Sailor Senshi Deathmatch
Episode 8: The Inner Senshi vs. Asuka Langely Souryu, Shinji Ikari, Rei Ayanami, Misato Katsuragi
By Fire Angel & Satan's Angel
Disclaimer: None of the characters in this deathmatch belong to us. So don't go trying to sue us
because… well, just don't. Yeah, yeah. Same old, same old. Trademark line. Whatever. Think we
give a damn?… actually… maybe we do… NOT!!!!!!! So deal with it, and don't even think about
complaining. So there!
A Very Small Note from Fire Angel: Hello, darlings. I'm in a better mood than last time now, I am
actually quite sane (if that's even possible for me). It's really cold at the moment, cos it's
the middle of winter in skip-land, and Satan's Angel (the sweetheart) and I are sittin here at
her computer freezing our cute little butts off! Dears, there's no way I'm poking THIS nose
outside, nuh uh! And to think, it was sooooo sunny yesterday! Anyway, you know the drill,
darlings, e-mail us if you've got comments, and I'll stop speaking like Celine from Star Ocean 2.
Bye bye! By the way darlings, Big Kev is an Australian guy who sells Australian-made products and
likes saying "I'm excited." 'Jota' is from the Australian Big Brother; Ben liked to say it, and
it is North Korean for 'very good'. So, enjoy, darlings.
A Very Small Note from Satan's Angel: Howdie peoplez! And how are you on this rather cold
afternoon? Well, if a: you're in front of a heater, b: it's the middle of summer or c: you're
actually reading this at night, NEEERRRR to you indeed! I mean… how pleasant indeed. As Doctor
Evil says, 'It's frikin' freezin' in here Mr. Bigglesworth'. To tell you the truth, I can't wait
til summer. I have a pool. It's so cold here… I mean, so cold that if this was in my handwriting,
it would be sooo shaky it would be illegible! Seriously, whoever invented seasons should be taken
out the back and shot! Anyhoo, e-mail us your opinions at fizzy86@hotmail.com (moi) or
rinoa_heartilly86@hotmail.com (not-moi) and… well, I don't know what and… Have fun DARLINGS!
Tuxedo Kamen: Good evening everyone. Welcome to the eighth episode of Sailor Senshi Deathmatch…
the show in which the sexiest warriors of love and justice defeat any opposition that have the
courage to defy them. I love those skirts, girls! In case you haven't noticed, today's battle
will take place in our brand-new arena, seeing as our old one was destroyed. I'm Chiba Mamoru,
also known as the hunky Tuxedo Kamen, the guardian of the senshi! I'm your commentator for today,
and I'd like to introduce our guest commentator, Professor Akagi Ritsuko, who has travelled all
the way from her job at NERV Headquarters in the not-too-distant future to be with us tonight.
Ritsuko: Uhh… hi, I'm Akagi Ritsuko… I work at NERV… that's N.E.R.V… headquarters in the
not-too-distant-future… after Crystal Tokyo gets destroyed… uhh…
Tuxedo Kamen: Hang on… Crystal Tokyo can't get destroyed! I LIKE being the king of Earth, and I
don't wanna die! *starts bawling*
Ritsuko: *hurriedly* Err… don't fret, I was only kidding. It's not like I'd know your future or
anything. *muttering* Although I am FROM the future, you fool… anyway, I'd like to welcome
tonight's challengers, members of the NERV attack force… that's N.E.R.V… Asuka Langely Souryu,
Shinji Ikari, Rei Ayanami and Misato Katsuragi. How's it going, guys?
NERV Attack Force: Hi everyone!
Tuxedo Kamen: And our super-cool, unbeaten, short-skirted warriors with no artificial flavours,
colours or preservatives-but lots of cleavage-the Senshi of the Inner Planets!
From the audience… Big Kev: I'm excited!
Mercury: For love and justice, we're the Inner Senshi! I'm Sailor Mercury!
