Sailor Senshi Deathmatch
Episode 3: Tuxedo Kamen vs. Barney the Purple Dinosaur
By Fire Angel & Satan's Angel
Disclaimer: None of the characters in this deathmatch belong to us. So don't go trying to sue us
because… well, just don't. We know we said all that crap before, but… oh well. We don't give a
damn, and neither should you! Have fun, and enjoy life! By the way, we think Barney is pathetic
and neither of us watch it, so we had to do this as a one-on-one battle; the only character we
know is Barney! Ja ne!
Haruka: Yo. Welcome to episode three of Sailor Senshi Deathmatch, the show where our favourite
female warriors kick ass. I'm Teno'u Haruka, also known as the magnificent Sailor Uranus,
protector of the sky. I'm your commentator for today, and our guest commentator is Mister Happy,
who most unfortunately has been re-incarnated from the first episode by Fire Angel to piss
everyone off.
Narrator: Hellooooooooooo, everybody! I'm alive again, and it's soooooooo nice to see you all
smiling! Oh… you're frowning now… umm… but anyway, with the Teletubsters all deceased, I've
become a heeee-uge fan of Barney! Don't ya all love Barney, kids?!
Haruka: Oooooo-kay. Well, now that you've gotten that out of your system, let's introduce today's
warriors! On the side of the Sailor Senshi, we have the magnificent warrior of the night. The
awesome, the cool, the super-powerful, the majestic, the awfully hot… please don't kill me
Michiru… Tuxedo Kamen!
*In the audience, Michiru glowers as Tux walks into the arena*
Kamen: Konnichiwa, minna! Haruka… you think I'm hot?
Haruka: Umm… *sweatdrop* did I say that? Cause I don't think I said that… I think you're
imagining things… umm… what about the contestant from your side, Overly Cheerful Man?
Narrator: On the side of… the opponents, we have the… the… super-cool… the uh… really big and
purple… dinosaur person… Barney the Purple Dinosaur!
Barney: Hello, boys and girls! How are we today?
Audience: *extremely loud booing noises*
From the audience… Zell Dincht (Final Fantasy 8): Booooooooo! I hate any type of dinosaur…
especially those damned T-Rexuars… oooohh! That cute girl over there is selling hot dogs! Balamb
hot dogs! I loooooooove hot dogs!
Barney: Are you booing me, boys and girls?
Zell: Well, duh. OF COURSE WE ARE, YOU DINOSAUR NIT-WIT!
Barney: *bursts into tears*
Narrator: Zell, how could you?! You made poor old Barney cry!
Haruka: Can we just get on with this?
!!DING!!
Barney: *standing up* Excuse me, mister Cloaked-ed Mask…
Kamen: It's Tuxedo Kamen.
Barney: Oh… uh… Tuxedo C-c-c-carmen… can we just be friends? It's easier to be friends than to
fight. See? *singing* I love you, you love me, we're a happy…
Haruka: With a simple flick of his wrist, Tuxedo Kamen delivers a rose right into Barney's left
eye. Ouch, dudes. That's gotta hurt.
Narrator: Oh NO! BARNEY'S HURT! Oh, poor Barney is hurt… there's blood gushing out of his eye… oh
this is awful!
Haruka: Oh. There goes another rose! Straight into the other eye! Tuxedo Kamen-sama is showing no
mercy this evening, folks!
Narrator: BAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
From god knows where up above… Fire Angel: Yo, Satan's Angel. Is it just me, or is
Mister-happy-go-lucky-narrator-dude really getting annoying?
From god knows where down below… Satan's Angel: This never woulda happened if you hadn't been
Miss Nice and decided to bring him back to life. I warned you, but you don't listen to me, do
you? No, uh uh!
Narrator: Shut up you two! Barney's DYING!
Satan's Angel: Did you just tell me to shut up? Did YOU just tell ME to SHUT UP? Shut this up,
you fucking wanker.
Haruka: Well, it looks like I'm the only commentator now. A huge pitchfork just came smashing
through the glass of the commentator's booth to pierce Happy through the heart. Ohh… how sad.
Satan's Angel: Bring him back to life, Rinny, and I'll shoot you.
Fire Angel: Well SO-REE.
Haruka: Can we PLEASE get on with this? I'm enjoying the bloodshed.
