One Hundred Rose Petals
He loves me,
He loves me not…
Mei Lin stared at the rose propped between her index finger and thumb. She held it carefully by the stem, avoiding the thorns that jutted out of it. She lifted her hand up and rubbed her fingers over the soft silky petals, watching as moonbeams hit the small droplets of water that had settled on it. She moved her fingers around and plucked one of the petals from the bud. She stared at it for a moment before dropping it, watching as it floated gracefully to the ground.
She shifted uncomfortably around the thick tree branch she was perched on, each movement sending one or two pink Sakura petals to the ground, joining the single rose petal. She wished, she could float, fall gracefully to the ground and land silently on the soft green grass. But it had been harder for her; she had fallen. She remembered the feeling, the ground rushing up to meet her body. The air swirling around her; blowing her hair and clothes about her body. She had fallen hard, but had not been caught.
She shifted again sending more pink petals to the ground, watching as they covered the rose petal she had dropped. She stared at the ground, her eyes locked on something much farther away. She saw his face; saw his eyes, his perfection. And then she saw her, in all her perfection. She scowled and shifted her gaze back to the rose in her hand. He had called her a rose, an imperfect flower for those only with heartbreak.
She was a rose though; there was no better way to describe her. She had her flaws like everybody else, but hers were worse, noticeable. People only loved a rose for its sweet smell; they didn't dare touch, for its deadly thorns. People only gave roses to broken hearts; things like love were reserved for pretty pink flowers. She twirled the rose around in her fingers, ignoring the thorns that threatened to draw blood. She frowned and knotted her eyes brows together; it was mocking her.
She plucked another petal from the otherwise perfect flower. Taking it apart piece by piece, as he had done to her. To eventually leaving it bare, each petal blown away with the wind. Its dear beauty gone, leaving only the bitter resentment; leaving the realisation that beneath the petals lay nothing but thorns. Just as he had done to her. Soon she would strip this rose of its petals, as she had done with so many others in her search for answers.
He loves me,
He loves me not…
She wished one day, he could make her fly. Make her feel like a goddess, strip her of her thorns, make her complete. But a rose is not meant for love, it is only for broken hearts. They say twelve red roses for love, but that is only love meant for fools, with heartbreak soon to follow. Giving roses to the one you love suggests that beneath the perfect surface, lay something like thorns. He had given her roses.
The scene played so easily in her mind, that night he had confessed his love for her. It was her birthday, a day for rejoice, for happiness, but she was left with heartbreak. He handed her the roses, tied together with a ribbon, the one she had lost earlier that day. Twelve red roses, reflecting the colour of her eyes. It had been almost perfect, he was there with her, like every day, but she could see something in his eyes. Then she appeared, the perfect flower he had given his heart to. She had arrived and thrown everything she had dreamed of in her face.
They kissed, and it was like a knife through her chest. Her heart shattered into a million shards, her soul, once lit with hope, now dark with despair. He had told her, his delicate Sakura, he loved her. Those three words had burned into her like acid, her tears falling like rain, unnoticed. The next day she returned to Hong Kong, unable to see them together. She hadn't seen her love since but instead had found his face in her dreams, plaguing her every thought. She still wished, hoped that he would return saying it was a mistake to let her leave, and he loved her. But every day, she went to sleep with tears in her eyes, and another petal gone.
She plucked another petal off the rose, twirling it around in her fingers. It was so soft, like silk, so vulnerable. She ran her fingers over it once more before letting it drop to the ground. Another day, another lake of tears, another broken dream; another hundred rose petals for him. Her life was incomplete, her heart missing a piece. She only wanted to hold him in her arms, if only for one day. Wanted to feel his lips against hers, if only for a second. How could he leave her like this?
She plucked another petal, instantly dropping it to be with its brothers. The rose still managed to retain it beauty, it would until all the petals lay on the ground, to be covered by the pink Sakuras' that fell every so often from her tree. One day every year she would return to Japan, hopefully to see her love, but mostly to relive her memories. Those painful memories that left her hollow once gone; the feeling of helplessness as she remembered their quest.