Mars: In the name of our planets and our future, we fight! I am Sailor Mars!
Jupiter: Bow down before us, or we'll kick your ass! I'm Sailor Jupiter!
Venus: Wearing our cute short skirts, we will vanquish you! I am Sailor Venus!
Inner Senshi: JOTA!!!!
Ritsuko: Well, let's get this show on the road, in case an Angel decides to attack in the future…
alright?
!!DING!!
Tuxedo Kamen: Woah! These guys aren't wasting any time, instead they're getting those cute little
butts into gears and attacking those futuristic morons.
Ritsuko: Hey, who are you calling morons?
Tuxedo Kamen: You and the others from the future.
Ritsuko: Oh okay. Just wanted to get it straightened up. Cool.
Tuxedo Kamen: Miss Katsuragi just seems to be watching the action as Rei and Sailor Mercury
start… talking? Oh well, at least Venus is… hitting on Shinji? And Mars is… oh well that's okay
then. Sailor Mars is pounding Asuka's face in.
*bash bash bash bash bash*
Asuka: Stop it!
Mars: No!
*bash bash bash bash bash*
Tuxedo Kamen: Hang on, what is Sailor Jupiter doing?
Ritsuko: She's looking at Katsuragi. Oh, NO! Misato, look out! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Tuxedo Kamen: Well, that didn't take long. First death of the night, Major Misato Katsuragi of
NERV.
Ritsuko: That's N.E.R.V
Tuxedo Kamen: We know how to spell it.
Ritsuko: Well it wasn't MY fault we got a letter addressed to 'Nerve… as in N.e.r.v.e… HQ' now,
is it? I just want to make sure everyone knows.
Tuxedo Kamen: Right, whatever. Anyway, Misato is dead, and she died from a few electric shocks to
the… brain. Through the… ear. Looks like she's a little thunderstruck. *laughs wildly* Oh, isn't
it funny?!
Ritsuko: No, not really.
Tuxedo Kamen: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?
Ritsuko: I… said it was… errr… uhh… hilarious. Yes, that's right. Hilarious!
Tuxedo Kamen: Ah. That's okay then. Anyway, back to the fight… without any regard to Misato's
smoking remains, we tune in to the conversation between Sailor Mercury and Rei Ayanami.
Sailor Mercury: And yeah, I looked at you, and I thought, 'Wow, that's just the nicest shade of
blue hair I've ever seen.' It's even cooler than mine!
Rei: Thankyou.
Sailor Mercury: So… what brand dye do you use? Napro Country Colours, or Herbal Essences
Hydrience?
*Rei slaps Sailor Mercury*
Rei: It's natural.
Tuxedo Kamen: Oh dear, I think Ami-chan's been hanging around with Minako-chan for a little too
long… or else she tried dying her hair and it seeped through to her brain.
Sailor Mercury: What was I thinking? Time to die, Ayanami!
Ritsuko: No way! That's a totally UNFAIR move!
Tuxedo Kamen: It's within Sailor Mercury's powers to freeze people, Ritsuko. I believe it to be
fair, I do.
Ritsuko: Well I do… NOOOOOOOOOOOO WAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!! How in God's name does that work? What type
of science is involved in that?
Tuxedo Kamen: What science? Sailormoonology.
Ritsuko: But it's impossible! You can't freeze someone and then shatter them like an iceblock! It
just doesn't work!
Tuxedo Kamen: It does in Sailormoonology. In Sailormoonology, it's perfectly normal for someone
to be frozen and then shattered. It just happens. It's true.
Ritsuko: That's it. I'm going to sue someone.
Big Kev: I'm excited!
Somewhere from the sun-dappled glens of Heaven… Fire Angel: Well, if you wanna sue someone
Ritsuko, then it's us, right? We're the ones that made Sailormoonology.
Ritsuko: Then I'm suing Fire Angel and Satan's Angel for defying the laws of science!
