Rating: R, Detailed abuse and self-mutliation.
Author: Tempest
Site: wwfdiva.port5.com
Disclaimer: I don't own anyone recognizable from the WWF. They're owned by WWFE and themselves of course.
Author's notes: The last part in a angst-ridden trilogy. We've heard Jeff's and Matt's story now it's time to listen to Lita's Song. I made this fic the last in the series because it is the saddest story in the trilogy. Even though I use her real name I called it Lita's Song because in the fic Amy feels like it's the end of her career as Lita, and her character is who she finds comfort in. So don't give me hell cause I used her stage name. I'll probably write a epilouge type fic to finish up the story. As stated before, I like the Hardy's and Lita. I would never wish this upon any of them. And for the girl who read my last fic about Matt. Read disclaimer's more carefully, hun. You're the one who comes out looking like a fool.
*denotes thoughts
//denotes lyrics
It's Alright Ma (I'm Only Bleeding) - Bob Dylan
//Darkness at the break of noon
Shadows even the silver spoon
The handmade blade, the child's balloon
Eclipses both the sun and moon
To understand you know too soon
There is no sense in trying.//
She didn't understand what was going on around her. Everything looked like it was falling apart. That couldn't happen. Everything couldn't fall apart. She didn't want everything to just fall apart. She had dealt with too much in her life for this to happen. Before she hit it big, she remebered a time when she had lived with two abusive boyfriends She remembered a time when she didn't know where her next meal was coming from or if she was going to live to see the next day. She remembered a time when her mother died and she blamed her father. Going to wrestling school had been the best decision in her life. It was a unexpected redemption. It was like telling her she had another chance to try and do something for herself, to become someone. But now everything was falling apart. She didn't understand what was wrong with Jeff. She would put it off as typical Jeff behaviour, except when she thought about it, it wasn't so typical. Matt thought she was a slut. She didn't know if it was the alcohol talking or him pretending that the alcohol was talking. They were slowly drifting apart. They were hurting one another. She knew that if they didn't get things together fast, there would be no more Hardy's or Lita in the WWF. She went to the bathroom and pulled a razor out of her pocket.
//Pointed threats, they bluff with scorn
Suicide remarks are torn
From the fool's gold mouthpiece
The hollow horn plays wasted words
Proves to warn that he not busy being born
Is busy dying.//
She had tried to stop. She tried to remember when she had started. It had to be when she was living in New York with her first boyfriend, Ryan. That was the first time she had ever really been in a bad relationship. He wanted complete control over her. He wanted her to jump when he said jump. If she didn't there would be hell to pay. She remembered the first time he had hit her. He said his food was cold, and he demanded that she cook him some more. She had refused saying the microwave wasn't a new invention. He jumped up from the table and grabbed her by her hair and slapped her. He told her she needed to watch her mouth. He apologized afterwards, but it became more and more of a frequent routine. He started to punch her. And slam her face into things such as doors, walls, anything he could find. After a particulary bad beating. She went in to the room and locked herself in it. She was determined to end her life. She pulled a razor out of her drawer and cut a long gash across one of her wrist. She did the same thing on the other. The pain made her feel better. It overpowered everything that she was feeling. It was orgasmic in a sense that it made her feel like she was in total ectasy. To her it just felt right.
//Temptation's page flies out the door
You follow, find yourself at war
Watch waterfalls of pity roar
You feel to moan but unlike before
You discover that you'd just be
One more person crying.//
Ryan broke down the door that first time and found her nearly unconcious on the bed. He rushed her to the hospital. She was unconcious by the time they got there. When they stabilized her and she woke up, it was like the ending to a happy dream. She didn't want to live, she wanted to die. When Ryan came into the room she was in. He told her that if he ever caught her trying to kill herself again, she'd be sorry. And if she was so intent on killing herself she could at least cut her wrist the right way. After she got out of the hopital, she started cutting herself regulary wherever she could. She learned to make shallow cuts that she could easly bandage and cover-up. The abuse got worse finally one day while he was at work. She ran. She didn't care where she went. As long as she got away from Ryan. She was barely 20 at the time. She had nowhere to go and only 20 dollars. She felt this had to be the absolute all time low for her. She started cutting 5 or more times a day. It was like a drug. When she did it, she forget everything that was going on in her life.