He loves me,
He loves me not…
She glanced around the familiar surroundings. Cherry Blossom Street it was called, the same as it was last year, and the year before. Not much had changed since her last visit, the shop down the street had moved, and the bench had several bits of graffiti on it, but apart from that it looked exactly the same as it always had. So much had happened on this street, so many memories.
She remembered the day they had that marathon at the local school. She had tripped and twisted her ankle, leaving her helpless as the two card captors caught the loop card. How could she forget, she had to be piggy backed to the finish line by Li. She had told Sakura that she would have won if she didn't hurt her foot, but she knew it wasn't true, no matter how much she tried, Sakuras' were always sweeter than roses.
Then there was of course the scene in the park; that was the most painful. That was when she was certain Li had forgotten her and moved on. The realisation that she could never match up to the Sakuras' flawless petals. She might have been able to fight, but it meant nothing after that girl had come strutting into her life. Her pretend card captor days were thrown away like so many rose petals. Her heart discarded along with her dreams.
She ran her fingers over the rose petals, gently pulling another one away and watching as it sunk to the ground. He had shown her compassion on a few occasions; their old friendship not completely forgotten. But that was all it was old friendship; turned stagnant over the years. He had grown up and forgotten about her, moved on, his abilities far exceeding her own. Their days of childish laughter gone, replaced by love and a broken heart.
Absently she pulled another petal off, her mind swimming in its grief. She hadn't heard from him since that fateful day, he must have forgotten. She was just another memory, another dream of childish delight. But she had not, how many years had it been now? Five, six, she couldn't remember, she had only been eleven when her heart had broken. For all she knew their kiss could have been nothing, but he hadn't returned to Hong Kong, so it was obvious it had meant more. Every day, for five years she had wished his return, wished his love, wished his face, his eyes, his smile. Everyday for five years she had cried a million tears, her heart bled, but it never died.
He loves me,
He loves me not…
Mei Lin plucked another two petals off the rose, not even sparing them a glance as she dropped them. She looked at the rose now; it was losing its perfection as she thoughtlessly ripped its petals off, damning it to live a life of grief as she had. She could never explain the feelings she felt to anyone, could never find closure apart from her dreams. Only the roses she killed knew how she felt, knew her grief, her loss. A rose loosing its petals as she had lost hers.
She smiled to herself, that forced, rueful smile she had given so many people. What did she expect? Did she think just because she had been arranged to marry him that he would instantly love her? She had heard the stories, she knew the tales. People never got married out of love; love was reserved for something more sacred. People got married to continue their lineage, that was all she was for; a strong girl, with a strong heart to carry on the magical lineage. She didn't have magic; she had nothing but thorns.
But still every year she returned to this very tree, perched herself on its branch, and watched the people of Japan carry their meaningless lives. He had obviously moved on, somewhere, maybe even back to Hong Kong. Or maybe she should just look them up, find him to see how much he had changed, and how much she had not. To have him once again pull her heart out of her chest and show it to her; show her, her bleeding broken heart before she died. She would rather eat a hundred rose stems than face him again, but the idea intrigued her.
She jumped from the tree, landing silently on the soft grass. Without another thought she ripped the rest of the petals off the rose and scattered them around her feet; her smile once again returning to her lips. She dropped the stem along with its once beautiful petals and turned her back to it, making her way slowly to the Avalon residence. She didn't know what she was doing, didn't know why, she knew her heart ached, it thumped loud in her ears as she made her way down the dimly lit streets. Her feet took on a mind of their own leading her down the forever familiar streets.