Somewhere from the fiery pits of Hell… Satan's Angel: We're the ones that made Sailormoonology,
Ritsuko. We're also the ones that can make up Deadritsukology if you really want us to.
Ritsuko: Uhh… err…
Fire Angel: So are you still going to sue us, Ritsuko?
Ritsuko: No. No way in the world.
Satan's Angel: Try 'no way in hell'.
Fire Angel: Or 'no way in heaven'.
Satan's Angel: Mine's better.
Fire Angel: No it's not.
Satan's Angel: Yes it is.
Fire Angel: No it's not.
Satan's Angel: Yes it is.
Fire Angel: No it's not.
Satan's Angel: Yes it is.
Tuxedo Kamen: OH SHUT UP, BOTH OF YOU!
Satan's Angel: WHAT WAS THAT, YOU INCONSEQUENTIAL HUMAN?!
Tuxedo Kamen: I said SHUT! UP!
Fire Angel: THAT'S IT, YOU… YOU… oh, forget it. DIE!!!!!!!!
*a sudden blast of fire smashes through the glass of the commentator's booth and burns Tuxedo
Kamen to a crisp that weighs less than 'Posh Spice'. Yes, it's possible!*
Satan's Angel: Heeheehee… Fire Angel lost her temper.
Fire Angel: Yes, I did, didn't I? Ahh… anyway, on with the battle…
*Mars, who hasn't stopped bashing Asuka during this time, takes a break, and looks up at the sky,
and then at the ground*
Mars: I'm beginning to like those two…
Asuka: Will you stop bashing me now?
Mars: No way.
*bash bash bash bash bash*
Ritsuko: Well, anyway… Sailor Venus is still doing her best to hit on Shinji… she's even hitched
her skirt up a little higher, which I didn't think was possible… but, you know, maybe it is… and
she's pushed him up against the wall of the arena. Her hands appear to be roving… and Shinji
looks… very red, to say the least.
Shinji: Uhh… uhh… uhh… uhh…
Venus: Is that all you can say, cutie?
Shinji: Uhh…
Venus: I'll tell you right now, you'll be saying more than that when you're in the Goddess of
Love's little bed.
Big Kev: *looking horny* I'm excited!
Shinji: Uhh… uhh… sorry, Sailor Venus, I'm kinda interested in Asuka.
Venus: What?
Shinji: Uhh… you know, Asuka. The girl that's getting her face pounded to a pulp.
Asuka: Wait a minute! *shoves Mars away* YOU like ME?!
Shinji: Uhh…
Asuka: Well, why didn't you just TELL me?! And to think, all this time all I've been trying to do
is get your attention!
Shinji: Asuka, I like you.
Asuka: About time.
Venus: Too bad lover-boy's about fall in love with the Goddess of Love! Venus Love-Me Chain,
bewitch him!
Ritsuko: The chain of love hearts curls around Shinji and Venus starts pulling him towards her.
Shinji! Escape while you still can!
*Shinji rips the chain away from him and flings it at Venus*
Venus: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Ritsuko: Sailor Venus just got whipped in the face with the Love-Me Chain. Why is she so mad?
Mercury, Mars, Jupiter, Fire Angel & Satan's Angel: Uh-oh.
Big Kev: I'm excited!
Venus: That's it, lover-boy! Time to die!
Ritsuko: Is that a strategical move? IS THAT A STRATEGICAL MOVE? Sailor Venus just kissed Shinji…
and… oh. He can't breathe, because she's doing an Asuka and holding his nose. I don't know if
he'll survive this.
Fire Angel: You know, it's getting kinda boring without Tuxedo Kamen.
Satan's Angel: And whose fault is that?
Fire Angel: Look, you're with Satan, can't you just bring him back to life?
Satan's Angel: It's not like Satan's my SLAVE or anything.
Satan: Hey, that's not what you said! You said I had to wait on you hand and foot!
Satan's Angel: Fine. Bring K-mart boy back to life. I mean, Tuxedo Kamen.
