Disclaimer: I did not invent these characters or
their setting. Everything in this
story belongs to J.K. Rowling. (To
whom I apologize profusely) Closing words from the Nine Inch Nails song 'perfect
drug' (don't worry folks, NOT a song fic, I repeat…)
Note: well, I've been
knocking this idea around for a while now…and I figured I better get it
over and done with before school starts, if you know what I mean….anyway,
enjoy!
* * * *
He had never noticed
someone in that way before, and now, he had it so bad, his mouth watered at
scarcely a glance of her bare legs. God, he wanted her. And this was
not some mere insipid crush; this was a heart rushing, breath straining,
blood-pounding, passionate feeling, that made him ache in ways he at first
found quite horrifying. And, miserably, to make matter worse…he utterly
despised the sight of her face.
She seemed too
perfect. That was it, her
hands. Those smooth, creamy hands,
with their blue nail polish. He wanted to take their softness in his grasp, and
break the long graceful fingers. Burn them. See her green
eyes turn moist and shine with tears…
"Severus,
how much of the potion are we going to need to pass?" Asked a seventeen-year old Lucius
Malfoy pensively.
What would her scream sound like?
Severus stared
hopelessly across the room towards Gryffindor table, he had been expecting this
for a while now: Their potions assignment was to create a properly functioning
polyjuice potion. The projects
would be due soon.
"Hello? You
in there?" Lucius waved his
hand obnoxiously in front of Severus's blank gaze. He knew his peer was not a morning
person.
Irritated,
Severus snapped his attention at Lucius.
"What
if I tell you I can't spare any?" He poked at his breakfast, annoyed with himself for always
doing other peoples homework.
"I
don't think you'll want to find out." Replied Lucius softly; then, noticing,
that as usual, his threat was having no great effect on Severus, turned and
fell dramatically to his knees beside the table.
"Oh come on
man! I always pay you the
best! I just need enough for one
dose; can't you spare me a little? Please, I was doing everything perfectly until last night…and
that-- that's record, you know," he added righteously.
Severus
rolled his eyes. "You snuck
out last night and went on a date with that slut. You could have stayed in and saved yourself a lot of money."
"Ah…but
money is something I have a lot of! Nice to see we're getting
somewhere, buddy!" exclaimed Lucius, draping an arm over Severus's
shoulder.
Severus
made a face and removed the arm.
"Hey,
loosen up, you're not going to get any ladies if you're stiff like
a corpse all the time." Lucius
looked hard at Severus, a new expression crossed his face. "Say…when was the last time you had a date?"
"Does
it matter? Is my answer going to
change the course of your life? Why are you suddenly scrutinizing me about girls?" Severus
demanded, a touch too abruptly. He
glared at Lucius. Lucius started
laughing at him.
He licked his lips
and asked: "But do you like anyone?"
Severus
bowed his head; "you see the red head over there? In Gryffindor?"
He muttered through his teeth.
Lucius
scanned the table. "Wh—do you mean Lily Evans?"
Severus
nodded quickly, his face turned scarlet. The first time she'd caught him staring she'd burst out
laughing and refused to tell anyone why.
Oh! How unspeakably funny, Severus Snape likes you. Hah…hah.
The truth was, he
didn't like her. He hated her: She was one of those people who didn't seem real. There was a sort
of eerie contentment about her that put his nerves on end. The way she walked; softly, gracefully,
as if on water…
--But
hey, he'd never get closer than
five feet.
"Damn
it! He's staring at you
again!" whispered Monica loudly, snickering through her nose on the other
side of the room. Lily smiled
tiredly.
"I
know, I know…I hope for his sake he gets over this soon."
"His sake? What about your sake?
Suppose he actually asks you out!" Monica covered her mouth and nose to prevent more laughter from
escaping.
Lily
smirked sharply, "oh come now, do you honestly think he would?
…Look at me—now look at him."
