeans this morning. I twisted the picture between my fingers for a while. Suddenly, a sound of slow footsteps perked my attention up as I quickly shoved the photograph back into my pocket. I gave a sigh of relief, but at the same time disappointment as soon as I noticed that it was simply a jogger. I thought it quite strange for one to be out so late, but who was I to talk? Another rhythm of footsteps caught my attention, but, thinking it was another jogger, I turned my head and gazed down at the cold, hard concrete. A familiar shadow was marked before me, an all-too-familiar deja vu. I spun around, only to come face-to-face with Yuki. He had come.
/ Seasons come and go, and the sky that reflects in my eyes.../
/ ...could be seen brighter than yesterday. /
"I didn't think you'd come." I said in a dumbfounded manner. He shook his head.
"I've been waiting here." Yuki replied.
"I checked, but I didn't see you." I informed. Yuki looked to the direction of the jogger who was still making his way down the sidewalk.
"I heard footsteps and decided to follow them. It's so dark, I didn't know who it was." Yuki said, looking back at me. This unimportant little conversation could have gone on forever. I decided to end it.
"Yuki, I know we haven't gotten a good chance ... to talk." I said. The rain droplets splattered on my shoulders. The little dots moistening my shirt. Yuki's too. A little rain would dampen the mood, but it wouldn't stop me from talking. "I'm sorry to have sprung so much information at you .. all at once."
"No, to.. to tell the truth, I've been, well, avoiding you. I-I didn't want to hear what you wanted to say." Yukito confessed. Who could blame him, though?
"Yuki, there's something I wanted to say to you. It's always been in the back of my mind, but never dared to show itself.." I blurted out as fast as my lips could move. Yuki looked a bit taken back. I usually wasn't like this about my feelings. He looked glad that I decided to share something with him; surprised, too.
"Yes, To-ya?" Was all he could find time to say.
"Yuki, I .. we're .. friends, aren't we?" I asked stupidly.
"Of course, To-ya! Why do you keep asking me this? Do you not want to be?" Yukito asked. I wanted to test him.
"What would you do if I didn't?" I wanted to know .. in what manner he thought of me.
"I... I ... To-ya, is this really what you wanted to say to me?" He suddenly asked. I wasn't expecting this.
"Well, no. The truth is.. the truth is, I want to find out how you think of me... " I said. My voice sounded monotonous in my head. My words drummed and beated upon my skull as I stood, legs frozen and feet glued to the concrete. I starred at him, bracing myself for his words, but at the same time, urging them to come out.
"You're my friend." Yuki finally said, softly.
"Only.. a friend?" I asked in disappointment.
"Best friend." He replied.
"Only ... a best friend.. ?" I asked a bit more hesitantly. He looked at me for a while.
"To-ya, what are you trying to say? We're best friends. We always will be. Is that not what you want?" Yukito asked in confusion.
"Yes, and no." I said. This was just going to confuse him even more so.
"What do you mean?" He asked.
"I... want to be.. best friends." I said.
"That's what we are." He reassured. I breathed in deeply.
"Is there anything.. on a .. higher level than just ... best friends?" I questioned. I knew he wasn't ready for such a question. He probably expected me to say that we're best friends and that I'd call him tomorrow from my new house to say 'hello'. This was more complicated for that.
"Higher .. level? Usually it's .. acquaintances, friends, best friends, and then .. " He cut off. I peered at him, my eyes squinting through the night. His glasses were dotted with raindrops. By some sort of horrible coincidence, the rain poured on harder. I cursed angrily to myself.
"And then.. ?" I continued for him. Did he get my message? Was he finally figuring this out?
"To-ya.. anything higher than best friends ... are-" I slit through his words.
"Lov..ers?" I finished.
"You knew?" He asked.
"I knew." The plitter-platter of rain hitting the ground as well as us shattered my words.
"I.. don't understand." He said, slowly and quietly. "You're not saying... "
This is it. I didn't have time to play guessing games with him, even though I did start it. I needed to tell him or else, I'd explode from feelings corked inside of me.
"Yuki, I love.... you."
/ From the scene with you in it, taking a step forward, /
/ I start to walk, without looking back anymore. /
"Touya, wake up. It's time to go."
I slowly opened my eyes only to see my father standing over me. I glanced at the clock. 5 o'clock. I must have gotten no sleep yesterday night. I couldn't remember what happened exactly. It was.. such a blur now. It was then, too. After I had told him the words I've been wanting to say, everything went black, as if I was knocked out, unconscious. I nodded to my dad and watched him leave the room. I was still in my jeans and t-shirt. It had dried overnight, I suppose. The window revealed a dark, gloomy dawn arising. With no objection, I stood up and fixed my hair. It looked a mess. Not that I cared, though. I walked to the kitchen, or what was our kitchen, and saw Sakura and dad sitting to a store bought breakfast. Our refrigerator had been moved as well, I guess. I seated myself and began to eat. The food tasted terrible, but I said nothing. Sakura was quiet, for once. I suppose leaving her friends was difficult, too. I, on the other hand, really didn't have many friends, or anything else for that matter, to leave. Except Yuki.