Satan: Oh, the masked dude? Okay.
God: I wanna speak too!
Fire Angel: Well, speak then!
God: I just did.
Satan's Angel: Good, we can get on with it then.
Venus: Yes, he's dead! Suffocated by the Goddess of Love! Now, for that sexy body of his… time to
dispose of it.
Big Kev: I'm excited!
Venus: CRESCENT BEAM!!!!!!!!
Asuka: NOOOO!!!!!
Tuxedo Kamen: His body is blasted apart by the impact of Venus' Crescent Beam attack and tiny
bits of Shinji go flying everywhere. Yum, lunch.
Ritsuko: Oh that is soooooooo disgusting! Poor Shinji!
Asuka: NOOOO!!!!! How dare you?! It's time to die, Sailor Senshi! ARRRGGGHH!!!!!!!!!!!
*Asuka flees from the arena*
Tuxedo Kamen: Fantastic strategic move on Asuka's part! She fled the arena, which means that the
Sailor Senshi are our…
Asuka: Hold it right there, Kamen of the Tuxedo type!
Tuxedo Kamen: Wha????
Asuka: I said, hold it right there, err… uhh… Tuxedo Kamen. The senshi haven't won this battle
just yet.
Ritsuko: Asuka, where are you?
Asuka: Take a guess.
Ritsuko: Oh. No.
Asuka: Oh. Yes.
*a wall is knocked down on the left side of the arena. Through the new hole a tall red robot can
be seen with a cord protruding from its back*
Tuxedo Kamen: Holy! That thing is huge!
Venus: No WAY! What IS it?!
Mars: It's a robot!
Venus: *sarcastically* I'm so glad you're here, Sailor Mars; I never woulda figured that out on
my own!
Mars: You're the one that asked, Venus! Why don't you go clean that blood offa your cute little
face?
Venus: Don't even give me that, Mars. Don't even talk about the new scar on my face! I'm getting
plastic surgery, all right? I'm gonna cover it up, okay?! So deal with it already! THANKYOU!
Asuka: Oh, shut up, you twits. *lurches her Eva forward; the plug detaches itself from the Eva at
the same time* Damn! The cord isn't long enough! Is there an extension cord around?
Ritsuko: Err… no.
Asuka: Then I'll have to use my emergency power supply! 2 minutes, and these senshi will be lying
stomped on the floor! This is for killing my Shinji!
Jupiter: Hey, Mars. I've got an idea. *starts to whisper to Mars, whose face lights up*
Mars: Cool, let's go! FIRE SOUL!
Jupiter: SUPREME THUNDER!
Tuxedo Kamen: Fantastic! With a huge… ahh… Kaboom, the big monster blows right up and probably
into the not-too-distant future, where there's a company called NERV…
Ritsuko: That's N…
Fire Angel: Oh God, shut up!
*Ritsuko is speared through the heart with a pitchfork*
Ritsuko: *weakly* …E…
Satan's Angel: Arrrggghhhh!
*Ritsuko is hit by another Fire Angel blast*
Ritsuko: *even more weakly* ……R……
Fire Angel & Satan's Angel: SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
*Fire Angel and Satan's Angel attack Ritsuko at exactly the same time*
Ritsuko: *as weak as humanely possible* …………V…………
Tuxedo Kamen: Ritsuko, you forgot the 'e'.
Ritsuko: Oh……… Sorry…………… E……… What? Oh, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
*with that, she collapses and dies*
Tuxedo Kamen: And yet another victory to the Sailor Senshi of love and… no wait, that's not
important. The Sailor Senshi of the short skirts! Once more, they have defeated all opposition
and won!
Satan's Angel: And there was much rejoicing.
Fire Angel: Oh shut up.
Tuxedo Kamen: Anyway, we'll see you next time on Sailor Senshi Deathmatch, in which Sailor Venus
should have a new face. Ja ne, and Jota!
