Started July 26, 2001
Finished July 28, 2001
Life
Red Horseman
Think where man's glory most begins and ends.
And say my glory was I had such friends.
---- William Butler Yeats
* * * *
Rain.
Thin rivulets of the life sustaining fluid flow down the
glass pane as I watch the storm rage beyond the window. Placing my
fingers against the window I can feel the slight vibrations the
winds and impact of droplets cause to course through the crystalline
structure. Halos of condensation form around the tips of my fingers
as they press lightly against the cool surface, clouds forming in
front of me as I breathe slowly, steadily. I am aware of my
surroundings, but it feels like I'm detached from my actions, like
this is all some kind of dream. It's not scary or unnerving, but has
a calming affect as the ordered chaos interrupted a calm day for me.
Ordered chaos.
What an oxymoron. How can something that is ordered be chaotic
at the same time, but it describes a storm perfectly. A set number
of events have to take place to trigger a thunderstorm or else it
fails. A shift in the winds, a drop or rise in temperature, or any
another number of factors can change something so spectacular and
beautiful into nothing but gray clouds. But if all the events occur
at the proper time and place you have something so wonderfully
chaotic in execution. Life is exactly the same.
My days years ago were the exact opposite of the storm outside
unleashing torrents of rain and jagged bolts of lightning. Calm and
quiet with bouts of chaos thrown in at times to break up the
routine. I would sit bored as another dull school day progressed
listening to the doctored versions of what happened during the
Second Impact and the years after. Everyone would tune out the
teacher after having heard the 'facts' over and over, not caring
that everything was lies. My friends would almost as one turn on
their computers and chat quietly without drawing attention, the
class soon following our examples.
Thunder rolls through the country as a dull rumble but I don't
move. At times during school the girls around me would talk about
which boy was cute or who was dating whom. I tried not to listen to
such things as I had more important things to worry about, the bouts
of chaos called Angels. Would I live through the next Angel or be
injured? Would someone be killed because of my actions? Would the
other pilots continue to respect or accept me? That everyone's life
on Earth was on our shoulders was a great burden and responsibility.
But the truth was I never expected to find the right person
and fall in love with them. I had been alone so long that I was
becoming used to the situation, pretending that it was no big deal.
My life would continue as long as Death allowed me to, whether alone
or together with someone didn't matter to him, he is patient. Like
the warning signs of an approaching storm, love has it's own signs.
It slowly builds until what you thought would pass you up is
suddenly right in front of you and hits you with all of its power.
Very scary, very unnerving if not expected, but oh so calming after
it's initial impact.
A jagged bolt of white light sears my eyes as lightning strikes
what seems to be the next hilltop over from me. The after images of
the bolt float in front of my eyes and I think how alike the Angels
were to lightning. The Angels would appear out of nowhere completely
unpredictable, just like lightning. A day would be slow and lazy
with me enjoying it in some way and then boom, an Angel attack. And
like lightning the Angels were deadly to the recipients of their
unleashed power. But unlike the connection of ground to sky the
Angels could kill everyone on the planet in one strike.
Turning from the window I stare at my life's partner asleep in
our bed as the building shakes from the crash of thunder. As the
after-effects of the thunder flow through the hills I can't help but
draw similarities again between nature and the Angels. Like the
thunder, the after-effects of the Angels are still felt after the
act is done and over with. What took a split second in life to occur
is forever etched in the memories of those who fought the Angels.
Neither of us came through the ordeal unscathed. Physical and
mental scars are still present on both our bodies and in our minds.
Some just have more than others do. Where others fell in love
happily, ours was a different kind of courtship. It was a painful
healing process of being there for each other when you didn't want
to hear any more painful details. Pain and sadness were our bonds,
but they grew to become love. Childhood details and the pain
inflicted upon us gave way to flowers and dates. Plugsuits and EVAs
were exchanged for a wedding and later a house. All is not healed or
perfect and they never will be, we understand that.