//So don't fear if you hear
A foreign sound to your ear
It's alright, Ma, I'm only sighing.//
She wanted to go back home to her parents, but her father had put her out. He wanted her gone before he came back from work. He was the dominant force in the house. He said that Amy was too rebellious. She didn't abide by his rules therefore she couldn't live in his house. Her mother didn't want her to go. She was only 17, but she had packed her things and told her mother not to worry. She didn't have anywhere to go. Luckily she had met Ryan, and he had taken her in. She still wrote to her mother regularly. Her mother had went and got her own P.O. Box so her father couldn't intercept the mail. She sent Amy money and talked about the day when they would see each other again. Here she was 3 years later no better than when she left her parents house. She walked the streets of New York for two days until she stopped in a diner and was about to buy breakfast with her last five dollars. Her waitress was a nice girl who's name was Joanna. She took one look at Amy and told Amy that breakfast was on the house. She could tell a broken girl when she saw one. Amy usually wouldn't take charity, but she swallowed her pride. When Joanna brought her food back out to her, she sat down at the table Amy was at.
"Hi, I'm Joanna." she said.
"I'm Amy." Amy said quietly.
"I'm getting off work now, and You looked like you needed a friend."
Amy eyed her warily. Joanna smiled at her. She looked down at Amy's wrist. The jacket that Amy had on revealed her bandages. Joanna turned Amy's arms over. Amy bursted out in tears. She told Joanna everything even about the cutting. Joanna told her that Amy could live with her. She lived in a two bedroom apartment that she thought that she was going to have to give up. She would talk to the manager of the diner about giving Amy a job. She could help her pay half the rent and utlitites. She told Amy not to worry everything would work out.
//As some warn victory, some downfall
Private reasons great or small
Can be seen in the eyes of those that call
To make all that should be killed to crawl
While others say don't hate nothing at all
Except hatred.//
Amy did get a job at the diner, and she did move in with Joanna. She got herself help and she stopped cutting. She wrote her mother regularly. Everything was working out like Joanna said. She was the happiest she had ever been since she left her home. She lived with Joanna for 3 years. She was then working as a secretary for a small business, then. That's when she got call that changed her life. Her mother had died in a car accident leaving her father. She had found out he was cheating on her, had been for years. She wanted a divorce. He said they could work things out. She had stormed out. She had run a red light in her anger and ended up in a car accident. Amy went to the bathroom and cut herself. She watched as the blood formed around the cut. *Old habits do die hard.* She thought. She blamed her father for what happened. He was always a tight ass son-of-a-bitch. She had never been close to her father. He didn't know what it meant to be a father. He was a tyrant, and now he had killed her mother. She went to the funeral. Joanna accompanied her. She sat as far away as she could from her father. After the funeral, her father came up to her.
"So, the prodigal daughter returns." He said sadly.
"Only for my mother's sake. You killed my mother. I hope you die a slow painful death." Amy yelled and ran away from him.
She went inside the church bathroom and pulled the razor out of her purse. She cried as she cut herself.