Big Kev: I'm excited!
Episode 8: The Inner Senshi vs. Asuka Langely Souryu, Shinji Ikari, Rei Ayanami, Misato Katsuragi
By Fire Angel & Satan's Angel
Disclaimer: None of the characters in this deathmatch belong to us. So don't go trying to sue us
because… well, just don't. Yeah, yeah. Same old, same old. Trademark line. Whatever. Think we
give a damn?… actually… maybe we do… NOT!!!!!!! So deal with it, and don't even think about
complaining. So there!
A Very Small Note from Fire Angel: Hello, darlings. I'm in a better mood than last time now, I am
actually quite sane (if that's even possible for me). It's really cold at the moment, cos it's
the middle of winter in skip-land, and Satan's Angel (the sweetheart) and I are sittin here at
her computer freezing our cute little butts off! Dears, there's no way I'm poking THIS nose
outside, nuh uh! And to think, it was sooooo sunny yesterday! Anyway, you know the drill,
darlings, e-mail us if you've got comments, and I'll stop speaking like Celine from Star Ocean 2.
Bye bye! By the way darlings, Big Kev is an Australian guy who sells Australian-made products and
likes saying "I'm excited." 'Jota' is from the Australian Big Brother; Ben liked to say it, and
it is North Korean for 'very good'. So, enjoy, darlings.
A Very Small Note from Satan's Angel: Howdie peoplez! And how are you on this rather cold
afternoon? Well, if a: you're in front of a heater, b: it's the middle of summer or c: you're
actually reading this at night, NEEERRRR to you indeed! I mean… how pleasant indeed. As Doctor
Evil says, 'It's frikin' freezin' in here Mr. Bigglesworth'. To tell you the truth, I can't wait
til summer. I have a pool. It's so cold here… I mean, so cold that if this was in my handwriting,
it would be sooo shaky it would be illegible! Seriously, whoever invented seasons should be taken
out the back and shot! Anyhoo, e-mail us your opinions at fizzy86@hotmail.com (moi) or
rinoa_heartilly86@hotmail.com (not-moi) and… well, I don't know what and… Have fun DARLINGS!
Tuxedo Kamen: Good evening everyone. Welcome to the eighth episode of Sailor Senshi Deathmatch…
the show in which the sexiest warriors of love and justice defeat any opposition that have the
courage to defy them. I love those skirts, girls! In case you haven't noticed, today's battle
will take place in our brand-new arena, seeing as our old one was destroyed. I'm Chiba Mamoru,
also known as the hunky Tuxedo Kamen, the guardian of the senshi! I'm your commentator for today,
and I'd like to introduce our guest commentator, Professor Akagi Ritsuko, who has travelled all
the way from her job at NERV Headquarters in the not-too-distant future to be with us tonight.
Ritsuko: Uhh… hi, I'm Akagi Ritsuko… I work at NERV… that's N.E.R.V… headquarters in the
not-too-distant-future… after Crystal Tokyo gets destroyed… uhh…
Tuxedo Kamen: Hang on… Crystal Tokyo can't get destroyed! I LIKE being the king of Earth, and I
don't wanna die! *starts bawling*
Ritsuko: *hurriedly* Err… don't fret, I was only kidding. It's not like I'd know your future or
anything. *muttering* Although I am FROM the future, you fool… anyway, I'd like to welcome
tonight's challengers, members of the NERV attack force… that's N.E.R.V… Asuka Langely Souryu,
Shinji Ikari, Rei Ayanami and Misato Katsuragi. How's it going, guys?
NERV Attack Force: Hi everyone!
Tuxedo Kamen: And our super-cool, unbeaten, short-skirted warriors with no artificial flavours,
colours or preservatives-but lots of cleavage-the Senshi of the Inner Planets!
From the audience… Big Kev: I'm excited!
Mercury: For love and justice, we're the Inner Senshi! I'm Sailor Mercury!