"We're going to leave at six or so. We'll be taking the train, so it should be faster. " Fujitaka informed. He didn't look too good, either. Perhaps it was hard for him, as well. Selfish me, thinking I'm the only one who had a life here. Otousan was probably doing this to support us. Sakura was leaving her school and best friends. Sakura nodded at our father's words. I kept still and silent. On impulse, I pushed my chair back and stood up.
"I'm going to go do something before we leave. I'm not hungry anyway." I said. I turned my back, not even waiting for an answer from them, and left. They said nothing anyway. I suppose they understood. My hands fidgeted in my pocket, wrestling with the photograph of memories.
/ The sigh after you turned your back on me, /
/ is it all right to make that a memory of our time spent together as well? /
I seemed to have wandered all the way to the train station. I hadn't meant to, though, I really didn't know where my destination was when I first left the house. I starred at my watch. Five-thirty. Sakura and Otousan should be getting here in thirty minutes. I starred at passengers come on and off of the train, marionette-like as they stepped off and on in unison. I seemed to have been paying more attention to the passengers than anything else near me, for a voice perked me up.
"To-ya!!" I starred around. Who else could that have been? I searched frantically for the owner of the voice, but found no one. Now I'm hallucinating.
"To-ya!!" Again, I heard it. This, time, it was closer. As I jerked my head to the right, I saw him.
"... Y-Yuki." I said on impulse. He wandered over to me.
"To-ya.. I can't .. I can't let you leave. Yesterday night, I didn't mean to ... to leave like that." He said in apology. Now, I remembered what happened. I had confessed my feelings and he suddenly had to be home by eleven o'clock. I knew he was frightened. I was, as well. I just didn't want to let it overcome me.
"To-ya.. I've always thought of you as my best friend. But, yesterday, when you told me... how you thought of me... it sparked something inside of me." Yukito said, "It made me... realize... that the feeling ... is mutual."
/ Roads lead into the future, however far, /
/ the warm winds will be blowing in there. /
I could feel the heat rise to my head. My thoughts spun like webs inside my mind.
"Yuki ... " I started. I didn't know how to finish my sentence, though. I just needed to break the eerie silence. He had just told me he felt the same. What was I to do? I stood in shock from his words. I must have looked like an idiot. Passersby didn't notice us; they seemed to busy with their own lives. For a while, a long while, actually, we just stood, starring at each other. My eyes gazed into his. They were pouring with sincerity. Everything he had said was true. I ignored all the aches and pains of my body from the other night. He finally said something as he noticed I wouldn't.
"To-ya, I .. love .. " He starred at me for a second, ".. you." That was enough for me. A sudden smile spread onto my lips. It was only a slight smile, but a smile nonetheless.
"Yukito-san!!" I spun around. Sakura and my father had arrived.
"Sakura-chan, how are you? You're leaving now, aren't you?" Yukito asked as he kneeled down to Sakura's height. I looked to my father.
"Touya, you didn't tell me you were coming here. We looked for you." He said.
"Oh, sorry about that." I replied.
"Yukito-san, I'm going to write to you." Sakura said.
"I will, too." Yukito assured.
"It's six o'clock. We'd better be going." Dad said. Sakura hugged Yukito and followed Otousan to the train. I looked at Yuki.
"Yuki .. I'm.. " I started.
"I'll miss you, too, To-ya." He said.
"I wish this could be different." I suddenly said, "This is unbearable.. "
"I know." He replied. I remembered something. I quickly reached into my pocket and pulled out the picture.
"Here. Keep this." I said as I handed it over to him. He starred at it for a while, a beam gently overcoming the frown he had.
"To-ya... " He began.
"Maybe we'll get to go again someday." I said. He nodded.
The train whistle blew.
/ Even though I still don't understand the meaning of "eternity," /
/ something starts anew when it becomes memories. /
"Touya!" Dad shouted through the window of the train, "The train's leaving in five minutes!"
"To-ya, you'd better-" Yuki started. I nodded to him, my voice mute. I started towards the train, not looking back. As I looked out of the window from my seat at him, he smiled. I kept down the urge to run out of the train and say good-bye to him. I watched his hand go up into a slight wave. Then, after a while, I noticed that it was more of a gesture for me to lower the window. As I did, I realized that he had run up as close to my window as was permitted.
"Wasurenai ja nai." He said. "Boku-tachi no koto."
I nodded.
With the final train whistle, I watched as we inched away from him. He stood, in silence, looking back at me with that indescribable smile. An odd premonition graced me; with the illumination of a breaking dawn and memorable visions promenading through the azure sky. I glanced back at the station, with not a sight of a soul, but to me, he'll always be there, waiting in an aura of silence followed by the mesmerizing smile that only he obtained.
/ Even though my heart hurts from the wound of farewell,
/ I now want to believe in a new encounter. /
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This fanfic is dedicated to the victims who lost their precious lives on 9.11.01 and to their families and friends who grieve for their beloved. America's tears fall for you.
- Syaoran No Ichiban Aikousha -
Dictionary:
Itadakimasu - Said before eating
Wasurenai ja nai - Don't forget
Boku-tachi no koto - About us