//Disillusioned words like bullets bark
As human gods aim for their mark
Made everything from toy guns that spark
To flesh-colored Christs that glow in the dark
It's easy to see without looking too far
That not much is really sacred.//
When she got back to New York a fellow co-worker named Deacon offered his sympathy. He took her out to dinner. She thought that maybe she had found the one, but he was just another Ryan in sheep's clothing. For the first year she dated him, he was perfect or so she thought. After being with him for 1 year she moved out of the apartment that she and Joanna shared. She promised to call Joanna everyday. Joanna also told her if anything ever went wrong she could always come back. She lived with Deacon for 3 months in total bliss. Once again, the cutting stopped. Then one day she went to work, and got sick. She had been feeling sick a lot lately. Deacon had the day off, so she thought she would surprise him. She unlocked the door to the apartment they shared. She expected him to be watching T.V., but it was quiet. Maybe he had went out to the store or something. She walked to the bedroom to change into something more comfortable. When she opened the door she saw Deacon and some girl sleep in their bed. She didn't make a sound as she silently ran ro the bathroom and threw up. She walked out of the bathroom and went back to the bedroom. She slammed the bedroom door. They jumped up with a start.
//While preachers preach of evil fates
Teachers teach that knowledge waits
Can lead to hundred-dollar plates
Goodness hides behind its gates
But even the president of the United States
Sometimes must have to stand naked.//
"A-amy, what are you doing here?" Deacon asked his eyes wide in fear.
"It doesn't matter now does it?" Amy replied.
"I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Heather." Deacon stammered.
"Your friend, huh? Well, don't worry, she won't be just your friend for long."
"What are you trying to say?" Deacon said.
"I'm saying I've had too many trials in my life to just let this go. I'm tireed of fighting for everything."
Heather pulled the covers tightly around her. Amy turned to Heather.
"Don't worry. I'm not going to do a damn thing to you. You can have him. How faithful do you think he's going to be to you when he just cheated on me with you? How much of a man do you think he really is?" Amy said calmly.
Amy turned to walk out of the door. Deacon chased after her. He took her in the bathroom.
"Who do you think you are to question my manhood?" Deacon said to her.
"How long have you been cheating on me?" Amy asked.
Deacon looked away from her.
"How long?" Amy demanded
"Since, our six month anniversary."
"Jesus." Amy whispered.
//An' though the rules of the road have been lodged
It's only people's games that you got to dodge
And it's alright, Ma, I can make it.//
"You are such trash. God, I've got to get out of here." Amy said.
"Amy, you are not leaving me. I'm sorry. I'll kill myself if you leave."
"And what do you think I'm going to do if I stay? I will not stay here. I will not play these games. I'm calling Joanna, and I'm out of here." Amy said reaching for the door.
"You..you.. BITCH. I've given you everything." Deacon said snatching Amy around.
He pushed her against the door and slapped her. Amy laughed inspite of herself. She laughed til tears came out of her eyes. That made Deacon angry. He shoved her down and started to kick her. She just laughed harder. Then she felt a cramp rip through her stomach.
"Oh my God, Amy, you're bleeding."Deacon said.
He ran out of the bathroom and call 911. *I'm bleeding.* Amy thought. *I didn't even cut myself.* Deacon ran back in the bathroom and cradled Amy's body in his arms.
"You're going to be alright." He crooned.
//Advertising signs that con you
Into thinking you're the one
That can do what's never been done
That can win what's never been won
Meantime life outside goes on
All around you.//
"Ms. Dumas?" The doctor said.
Amy turned to look at him.
"Ms. Dumas, I'm Dr. Evans. I'm afraid you lost the baby."
"Baby?" Amy whispered.
"You didn't know? You were 6 weeks pregnant. Your boyfriend said you fell down in the bathroom." the doctor continued.
Amy turned her face away from the doctor. She had been preganant. He had killed her baby. A little life had been growin inside of her, and Deacon had killed him or her. She felt tears stream down her face. She wouldn't go through this again. She couldn't, she wouldn't survive. Deacon walked into the room. He looked like he had been crying.
"I'm sorry, Amy." He said.
"I was pregnant." Amy said not looking at him.
"I know." He said quietly.
"You killed my baby."
"It was my baby, too, Amy. It was an accident I didn't know. We can try again."
"It was an acciden't, huh? You should have never hit me. Didn't your mother ever tell you it's against the law for you to hit a woman?" Amy replied.