Mars: In the name of our planets and our future, we fight! I am Sailor Mars!
Jupiter: Bow down before us, or we'll kick your ass! I'm Sailor Jupiter!
Venus: Wearing our cute short skirts, we will vanquish you! I am Sailor Venus!
Inner Senshi: JOTA!!!!
Ritsuko: Well, let's get this show on the road, in case an Angel decides to attack in the future…
alright?
!!DING!!
Tuxedo Kamen: Woah! These guys aren't wasting any time, instead they're getting those cute little
butts into gears and attacking those futuristic morons.
Ritsuko: Hey, who are you calling morons?
Tuxedo Kamen: You and the others from the future.
Ritsuko: Oh okay. Just wanted to get it straightened up. Cool.
Tuxedo Kamen: Miss Katsuragi just seems to be watching the action as Rei and Sailor Mercury
start… talking? Oh well, at least Venus is… hitting on Shinji? And Mars is… oh well that's okay
then. Sailor Mars is pounding Asuka's face in.
*bash bash bash bash bash*
Asuka: Stop it!
Mars: No!
*bash bash bash bash bash*
Tuxedo Kamen: Hang on, what is Sailor Jupiter doing?
Ritsuko: She's looking at Katsuragi. Oh, NO! Misato, look out! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Tuxedo Kamen: Well, that didn't take long. First death of the night, Major Misato Katsuragi of
NERV.
Ritsuko: That's N.E.R.V
Tuxedo Kamen: We know how to spell it.
Ritsuko: Well it wasn't MY fault we got a letter addressed to 'Nerve… as in N.e.r.v.e… HQ' now,
is it? I just want to make sure everyone knows.
Tuxedo Kamen: Right, whatever. Anyway, Misato is dead, and she died from a few electric shocks to
the… brain. Through the… ear. Looks like she's a little thunderstruck. *laughs wildly* Oh, isn't
it funny?!
Ritsuko: No, not really.
Tuxedo Kamen: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?
Ritsuko: I… said it was… errr… uhh… hilarious. Yes, that's right. Hilarious!
Tuxedo Kamen: Ah. That's okay then. Anyway, back to the fight… without any regard to Misato's
smoking remains, we tune in to the conversation between Sailor Mercury and Rei Ayanami.
Sailor Mercury: And yeah, I looked at you, and I thought, 'Wow, that's just the nicest shade of
blue hair I've ever seen.' It's even cooler than mine!
Rei: Thankyou.
Sailor Mercury: So… what brand dye do you use? Napro Country Colours, or Herbal Essences
Hydrience?
*Rei slaps Sailor Mercury*
Rei: It's natural.
Tuxedo Kamen: Oh dear, I think Ami-chan's been hanging around with Minako-chan for a little too
long… or else she tried dying her hair and it seeped through to her brain.
Sailor Mercury: What was I thinking? Time to die, Ayanami!
Ritsuko: No way! That's a totally UNFAIR move!
Tuxedo Kamen: It's within Sailor Mercury's powers to freeze people, Ritsuko. I believe it to be
fair, I do.
Ritsuko: Well I do… NOOOOOOOOOOOO WAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!! How in God's name does that work? What type
of science is involved in that?
Tuxedo Kamen: What science? Sailormoonology.
Ritsuko: But it's impossible! You can't freeze someone and then shatter them like an iceblock! It
just doesn't work!
Tuxedo Kamen: It does in Sailormoonology. In Sailormoonology, it's perfectly normal for someone
to be frozen and then shattered. It just happens. It's true.
Ritsuko: That's it. I'm going to sue someone.
Big Kev: I'm excited!
Somewhere from the sun-dappled glens of Heaven… Fire Angel: Well, if you wanna sue someone
Ritsuko, then it's us, right? We're the ones that made Sailormoonology.
Ritsuko: Then I'm suing Fire Angel and Satan's Angel for defying the laws of science!