A
hiccup of air hissed out from behind Monica's tightly clapped hand. "Ah…well, he's looking at you!"
Lily
primly pushed some stray hair behind her left ear, and looked mischievously
over at Severus. He was no longer
staring. "I'm going to
ask him out," she said. Monica gagged.
Later that same
day, after classes, Severus was alone in the library, when he heard quiet
footsteps approaching. Someone
was humming.
"Hey
Stranger," purred a voice behind him. Hastily, he jammed the copy of 'Nosferatu' he
was reading back into the shelf and turned to face the speaker.
"Lily?"
"What were
you looking at?" she asked innocently, searching the shelves in front of
him.
"Ehhh….
never mind," he said, peering around; trying to see what Lily was doing
there.
"I saw you
looking at me this morning," she told him, stepping nearer.
"I was
not."
Lily grinned, like
something about this was too funny for her, "yeah, you were."
"Why would I
be? You're annoying."
Lilly tilted her
head and twisted a tendril of hair coquettishly around her index finger. "But I'm pretty."
"And so modest. What do you want, Evans?"
"You're
failing Charms, Severus. How about
I give you a little lesson?"
His jaw
dropped. "You're
kidding right? This is
joke." The corner of
Lily's mouth quirked,
"I
don't want you to fail Charms! That's an awful thing to say."
"Oh my
God!" Severus breathed, backing away.
"You know,
you're almost cute when you look dumbfounded."
"Shut-up!"
He cried, blushing madly.
"So, how
about nine…tonight?"
He could feel his
heart beating very quickly thump! thump! Thump! He swallowed and nodded,
wordless. What about
James? Lily smiled her sharp smile, and waved as she vanished
behind a maze of bookshelves. That
elegant hand of hers would never be the same if it got broken. Severus let all his breath out in one
shivering sigh.
She was teasing him. How cruel—and he'd barely spoken two words to her in nearly
seven years. Now she would
probably get James Potter in on it, and humiliate him beyond his worst
nightmare …or no, wait, they'd need Sirius Black to help pull that
off. Oh well, no worries there. And yet, he felt his anxieties dissipating. He really didn't care: He'd
sneered at so many other heart brake cases, laughed at enough declarations of
love, and now, it was his turn to be reduced to an idiot.
So be it. Agony
was just part of the package, what more could someone like him hope for in
love? Severus began to pace,
and slowly, carefully, began to paint himself into a grand masterpiece of delusions.
It was not a dark
night. The moon was waxing and
half full, the stars were bright and clouds thin. In the middle of the Hogwarts quidditch field, lay two
people: One with long ringlets the colour of a smoggy sunset, and the other
with black hair that needed washing.
"That's
mine, right there," said the former, pointing to Capricorn in the
sky. "Where's
yours?"
Her company
shrugged. "I don't
know…I don't think you can see it right now…I dropped
divination years ago."
"Aw,
you're no fun…divination is a bird coarse, everyone knows
that."
"I know, and
I couldn't even fill the minimum requirement."
"What would
that be?"
"Staying
awake."
The two laughed
and threw grass at each other over some small joke. Then one suddenly stopped, and looked up into the
night. "What's the
matter?" Asked the other, sobering
abruptly.
"Nevermind,
I forgot."
Soon, the couple
parted, "can I see you again?" called Severus after Lily's
retreating back.
"Yeah,
okay…how's the night after tomorrow's?" she replied,
waving goodbye in the moonlight.
Back in his dorm
bed, Severus was filled with a sort of melancholy. A helpless feeling, that he couldn't put his finger
on. If he'd known the name,
he might have felt better. But
slowly, that emotion was replaced with another: fear.
He tossed and
turned in his bed, while shafts of moonlight fell on the floor, barring him
from sleep. Things prickled down his spine and
shoulders, on his legs and over the backs of his hands. Like insects skittering
across his body. Several times a
night he threw off his tangled covers, just to make sure there really was
nothing crawling on him.
