The One With the Free Passes
Here's part 3 of the Secrecy series, taking place a week later. The majority
of this takes place outside of the Friends element, so you'll have to use your
imagination.
Warning: I think this one sucks big time, but whatever.
[Scene: Monica & Rachel's. Everyone is there except Joey and Phoebe.]
Rach: What do you guys want to do tonight?
Mon: What did you have in mind?
Rach: I don't know... maybe a movie?
Ross: A movie is good... (touches his wig) It's dark...
Chan: I was planning on sitting around here all evening, but I could sit in
a theater.
Rach: That's great Chandler..
Chan: I mean, either way my butt's gonna fall asleep.
Mon: (whispers to Chandler) I'll rub it awake if you want me to.
Rach: So okay then. I'll call the theater and see what's showing. (picks up
the phone)
Phoe: (enters) Hey!
All: Hey Phoebe!
Phoe: Okay, guess what?
Mon: What?
Phoe: Okay, I was with a client today and he gave me ten free passes to a
new club!
Mon: What are you going to do with ten passes?
Phoe: Well I thought we could use six of them, and the other four I could
sell for a little pocket change. (giggles)
Ross: I don't know Pheebs...
Phoe: Oh come on! This is great. When was the last time we shook our groove
thing?
Chan: When it was cool to say 'shake your groove thing'.
Mon: I'll go, it might be fun.
Ross: What club is it?
Phoe: Who cares! It must be cool if you need passes, huh?
Chan: No, getting on a list is pretty cool, getting passes sounds like the
prom. No wait, my prom also had a list..
Rach: (hanging up the phone) Okay there's a showing at 7 and 9..
Mon: Hey Rach, you wanna go to a club with me and Phoebe?
Rach: Yeah! That'll be great.
Ross: What happened to going to the movies? I really wanted to see Cats and
Dogs!
Chan: Alright, I'm in too.
Ross: Man!
Joey: (enters) Hey, turn on the news! Quick!
Mon: (turns TV on) Joey, what's going on?
Before Joey could reply the news came on.
Anchorwoman on TV: Good evening and thanks for joining us. Our top story
today is the grand opening of a new exclusive club in Manhattan. The owner,
business tycoon Steven Mitchell..
Phoe: Hey, that's my client!
Anchorwoman: .. has his publicity machine working overtime in hopes of
making the opening of his new speakeasy, the Tabernacle, a success. And it
doesn't hurt that actor David Arquette is putting in a special appearance--
Joey: (turns TV off) Do you know what this means?
All: No.
Joey: This is a huge break for me. David Arquette is filming a movie here!
We have to get into that club tonight!
Everyone looks at Phoebe.
Phoe: Oh, now you wanna go!
[Time Lapse to later that evening, the girl's apartment. Everyone but Joey
and Ross is there and ready to go to the club.]
Mon: You guys, I think we need to leave right now. There could be a long
line and we might not be able to get in.
Rach: (looks at her watch) Yeah, it is getting late. What's taking Joey so
long?
Chan: He's in the mirror practicing how to say hello to David Arquette. And
the funny thing is, he keeps saying 'I loved Ready to Rumble, I don't know what
everyone else was thinking.'
Phoe: Well he needs to get his ass over here so we can go.
Ross: (enters) Hey, is everybody ready?
Rach: Finally! What took you so-- (turns around and screams) Aahh!
All: What?
Rach: Oh God, I am so sorry. I just can't get used to that wig!
Chan: That makes two of us.
Mon: Make that three.
Ross: Come on you guys, it's not that bad. (turns to Phoebe) You like it,
right Pheebs?
Phoe: Uh-huh!
Ross: See, at least one of my friends supports me.
Rach: (leans over to Ross) Uh, this is Phoebe we're talking about.
Ross: (looks at Phoebe swatting the air around her) Yeah, I know..
[Switch to Monica and Chandler on the couch]
Mon: I don't know if going out tonight is a good idea.
Chan: Why?
Mon: Because, we can't act like a real couple.
Chan: Yeah, you're right. Then I'll have to watch some guy in a tight shirt
name Jake dancing with my woman!
Mon: Ooh, I love it when you get all possessive.
Chan: Well there's more where that came from...... (speaks the obvious) In
the bedroom.
Mon: (smiles) Yeah I know.
Chandler looks at Ross, Rachel and Phoebe and sees that they're in their own
conversation.
Chan: And I know I didn't say anything earlier, but you look so sexy tonight.
Mon: Really?
Chan: Yes, I thought you looked so hot I put it on my list. See (shows
Monica a list with grocery needs and 'Monica is Hot!' on it)
Mon: You are so sweet! Weird, but sweet.
Rachel happens to look over at Monica laughing in a flirtatious way with
Chandler and doesn't know what to make of it.
Mon: And you look, so handsome. (caresses his cheek) I could just eat you..