Somewhere from the fiery pits of Hell… Satan's Angel: We're the ones that made Sailormoonology,
Ritsuko. We're also the ones that can make up Deadritsukology if you really want us to.
Ritsuko: Uhh… err…
Fire Angel: So are you still going to sue us, Ritsuko?
Ritsuko: No. No way in the world.
Satan's Angel: Try 'no way in hell'.
Fire Angel: Or 'no way in heaven'.
Satan's Angel: Mine's better.
Fire Angel: No it's not.
Satan's Angel: Yes it is.
Fire Angel: No it's not.
Satan's Angel: Yes it is.
Fire Angel: No it's not.
Satan's Angel: Yes it is.
Tuxedo Kamen: OH SHUT UP, BOTH OF YOU!
Satan's Angel: WHAT WAS THAT, YOU INCONSEQUENTIAL HUMAN?!
Tuxedo Kamen: I said SHUT! UP!
Fire Angel: THAT'S IT, YOU… YOU… oh, forget it. DIE!!!!!!!!
*a sudden blast of fire smashes through the glass of the commentator's booth and burns Tuxedo
Kamen to a crisp that weighs less than 'Posh Spice'. Yes, it's possible!*
Satan's Angel: Heeheehee… Fire Angel lost her temper.
Fire Angel: Yes, I did, didn't I? Ahh… anyway, on with the battle…
*Mars, who hasn't stopped bashing Asuka during this time, takes a break, and looks up at the sky,
and then at the ground*
Mars: I'm beginning to like those two…
Asuka: Will you stop bashing me now?
Mars: No way.
*bash bash bash bash bash*
Ritsuko: Well, anyway… Sailor Venus is still doing her best to hit on Shinji… she's even hitched
her skirt up a little higher, which I didn't think was possible… but, you know, maybe it is… and
she's pushed him up against the wall of the arena. Her hands appear to be roving… and Shinji
looks… very red, to say the least.
Shinji: Uhh… uhh… uhh… uhh…
Venus: Is that all you can say, cutie?
Shinji: Uhh…
Venus: I'll tell you right now, you'll be saying more than that when you're in the Goddess of
Love's little bed.
Big Kev: *looking horny* I'm excited!
Shinji: Uhh… uhh… sorry, Sailor Venus, I'm kinda interested in Asuka.
Venus: What?
Shinji: Uhh… you know, Asuka. The girl that's getting her face pounded to a pulp.
Asuka: Wait a minute! *shoves Mars away* YOU like ME?!
Shinji: Uhh…
Asuka: Well, why didn't you just TELL me?! And to think, all this time all I've been trying to do
is get your attention!
Shinji: Asuka, I like you.
Asuka: About time.
Venus: Too bad lover-boy's about fall in love with the Goddess of Love! Venus Love-Me Chain,
bewitch him!
Ritsuko: The chain of love hearts curls around Shinji and Venus starts pulling him towards her.
Shinji! Escape while you still can!
*Shinji rips the chain away from him and flings it at Venus*
Venus: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Ritsuko: Sailor Venus just got whipped in the face with the Love-Me Chain. Why is she so mad?
Mercury, Mars, Jupiter, Fire Angel & Satan's Angel: Uh-oh.
Big Kev: I'm excited!
Venus: That's it, lover-boy! Time to die!
Ritsuko: Is that a strategical move? IS THAT A STRATEGICAL MOVE? Sailor Venus just kissed Shinji…
and… oh. He can't breathe, because she's doing an Asuka and holding his nose. I don't know if
he'll survive this.
Fire Angel: You know, it's getting kinda boring without Tuxedo Kamen.
Satan's Angel: And whose fault is that?
Fire Angel: Look, you're with Satan, can't you just bring him back to life?
Satan's Angel: It's not like Satan's my SLAVE or anything.
Satan: Hey, that's not what you said! You said I had to wait on you hand and foot!
Satan's Angel: Fine. Bring K-mart boy back to life. I mean, Tuxedo Kamen.