Suddenly a high pitched noise fills the room and my body
straightens and tenses as old reflexes take over. I relax,
remembering that the Angels are no longer and the EVAs are sealed
away. The noise pauses before starting again and I recognize it as
a child crying, specifically ours. Silently I open the door to the
hallway and walk down the dark corridor to the light at the end.
Darkness I still hate as it makes me feel alone in the world, unable
to touch or see whom I love or them me.
So it is with relief that I step again into the light, no
matter how dim it is. Walking over to the crib I see that Yuki is
awake and crying staring up at me with wide blue eyes. She is a
bundle of chaos wrapped up in cuteness and innocence, causing us so
many headaches during a day. But we wouldn't have it any other way.
Picking her up I check to see if anything is amiss but find nothing
wrong. Cradling her in my arms Yuki rests her head against my chest,
going silent as we share our warmth. It's amazing what a simple act,
such as holding someone in your arms can do for both people.
Rocking Yuki gently in my arms I gaze down at our baby girl.
They say a child takes after both parents in their features but not
Yuki. She definitely has more of her mother in her than her father,
not that it was a bad thing. I hope she is more gentle natured and
doesn't have the problems we did growing up. Having a mother and
father looking after her will be the least of her worries. We both
love her and each other, we'll never leave given a choice.
Not having Yuki grow up like us came up frequently during the
pregnancy when we would have time to just sit around with no tasks
to do. The world is harsh enough but having to grow up too soon is
too much to ask of a child. We were never normal and it showed in
our daily activities and interactions. Others enjoyed their
childhoods with families and friends as we watched ours being torn
apart, alone in our suffering. Normal teenagers had only to worry
about simple things like school or finding a date while we were
subjected to tests and trials that would cause people to go pale.
Some did as details of what we went through came out during the
tribunals. Yuki would have as much of a normal life as possible.
Wetness soaked through my shirt from Yuki's drooling but I
didn't care as long as she was content. A song I remember my mother
singing to me as a baby is coming from my lips. It is soft and
gentle telling of love and kindness for the child. I'm lost in the
song and cradling Yuki that I don't notice my significant other walk
into the room.
"Asuka."
Turning I look at Shinji as he wipes his eyes and covers a yawn
with one hand. He is my partner in life now and I am his, we'll
never let each other be alone anymore. When I realized that the
person I had been wanting in life had been in front of me for more
then a year I didn't want to believe it. How could I have fallen
for a quiet, shy boy who was always unsure of himself? But as he
comes up besides me and wraps an arm around me I remember the
changes.
Gone was the boy I had known during the Angel War, to be
replaced by a strong, confident man. As he touches my damaged arm I
know that he is still so caring but he won't coddle me, for which
I'm glad. He'll hold me and protect me, as much as I allow, from
anything that can hurt me, except my own foolishness. The innocence
is gone from his eyes and features but they soften whenever they
look at Yuki or me. At other times they show the horror we had to
endure as nightmares invade his mind.
Everyone had expected Shinji to snap as things kept piling up,
myself included. But how am I to speak of others when I snapped
myself, a scar to remember my foolish pride. Yet Shinji did snap
and for my sake as he has told me before. The dismemberment of
Unit-02 and my wounding was too much for his mind to handle. Golden
wings surrounding his EVA was the sight I missed as I had lost
consciousness from blood loss. The surviving footage showed a man
possessed during the fight until none remained and he collapsed
from exhaustion and wounds.
I shake my head and leave the room with Yuki in my arms and
Shinji at my side. The patio offers a better view of the fading
storm as the climax had passed and all that's left is a drizzle.
For all its fury a storm dies quickly and fades from memory of
those who witnessed its power. True love couldn't be more the
opposite I think as pale moonlight illuminates our surroundings. We
leave the security of the house behind and walk through the wet
grass silently.
"Remember Misato's reaction when we said we wants this place?"
How could I forget that reaction I ask myself as we gaze out
over the lights of a rebuilt Tokyo-3 miles away in a valley. Misato
had thrown a fit at the bill but NERV paid for the land and
construction of our home. I walk over to a tree surrounded by wild
flowers and sit on the damp ground uncaring with Shinji coming to
rest next to me. It was this exact spot three years ago that Shinji
got down on bended knee and asked me to marry him while presenting
a diamond engagement ring. I smile as I remember that day.