The next day, was
a bad day. But it started out nice:
with a dark blue sky, bright sunshine, and the slightly buzzed feeling that
came from having a first date. Lucius
even gave him a little something of a down payment on the polyjuice
potion.
Severus daydreamed
his way through classes, thinking about Lily with moonlight in her sweet
smelling hair, while doodling pictures of the electric chair at different
angles. Muggle capital punishment
was quite fascinating, really. He
thought about what Lily would look like, sitting on that chair, with its metal
cap on her head. Just before the
electrical currents made her jolt, and jolt, and jolt… A guilty cramp, like lump of cold, smooth
metal wound it's way into his stomach. Bad thoughts.
It wasn't
until after classes though, when Severus was starting to feel unbearably smug,
that he heard two familiar voices, talking quietly:
"I love
you," said one.
Love? Severus smirked and continued listening from behind
a corner; this should be good.
"Do
you? You told me that before, I
don't know if you mean it."
"I do. I would rather die than loose
you."
A short laugh,
"do you have any idea how corny that sounds, James?"
"Yeah…forgive
me…but you want corny? I
memorized some Shakespeare for you!"
"Ohh, you
did?" a mixture of sarcasm and genuine emotion. "What?"
"One of
Hamlet's speeches."
"Why?" The voice carried a wrinkle of confusion and disappointment.
"Kidding!" Said James brightly, "it was one
of his sonnets."
"Alright…let's
hear it."
"Ahem,"
he started with dramatic flair,
"Let me
not to the marriage of true minds
Admit
impediments. Love is not love
Which alters
when it alteration finds
Or bends with
the remover to remove.
O, no! It is an ever-fixed mark that…that—er …"
Severus heard the sound of
paper being unfolded. James
continued with more confidence, and less drama.
"That
looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star
to every wand'ring bark
Whose
worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's
not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his
bending sickle's compass come;
Love alters not
with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it
out, even to the edge of doom…"
James broke off. There was the
sound of a kiss. Love? He's talking to her about love,
how dare he! Another kiss. Severus turned the corner and walked right past them, not
even glancing at the interlocked pair. Lily screamed.
Love, yeah right.
That night,
Severus lay in bed, eyes open, stiff with mortal fear. He kept hearing
Lily's scream. Was she
scared of him? You idiot. He thought,
and squeezed his eyes shut—started doing times tables.
17x2=34
17x3=51 17x4=68 17x5=85…
It got very dark in that room. And quiet, so you
couldn't hear people breathing...Severus often wondered if Someone
hadn't quietly suffocated all the others. And he wondered if they were just standing over his bed,
waiting to kill him too. He
didn't move. He forced
himself to breathe quietly and slowly. Kept his eyes closed tight. The sheets clung to him, hot and itchy, while his feet in contrast, were
freezing. He lay like that for
hours, waiting for sleep.
Love alters not
with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it
out, even to the edge of doom…
Most
of the next day, Severus spent trying to avoid the two 'lovers'…
and then he remembered he had to see Lily. At first he decided not to go, after all, she was probably going to stand him up. But,
gradually, the desire to see her overrode all his other senses of the
situation, and he showed up:
"Severus…about
yesterday, well…" Lily began, looking lovely and slightly
nervous.
"Well,
what?"
"Look…I
think I love him…we're going to be serious, you know, and give it a
try, he says he's going to surprise me tomorrow night," she eyed Severus,
waiting for a reaction. He thought
he was going to be sick.
"He
recited you half a poem, half goddamn
poem and you're in love?" He felt a bit feverish. Like when he lay sleepless in bed,
twisted in mass of sweaty sheets. His pulse hammered in his ears.
"He
loves me, I don't care about the
poem."
Severus
jerked the collar of his shirt violently and looked at the stone floor. They were in the great hall, and pale
moonbeams flittered through the stained glass windows.