Satan: Oh, the masked dude? Okay.
God: I wanna speak too!
Fire Angel: Well, speak then!
God: I just did.
Satan's Angel: Good, we can get on with it then.
Venus: Yes, he's dead! Suffocated by the Goddess of Love! Now, for that sexy body of his… time to
dispose of it.
Big Kev: I'm excited!
Venus: CRESCENT BEAM!!!!!!!!
Asuka: NOOOO!!!!!
Tuxedo Kamen: His body is blasted apart by the impact of Venus' Crescent Beam attack and tiny
bits of Shinji go flying everywhere. Yum, lunch.
Ritsuko: Oh that is soooooooo disgusting! Poor Shinji!
Asuka: NOOOO!!!!! How dare you?! It's time to die, Sailor Senshi! ARRRGGGHH!!!!!!!!!!!
*Asuka flees from the arena*
Tuxedo Kamen: Fantastic strategic move on Asuka's part! She fled the arena, which means that the
Sailor Senshi are our…
Asuka: Hold it right there, Kamen of the Tuxedo type!
Tuxedo Kamen: Wha????
Asuka: I said, hold it right there, err… uhh… Tuxedo Kamen. The senshi haven't won this battle
just yet.
Ritsuko: Asuka, where are you?
Asuka: Take a guess.
Ritsuko: Oh. No.
Asuka: Oh. Yes.
*a wall is knocked down on the left side of the arena. Through the new hole a tall red robot can
be seen with a cord protruding from its back*
Tuxedo Kamen: Holy! That thing is huge!
Venus: No WAY! What IS it?!
Mars: It's a robot!
Venus: *sarcastically* I'm so glad you're here, Sailor Mars; I never woulda figured that out on
my own!
Mars: You're the one that asked, Venus! Why don't you go clean that blood offa your cute little
face?
Venus: Don't even give me that, Mars. Don't even talk about the new scar on my face! I'm getting
plastic surgery, all right? I'm gonna cover it up, okay?! So deal with it already! THANKYOU!
Asuka: Oh, shut up, you twits. *lurches her Eva forward; the plug detaches itself from the Eva at
the same time* Damn! The cord isn't long enough! Is there an extension cord around?
Ritsuko: Err… no.
Asuka: Then I'll have to use my emergency power supply! 2 minutes, and these senshi will be lying
stomped on the floor! This is for killing my Shinji!
Jupiter: Hey, Mars. I've got an idea. *starts to whisper to Mars, whose face lights up*
Mars: Cool, let's go! FIRE SOUL!
Jupiter: SUPREME THUNDER!
Tuxedo Kamen: Fantastic! With a huge… ahh… Kaboom, the big monster blows right up and probably
into the not-too-distant future, where there's a company called NERV…
Ritsuko: That's N…
Fire Angel: Oh God, shut up!
*Ritsuko is speared through the heart with a pitchfork*
Ritsuko: *weakly* …E…
Satan's Angel: Arrrggghhhh!
*Ritsuko is hit by another Fire Angel blast*
Ritsuko: *even more weakly* ……R……
Fire Angel & Satan's Angel: SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
*Fire Angel and Satan's Angel attack Ritsuko at exactly the same time*
Ritsuko: *as weak as humanely possible* …………V…………
Tuxedo Kamen: Ritsuko, you forgot the 'e'.
Ritsuko: Oh……… Sorry…………… E……… What? Oh, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
*with that, she collapses and dies*
Tuxedo Kamen: And yet another victory to the Sailor Senshi of love and… no wait, that's not
important. The Sailor Senshi of the short skirts! Once more, they have defeated all opposition
and won!
Satan's Angel: And there was much rejoicing.
Fire Angel: Oh shut up.
Tuxedo Kamen: Anyway, we'll see you next time on Sailor Senshi Deathmatch, in which Sailor Venus
should have a new face. Ja ne, and Jota!
Big Kev: I'm excited!