He had brought me out here for a picnic, which had become
common for us after five years of dating. It was right after I had
finished dessert that he stood up and positioned himself in front
of me, his eyes staring into mine as he proposed. His eyes clear
but holding a bit of fear that grew as I sat there stunned unable
to do or say anything. I had been expecting him to do that for some
time but to actually have him ask me was too much for my mind. It
was when he swallowed and was about to stand that I reached out and
held his hand, telling him yes.
The Angels didn't compare to the nervousness I felt on our
wedding day. Hikari and Misato were such big helps during the
proceeding months but nothing they said quieted the butterflies in
my stomach that day. Slipping my dress on that day was like putting
a plugsuit on for the first time, weird and a little uncomfortable.
I still doubted my decision as the commander of NERV's Second Branch
took my arm and led me down the aisle. Seeing the same fear in
Shinji's eyes took some of mine away as I came to stand next to him.
It was the full ceremony of music and recitings, though both
Shinji and me weren't very religious. We had both written our own
vows since we felt the normal vows would not truly express what we
had gone through or felt for each other. As we slipped the rings on
it felt like something was breaking and it only increased as Shinji
lifted my veil and we kissed as husband and wife. It was then I
realized what I was feeling. Like a phoenix I was being reborn, my
past life being burned away to start anew with Shinji. I could see
the same realization in his eyes as he pulled from me.
But it was an incomplete rebirth for the both of us, as parts
of our pasts remained open. Shinji had hoped that his father would
have been released from prison for this day but it was not to
happen. The authorities had said that it would be too dangerous and
could draw more attention to us. Security was always around us,
protecting everyone from those who blamed us for stopping man's
enlightenment. So they had a live feed to the prison for Gendo but I
could tell it was not the same as having him there for Shinji.
As for myself I was without any biological family to watch me
get married. Our family was very small with few aunts and uncles
scattered through the world, my grandparents had already passed
away. My stepmother and I had never gotten along but I still
invited her to come, wanting to heal the past with her. She declined
the offer. The pain of that was nothing compared to the response
papa gave me. He had told me I was a big girl and had been for a
long time. That I didn't need to cling to him or need his permission
to do what I wanted.
"What's wrong?"
At Shinji's voice I become aware of tears sliding down my
cheeks from my memories. I shake my head in the negative not
trusting my voice at the moment, afraid that it will give away what
I'm feeling. Shinji cups my chin in his palm and turns my head
gently so I'm facing him. He smiles the smile that melts my heart
and wipes the tears away with his other hand. We both lean forward
and meet in a kiss, just enjoying the feeling for as long as we can.
Yuki squirms in my arms and we stand to go back into the house. As
we do I can only think one thing.
We lived, we died, and we were reborn. I now know what it
means to live and I love it.
* * * *
Man, this is the shortest story I have written. I tried to
stay away from the usual amount of detail in my other stories and
just concentrate on Asuka's thoughts. I hoped I succeeded. There
are a lot of short stories where Shinji reflects on the past and
what is the present for him but little if any of Asuka doing the
same. She is just as complex as Shinji and I think she would reflex
on what happened to her. Asuka may just not do it as often as
Shinji would, instead wanting to concentrate on the present.
As for Asuka's stepmother and father I found them cold in the
one scene during the series, never calling or writing Asuka. I
figure that Asuka's stepmother would refuse to come since she
seemed not to care too much for Asuka. The part of Asuka being too
mature just doesn't fly with me. If she felt anything for Asuka she
would see the maturity as a plus, not a negative. As for her father
all you have to do is look at his virtual abandonment of his
daughter. Leaving her alone to care for herself while he worked and
giving care over to NERV after Kyoko died doesn't point to a man
that wanted to care for a child. Which brings up the question, did
he ever want Asuka?
Anyway C&C is always welcome.