Chan: Oh, you're just hungry. But by all means, eat. (Monica laughs again)
[Switch back to Rachel, Ross and Phoebe in the kitchen]
Phoe: Ross no one is going to notice your wig tonight.
Ross: You think so?
Phoe: Oh totally! They'll be too busy watching me. (laughs) Plus, it'll be
dark.
Ross: Cool! Rachel, what do you think? (Rachel isn't paying attention) Rach!
Rach: Um, yes? What were you saying?
Ross: What do you think about me tonight with the wig?
Rach: Honestly Ross I try not to think about it.
Phoe: Look Ross, you've gotta stop obsessing about this! Who cares about
your hair! We're going out tonight to have a good time, damn it, and we will!
Ross: You're right Pheebs, I'm sorry, okay?
Joey: (enters) Alright, it's time to make Joey a big movie star!
Mon: Hey Joey, did you decide which voice to speak to David Arquette with?
Joey: I don't know what you're talking about. (glares at Chandler)
Mon: (laughs) I'm kidding. I'm sure he'll be very impressed.
Rach: Yeah honey, you look great.
Joey: I do?
Phoe: Oh yeah. If I were an actor I'd put you in my movie.
Joey: Thanks you guys, but I still don't know what you're talking about.
(glares at Chandler again)
Ross: Uh, can we compliment Joey on the way to the club?
Mon: Yeah, we should go. Now people!
They finally leave the apartment, with Monica, Joey and Chandler walking out
last.
Joey: I hope you guys are right about tonight. I have to make a good
impression.
Mon: Sweetie, everything's going to be fine, and you look great!
Joey: Thanks Mon. (stares at her butt as she walks out the door)
Chan: Hey! What are you doing?
Joey: You want people to suspect anything about you and Monica? We have to
act normal. (off Chandler's glare) Okay, it's a great ass!
Chan: (nods in agreement) You do have a point my man.
[Scene: Manhattan. The gang is standing in line. {"What it feels like
for a girl" by Madonna can be heard from inside the club.}]
Phoe: This is so exciting! I can't wait to get in.
Ross: Me either..
Rach: Just imagine all the cute guys in there. (looks around) And it looks
like I won't have to clock any of these women.
Mon: Aren't we a little overexcited? I mean, it's like we're in sugar shock.
Phoe: You guys think we spend too much time at the coffee house?
All: (they think for a second) Nah!
Joey: It looks like we're about to go in. Now listen you guys, when we get in
here, try not to act like you've never seen anyone famous before.
Mon: Joey, please. We're not going to embarrass you.
Joey: I know, and I'm sorry. I just don't want to mess this up.
Rach: Joey, you just concentrate on meeting David Arquette and getting that
role. You won't even know we're in there.
[Time Lapse: Inside the Tabernacle.]
Rach: (pointing) Oh my God! Joey there he is!
Joey: Thank you Rachel, I see him. In fact everyone here can see him, he's
on stage.
Rach: I'm sorry Joey.
Chan: Way to be invisible, Rach..
Rach: Shouldn't you be somewhere getting rejected by all these women?
Ross: (laughing) Ooh, that was good.
Chan: And I'm sure you're just the chick magnet with your hair helmet.
Ross quickly replaces his smirk with a glare.
Phoe: Okay you guys are ruining this for me with your bad energy. Come on,
Mon, let's go pick up some hotties.
Rach: I wanna come too! (follows Phoebe and Monica)
Ross: So it's just us guys..
Joey: Actually it's just you guys. I see a hot girl who needs some
Joey-love. See ya. (walks off)
Ross: Well it's just you and me Chandler..
Chan: I think I'm gonna go over here. (walks five feet away from him and
looks away)
Ross: (looking around and says to himself) So it's just you... Ross.
[Scene: The Bar. The girls have just ordered a round of cosmopolitans.]
Rach: (chugging her drink) Oh, this is so good. I can't believe I don't
drink more of these.
Mon: You don't drink them because you can't handle vodka.
Phoe: This tastes like Kool-Aid.
Mon: Are you serious? Phoebe this is made with pure grain alcohol.
Phoe: Eh.. (catches the eye of a guy across the bar) Ooh, Hottie alert.
Check you girls later. (walks over to the guy)
Mon: Phoebe makes it look so easy to pick up a guy.
Rach: I know. I'd love to be able to walk up to a guy and just ask three
basic questions.
Mon: What are they?
Rach: How big? How long? And what is your name?
Mon: (laughs) If only it could be so easy. Maybe you should slow down with
the cosmos.
Rach: Yeah, I'm starting to think I'm one of those bridge and tunnel girls.
Mon: damn straight.
Rach: Ooh, yeah. But wait, didn't they have a lot of sex?
Mon: Yes.
Rach: That might not be so bad.