How many times had she wandered down here in the dark of the night? How many times had she stood outside this very house cursing that perfect flower for breaking her heart? She stared up at the house, forever the same, never changing. Every year she would stand on this very spot and stare up at the windows, hoping to see him, if he was here. She didn't know, he could be a million miles away, but her heart, her soul told her otherwise. She breathed deeply feeling sweat, or was it tears, slide down her cheeks.
He loves me,
He loves me not…
She gathered everything, her heart, her soul, her dreams, her tears, and took one shaky step towards the house. Her heart flip flopped in her chest and her stomach churned, was she really doing this? She closed her eyes and took another step up the path her breathing becoming erratic as tears easily made their way down her already stained cheeks. She glanced at the door, the relentless mocking door, holding behind it things she did not want to see, but at the same time holding the object of her every dream and thought.
She gave a soft whimper and retreated back to the curb of the road, breathing heavily to calm herself down. She couldn't do it, she couldn't bare to face what she knew lay behind that door. Happy smiling faces, his happy smiling face, her happy smiling face. Did anyone even notice she was gone? She felt a tear drip from her chin onto her hand. She looked down through blurry eyes at it, how the moonlight reflected of it sending waves of colour into the otherwise dark night. How she wished he were here to wipe her tears away, hold her and tell her everything would be okay. But her tears were meaningless, another thing long forgotten by him.
She lowered her hand and wiped it absently on her pants. She had to; she had to see him, if only for a second. Even if it meant seeing her, seeing them together, she still loved him and nothing could stop her. She wiped her face with the back of her hand, knotting her eyebrows together and frowning at her weakness. If her sensei saw her like this he would laugh, if Li saw her like this he would laugh. Or would he even care? It didn't matter, she was going to do this, she had to be strong, nothing came to weakness.
She took another deep breath; clenching her fists into balls by her sides. She strode casually up to the porch and rung the doorbell with shaky hands. She stared at them, her hands shaking uncontrollably, she hadn't noticed, but her whole body shook. She felt her breathing quicken again, she shouldn't be here, she couldn't do it, but there was no way out now. She heard voices from inside, soft voices, and foot steps. She clenched her shaking jaw and closed her eyes, wishing she had never come back.
She heard the door unlock and the handle rattle. Her eyes snapped open and her heart stopped beating for a second. It was him, she knew, he was there and he was opening the door. What was she going to do? What was she going to say, she was so stupid for coming here. She wished she could just turn and leave, but her feet were rooted to the ground, her brain telling her to run, but her limbs not moving.
He loves me,
He loves me not…
She had gone thought this a million times in her head, what she would say to him when she finally saw him. 'I love you, I've always loved you, come back to Hong Kong with me and we will get married, just like mother had said.' She had said that a million times to the mirror but right then, as the door slowly creaked open her mind left her standing there shaking like a leaf, left her to face him by herself. The door slowly opened revealing a pair of surprised brown eyes, those same eyes she had fallen on love with so many years ago.
"Mei Lin?"
His voice, the voice she had heard in her dreams so many times. His face, the face she had seen in her mind every day for the last forever. She stood there, on the porch of the Avalon house, her mind completely blank, her heart beating so fast and hard she swear he could hear it. And her tears rolling again down her cheeks. He didn't say anything more just held the door open staring intently into her eyes. She had waited for this moment for what seemed like two lifetimes, but now she was here she wanted to be so far away
"Who's there?"
That was her, the girl that had taken him away, that had cost Mei Lin so much, so many tears. She wanted to scream, wanted to rip her apart, but her limbs were frozen, and her lips were stuck together. She wanted to say so much, wanted to tell him so much, wanted say how she had missed him, and loved him, and had wished everyday since her departure that he would come back to her and love her like a flower loved the sun. She wanted to hear him say he loved her, say he'd missed her and that every day he gave one hundred rose petals for her. As she had.
He loves me,
He loves me not…
His eyes they never see the feelings
Deep inside of mine
I want him to have my heart
And hold it for all time
Our souls to be together
Forever intertwined
A hundred rose petals for you every day
Take my heart but please be kind.