Red Horseman: eva_pilot9@secondimpact.com
Finished July 28, 2001
Life
Red Horseman
Think where man's glory most begins and ends.
And say my glory was I had such friends.
---- William Butler Yeats
* * * *
Rain.
Thin rivulets of the life sustaining fluid flow down the
glass pane as I watch the storm rage beyond the window. Placing my
fingers against the window I can feel the slight vibrations the
winds and impact of droplets cause to course through the crystalline
structure. Halos of condensation form around the tips of my fingers
as they press lightly against the cool surface, clouds forming in
front of me as I breathe slowly, steadily. I am aware of my
surroundings, but it feels like I'm detached from my actions, like
this is all some kind of dream. It's not scary or unnerving, but has
a calming affect as the ordered chaos interrupted a calm day for me.
Ordered chaos.
What an oxymoron. How can something that is ordered be chaotic
at the same time, but it describes a storm perfectly. A set number
of events have to take place to trigger a thunderstorm or else it
fails. A shift in the winds, a drop or rise in temperature, or any
another number of factors can change something so spectacular and
beautiful into nothing but gray clouds. But if all the events occur
at the proper time and place you have something so wonderfully
chaotic in execution. Life is exactly the same.
My days years ago were the exact opposite of the storm outside
unleashing torrents of rain and jagged bolts of lightning. Calm and
quiet with bouts of chaos thrown in at times to break up the
routine. I would sit bored as another dull school day progressed
listening to the doctored versions of what happened during the
Second Impact and the years after. Everyone would tune out the
teacher after having heard the 'facts' over and over, not caring
that everything was lies. My friends would almost as one turn on
their computers and chat quietly without drawing attention, the
class soon following our examples.
Thunder rolls through the country as a dull rumble but I don't
move. At times during school the girls around me would talk about
which boy was cute or who was dating whom. I tried not to listen to
such things as I had more important things to worry about, the bouts
of chaos called Angels. Would I live through the next Angel or be
injured? Would someone be killed because of my actions? Would the
other pilots continue to respect or accept me? That everyone's life
on Earth was on our shoulders was a great burden and responsibility.
But the truth was I never expected to find the right person
and fall in love with them. I had been alone so long that I was
becoming used to the situation, pretending that it was no big deal.
My life would continue as long as Death allowed me to, whether alone
or together with someone didn't matter to him, he is patient. Like
the warning signs of an approaching storm, love has it's own signs.
It slowly builds until what you thought would pass you up is
suddenly right in front of you and hits you with all of its power.
Very scary, very unnerving if not expected, but oh so calming after
it's initial impact.
A jagged bolt of white light sears my eyes as lightning strikes
what seems to be the next hilltop over from me. The after images of
the bolt float in front of my eyes and I think how alike the Angels
were to lightning. The Angels would appear out of nowhere completely
unpredictable, just like lightning. A day would be slow and lazy
with me enjoying it in some way and then boom, an Angel attack. And
like lightning the Angels were deadly to the recipients of their
unleashed power. But unlike the connection of ground to sky the
Angels could kill everyone on the planet in one strike.
Turning from the window I stare at my life's partner asleep in
our bed as the building shakes from the crash of thunder. As the
after-effects of the thunder flow through the hills I can't help but
draw similarities again between nature and the Angels. Like the
thunder, the after-effects of the Angels are still felt after the
act is done and over with. What took a split second in life to occur
is forever etched in the memories of those who fought the Angels.
Neither of us came through the ordeal unscathed. Physical and
mental scars are still present on both our bodies and in our minds.
Some just have more than others do. Where others fell in love
happily, ours was a different kind of courtship. It was a painful
healing process of being there for each other when you didn't want
to hear any more painful details. Pain and sadness were our bonds,
but they grew to become love. Childhood details and the pain
inflicted upon us gave way to flowers and dates. Plugsuits and EVAs
were exchanged for a wedding and later a house. All is not healed or
perfect and they never will be, we understand that.