From the audience… Kaiou Michiru: Fine then, Haruka. First you say Mamoru-sama is cute and now
you're enjoying bloodshed? You're dumped.
Haruka: Dammit!
Barney: Oh my goodness, boys and girls! The commentator is a homosexual! That's against the rules
of being good little boys and girls!
Haruka: Shut up!
Kamen: Shouldn't you be dead? You're bleeding from both eyes!
Barney: I'm a dinosaur, you dickhead. Do you think poking me with a rose is going to kill me off?
From the audience… Relm Arrowny (Final Fantasy 6): *gasps* Barney said a naughty word!?
From the audience… Eiko Carol (Final Fantasy 9): Barney is a very naughty dinosaur! He said a
naughty word!
From the audience… Chibi-Chibi: Chibi chibi chibi chibi!
From the audience… Translator: Translation. Let's all go kill Barney!
From the audience… Chibi-Usa: Yeah! Let's all go kill Barney! Because Barney said a naughty word!
All the children: Barney said a naughty word!
Haruka: And from the audience, Relm Arrowny, Chibi-Usa, Chibi-Chibi and Eiko Carol are running to
attack Barney, with all the little kids backing them up. As they pound into him in a furious
stampede, Tuxedo Kamen lunges with a dagger at Barney… hang on, where'd he get the dagger from?!
Kamen: Barney had it.
Relm: *gasps* Barney had a dagger!?
Eiko: Barney is a very naughty dinosaur! He had a dagger!
Chibi-Chibi: Chibi chibi chibi chibi!
Translator: Translation. Let's stab Barney until there's blood all over the ground!
Chibi-Usa: KIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!
Haruka: Oh my god, this is gruesome and utterly horrifying. At the moment, the kids… oh, yuck…
they just ripped out his heart and Tuxedo Kamen is holding it up like a trophy… oh this is
disgusting… oh yuck.
Kamen: I WON! I am the KING! I ROCK!
Haruka: Well… err… it looks like Barney the ridiculously purple dinosaur has been defeated in a
gruesome, disgusting battle to the death. Frankly, I'd like to say I'm glad we don't have to deal
with him anymore. Tune in next week for Sailor Senshi Deathmatch Episode Four, to see the new
opponents for our senshi. Ja mata!
Episode 3: Tuxedo Kamen vs. Barney the Purple Dinosaur
By Fire Angel & Satan's Angel
Disclaimer: None of the characters in this deathmatch belong to us. So don't go trying to sue us
because… well, just don't. We know we said all that crap before, but… oh well. We don't give a
damn, and neither should you! Have fun, and enjoy life! By the way, we think Barney is pathetic
and neither of us watch it, so we had to do this as a one-on-one battle; the only character we
know is Barney! Ja ne!
Haruka: Yo. Welcome to episode three of Sailor Senshi Deathmatch, the show where our favourite
female warriors kick ass. I'm Teno'u Haruka, also known as the magnificent Sailor Uranus,
protector of the sky. I'm your commentator for today, and our guest commentator is Mister Happy,
who most unfortunately has been re-incarnated from the first episode by Fire Angel to piss
everyone off.
Narrator: Hellooooooooooo, everybody! I'm alive again, and it's soooooooo nice to see you all
smiling! Oh… you're frowning now… umm… but anyway, with the Teletubsters all deceased, I've
become a heeee-uge fan of Barney! Don't ya all love Barney, kids?!
Haruka: Oooooo-kay. Well, now that you've gotten that out of your system, let's introduce today's
warriors! On the side of the Sailor Senshi, we have the magnificent warrior of the night. The
awesome, the cool, the super-powerful, the majestic, the awfully hot… please don't kill me
Michiru… Tuxedo Kamen!
*In the audience, Michiru glowers as Tux walks into the arena*
Kamen: Konnichiwa, minna! Haruka… you think I'm hot?
Haruka: Umm… *sweatdrop* did I say that? Cause I don't think I said that… I think you're
imagining things… umm… what about the contestant from your side, Overly Cheerful Man?
Narrator: On the side of… the opponents, we have the… the… super-cool… the uh… really big and
purple… dinosaur person… Barney the Purple Dinosaur!
Barney: Hello, boys and girls! How are we today?
Audience: *extremely loud booing noises*
From the audience… Zell Dincht (Final Fantasy 8): Booooooooo! I hate any type of dinosaur…
especially those damned T-Rexuars… oooohh! That cute girl over there is selling hot dogs! Balamb
hot dogs! I loooooooove hot dogs!