After she got out of the hospital she moved back in with Joanna. Deacon called her everyday, but she had nothing to say to him. One day she was watching wrestling on the T.V. She noticed someone she had never seen before, Chyna. She looked so strong like she could handle anything. That's how Amy wanted to feel. She decided she wanted to go to wrestling school, she did, and she had made it.
//You lose yourself, you reappear
You suddenly find you got nothing to fear
Alone you stand with nobody near
When a trembling distant voice, unclear
Startles your sleeping ears to hear
That somebody thinks they really found you.//
Amy thought about her present situtation. She thought that everything was going to be okay, but now everything was going wrong. Everything she touched turned to brass. She needed to talk to someone, but she didn't know where Jeff was, and she wasnn't talking to Matt. He hadn't apologized for calling her a slut two nights before at WWF New York. When he did that, that's when she knew it was the beginning of the end. She had ran to the bathroom andher wrist. She always kept a razor handy. She didn't know when she would ever need it. She wanted to get help, but she didn't want the public to hear about her problem. In everyone's eyes she was Lita, the 2xtreme Diva. She had a reputation to live up to. She didn't like for people to know that she was weak. She could count on one hand the number of people she had even told her life story to.
//A question in your nerves is lit
Yet you know there is no answer fit to satisfy
Insure you not to quit
To keep it in your mind and not forgit
That it is not he or she or them or it
That you belong to.//
She knew that she shouldn't be ashamed of things that she did in the past, but people made you ashamed of where you came from. She felt that she should be telling her story to the world to let them know she had overcome, but instead she was ashamed. Even Matt and Jeff didn't know about her life before the WWF. All they knew is that she left home when she was 17, and she moved to New York. One day she had gotten inspired by Chyna and she went to wrestling school and broke into wrestling.She held the razor above the current cut she had made just seconds before. She now had three cuts and she couldn't stop. She cried as she cut again. She had to stop, but she couldn't. She had to stop. She had a match to go to.
//Although the masters make the rules
For the wise men and the fools
I got nothing, Ma, to live up to.//
Amy left the bathroom. She found her makeup bag out of her duffel bag. She cleaned the cuts she made and covered them with base. They stung as she applied it. She had been doing this for years. That was how she had never got caught. She hoped no one would notice. She couldn't explain anything. She was never a good liar. She would proabably breakdown. She didn't have to fight tonight. All she had to do was do the hurricarana on Jason. She was basically just a cheerleader tonight. She thought smiling. She joined Matt and Jeff at the curtain. She could smell alcohol on Matt's breath and Jeff just looked sad as usual. He turned to Amy and gave her a sad smile as if to say everything would be okay. *But will it?* Amy thought. Their music cued and they walked to the ring. She loved the crowd. This was what she loved about wrestling. Once she passed that curtain she was Lita. She wasn't Amy Dumas, victim of life. She was Lita, WWF sweetheart.
//While some on principles baptized
To strict party platform ties
Social clubs in drag disguise
Outsiders they can freely criticize
Tell nothing except who to idolize
And then say God bless him.//
The Hardy's face E 'n' C. They Hardy's where going to win this match with help from 'Lita'. The match wore on and the crowd started to yell "Lita, Lita" as it looked liked the Hardy Boys were going to lose. Adam distracted the ref as Amy climbed up the ropes. The cheering got louder. She jumped off the ropes and did the hurricarana and the crowd went wild. She rolled under the ropes. Matt hit the twist of fate. The crowd went even crazier. This was what she loved, this is what she lived for, and she hated to lose it. Amy jumped up and down when they won like she didn't know they were going to win. She jumped in the ring with Matt and Jeff. She kissed Matt which sent the crowd into a frenzy. There was still alcohol on his breath, but she didn't care. She was performing for her fans. She wished this feeling would never die. She wished this was real life. She wished so hard that it could be this perfect, always.