Suddenly a high pitched noise fills the room and my body
straightens and tenses as old reflexes take over. I relax,
remembering that the Angels are no longer and the EVAs are sealed
away. The noise pauses before starting again and I recognize it as
a child crying, specifically ours. Silently I open the door to the
hallway and walk down the dark corridor to the light at the end.
Darkness I still hate as it makes me feel alone in the world, unable
to touch or see whom I love or them me.
So it is with relief that I step again into the light, no
matter how dim it is. Walking over to the crib I see that Yuki is
awake and crying staring up at me with wide blue eyes. She is a
bundle of chaos wrapped up in cuteness and innocence, causing us so
many headaches during a day. But we wouldn't have it any other way.
Picking her up I check to see if anything is amiss but find nothing
wrong. Cradling her in my arms Yuki rests her head against my chest,
going silent as we share our warmth. It's amazing what a simple act,
such as holding someone in your arms can do for both people.
Rocking Yuki gently in my arms I gaze down at our baby girl.
They say a child takes after both parents in their features but not
Yuki. She definitely has more of her mother in her than her father,
not that it was a bad thing. I hope she is more gentle natured and
doesn't have the problems we did growing up. Having a mother and
father looking after her will be the least of her worries. We both
love her and each other, we'll never leave given a choice.
Not having Yuki grow up like us came up frequently during the
pregnancy when we would have time to just sit around with no tasks
to do. The world is harsh enough but having to grow up too soon is
too much to ask of a child. We were never normal and it showed in
our daily activities and interactions. Others enjoyed their
childhoods with families and friends as we watched ours being torn
apart, alone in our suffering. Normal teenagers had only to worry
about simple things like school or finding a date while we were
subjected to tests and trials that would cause people to go pale.
Some did as details of what we went through came out during the
tribunals. Yuki would have as much of a normal life as possible.
Wetness soaked through my shirt from Yuki's drooling but I
didn't care as long as she was content. A song I remember my mother
singing to me as a baby is coming from my lips. It is soft and
gentle telling of love and kindness for the child. I'm lost in the
song and cradling Yuki that I don't notice my significant other walk
into the room.
"Asuka."
Turning I look at Shinji as he wipes his eyes and covers a yawn
with one hand. He is my partner in life now and I am his, we'll
never let each other be alone anymore. When I realized that the
person I had been wanting in life had been in front of me for more
then a year I didn't want to believe it. How could I have fallen
for a quiet, shy boy who was always unsure of himself? But as he
comes up besides me and wraps an arm around me I remember the
changes.
Gone was the boy I had known during the Angel War, to be
replaced by a strong, confident man. As he touches my damaged arm I
know that he is still so caring but he won't coddle me, for which
I'm glad. He'll hold me and protect me, as much as I allow, from
anything that can hurt me, except my own foolishness. The innocence
is gone from his eyes and features but they soften whenever they
look at Yuki or me. At other times they show the horror we had to
endure as nightmares invade his mind.
Everyone had expected Shinji to snap as things kept piling up,
myself included. But how am I to speak of others when I snapped
myself, a scar to remember my foolish pride. Yet Shinji did snap
and for my sake as he has told me before. The dismemberment of
Unit-02 and my wounding was too much for his mind to handle. Golden
wings surrounding his EVA was the sight I missed as I had lost
consciousness from blood loss. The surviving footage showed a man
possessed during the fight until none remained and he collapsed
from exhaustion and wounds.
I shake my head and leave the room with Yuki in my arms and
Shinji at my side. The patio offers a better view of the fading
storm as the climax had passed and all that's left is a drizzle.
For all its fury a storm dies quickly and fades from memory of
those who witnessed its power. True love couldn't be more the
opposite I think as pale moonlight illuminates our surroundings. We
leave the security of the house behind and walk through the wet
grass silently.
"Remember Misato's reaction when we said we wants this place?"
How could I forget that reaction I ask myself as we gaze out
over the lights of a rebuilt Tokyo-3 miles away in a valley. Misato
had thrown a fit at the bill but NERV paid for the land and
construction of our home. I walk over to a tree surrounded by wild
flowers and sit on the damp ground uncaring with Shinji coming to
rest next to me. It was this exact spot three years ago that Shinji
got down on bended knee and asked me to marry him while presenting
a diamond engagement ring. I smile as I remember that day.