Barney: Are you booing me, boys and girls?
Zell: Well, duh. OF COURSE WE ARE, YOU DINOSAUR NIT-WIT!
Barney: *bursts into tears*
Narrator: Zell, how could you?! You made poor old Barney cry!
Haruka: Can we just get on with this?
!!DING!!
Barney: *standing up* Excuse me, mister Cloaked-ed Mask…
Kamen: It's Tuxedo Kamen.
Barney: Oh… uh… Tuxedo C-c-c-carmen… can we just be friends? It's easier to be friends than to
fight. See? *singing* I love you, you love me, we're a happy…
Haruka: With a simple flick of his wrist, Tuxedo Kamen delivers a rose right into Barney's left
eye. Ouch, dudes. That's gotta hurt.
Narrator: Oh NO! BARNEY'S HURT! Oh, poor Barney is hurt… there's blood gushing out of his eye… oh
this is awful!
Haruka: Oh. There goes another rose! Straight into the other eye! Tuxedo Kamen-sama is showing no
mercy this evening, folks!
Narrator: BAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
From god knows where up above… Fire Angel: Yo, Satan's Angel. Is it just me, or is
Mister-happy-go-lucky-narrator-dude really getting annoying?
From god knows where down below… Satan's Angel: This never woulda happened if you hadn't been
Miss Nice and decided to bring him back to life. I warned you, but you don't listen to me, do
you? No, uh uh!
Narrator: Shut up you two! Barney's DYING!
Satan's Angel: Did you just tell me to shut up? Did YOU just tell ME to SHUT UP? Shut this up,
you fucking wanker.
Haruka: Well, it looks like I'm the only commentator now. A huge pitchfork just came smashing
through the glass of the commentator's booth to pierce Happy through the heart. Ohh… how sad.
Satan's Angel: Bring him back to life, Rinny, and I'll shoot you.
Fire Angel: Well SO-REE.
Haruka: Can we PLEASE get on with this? I'm enjoying the bloodshed.
From the audience… Kaiou Michiru: Fine then, Haruka. First you say Mamoru-sama is cute and now
you're enjoying bloodshed? You're dumped.
Haruka: Dammit!
Barney: Oh my goodness, boys and girls! The commentator is a homosexual! That's against the rules
of being good little boys and girls!
Haruka: Shut up!
Kamen: Shouldn't you be dead? You're bleeding from both eyes!
Barney: I'm a dinosaur, you dickhead. Do you think poking me with a rose is going to kill me off?
From the audience… Relm Arrowny (Final Fantasy 6): *gasps* Barney said a naughty word!?
From the audience… Eiko Carol (Final Fantasy 9): Barney is a very naughty dinosaur! He said a
naughty word!
From the audience… Chibi-Chibi: Chibi chibi chibi chibi!
From the audience… Translator: Translation. Let's all go kill Barney!
From the audience… Chibi-Usa: Yeah! Let's all go kill Barney! Because Barney said a naughty word!
All the children: Barney said a naughty word!
Haruka: And from the audience, Relm Arrowny, Chibi-Usa, Chibi-Chibi and Eiko Carol are running to
attack Barney, with all the little kids backing them up. As they pound into him in a furious
stampede, Tuxedo Kamen lunges with a dagger at Barney… hang on, where'd he get the dagger from?!
Kamen: Barney had it.
Relm: *gasps* Barney had a dagger!?
Eiko: Barney is a very naughty dinosaur! He had a dagger!
Chibi-Chibi: Chibi chibi chibi chibi!
Translator: Translation. Let's stab Barney until there's blood all over the ground!
Chibi-Usa: KIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!
Haruka: Oh my god, this is gruesome and utterly horrifying. At the moment, the kids… oh, yuck…
they just ripped out his heart and Tuxedo Kamen is holding it up like a trophy… oh this is
disgusting… oh yuck.
Kamen: I WON! I am the KING! I ROCK!
Haruka: Well… err… it looks like Barney the ridiculously purple dinosaur has been defeated in a
gruesome, disgusting battle to the death. Frankly, I'd like to say I'm glad we don't have to deal
with him anymore. Tune in next week for Sailor Senshi Deathmatch Episode Four, to see the new
opponents for our senshi. Ja mata!