//While one who sings with his tongue on fire
Gargles in the rat race choir
Bent out of shape from society's pliers
Cares not to come up any higher
But rather get you down in the hole
That he's in.//
"Wasn't that great you guys?" Amy said once they were back in the dressing room
Jeff shrugged and took out his laptop.
"Yeah, great." Matt said unenthused.
Amy felt her heart drop. Obviously, they didn't feel the same as she did. She knew if she tried to tell them they wouldn't understand. She wouldn't waste her breath trying because it wasn't worth it the effort. She was tired of trying. Neither one of them fought the demons she fought everyday. They threatened to be the end of her. They screamed in her head everyday, and haunted her dreams at night. The only time they were quiet is when she was Lita. She wished she really was Lita. She envied Lita and everything she stood for.
//But I mean no harm nor put fault
On anyone that lives in a vault
But it's alright, Ma, if I can't please him.//
She knew she didn't please everyone, though. She had been criticized on everything from wearing her thongs above her pants to the color of her hair.These things she blocked out. She was only looking for the good. She knew that no one could ever find about her life before wrestling, the would have a field day with that. Some of the letters she read from fans asked her how could she be trying to be a role model for all girl when she was nothing more than a sex symbol. For those questions she could write for days on why she was a role model. She hoped that she at least reached those who could relate to her life even if they didn't know about her life.
//While them that defend what they cannot see
With a killer's pride, security
It blows the minds most bitterly
For them that think death's honesty
Won't fall upon them naturally
Life sometimes must get lonely.//
She sat down on the couch in the room staring at the wall. Matt had just finished a bottle of something. She didn't know why. Now that they knew he drank he didn't try to keep it from them like he did at first.
"Aren't you suppose to be with Joanie right about now?" Matt asked.
"Huh?"
"Your lesbian lover, shouldn't you be with her right about now?"
"Matt, that was way out of line." Jeff said.
"Shut up, Jeff. You make me just as sick as she does." Matt said.
"Matt! I can't believe you would say that. You know Joanie and I are just friends just like you and the guys here are just friends."
"Right. Come on Amy, everyone knows you and Joanie arehot for each other." Matt said.
Jeff got up and walked towards the door.
"Everything doesn't revolve around you, Matt. And if you think it does, you're sadly mistaken." Jeff said before walking out the door.
"Was that suppose to be the lesson of the day? That's right run, bitchboy." Matt said laughing.
//My eyes collide head-on with stuffed graveyards
False gods, I scuff
At pettiness which plays so rough
Walk upside-down inside handcuffs
Kick my legs to crash it off
Say okay, I have had enough
What else can you show me?//
Amy closed her eyes tight. She didn't know what to say to defend herself. *What would Lita say? What would Lita say?* She asked herself. She didn't like being in this situtation. It only reminded her of how bad things really were between all of them.
"Matt is that the best insult you can come up with?" Amy said.
"What?" Matt said.
"Just because you're miserable does not give you the right to try and make everyone else around you miserable. You need help Matt. Your dinking is way out of hand. It's making you into someone you're not. Matt before you started drinking, you could get along with everyone. Now that you're drinking everyone hates you."
"I don't give a fuck about everyone. I can only take care of Matt."
"I'm going to the bathroom. Maybe, I'll sit in the lounge. Anything to get from around you." She said nastily. Amy just looked at him and walked out the door. She went to the bathroom. She pulled her razor out of her pocket.
//And if my thought-dreams could be seen
They'd probably put my head in a guillotine
But it's alright, Ma, it's life, and life only.//
She could barely see the previous cut because of the make-up, but she knew they were there. She put the razor to her skin. She sat there a second thinking. She was tired. She didn't want to go on. She felt like she had already lived all her life. She felt 60 years older than she really was. What did she have to lose? It was just life. She turned the razor so that it was pointed up and down. She remembered what Ryan said, if she wanted to die she could at least cut her wrists the right way.