He had brought me out here for a picnic, which had become
common for us after five years of dating. It was right after I had
finished dessert that he stood up and positioned himself in front
of me, his eyes staring into mine as he proposed. His eyes clear
but holding a bit of fear that grew as I sat there stunned unable
to do or say anything. I had been expecting him to do that for some
time but to actually have him ask me was too much for my mind. It
was when he swallowed and was about to stand that I reached out and
held his hand, telling him yes.
The Angels didn't compare to the nervousness I felt on our
wedding day. Hikari and Misato were such big helps during the
proceeding months but nothing they said quieted the butterflies in
my stomach that day. Slipping my dress on that day was like putting
a plugsuit on for the first time, weird and a little uncomfortable.
I still doubted my decision as the commander of NERV's Second Branch
took my arm and led me down the aisle. Seeing the same fear in
Shinji's eyes took some of mine away as I came to stand next to him.
It was the full ceremony of music and recitings, though both
Shinji and me weren't very religious. We had both written our own
vows since we felt the normal vows would not truly express what we
had gone through or felt for each other. As we slipped the rings on
it felt like something was breaking and it only increased as Shinji
lifted my veil and we kissed as husband and wife. It was then I
realized what I was feeling. Like a phoenix I was being reborn, my
past life being burned away to start anew with Shinji. I could see
the same realization in his eyes as he pulled from me.
But it was an incomplete rebirth for the both of us, as parts
of our pasts remained open. Shinji had hoped that his father would
have been released from prison for this day but it was not to
happen. The authorities had said that it would be too dangerous and
could draw more attention to us. Security was always around us,
protecting everyone from those who blamed us for stopping man's
enlightenment. So they had a live feed to the prison for Gendo but I
could tell it was not the same as having him there for Shinji.
As for myself I was without any biological family to watch me
get married. Our family was very small with few aunts and uncles
scattered through the world, my grandparents had already passed
away. My stepmother and I had never gotten along but I still
invited her to come, wanting to heal the past with her. She declined
the offer. The pain of that was nothing compared to the response
papa gave me. He had told me I was a big girl and had been for a
long time. That I didn't need to cling to him or need his permission
to do what I wanted.
"What's wrong?"
At Shinji's voice I become aware of tears sliding down my
cheeks from my memories. I shake my head in the negative not
trusting my voice at the moment, afraid that it will give away what
I'm feeling. Shinji cups my chin in his palm and turns my head
gently so I'm facing him. He smiles the smile that melts my heart
and wipes the tears away with his other hand. We both lean forward
and meet in a kiss, just enjoying the feeling for as long as we can.
Yuki squirms in my arms and we stand to go back into the house. As
we do I can only think one thing.
We lived, we died, and we were reborn. I now know what it
means to live and I love it.
* * * *
Man, this is the shortest story I have written. I tried to
stay away from the usual amount of detail in my other stories and
just concentrate on Asuka's thoughts. I hoped I succeeded. There
are a lot of short stories where Shinji reflects on the past and
what is the present for him but little if any of Asuka doing the
same. She is just as complex as Shinji and I think she would reflex
on what happened to her. Asuka may just not do it as often as
Shinji would, instead wanting to concentrate on the present.
As for Asuka's stepmother and father I found them cold in the
one scene during the series, never calling or writing Asuka. I
figure that Asuka's stepmother would refuse to come since she
seemed not to care too much for Asuka. The part of Asuka being too
mature just doesn't fly with me. If she felt anything for Asuka she
would see the maturity as a plus, not a negative. As for her father
all you have to do is look at his virtual abandonment of his
daughter. Leaving her alone to care for herself while he worked and
giving care over to NERV after Kyoko died doesn't point to a man
that wanted to care for a child. Which brings up the question, did
he ever want Asuka?
Anyway C&C is always welcome.
Red Horseman: eva_pilot9@secondimpact.com