"Does
he? Does he really?" he fixed his eyes on her darkly, voice
rising and sounding strained, he continued: "What is so wonderful about James Potter? Why
is he such a saint? How do you
know he loves you so bad? Is he THAT special? IS HE SO MUCH BETTER THAN EVERYONE
ELSE? IS HE!?"
Lily
put to head to one side, and stepped away from him, her face apathetic. "Goodnight," she replied
coolly, and began walking away, as if on water.
"LILY! NO –WAIT! I'M SORRY!" He tried to follow, but the ground
lurched dizzily under his feet. He
was going to be sick.
He grabbed a chair
and sat down. In the silence of
the immense room he yanked at his shirt again. A stifling, despairing sort of hate began to fill him like
slow poison. He thought it was
love.
That night Severus
fell asleep at the table; he woke up the next morning sore, and unable to think
about anything other than killing James, and putting Lilly through has much
pain as possible.
Hang the saint upside down for hours, hit him over the head with
his quidditch broom, and then, finally, blow his swollen head off with a
combustion spell. A martyr for the
Happy Shiny people. Marvelous.
There would be a big mess; so Severus would need gloves.
Maybe he would
even tape the thing on a cassette, and play it back to Lily. She'd be tied up and start to
cry. He'd move towards her:
Oddly, he knew he still wanted her. Though, not in quite the same way. His desire had increased, and darkened; he wanted violence, and pain,
and to make her go jolt! Jolt! Jolt! Fuck her, make her nauseated, make her
scream, make her want to die… Oh god no!
Severus
rolled off his chair and fell helplessly to the floor of professor
McGonagall's classroom. He
was in transfiguration? How'd he get there?
A
thin sheen of sweat had broken out his forehead and he was breathing heavily. "Sick, professor, feel so
sick," he groaned. McGonagall asked him something, to which he could not reply. Someone
pulled him to his feet.
"Take
him to the medical wing, Malfoy," he heard McGonagall say. Still gasping for breath, Severus found
himself being led out of the classroom by Lucius.
The
door clicked shut behind them. "This wouldn't have anything to do with Evans, would
it?" asked Lucius. Severus
nodded, rubbing his chest.
"How
did you know?"
Lucius
stared blankly. "The whole
school knows, Severus. Potter is rather well liked, so's Evans…honestly
man," he shakes his head at Severus. "You seemed out of it this morning, but god…"
"I
hate them. I hate them,"
Severus ran a hand through his hair. He stared at the lines in his open palm, agitated. Gently he squeezed the hand into a
fist.
Lucius
watched him cautiously. "Aw,
look, it's not a big deal. Girls
are all foolish; get another one. You
shouldn't care about them too much, it's not worth it."
"I
want to kill James."
"What? Did you just hear what I said? It is not worth loosing your head over
some tiny little heart break."
Severus
glared at Lucius. "Heart
broken? Did you just say I was heart
broken?" His tone was sharp, but voice like velvet. "I AM NOT HEART
BROKEN!" he snapped, the looks exchanged between Lily and James in class,
racing through his mind.
"Give
it some time, Snape. Think about
it! You might regret your
actions!" called Lucius, his mouth smirking slightly inspite of himself.
"You
watch your mouth, and I'll watch your potion until tomorrow,"
replied Severus, his voice already faint from down the hallway. And then an idea hit him.
It sparked in his
mind like a flame, making his soul shiver hotly, fearful of being burned. The polyjuice potion…and James
going to surprise her… Severus
couldn't have planned it more perfectly, and it had been right there, in
front of his face the whole time.
"Potter,
walk with me?"
James looked away
from the library shelf in surprise. "Snape, hey…alright."
-To be Continued-
* * * *
Note: Thanks for reading ;0) and…Ohh, look, look! A cliff
hanger! Whow! And don't
worry, if you think this is very long, it's almost over. (ominous music,
please…)
By
the way… all out there who want to see Lily do matrix moves on Snape,
raise your hands ;0) --not that it'll
make a hoot of difference. (louder ominous music) Please review.
