Disclaimer: I do not own these characters…I already did a disclaimer, but I'm doing one again out of reverence of J.K. Rowling (plus, I'd be dead if she wanted to sue)
Note: this is it. The end, please enjoy.
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"Potter, walk with me?"
James looked away from the library shelf in surprise. "Snape, hey…alright."
They left in silence. "So…what did you want to talk about?" asked James, a little shocked by his company.
"Lily. Do you have any idea how lucky you are?" said Severus, incapable of keeping a resentful bite out of his voice.
James looked at him and almost smiled. "Yeah, I know…every morning I wake up thinking about her." He hesitated, and plunged on, "I heard that you… you wanted to have something with her too?"
Severus nodded slightly.
"I was just going to meet her tonight, by that tree, on the lake? I saw this, and I knew she'd like it," James pulled out a leather box and opened it, showing Severus a black choker with a silver sakura flower fastened to it's center.
Severus made a vague noise, the dull gleam of the flower hitting his eyes like a splinter.
"Well, I love her," continued James. "Cheesy as it sounds, it's not really so romantic a thing though…not like in the books or movies, you see." He became more thoughtful as he spoke, " I want to marry her some day—I know, I'm still young, but I want to share my life with her."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"What?" James's expression changed.
"I said, I'm sorry to hear that," repeated Severus with the same abruptness, pointing his wand at James.
"Are you sure you want to do that?" asked James.
A storm of confusion filled Severus. What the hell was he doing? What was he getting himself into? God…
"Stupefy!" his voice sounded far off, like a recording; James, who'd started for his own wand fell to the floor in a heap. Severus picked him, draped a limp arm over his shoulder, and threw James—not quite roughly to the floor of an empty classroom. He took off James's glasses and found the box containing the choker. He pulled out a hair as well.
Severus then put a locking charm on the door and hurried off to the potions room, where he found his cauldron smoking along with thirty others. They would be due the next day.
He took a deep breath and ladled himself a dose. He had one hour. The potion hissed and turned a dark red as Severus dropped the hair in.
His heart began to race and wave of nausea passed over Severus-- it just looked so much like blood. Screwing up his face, he downed the whole thing in one gulp. It tasted awful.
Instantly, a sharp pain shot up through his middle, Severus stumbled and fell weakly against a wall, his entire body searing as if it was on fire. He moaned, terrified he'd done something wrong. With a start, he noticed his fingers, and the rest of his skin; he watched with faint horror as it bubbled and congealed like boiling soup. He was going to scream –Oh god don't scream! Severus sank to the floor, gagging and holding his melting body; simply praying it would stop...
And then it did. He was about an inch shorter, and his skin much pinker. There were calluses on his fingers, from quidditch, and the whole room was out of focus. He found the glasses he had taken from James, and put them on.
Shakily, Severus pulled himself off the ground, and checked his watch; he had an hour. An hour to be James: an hour free of teasing, to be good, and better looking, and of course, to have Lily. He had to laugh, just had to. It was funny.
Five minutes later, he crossed the grounds outside Hogwarts and saw Lily, sitting with her back against a graceful birch tree. The sun was nearly set, and the forbidden forest was silhouetted purple and black against a flame-orange sky.
He moved up behind her silently, and threw an arm over her eyes. Lily screamed, and Severus felt a shiver run through her. "Boo." He heard James say. Lily relaxed.
"Hey stranger, you surprised me," she laughed, her face soft and silky to the inside of his hand.
"I've got something for you."
"Ooh! What is it? What is it?" cried Lily, holding out her hands in mock greed.
Severus placed the leather box into her expecting grasp and took his arm away. Lily opened the box with and snap, and stared at the choker. "It's gorgeous…oh James, thank-you, thank you," she said, looking deep into his eyes with an expression so warm, Severus smiled, despite the James part. Lily took her present out of the box and put it on, centering the flower with a deft pull. As she did so, the metallic petals caught a last ray of daylight, for a second, Severus saw the glow in James's eyes when he talked about Lily.
Very suddenly, he felt her mouth on his. He was almost eighteen years old, and he'd never been kissed. Never, not once. He thought he was going to melt. No, not like with the polyjuice potion, but slowly, and smoothly. He could feel her warmth in the increasing cold of the evening, her breasts against what was almost his chest, and taste peppermint in her mouth.
But then he felt himself locked out. Locked out of this perfect scene, and wanting, wanting desperately in. It was James and Lily together, and no matter what he did, he would always loose. Dragged away and alone again, his mind surged back through all the many dark nights he'd spent sleepless at Hogwarts, made almost physically ill from homesickness. A young boy, refusing to cry, refusing to need friends, refusing to care. Aching for comfort.
And now, as he looked at this lithe creature pressed into him through enemy's eyes, he realized he'd never been in love. Never. He hated her, with all his heart and soul.
Severus reached around her neck, and tore off the choker. Lily stopped immediately and stared at him. "What the matter with you?" she demanded.
Severus did not reply, but moved to kiss her again. She stuck out an arm to stop him, "answer me."
Again, he did not. But this time he grabbed her delicate shoulders and slammed her into the ground. He moved onto her. Lily's eyes widened, "oh don't do this, James. I love you, don't do this, I'm not ready…" every muscle in her body tensed.
"I've wanted this so badly, and trust me-- love has nothing to do with it," he whispered breathlessly, unbuttoning her shirt.
Lily opened her mouth to scream, but Severus stifled it with a hand. His heart was pounding so hard it hurt. Thump-thump-thump. He didn't want to do this. He was scared. You idiot! He was going to regret this later.
Strangely, Lily relaxed under him. He took his hand away from her mouth, hoping against common sense she wouldn't scream again. "James, I'll do this thing for you. It will be the last thing we ever do together, but I'll do it…because you want it so, and I love you, James…"
Severus pulled away from her like she'd shown him a bomb. "Don't say that."
"It's okay, James."
"Stop that." He stood up and began backing away towards the school.
"But James--"
"Ughh!" An odd sensation began prickling all over his body. His hour was up. He'd ruined everything.
"James?!"
"SHUT UP! SHUT UP YOU BITCH!" He ran faster than he ever had, and ever would in his entire life, at that moment. He pulled off the glasses he'd stolen, no longer needing them anymore. He wanted to scream, to vomit, he wanted to be hit hard and loose consciousness. He couldn't believe what he'd almost done.
Severus
lurched through the doors of Hogwarts, and found himself standing face to face
with Headmaster Dumbledore, and James Potter. Oh god…
i
come along but i don't know where you're taking me
i shouldn't go but you're reaching, dragging, shaking me
turn off the sun, pull the stars from the sky
the more i give
to you, the more i die
and i want you
and i want you
and i want you
and i want you
you are the perfect drug…
-Finis-
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Note: Yay! It's done ;0) thanks for reading! Not as bad as it was starting to look…And so sad….*sniff sniff* Oh but, Snidgey, don't worry about Snape—he can take care of himself. (as I trust you know)
thanks to all you people who reviewed ;0) this was my nervous wreck fic i wrote 10 hours before going back to school. i did my best considering the state of mind i was in. Please review, i know im rambling, so sorry...Snape wanted to go through with it, i tell you, he did...but then, well...i dunno...the L word did something horrid to him. Ick. Again, please review. and thanks! Oh and, if you picked this up on author alert already, I'm really sorry ^^; ff.net was crashing everytime I tried to upload so, I'm playing it safe