[Switch to Ross standing next to a woman, say Gabrielle Union, near the
dance floor.]
Ross: uh, Hi.
Wm.: Hi.
Ross: So are you enjoying yourself?
Wm.: (speaks loudly) What?
Ross: (speaks loudly) I said, are you enjoying yourself?
Wm.: Oh yeah! Great time!
Ross: Listen, can I buy you a drink?!
Wm.: Sure! Thank you. Can you bring two martinis?
Ross: Quite a drinker, huh? Okay, I'll be right back. (goes to the bar and
comes back a few minutes later) Here we go, two marti--
Ross sees that the woman is no longer by herself. She's with another
woman.... and they're kissing.
Wm.: Thanks!
Ross: You're with a woman. You didn't tell me that.
Wm.: Who did you think the other drink was for?
Ross: I don't know. I thought you were an alcoholic. (laughs nervously) But
you're just a lesbian, and I've had enough of those. I'm just gonna go now..
(quickly rushes off)
[A montage of scenes coming up with Joey trying to meet David Arquette. First
scene shows Joey on the side of the stage waiting on David to walk by, and
he gets pushed over by a huge crowd of fans. Second scene shows David at
a VIP booth and Joey walking up, but is immediately picked up by two body
guards and carried away. Third scene shows Joey speaking to David on the
dance floor, but the music is too loud for him to hear what Joey is saying.]
[Scene: Back at the bar. Monica and Rachel are talking to a guy when Joey
walks up.]
Mon/Rach: Hey Joey.
Joey: I have a favor to ask you.
Rach: Sorry, I'm busy.
Mon: What is it? (Joey pulls her to the side)
Joey: I need you to flirt with David Arquette.
Mon: What? Why?
Joey: Because his bodyguards will only let women talk to him. I've been
trying all night and they won't let me near him!
Mon: Joey I'm not gonna do that.
Joey: Come on Mon! All you have to do is talk to him. Tell him how much you
want to have sex with him, then casually mention me!
Mon: Ew, Joey! No, that's disgusting! (walks off)
Joey: Hey, Rach! I have a favor. (walks over to Rachel)
[Cut to: Monica finds Chandler on the dance floor looking like a dancing
fool.]
Mon: Wow, you sure can.... whatever.
Chan: I'll take that as a compliment. (they walk to a table)
Mon: Where've you been? I haven't seen you all night.
Chan: Mostly with Phoebe, and trying to dodge Ross.
Mon: Will I get at least one dance from you before we leave?
Chan: You can get more than one dance.
Chandler pulls Monica on the dance floor as Nikka Costa's "Like a
Feather" plays.
[Time Lapse: Back at the bar. Monica is by herself when David Arquette joins
her.]
Dave: Hello.
Mon: Hi. Wait, aren't you..?
Dave: (smiles) Yeah, but don't hold it against me. (Monica laughs)
Mon: Are you here because of Joey?
Dave: Who's Joey?
Mon: Oh, never mind.
Dave: So, you know my name, but I don't know yours.
Mon: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm Monica.
Dave: Monica, that's a pretty name. It's nice to meet you. Can I buy you a
drink?
Mon: No, thanks.
Dave: So is Joey your boyfriend?
Mon: (laughing) Are you kidding me! No, he's just a friend.
Dave: That's good to know. Do you think we could get to know each other a
little better?
Mon: Wow, David, you mean like swap diaries or something? (David gives her a
sexy look)
David: We could do that too, but actually I meant going out sometime.
Mon: (looks across the room at Chandler) I'm really flattered, but I'm kind
of seeing someone right now.
Dave: I'm sorry, I didn't know.
Mon: That's okay. I'm sorry too.
[Switch to Rachel and Chandler across the room.]
Rach: I wonder what they're talking about.
Chan: Who?
Rach: Monica and David Arquette.
Chan: What? Monica's talking to him?
Rach: Yeah, and they seem to be having a good time.
Chandler frowns when he sees Monica smiling and laughing with David.
Rach: Oh, he's leaving. I'm going to go find out what he said.
[Switch back to Monica at the bar. Rachel sits down next to her.]
Rach: Hey Mon.
Mon: Hey.
Rach: So what was that about?
Mon: What was what about?
Rach: You and David... there was a whole lot of smiling and laughing going
on.
Mon: And that's all it was. He's a nice guy.
Rach: Isn't he? He's so funny.
Mon: Don't tell me you like him? (laughing) Oh my God, he's not even your
type!
Rach: That's what makes it so crazy. When we talked he was so sweet.
Mon: Wait, so you talked to him? Did you tell him about Joey?
Rach: No.... Nooo! Oh no! I totally forgot about that!
Mon: No wonder he had no idea who Joey was.
Rach: Oh well, I'll ask him later. So anyway, what are you going to do?
Mon: About what?
Rach: About what... David! Is this going to be another Jean-Claude incident?
Because if you have your eye on him I will stay away.
Mon: Really?
Rach: Yes, and this time I mean it.
Mon: Thank you Rachel. But there's nothing going on. I kind of have my eye
on someone else, if you know what I mean. (giggles)
Rach: Really? Tell me who it is!
Mon: All I will say is that he is amazing. And when the time is right, you
will meet him.
Rach: Well what if he calls the apartment one day? How should I address him?
Mon: Rach, I'm not telling you his name.
Rach: Damnit!
[Scene: Lounge area. Phoebe, Rachel, Joey and Ross are at a booth. {Jill
Scott's on stage singing "Show Me"}]
Phoe: Well I'm ready to get the hell out of here.
Ross: I thought you were having a great time.
Phoe: Yeah, but that was before the vodka wore off.
Ross: What?
Rach: Please don't ask.
Ross: Actually I'm ready to go too. This was the worse night ever!
Joey: How?
Ross: All the women here are lesbians.
Joey: Well if that's true then Joey has won back a few for the home team.
Besides, I should be the only one complaining about tonight!
Phoe/Ross: Why?
Joey: Did you see me talk to David Arquette at all tonight? (turns to
Rachel) You talked to him right? And he didn't ask anything about me?
Rach: Uh no honey, I'm sorry. I'm gonna go find Chandler and Monica so we
can go. (rushes off)
[Cut to the dance floor. Chandler and Monica are slow dancing.]
Chan: I told you we'd get to dance.
Mon: You sure did. And you're a really good dancer.
Chan: That's only because I'm dancing with you, and I like the way your hips
move.
Mon: (smiles) Well I like that you like the way my hips move.
Chan: And you know what else I like? (kisses Monica down her neck)
Mon: (moans) No, but I like what you're doing now.
Chan: I like, no make that love, the way your tongue moves. (kisses Monica
deeply)
[Switch to Rachel walking through the crowd looking for Chandler and Monica.
She sees them on the dance floor in a very tight embrace, kissing.]
Rach: Oh my God! What are they doing!
Ross walks up behind her.
Ross: What is who doing?
Rach: (turning around quickly) Oh my God! You scared the hell out of me!
Don't do that!
Ross: I'm sorry. Who were you looking at?
Rach: Who said I was looking at someone?
Ross: You just screamed 'what are they doing!' so I just assumed....
Rach: Well you know what Ross? You shouldn't assume things.
Ross: But--
Rach: Let's go this way. (walks back in the other direction)
[Scene: Monica & Rachel's. Everybody but Ross and Phoebe are there.]
Rach: I am so tired, my bed is calling my name.
Joey: Is it calling my name too? Cause.. (Rachel glares at him)
Mon: Well I'm going to bed. All that dancing wore me out.
Rach: (mumbles) Not to mention the kissing.
Chan/Mon: What?
Rach: Nothing. I'm going to bed.
Joey: See you girls tomorrow.
Mon: Goodnight. (winks at Chandler)
Chan: Goodnight. (winks back)
[Scene: Phoebe's building. Ross is walking her to her door.]
Phoe: Thanks for seeing me home Ross.
Ross: Sure no problem.
Phoe: I'm sorry you didn't have a good time tonight.
Ross: Yeah, me too. I just don't get it!
Phoe: (rubs his arm) It's their loss, if they can't see what a great guy you
are.
Ross: Thanks Pheebs.
They hug for a moment before slowly coming apart. Something is very
different between them, more like an instant attraction. They lean in closer
and kiss softly at first before the kiss gets deeper.
Ross/Phoe: (slowly breaking apart) Wow!
[Scene: Rachel's bedroom late that night. Rachel is tossing and turning when
she hears Monica's bedroom door open.]
Rach: (cracking her door open) I wonder why Monica is up so late..
Monica opens the door to reveal Chandler.
Mon: (whispering) I'm glad you're here.
Chan: (whispering back) Me too. I had to wait until Joey went to sleep.
They kiss warmly as a shocked Rachel looks on.
Rach: (covering her mouth with her hand) Oh my God! It is true. (looks out
her door again)
Mon: Let's go to my room before Rachel wakes up. And this time, try to keep
it down.
Chan: Me? I'm not the talker.
Mon: Well when you enjoy it, it makes me enjoy it more.
Chan: Okay, I'll try not to enjoy the sex.
They sneak into Monica's room and Rachel shuts her door.
Rach: This is huge! Monica and Chandler are secretly having sex....
secretly.... (smiles to herself) I know a secret! Ooh, I can't wait to tell
Phoebe!
To Be Continued..
Thanks to Jjaks for the input and funny ass jokes. It doesn't suck nearly as
bad as it did before. :) Please email me at shannonism_2000@yahoo.com, or fill in the
review form below and tell me what you think.